


Sparks Fly, Crash and Die

by PetiKitty



Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2020-05-13 12:31:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 104,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19251268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetiKitty/pseuds/PetiKitty
Summary: AU where Chandra, Nissa, Gideon and Jace have been friends since high school and now attend university together. Thanks to a group project, the four of them meet Liliana who Chandra had a dream about the night before and becomes infatuated with herSexy parts in Chapters 1, 9, 24 & 25





	1. Chapter 1

A featureless man stared into Chandra's eyes and proclaimed,"welcome to Hell."

  
Chandra didn't remember entering this bleak, grey room - she just found herself in it. _How did I get here_?

  
"Will this be a day trip or an extended stay?"

  
"Just the day." _This is what I came here for, right_?

  
"Good choice. You'll be needing this." The ominous man handed her a pistol. "There's one shot. Don't waste it." The weapon felt heavy in Chandra's hand, but she refused to tuck it away. _If I put it in my pocket, it might go off and shoot me._

  
A set of large metal doors slid open in front of her to a void that was nothing but sandstorm and darkness. _Good thing I brought these_. She lowered the goggles that had been wrapped around her forehead and stepped through the door. When she saw they had disappeared behind her, she began to wonder the abyss.

  
An invisible voice echoed around her. "Chandra Nalaar." It was a familiar voice, but she tried to ignore it.

  
_I figured Hell would be more crowded. Where is everyone?_

 

"Chandra!"

  
She couldn't pinpoint where the voice was coming from, but she knew who it was. "I'm on vacation, but don't make me think I won't hunt you down."

  
Out of thin air, a figure appeared behind her. "No need."

  
Chandra was unfazed by the sudden presence and she turned around to meet it. There was no denying it now. Though the man wore a veil that covered most of his face, his bright blue eyes surrounded by the scars of a burnt man were easily recognizable. "Baral. They finally send you where you belong?"

  
Baral chortled. "You rebels were always so optimistic. How many died because of that I wonder. I can think of at least one. But no, I'm just sight seeing much like you are."

  
"Good." Chandra raised her lender gun to the Baral's face. " That means I get to kill you myself." She pulled the trigger but rather than a bullet, a steady red beam like an oversized laser pointer shot out of the gun and phased through him - leaving him unharmed. She froze in terror and let her gun fall.

  
"Just a child playing with a toy." Baral began raising his own identical weapon, but despite the perilous situation, Chandra was more fixated on the dissipation of the sand around them and the shadowy figure that was creeping behind Baral. It was possible he felt the presence behind him as he seemed stuck in place.

  
As it moved closer, Chandra was able to make it out. It was a woman. Pale with a purple and black dress that draped off her shoulders, matching gloves and an elegant fur cape. She was covered in strange markings and her eyes glowed red. _Great. One of Hell's minions and I wasted my shot_

  
The demon was now right behind Baral. She laid her hand on his shoulder and smiled at Chandra. In an instant, the three of them were teleported into a small room. Upon some inspection, Chandra realized they were in her childhood bedroom - complete with all it's trademark fixtures: The low ceiling, pinned magazine pages scattered throughout, and the poster of Ghirapur that took up an entire wall.

  
She didn't have time to reminisce though. Chandra had been plopped into old her bed, but the other two stood above her and before she knew it, the demon snapped Baral's neck and dropped him to the floor - smiling again at Chandra. It wasn't a warm or pleasant smile. It was one you would expect from a spawn of hell, but Chandra found it exciting. "You're welcome," whispered the demon.

  
There were mixed emotions at the sight of this - almost entirely positive ones - but confusion consumed Chandra more than anything. "How did we get here? Why did you do that?"

  
The demon got down on the bed with Chandra, forcing her to shift backwards so her back was pressed against the headboard. "Because I would do anything for you." She began crawling toward Chandra so that their faces were no more than a few inches apart; Chandra noticed she started to slide the extravagant dress off. "And I mean anything." This was when the demon gently pressed her lips upon Chandra's.

  
Chandra had become hot and dizzy - her heartbeat was louder than the voice of the demon in front of her or even the trains passing by. She began assisting with the removal of the dress while pulling her temptress' lips to her neck and just as she began to feel an intoxicating nibbling, a sudden rush of cold washed over her.

  
She awoke to find her mom hovering over her with the blankets she had just ripped off. "You left your phone in the bathroom. You're lucky I was here to wake you or you would sleep through the whole day."

  
Chandra curled up, covered her eyes and groaned, "okay, appreciate that, but what the fuck? The actual worst way to wake someone up?"

  
Pia was already leaving the room. "I don't have the time to be jabbing you five more times."

  
Once Pia had left, Chandra's dream washed over her. She felt tightness in her chest from the first part and the tension in her entire body over the other. She looked at the time and figured there wasn't enough of it to relieve said tension before class. _Today is going to be a hard ass day to focus. That's for sure._

 

 

 


	2. Oneirology

Chandra had intended to get up half an hour ago. Normally she would wake up at the last possible moment which is exactly when Pia woke her, but she was nervous about being on time today. She found herself fidgeting in front of the oven as if she desperately needed to pee. “Mum! I'm in a hurry so I'm just making eggs. Is that okay?”

While Chandra stressed and twitched, she knew her mom was gracefully getting ready in the background. She thought it was at least a little possible that when she wasn't looking, Pia's morning routine looked like she was performing a musical – complete with dancing and birds chirping in her ears during rests. This was a stark contrast to Chandra who would all too often use the wrong end of her toothbrush and scream getting into the shower because she forgot to check the temperature.

Chandra could hear her mother calling from the other room. “You know the rule. The cook chooses the meal. No need to defend yourself.”

_I just want to know you'll like it at least a little._ That wasn't the house rule that mattered to Chandra right now. The only way she could get a ride to the university was if she made breakfast. Pia had told her that there was no reason to have to leave the house before Chandra, so she had to earn the ride, but Chandra was confident that it was just a ploy to force her to eat breakfast – a meal she would often forget about otherwise.

Despite just frying a few eggs, Chandra had to turn all the burners on. The hideous beige oven was the oldest thing in their house - including Pia - so the fuses would often go out. This used to make Chandra homesick since the oven was the only thing in their old house that did work.

By turning on everything, Chandra could just use whichever burner came on first. She flipped all the switches and began drumming on the grates to feel who would win the race. Once the southwestern competitor became too hot for Chandra's hand, she tossed the oil soaked pan on it and cracked her first two eggs. Now that she had no choice but to stand still, her mind drifted back to her dream.

Chandra covered a lot about dreams in Dr. Yanling's Intro to Psychology, but nothing she learned was standing out more than, 'our brain's are incapable of making up new faces. Anyone we see in a dream is a face we've seen in real life. It could be your best friend, it could be someone you saw once when you were five.' _I wonder where I saw that girl. I've never had a sex dream with a face I couldn't name._

This was probably for the best. Chandra had a tendency to get week long obsessions with anyone she had an interment dream about even if there had been nothing more than cuddling. The downside was that this gave her brain the space to fixate on the other person that was there.Even though she got to see the man that murdered her dad get killed in front of her, it didn't leave her feeling good. _Maybe if I got to kill him myself, there would have been some sense of satisfaction_.

As fun as that might be, Chandra ultimately knew that no matter what happened to him in a dream, she would wake up and Baral would still be alive. _If I could hold a gun to his face in person, what would I do?_ This was a question Chandra had been asking herself for years and she wanted to believe she could pull the trigger.

"Chandra!" Pia had yelled this in Chandra's ear which caused her to snap to and notice her eggs were entirely black and she had forgotten to turn the other three burners off. “You could have started a fire. What is going on in that head of yours?” Chandra knew that was meant as a rhetorical question, but her face must have shown there was a real answer and based on Pia's town, it must have not been a pleasant face. “What's wrong, dear?”

She refused to make eye contact with her mom as was usually the case in emotional situations. "I had a dream....Baral was in it."

Pia rested her head against her daughter's and softly told her, “well for what its worth, he's still rotting in prison and Padeem has assured me that's never going to change."

_Yeah, prison. It's like a night club for monsters. "_ I didn't know you were still keeping tabs."

"Even if I didn't want to, Padeem would never leave me alone. They still want me to come home.”

Pia had been instrumental in the Kaladesh Revolution. The people of the plane grew sick of the corrupt government, and stood against them. Chandra's father – Kiran – had died too early in the revolt to be widely recognized, but her mother helped lead the rebellion and is widely considered one of the greatest heroes in modern Kaladesh history.

Once the rebels won, a new government was formed, and Pia sat on the plane's interim counsel; when a plan for democracy was announced, it was assumed by everyone that Pia would end up in a position of power, so it was a shock when she opted to move to Dominaria to begin teaching.

No one was as upset or surprised as Chandra and she spent a long time resenting Pia for abandoning their home and everything they fought for – everything her father had died for. As she grew older, Chandra came to terms with it, but never fully understood it.

“They should have sentenced him to death.”

Pia pulled herself away. "Not this again."

"He deserves it. You know I'm right."

"Of course you are, but we're above the brutality they're capable of."

"We could slowly torture every corrupt consulate member and we'd still be saints by comparison."

"I know its hard but try to remember, this is what your dad would have wanted and I think we can agree that his opinion counts for more than ours on this matter.”

Chandra did have to agree. She wasn't sure where her vengeful nature came from as it had never been a part of either of her parents. “Fine. I guess you're right.” She made sure to say it with as much disdain as possible.

Pia kissed the top of her daughter's head. “Good girl. Now go get ready. If you hurry, we'll have time to stop for food.”

 


	3. A Dead Wish

The door to Chandra's room flung open as she booted it for no reason other than compulsion. She almost wished she was juvenile enough to still have stuffed animals so that someone could see her dramatic entrance. She scanned the room. _Okay, which one of these clothes piles has what I want in it?_

Her leather vest was easy enough to spot but that was the last piece of the puzzle. She yanked it out of the first pile and began sifting through the rest of it. _Come on. Where are you? They're red. They should stand out!_

After searching her final localized mess, she let out a growl that she had to stifle. _Why is this room always so messy!? How hard would it be to just keep it clean?_ Her frustration wasn't eased when she noticed her red jeans glowing in the first pile she had combed through. _Fine. Whatever. Now I just have to find a white shirt_. That went much quicker; she gave it a whiff to make sure it was clean and threw it on her bed with the rest of the ensemble.

Chandra at least had the good sense to keep her clean underwear in an actual drawer.

Once everything was haphazardly thrown on, Chandra gave herself a quick once over in the mirror perched on her desk. _Nice. Successfully pretending I'm not a bland lump_. Before bolting away, she took note of the reminder that had been stuck to the top of her mirror for three years. 'Take your medication!' _Yeah, yeah._

She pulled open the top drawer of her desk that had always been reserved for a journal, a pill bottle and a photo of her with her parents kneeling on either side – the last picture taken of the three of them.

She had been the one holding the camera so it was centred poorly and a little blurry, but that didn't matter. Her father was always the showman in photos – stealing the scene with either bravado or comedy – but this one was different. While Chandra and Pia were looking forward, Kiran was looking down toward Chandra with a subtle grin. Chandra understood that she was probably creating meaning that wasn't there, but she liked to think that in that moment, she was the only thing her father was thinking about and he looked so satisfied.

Their relationship was never complicated. Chandra always felt loved, respected and didn't feel compelled to impress him, but that all changed the day he died. Since then, she found herself desperate for his approval after failing him so tremendously.

Every one that knew about the tragedy – her mother, doctors, teachers, friends – all commented on how hard it must have been to watch him get stabbed to death by the Baral whose task force had been dispatched to their village to kill them, but seeing it wasn't the issue. If it had been video taped and played over and over again like it had in her mind since the day, the loss wouldn't have left her any emptier than if she hadn't seen it at all.

The struggle came from the fact that she was there. Even if her eyes were closed or if no one had seen it coming, it wouldn't change the fact that she could have done something. People would tell her that she was just a child and she understood that was a valid excuse, but that didn't erase the truth that there were hundreds of ways she could have handled the situation differently, and one of them would have kept him alive. She let her father die and no one could tell her otherwise.

This is why that picture was her favourite. The look of pride in his eyes as he looked down at her goofy bowl cut is the only thing in the world that could give her hope that if they could speak again, he would tell her not to feel bad and that, despite everything, he was still proud of her. That fantasy got her through some rough nights, but since she didn't want to share it with anyone else, she kept the picture tucked away.

She kissed the photo as she did every morning, took out a pill and swallowed it dry, then headed into the hall to meet her mother.

“You look cute.”

“I guess. I set my alarm to give myself extra time to get ready but we know how well that went.”

“Why the hurry?” This was a reasonable question. Chandra was the type to get up at the last possible minute.

"We're breaking up into groups which, by the way, should be against the law, for my Research Methods class."

"You know, I don't do those in any of my classes."

"Well as soon as you start teaching something other than economics, I'll make sure to take advantage.”

"I'm guessing you want to make it on time so your friends don't leave you behind."

"I don't think that's going to happen. Gideon knows Jace isn't going to do any work and he'll want someone that can help him pick up the slack."

 


	4. Sophmores

 

Tolaria West University was as massive as it was prestigious. Chandra was dropped off at the main entrance to the A building and Pia headed from there to her office. It was a twenty minute walk from where Chandra stood to where her mother was headed and there was still plenty of campus left.

 Chandra wasn't sure how big an average university was supposed to be. The only other campus she had been to was the Western Kaladesh Technical Institute and even remembering it through the eyes of a twelve-year old, her current school dwarfed it.

 She stood away from the doors as to not get in anyone's way as she stared at her phone – waiting for a text. Hundreds of students walked past her before she finally heard the magic ding accompanied by Nissa's face appearing on the screen.

  **I'm here. Where are you?**

  **The statue**

 TWU had a unreasonable amount of statues, but anytime someone referred to 'the statue,' it was universally understood to be the monument to Urza – the man who had founded the original Tolarian Academy which had been destroyed by war centuries ago. It was a grand homage that could be spotted from a kilometre away. It was coated in silver and proclaimed him 'History's Greatest Academic.'

 This annoyed Chandra. It was dismissive to many names both inside and out of the plane of Dominaria. She found this particularly irksome as Urza had been the earliest recorded person to discover how to travel between planes and gain access to fellow scholars.

 She held this against the school rather than the man though. Being such an important figure, Chandra learned a lot about him in high school and even a little bit in grade school on Kaladesh; through all that she found, he was partial to crediting the minds of many people throughout the multiverse for many of his own accomplishments. Chandra figured if all historians and academics followed his example, she wouldn't hate the education system as much as she did.

  **I'll be there in 5 minutes**

 Chandra was very aware of the time and right now, five minutes was a lot. Their class started in fifteen and it was a ten minute walk. Her goal of making it to class before the last second was slipping away. _Where the hell is she anyway? The bus stop is only two minutes from here._ Chandra decided to pass the time by sending Gideon a message.

  **We'll be there soon. Can you guys save us some seats?**

 She knew Gideon would already be there since he saw tardiness as childlike – and had for as long as she'd known him. If Gideon was there that meant Jace would be too as he would have been dragged out of the house whenever Gideon felt it appropriate to leave. Together, Chandra figured the two of them could muster the force of will to keep people away.

 He responded with a thumbs up. Chandra had been hoping for more to provide any sort of distraction from the winding time, but as she looked up from her phone, she spotted Nissa entering the grounds. Looking at how much time had passed, Chandra was reminded that Nissa's perception of time was even looser than her own. She could feel her anxiety lulling as she figured there was now enough time to make it to class, though she didn't appreciate her friend's casual stroll.

 As Nissa approached her, she waved silently. Chandra could tell she had just woken up by the traces of bloodshot in her bright green eyes and her haphazardly tied back hair that showcased her long ears. Chandra hadn't even taken into account the fact that Nissa looked like she got dressed in thirty seconds because that's how she always looked.

 This had nothing to do with a lack of time or effort and everything to do with the fact that outside of the height of Summer, Nissa always draped herself in as much clothing as she could manage. She had been born and spent her childhood in Bala Ged on Zendikar and had grown accustomed to its humidity and warmth. The island of Tolaria West – while warm by Dominaria standards – was far too cold for her to have a sense of fashion.

 Nissa wrapped her arms around Chandra and while Chandra did want to stress the time, she was a sucker for Nissa's hugs that were firmer than Nissa probably realized. When she finally let go, Nissa swatted Chandra's arm. “I've barely heard from you for a month. What the hell?”

 Chandra just began walking rather than expressing the need for it. “It would have only been three weeks if you had actually shown up for class last week.”

 “I told you I had family visiting.”

 They entered the front doors and found themselves having to talk over a sea of voices. “And they couldn't find some way to kill time for a few hours?”

 “They were going home the next day, and it's getting harder to travel in and out of Zendikar. I wanted to get as much out of it as I could.”

 “Things are getting worse there?”

 Nissa shook her head in frustration. “I don't know. Maybe? I wish they would just leave. They say they'd miss it too much, but it's not like I don't.”

 Chandra always felt Nissa's mother was an overly paranoid woman, but it did have significant pay offs once in a while. When the extremist political group 'The Eldrazi' began taking power, Meroe got them the hell out of there. The Eldrazi seemed fixated on persecuting the goblin tribes of Zendikar, but Meroe felt it was only a matter of time until they came for the elves. Six months ago, it was made illegal for elves to travel off plane without a permit, so it seemed her prediction was coming to pass.

 There wasn't much comfort Chandra could provide. While she had seen the fall of a heartless regime, the road leading to its demise was filled with poverty, prison and the spilling of innocent blood. Telling Nissa things would get better would be a hallow gesture.

 “So what's your excuse?” Nissa seemed to be diverting the conversation.

 “Excuse for what?”

 “Not calling, texting, anything. You don't want to see me?”

 There had been a three week break between semesters, and Nissa was right – in that time, Chandra didn't reach out to her. It had nothing to do with not wanting to see her though. Despite her logical brain telling her otherwise, Chandra had a hard time shaking the feeling that she had always been a nuisance to Nissa and had felt this way for years.

 They had known each other since they were eleven years old – though only briefly at the time. After the war on Kaladesh was over, Nissa was part of a transfer project that brought her to Chandra's plane to help repair the cities and learn about the effects of civil war. Pia had offered to play host and they began a month long cohabitation.

 Chandra and Nissa enjoyed each others company during that time – though Chandra more so. Unintentionally, Nissa had been the first hand to reach in to the closet to pull Chandra out. Though Chandra couldn't figure out why at the time, she had been more devastated than expected when Nissa returned home.

 By the time Chandra moved to Dominaria three years later, Chandra had figured herself out, so it felt like destiny to find on her first day of school that she was classmates with Nissa who had also just immigrated.

 It took Chandra a year to work up the courage to express her love and subsequently get rejected and while Nissa explained over and over again that she felt it hadn't damaged the friendship, there was a small part of Chandra that believed Nissa was only continuing their relationship out of pity. Chandra acknowledged to herself that this didn't make any sense, but that didn't stop the paranoia from plaguing her – causing her to rarely initiate any conversations or plans or even allow her the headspace to consider Nissa having similar insecurities.

 “Sorry. You know how easily I can get lost in my own world.” It was a bad excuse and Chandra knew it. Part of her hoped that such a lame justification would be seen through and dismissed by Nissa, so she could figure out the root of the problem and reassure Chandra, but that didn't happen.

 “You're right. I shouldn't give you a hard time.” After that, they gave up trying to talk over the crowd until they turned down a hallway that was empty by comparison; about ten steps in, Chandra stopped dead and Nissa turned to her. “You're lost, aren't you?”

 This was Chandra's third semester at TWU but the school was so large and her class topics were so varied that she still hadn't worked out how to get around. She pulled out her phone to double check the class number. _A342c. Why wouldn't that just be its own number?_ “I thought I knew where I was going.” Chandra tried to take in the signs and class numbers around her to figure out where they were.

 “How prophetic. I had a dream last night that I was lost in the school.”

 “Any chance you found your way out?”

 “No. It didn't look like this anyway. The halls were bigger, brighter and filled with more dogs than you could imagine.”

 “That sounds tight.”

 “It was horrible. You would think there was no limit to how many dogs you would want around, but there is and I've seen it. It smelled terrible and I was so covered in fur that I could feel it on me.”

 Chandra could see Nissa's body squirming at the thought which was a tell it must have been a difficult dream. Nissa dreamt at a pace far more regularly and vividly than anyone Chandra had ever known, so to see Nissa actually phased was a rare sight.

 While contemplating how a dream filled with peaceful dogs could be so traumatic was tempting, Chandra didn't have time as she spotted something that jogged her memory. She pointed toward it. “I remember that stupid poster.”

 As they walked past, Nissa examined it. “Rally for free speech?” Nissa read off the wall. “What's wrong with that?”

 “We both know what that's really about.” Nissa was more on the love everyone side than Chandra cared for, but she put up with it since Nissa put up with stuff like what Chandra proceeded to do. “Whoops!” She ripped the poster down and stuffed it in her pocket. “I think we're going this way.” They backtracked slightly and took a turn that originally looked like it lead to nothing.

 After last night, Chandra wanted to stay on the topic of dreams before it slipped away entirely. “Speaking of dreams. Have you ever had a sex dream with someone you didn't know?” She wasn't intending to be so blunt but those were the words that came out; after they did, Chandra realized it may have been an insensitive question. “Actually, do you even have sex dreams?”

 “Are you asking if I have sex dreams or dreams where I'm having sex?”

 “What's the difference?”

 “I'm assuming you had one last night.”

 “Yeah, sorta.”

 “Were you turned on when you woke up?”

 Chandra wasn't sure what she expected when she decided to bring this up, but she suddenly found herself regretting it and could feel herself turning a reddish hue. “Yeah....”

 “And have you ever had dreams with sex in them that didn't arouse you?”

 “Probably?”

 “That's the difference, and yes, I've obviously had dreams with sex involved. Any standard dream archetype I've had at least twenty times and I'd have to go through my records but I'm sure in at least one of them, it was with someone I couldn't place.”

 Nothing Nissa had just said was exaggerated. If anything, her claim was understated and she did actually have a set of records that she meticulously kept. Chandra found the idea of there being a sex folder among then amusing. “It was a fucked up dream.” Chandra turned them down another hallway, feeling confident in their direction.

 “Please, Chandra. I don't need to know.”

 “Not that kind of fucked up. We didn't even get to the good part. I was in Hell though.”

 Nissa lit up. “If you want my attention, that's how you start a story. Did you know why you were sent to Hell? That's always my favourite part.”

 “I think it was by choice. I wasn't actually dead – just on a vacation or something.”

 “Vacation in Hell,” Nissa mumbled to herself. “There's some amazing potential there.” She reached her finger out and started rubbing Chandra's temple. “I'm going to try and steal it. What happened while you were there?”

 “Well, first off Baral showed up.”

 This understandably knocked the glee right out of Nissa. “I'm sorry. When you said fucked up, I thought you meant in a fun way.”

 “Well fun isn't the word I'd use, but it wasn't entirely unfun.” Nissa gestured her to keep going. “He did die.”

 “Please tell me you killed him.”

 “No. The other girl did. Snapped his fucking neck.”

 “So you're face to face with Baral, some woman appears, brutally murders him, then....”

 “Then crawls on top of me.”

 “Well, it may not be my wheelhouse, but I see the appeal. So, about this girl, you are aware.”

 “That our brains can't make up faces? Yeah.”

 “Do you hope you'll run into her?”

  _Hey, hot demon lady. You wanna finish what we started in my dream?_ “I think it would be better if I didn't.”

 Objectively, what Chandra proclaimed made sense to her, but now that she found herself reliving the fun half of last night's dream, part of her desperately wanted to run in to the demon girl. She wanted to find her on a bus so she could creepily stare at her and imagine where that dream could have gone.

 As they finally approached the class, Chandra found herself eagerly awaiting getting home and shutting the door to her bedroom.

 


	5. Waking Nightmare

Research Methods was in a fairly small class which wasn't surprising. Chandra couldn't imagine anyone taking this class unless they had to. Other than the fact that she'd have company, nothing about it was appealing. In addition to the subject being tedious, Dr. Andrio was as old, white and boring as you would expect of someone teaching such an uninspiring topic.

To Chandra's relief, Gideon and Jace sat alone at the back of the class. Normally it wouldn't matter, but as today was the day to break into groups for the semesters project and Chandra was worried she'd have to make nice with a straggler for the next three months – or worse – get left out of the equation entirely.

They weren't safe yet though and Chandra knew Gideon was a liability. He was the kind of person that would see a shy student and welcome them over whether or not it's what he wanted. Even if he weren't so friendly, people gravitated toward him. Despite the intense look on his face, Gideon gave off the vibe that his solemn look was just him lost in thought about the problems in the world and people were drawn to him as if he were a beacon of hope.

His looks exacerbated the situation. Chandra failed to find more appropriate words to describe Gideon than 'unreasonably handsome.' He stood tall with brooding brown eyes like the dangerous member of a boy band and he put enough effort in to styling his beard that made it apparent that he knew he was worth looking at. Chandra was also convinced that she had, on more than one occasion, seen his long hair flowing majestically on days with no wind.

Jace stood out too, but not in the way that encouraged people to approach him. It wasn't a matter of looks though. Jace was by no means unattractive – though much more boyish than Gideon. If Gideon were the badboy in the band, Jace was the cute one with his ruffled hair and bright blue puppy dog eyes - though no one would ever know it. Jace was always shrouded in one of the dozens of hoodies in his collection; this combined with his trademark slouch gave off a strong 'never speak to me' vibe.

The two were wrapped up in conversation and hadn't noticed Chandra and Nissa come in and failed to even when they were standing right over them. Nissa belted out “I wonder how long until they notice us.” Gideon jumped slightly but it was impossible to see Jace's response from under the hood. Nissa and Chandra took the chairs in front of their friends. “What were you two so enthralled with anyway?”

Jace tried to blow her off but Gideon interrupted. “Jace has a new crush.”

“Shocking,” Nissa said mockingly. “I'm surprised it took you an entire week to find someone.”

While cruel, Nissa's teasing was based in truth. Jace had a tendency to fall for people hard and often, but unfortunately, he put the hopeless in hopeless romantic. Chandra had never heard of anyone getting the 'it's not you it's me' shtick as much as Jace had.

The remarkable thing was that the women were always telling the truth when they said that and it was never even as simple as being taken already. He had heard everything from 'I'm gay,' to 'my dad is a high profile diplomat and we're moving to a war-torn plane next week,' to 'I'm entering a six month treatment for a rare medical condition' and all of them were sincere in their explanations.

What mystified Chandra most of all was his ability to take it so well. It had become a joke among them and he found it funny. She couldn't comprehend handling rejection so well, but Gideon assured her that Jace wasn't putting on a front. The upside was that Chandra had someone to bond with over their lifetime of singlehood.

Before they could delve any further into it, Dr. Andrio had entered the room and dropped his briefcase to announce himself.

He didn't do much talking today. Instructions about the project were given, the class was told to find groups of four to five and Chandra, Jace, Gideon and Nissa were relieved that no one wandered over to fill that extra spot. Chandra and Nissa turned their desks around so that they were in a huddle in hopes of discouraging anyone they might have missed.

Nissa asked in a business like manor, “Gideon, you booked the room in the library, right.” He nodded. “Great. That means we have time now to talk about Jace's new friend.”

It was hard to gauge Nissa and Jace's relationship. They seemed to take a genuine interest in each others lives, but would constantly antagonize each other while doing it. If they were eight-years old, anyone that met them would accuse them of having a crush on the other, but as adults, their mutual teasing was a mystery. Chandra and Gideon were Nissa and Jace's best friends respectively and even their combined insight couldn't explain how the two hadn't killed each other by now.

Jace's full face emerged from under the hood for the first time with an eyebrow raised at Nissa. “Must we though?”

“It's either that or do work.” Jace's silence in response to this gave away that this was probably the best way to encourage him. He had a love affair with procrastination. “Come on. We're actually interested. Right, Chandra?”

“I guess – if he feels up to it.” Chandra was in fact very interested though she felt uncomfortable pressing Jace.

Jace was rolling his head back and forth in contemplation and finally gave in. “Fiiiine. She's in my web design class. She's really cute and quirky.”

Chandra had to exert herself to hold her eyes from rolling. She was sure she had never heard Jace use the words beautiful, hot or sexy and quirky was his most common trait to describe someone he was interested in.

Nissa must have realized this too. She chortled and said, “of course she is.”

He seemed unphased by the condescending tone. “Anytime the two guys that sit next to us are talking too loud, her lip curls and her nose flares. I swear she's going to throw one of their heads through a monitor.” He didn't need any prodding to continue. “She's always cold.” _How is that quirky or cute?_ “Anytime she isn't using the mouse, she's rubbing her hands together. Doesn't even stop to take notes.”

It was then that Chandra noticed Gideon wasn't paying attention anymore – likely because he had just heard all this. He seemed to be more interested in drawing something in his notebook.

“What else is quirky about her.” Nissa's interest seemed to have grown.

“Check this. During every break, she always steps away to the one deserted hallway, sits on the floor and, with a fork and knife, eats donuts for lunch.”

“Every break?” Nissa sounded suspicious. “Are you following her?”

“It's the fastest way to the bathroom!”

“Please tell me you don't stare at her while she's eating.”

“No. That'd be creepy. Not that she'd know. Her eyes are always closed.”

“Well,” Chandra inserted. “Don't talk to her while she's eating.”

“You all have no faith in me.” Jace suddenly looked puzzled. “Wait, why when she's eating?”

Chandra didn't feel it was her place to get into it. “Just trust me.” Jace was the curious type, but she could tell her tone had been intense enough for him to take her seriously.

Nissa unintentionally expressed her waning interest in the topic with a massive yawn though if she wasn't deeply engrossed in something, she was usually falling asleep. “Anyway, Jace. What are you going to do?”

Jace shrugged. “Watch her eat some donuts for three months.”

“You're not going to ask her out?”

“Naw. We all know how that ends and heck, that class is full and we're probably going to wind up sitting next to each other for the rest of the semester. Why make it weird for her? She seems like she's a bit on edge enough as it is.”

While she was disheartened that Jace was so pessimistic, Chandra was proud of him for being so sensitive. As long as she'd known him, Jace had been a bit of a brat, but made up for it with remarkable kindness. More impressive, no matter the situation, he never expressed regret for any generous acts and never expected a pat on the back for being a decent human being.

Nissa was starting to doze off, but she gave Jace a thumbs up and muttered, “but you'd be making it weird for her by watching her eat. FYI.”

“It was a metaphor, dummy.”

Nissa lazily swatted at the air to show her indifference at his jab and they all seemed content to let her slip in and out of consciousness. Gideon kept sketching whatever it was, Jace was on his phone and Chandra was failing at making paper airplanes. It had all become a matter of running out the clock.

They were so wrapped up in their own distractions that none of them heard the door gently open and close, but all four became alert when they heard Dr. Andrion call out, "are there any groups of four?"

_We're 45 minutes through class and some shameless, lazy asshole shows up now?_ _When I'm this late for anything I have enough sense to be too embarrassed to show up at all_. Chandra leaned in. "The ones that show up this late for group assignment days are bigger busts than Jace." He seemed unphased by this comment. "No one put their- "

"We've got room over here." Gideon's hand slowly raised and Chandra mouthed a a mystified 'why?' toward him. Gideon just shrugged.

Chandra hadn't even noticed the new member was standing over her until they sheepishly started going off. "I am so sorry. My sink at home had this thing and water and some weird goo was everywhere and no one else was there to clean up."

She sounded genuine and while Chandra didn't like the situation, there was no need to make the girl feel bad. She turned to her to tell her not to worry but froze before the words came out.

_You've got to be fucking kidding me_. There was no denying what was in front of her. Chandra now knew where the girl in her dream had come from. She had wide brown eyes in lieu of ones that glowed red, her dress and cape were replaced a rolled up TWU sweater hiding what looked like some kind of uniform and the tattoos on her face were instead traces of sweat.

What still remained was what Chandra had found most enticing. Her hair was still long and jet, and while the baggy sweater hid a lot of her body, it was apparent from her forearms and the legs in her more form-fitting jeans that she was well toned. Chandra found this dressed down version even more beautiful.

"It's not a problem. We were expecting Chandra" Gideon gestured towards her to identify her. “To be late, so you haven't really disrupted our plan." Chandra threw one of her crumpled airplanes into Gideon's face.

The girl pulled up a chair and sat at an awkward distance away. "Thank you. A pleasure to meet you all."

As the closest one to her, Nissa stood halfway out of her chair and reached out to shake her hand. "Welcome to the group, Liliana. You'll hate it but you're stuck with us." Nissa went around the table introducing everyone and the girl introduced herself as Liliana.

"You must have already started so does anyone mind catching me up?" Her tone hadn't grown any bolder after the introductions.

"Well, lets review." Chandra was relieved that Nissa was acting as ambassador to the outsider. She was too fixated on trying her best not to make any eye contact with Liliana to find the will to be social.

"Chandra has wasted a tree worth of paper, Jace told us a very cute story about a girl he likes though he's too dumb to notice she's on the spectrum.”

"Wait, what?"

_I guess I don't have to say it._

"And Gideon has been drawing," she looked over his shoulder at his notepad, "what appears to be him riding a pegasus and while there's a lot to unpack there, it's also impressive for a half hour sketch and despite the inefficiencies of their actions, they've still accomplished more than me who has been asleep. Any questions?"

  _This poor girl. We're all worried about her dragging us down and she's probably thinking she's going to have to do all the work herself._

Nissa's blunt response seemed to dumbfound Liliana even more, which prompted Gideon to step in. "We were planning on going to the library after class so we could plan in solitude, but we weren't expecting a new member. If you can't make it, It would be no problem at all to record the meeting and have the file brought to you."

"Well, talking after class sounds fine, but I do have another class in an hour after this one. I hope I can at least help a bit."

_Stop being a weirdo and throw her a bone._ "Don't worry. I've got a class then too."

“Thank goodness.” They made eye contact for the first time and Chandra melted. Liliana had a tantalizing coy smirk that looked more confident than any of her mannerisms which meant that was likely how she always smiled. “It would be a shame if I were the only one. I was already late so that would just add to the bad first impression.”

Chandra could tell she was showing off her own wide goofy smile to contrast Liliana's. She wanted to say something reassuring but the only thing that came to mind was y _ou made a great first impression with me_ which would go over Liliana's head, but Nissa would figure it out. Chandra could tell that this stupid grin, inability to speak and fluttering heart was going to define the next three months.

 


	6. Origins

The walk to the library took them down a long, slim hall that included multiple coffee shops which meant it was difficult for most people to stay grouped together. This lead to the group travelling in silence, separated by a few feet each.

An exception to this was Gideon and Liliana. Their imposing stature made people inclined to walk around them, even when they tried to do the same. The two seemed engaged in conversation and this annoyed Chandra despite knowing she had no business feeling any kind of jealousy.

The idea that they might be flirting – or more likely, her interpreting Gideon's friendliness as flirting wasn't what was getting to her. His interest in being involved with anyone physically or emotionally was almost non-existent for reasons he either couldn't or refused to explain. The thing that was nagging at Chandra was that she wanted to have the composure to speak with her so casually.

Normally, it wouldn't bother her. She hadn't embraced her romantic futility quite like Jace had, but she had come to terms with it. Even if she could remove her awkwardness from the equation, her being queer disqualified most of the people she might be interested in. Anytime she felt attracted to someone, she would shrug it off as moot and that had been working for her.

Despite only knowing her for an hour, Liliana intrigued her more than could be explained by just still being horny. She carried herself so powerfully in her body language, but her speech was timid. It was a fascinating combination. For Chandra, this was the first time a sudden onset crush had been accompanied by an overwhelming desire to get to know more about the person.

Once they filed into the library, they were able to group up and find their meeting space. “So this is our private room, eh?” Jace emphasized the word private louder than appropriate for a library, but his criticism was apt. There was not an inch of the room's wall that wasn't translucent.

“I don't know what kind of private rooms you're used to, Jace,” Nissa said with an irritated tone. “But ones at school don't operate with the same business practice.”

This brought out a snicker from Liliana. _Of course she has a cute laugh. Why wouldn't she? Nissa's probably on to something though. If these rooms were closed off, people would be fucking in them_. She instantly regret putting that thought into her own head.

“Whatever, man.” Jace bumped Nissa out of the way and let himself in followed by the rest of them. Gideon took a seat at the head of the rectangular table which Chandra felt was natural. She was the last one in and had to sit at the end of the it – directly behind Liliana. This was the safest option as it would make anything weird she did go unnoticed but also served to be the most distracting for the same reason.

Gideon began the meeting. “Nissa, I know you weren't here last week. Do you know what it is we're supposed to be doing?”

Chandra could feel Nissa's eyes roll. “For god sakes, Gideon. It's in the course outline.” Unlike with Jace - Nissa and Gideon got along well – for the most part. Nissa did feel on occasion that he could be condescending, and she wasn't wrong for thinking it.

“You didn't answer the question.”

Nissa stood with her back arched and hands firmly on her sides like a soldier being called on. In a monotone voice she stated, “the purpose of this assignment is to get an understanding of the process of conducting empirical studies. You will devise an experiment idea, perform the experiment on 1st year students and report your findings in a way that would pass peer review.” She gave a salute and sat back down.

While Chandra chuckled at this performance, Jace was in stitches holding up the course outline. “Dude she recited this word for word. If we had a live studio audience, they'd be losing it right now.”

“We good,” Nissa demanded more than questioned while reaching her hand over her shoulder to receive a high five from Jace.

Gideon smiled and shook his head to show he had bee bested but also wasn't taking it too hard. “We good. Does anyone have any ideas?”

They all stayed silent. Liliana either due to shyness or having nothing to say and the rest because they knew Gideon already had a plan and wanted him to get on with it.

“Very well. I propose we ask the 1st year instructor to create a quick quiz consisting of the material they're covering; we break the class into two groups. Group A takes the quiz in a room's florescent lighting with the windows covered and group B takes it using natural light.”

“I guess that's something.” Nissa didn't sound excited but she did seem content. “How many students do we have access to?”

“Sixty.”

“Thirty per doesn't seem definitive.”

“Neither would sixty per. We're working with what we have.” Nissa shrugged in agreement. Gideon ushered to the other three. “Thoughts?”

“I like it,” Jace said with as much enthusiasm as he could ever muster.

Chandra scoffed. “You just want to go home.”

“Naw. I like it because it sounds easy”

She gave up on him and turned toward Nissa and Gideon and with purpose and excitement reiterated, “we have access to sixty students opinions.” Jace groaned when she said this. “Why don't we use this chance to probe them about something that actually matters?”

“Do you not think grades matter?” Gideon seemed more curious than frustrated by the objection.

“Yeah,” Jace proclaimed. “You would think if anyone would, it'd be the daughter of Pia 'Fails Half Her Class' Nalaar.”

Liliana was finally motivated to join the conversation and turned to Chandra with a look of shock on her face. “You are th....You are Pia's daughter?”

Chandra had no choice to stare into her eyes and talk. “Yeah....Why?”

Liliana did not seem ready for this question. “Well.... You seem so laid back and she is so rigid.”

She didn't seem to believe what her own words and Chandra figured it was because Liliana had tried to find the most polite response she could after she almost belted out what Chandra assumed was going to be 'that bitch.'

Normally saying shit about her mother would be cause for retort, but if someone only knew Pia in the context of the classroom, Chandra couldn't blame them. Any site with a ranking of university professors had Pia Nalaar with outstanding results in all fields including - to Chandra's immense discomfort - hotness. The exception to this had been the 1/5 she had in difficulty rating.

Chandra knew Liliana was beating around the bush because rigid would never be a word used to describe her mother who, on several occasions, committed more crimes in a day than most people do in a lifetime. This didn't seem to be the time for going into tales of the Kaladesh rebellion though so Chandra diverted the subject in the most honest way she could. “I do take after my father, I guess.”

Liliana must have accepted the end of the topic because the emotion of surprise drained from her face and she quickly turned back to Gideon.

Gideon once again gave her the floor. “You were saying, Chandra.”

“I just figure we could use this opportunity to look into something that matters on a wider scale than just some grades. We're going to have this diverse group and we could get at something seriously important out of them.”

Jace threw a pen down in disagreement. “God, Chandra.” Jace sounded exhausted. “Not everything has to be....A thing. Can't you go one day without trying to save the world?” He made sure to ask that with as much sarcasm as possible.

“Excuse me?” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Gideon avoiding eye contact with her which she took as silent agreement with Jace.

“I get there are problems worth discussing, but can't you just chill and let us get a good grade without much trouble?”

Unlike Nissa, Chandra's relationship with both Jace and Gideon was straightforward. She undeniably loved them both and got along with them 99% of the time. What remained were rare exceptions where she loathed them both. “Oh gosh, Jace. I'm so sorry my giving a shit is such an inconvenience for you. I'd hate to interfere with your 'I don't give a fuck because everything is fine' vibe.”

“You think that just because I'm not mad every second of the day that I'm selfish?”

“I think that your cushy life has made you forget.”

Gideon tried to cut in. “Maybe we should all calm down.”

Chandra wasn't interested. “Shut up, Gideon.”

To her surprise, Jace seemed to agree. “Yeah, Gideon. Shut up and let her finish.” He aggressively motioned for her to finish. “You were making a point?”

Chandra was out of her chair now and leaning on the table. “I was saying you've forgotten where you came from.”

She knew this would jab at him but she wasn't expecting the reaction she got. Jace was now on his feet too. “You've got some fucked up nerve. I'm trying to bring myself an ounce of joy and relaxation and you're saying that means I've forgotten what it's like to go hungry? To have to drink and bathe in polluted water or to watch my parents work so much that they didn't have the energy to give a fuck about me?”

Chandra could see Liliana lean across the table toward Nissa and heard her ask, “are they always like this?”

“No, but it's fun while it lasts.”

There was a voice inside Chandra telling her to stop. To sit down and agree to move on peacefully for Liliana's sake, but every other noise in her head drowned it out. “If you actually remembered, you wouldn't be giving me shit for being angry. You'd be angry too.”

“Maybe if you stopped with your better than us self-righteous routine for a minute” -

“That's enough. Both of you.” Gideon had a tone that could best be described as a dad voice that he saved for special occasions. It wasn't yelling, but carried with it the same amount of intimidation. “Could we please try and be calm?”

Chandra didn't want to. She wanted to keep yelling; she wanted to yell at Gideon for all the same reasons that she did with Jace. She wasn't even really angry with either of them but she was frustrated by their attitudes.. All three of them shared a common bond over living through societies worst aspects as kids.

She had been a little girl caught up in a war. She had to attend funerals for too many people taken before their time including her father. She was tormented by the fear that one false step would leave her dead, or worse, orphaned. It had all been under the boot of an oppressive dictatorship.

Jace grew up on Vryn – a plane ravaged by income disparity. The poor couldn't find employment and when they could, they had to work for practically nothing while the pollution from factories contaminated them. Through a series of good fortunes, an old family friend had collected a fair bit of money through various business ventures and he agreed to take Jace to Dominaria to get an education and stay in good heath.

Gideon – Chandra felt – had it worse than both her and Jace combined. He had never met his father and his mother died while he was still young. His homeplane of Theros was unwilling to help provide him a life worth living so he resorted to joining a gang. While their robbing the homes of the few people on the plane that controlled almost all the wealth sustained Gideon for a while, he was eventually caught and spent years in prison.

When he finally got his freedom, he was given an opportunity to join a youth program on the plane of Bant. He was was immediately stripped of his former name – Kytheon – because the people of Bant decided it was too hard to pronounce. From there, he entered a work program that paid poorly and treated him worse than his prison guards had.

Eventually, he gave up and when no services on Bant were willing to help an 'ungrateful, lazy immigrant,' he was shuttled off to Dominaria for a foster care program. His treatment there was no better and Gideon had explained to Chandra that life had finally started to feel hopeless, but before he had a chance to do anything stupid, he was taken in in by foster parent named Alhammarret who just happened to be the same man that had saved Jace.

So while all three had settled into comfortable lives, they had all learned of injustice and inequality the hard way and it stuck with them. Chandra respected them for their trials and the awareness that came with them, but found it frustrating that even though they had been through worse than her, she had a bigger chip on her shoulder. She always tried to convince herself that the reason she found this so irritating was that she found them complacent and weak, but a small part of her always knew the truth – that she was envious. She loved her passion for social justice, but was sick of being angry and exhausted all the time.

Jace seemed willing to comply with Gideon as he slowly started sinking back into his chair, but Chandra wasn't finished yet. “Jace, can I talk to you outside?” She wasn't sure the tone of voice she used but she was sure it wasn't the intended one.

 


	7. Red and Blue

Chandra stood outside of their study room face to face with Jace who had taken down his hood which Chandra knew was a sign that he meant business. _Okay. Just keep it together._

“Alright.” Jace sounded tired like he was already done with he conversation. “What do you want to say?”

Chandra wanted to maintain eye contact but it became evident to her that there would be no way to do that and keep emotional composure. “I'm sorry, man. If....” Jace tried to butt in but Chandra wanted to get this out while she could. “If someone said to me what I said to you, I'd lose it. I don't even know why I said it. I don't believe what I said.”

Jace had clearly had enough of Chandra's words as she suddenly felt his arm wrap around her followed by the thud of her face hitting his chest. “I know, dude. We're cool.”

She was managing not to cry but she had made her body so rigid in the process that she was worried she might fall over if she wasn't locked in this sloppy hug. She yelled into his chest, “how can you say it's cool? You can't just give me a free pass when I say something shitty to you. Why would you let me talk to you like that?” Chandra could feel her eyes give up start to water so she tried to reposition her head so that she wouldn't get any on Jace's sweater, but there was no way to avert her eyes without looking directly back into the study room.

Jace caught on to this. “If you get any tears on the sweater, I'll just go soak it in the bathroom sink. No one's gonna know.”

This gave Chandra a chuckle but she was fixated on the fact that Jace didn't answer her question. She knew she was prone to emotional outbursts, but just because there was circumstances that made it more likely, Chandra never accepted them as an excuse and she was ashamed that Jace may have thought otherwise. “Come on, Jace. I'm serious.”

“Let's take a lap.” Jace let go of Chandra and started to waddle away.

“But they're waiting for us.”

“Eh. Whatever. They can wait a few minutes.” He beckoned her to follow and Chandra was happy to take him up on his offer so she could compose herself by the time they went back to he group. The two began circling the floor side by side. “Chandra, why do you compare my life with yours?”

“Because they're so similar.”

“But they aren't.”

Chandra wasn't sure what Jace was getting at but she had a feeling it would end with her telling him he's wrong. “Obviously the finer details are all different, but we both grew up on oppressed planes with governments that were happy to throw us to the dogs. Hell, we were the fucking dogs. We didn't matter as human beings and our governments weren't shy about that fact.”

“Yeah, you're right. Vryn's government is one of the most despicable in the multiverse.”

Jace was ready to continue his point but Chandra wasn't done making hers. “You didn't even have your parents to count on. At least I had that.”

“I could count on my parents. That was kinda' the problem. If they hadn't cared, they probably wouldn't have been sick and tired all the time from working twelve hours a day. They were always there though. My dad always gave me a pat on the back when he got home, and my mom would tell me she loved me and kissed my cheek before I'd go to sleep.”

“There's no way that's enough for a kid. I'm not blaming them, but it doesn't change that you were forced to go through it.”

“Yeah, more attention from my dad woulda' been nice and all. It wasn't ideal but damn, Chandra, yours was murdered in front of you.” It was time for Chandra to get denied chances to get a word out. Before she could, Jace turned around so they could meet eye to eye – walking backwards now so they could continue their trek. “Chandra, you were in a war. What I had to go through isn't even close to your story.”

Chandra couldn't argue that there were few things worse than war, but she never felt that gave her the right to feel any less fortunate than any other oppressed person

Doing a remarkable job walking backwards, Jace continued, “You don't understand how I'm not angry all the time? It's because I haven't earned it.”

“Of course you have.”

“No.” Jace said this is in a commanding tone that was a blue moon level of rarity from him; he jabbed Chandra in the chest with a single finger. “You have. I haven't. I wish that you weren't so pissed all the time – for your own sake but I never want you to think you don't deserve every ounce of anger in that big ol' heart of yours.”

Chandra was at a loss. She wasn't used to Jace being so openly loving or passionate. _This seems like the point in the movie where he tells me he's dying._ The two were nearing the end of their lap in silence. Once Jace had turned around, Chandra itched her eye to ensure they had finished drying. She couldn't help but feel like Jace was waiting for her to say something, but all she wanted to say was, _he's wrong. There's nothing special about my childhood._

Jace ruffled her hair as they finished their trip which she took as accepting they were done talking about it. Chandra apologized again and Jace responded, “next time I'm a jerk, I get a freebie.”

She gave him a half hearted smile and they entered the room. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, all Chandra could think was, _he hates me now_.

When they opened the door, three pairs of eyes fixated on them which Chandra acknowledged as natural and while Gideon and Nissa just had the look of involuntarily looking up as normal people would, Liliana's eyes had a combination of dread and despair like she was expecting this to be the same confession of death scene Chandra had just been in.

Chandra took her seat as Jace walked around the table to his. Jace passed Gideon who had reached his hand up to give Jace's a gentle squeeze. Unaware of how the conversation went, it seemed to simultaneously say 'calm down' or 'good for you for forgiving her.'

Once everyone was back in their chairs, Nissa asked the room, “you two make up?”

Jace leaned in and in a genuine and solemn tone stated, “I told her I forgave her and she kneed me in the stomach.” Nissa looked over at Liliana and gave her a reassuring thumbs up.

Time was running out and Chandra didn't want attention fixated on her, so she was glad that Gideon seemed to want to get right back to business. “We all talked while you two were on your field trip. Chandra, do you actually have an idea for something we could do?”

“Well....No.” She was expecting to hear a stifled giggle from Jace but he contained himself.

“Very well. We have two choices: We use my idea, or give Chandra some time to think of something else.”

At this point, Chandra was too exhausted from the ride of emotions she had just gone on to care. If the the rest of them wanted to go along with Gideon, she wouldn't have even been upset. Gideon wanted to put it to a vote and for better or worse, he didn't poll Chandra as common sense suggested she was still adamant. “I think we all know where Chandra, Jace and I stand.” Jace nodded to confirm he hadn't changed his mind. “Nissa?”

Nissa's eyes were rolled up like she was trying to find the right words. “Well, Gideon. No offence but your idea sounds kind of boring.”

“No offence taken. I hadn't created the concept to be entertaining.”

“This class is already dull as could be. It might be nice for the stimulation.” With quiet dignity, Gideon accepted this answer.

No one looked directly at Liliana but all four sets of eyes shifted slightly in her direction. This would have been impossible to miss so her head shifting aimlessly had to be feigning ignorance. Finally, Jace cut to the point, “you're up, new girl. No pressure.”

With a tense voice, Liliana spoke, “regardless of what we do, I believe we all want a good grade on this.” The following silence was the group agreeing. “I looked into Dr. Andrio when I registered for the class and found out he is quite politically charged.”

Jace laughed. “Seriously? That dude is older than the concept of class conflict.”

“I was surprised too but he has seen his share of activism. If we approach him with something provocative, I think it will earn us a better grade.”

Nissa looked over at Gideon. “Seems like something everyone other than Jace can get on board with.”

Gideon gave the slightest nod. “Then how about this? We have to hand in our proposal a week from now. Chandra, if you can come up with a feasible idea in the next five days, we can do your project. If not, we do mine.”

Chandra couldn't ask for a better deal. “Yeah, sure. I'll figure something out.”

“Excellent. You work on that and I'll start researching mine.”

“I'll help her brainstorm,” Nissa proclaimed. “Better than doing nothing.”

Liliana added hastily, “I can help Gideon then.” She looked over at him, “if you want.”

_Damn._

“Of course,” Gideon said eagerly.

“I guess I'll just prepare myself mentally for whatever comes next,” Jace said matter of factually.

Nissa, seemingly instinctively, flicked his ear. “There's software we need to use to compile the data. Figure out how to use it..”

No one seemed a better fit for that job and Jace knew that, so he had no excuse to argue. “Alright, fine. My natural brilliance will save the day.”

Before Nissa had another chance to flick Jace for his arrogance, Liliana stood up. “Sorry, everyone I have to go. I would really like to be a couple minutes early for my class.”

“Oh fuck!” Chandra pulled out her phone to look at the time. “I'm going to be late for sure.” _I'm three buildings away. I don't think I'll make even if I run_. She haphazardly gathered her things, yelled out, “See ya.” And took off.

 


	8. Infatuations

Chandra barrelled through the door of the physics lab – struggling to breathe. Through the stars circling her, she managed to make out the time on a clock on the opposite end of the room. _Oh thank god. I made it_. She was so out of breath that even her thoughts felt laboured. Normally, Chandra wouldn't have minded being a minute late as was normal for enough students that she could slide in unannounced, but the department had a rule that you needed to be on time for the first lab to participate in the course.

The second hand on the clock soon crossed the finish line and Chandra realized there was no instructor present. _I swear if this class is cancelled and I did all that for nothing_. Despite eating well, Chandra was out of shape. Her exercise routine consisted of nothing. She had been a courier during the war, so her body understood the idea of running but was dangerously out of practice.

_Okay, spare seat? Spare sea....Oh come on!_ Chandra was beginning to question her disbelief of fate because it's need to torture her was the only explanation she could find for Liliana sitting calmly next to the one open space waving her over. _Being alone with her. That should help._

Chandra parked herself next to Liliana and still slightly wheezing asked, “how did you get here so fast?”

“I ran.”

_So did I!_ “You must be in better shape than me.”

“You took the long way. The library has a set of stairs twenty feet from where we were working.”

Quickly doing the math in her head, Chandra figured that would shave, at most, ninety seconds off her time. Even if she had been able to run a little bit slower, she'd still be out of breath. Liliana looked composed enough that Chandra would have believed a cloud carried her the entire way. _No matter how many secret passages she knows about, no average person would look so unphased_.

Chandra tried to give up talking – hoping the teacher would show up any second but while she fumbled through her bag, Liliana kept going. “Your mom works here. Has she said anything to you about the teacher replacing Dr. Ballard?”

When registering for courses, Chandra had chosen this one because Dr. Ballard – her favourite teacher – had been designated the instructor. The entire class got an email last week informing them that she had a family emergency back home and a emplacement would be provided. By that time, it was too late to fill her schedule with something else. “No, but she said she knew who it was and that I'd really like her. I trust her judgment.”

“Well, I guess that is worth something. I was really looking forward to Dr. Ballard though. She sounded very compelling from what I read.”

_Is she that curious or just a proficient kiss ass?_ “I still can't believe our other teacher is some old school activist. How did you even find out about that?”

An uncomfortable look overtook Liliana's face. “About that. I might have fabricated that fact just a little bit?”

“So you lied to us?” Chandra wasn't angry though she was mystified. It seemed like such a strange thing to fib about.

“If it means anything, I do not feel good about it.”

“Well, not really, but that's just because I don't care that you did it in the first place. Why though?”

“It seemed like you might be able to come up with an idea that would be better than Gideon's.”

“You could have just said so. Whatever your honest opinion was, it couldn't have been any more blunt than Nissa's.”

“I concluded that if I could provide some quantifiable reason, there would be no need for any more fighting.”

This filled Chandra's gut with guilt. She hadn't stopped to think about how uncomfortable her and Jace's altercation must have made Liliana. “Fuck...About that. I'm sorry. I had no right behaving like that.”

“I suppose not, but I did appreciate the ruthlessness and passion.”

If Chandra hadn't been so focused on not looking like an idiot, she was sure an unsightly grin would be forming on her face. “I don't know if you got the memo, but ruthless is usually used as an insult toward women.”

“Did you take it as an insult?”

“It's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a while.” _I hope that sounded more grateful than pathetic._

“On that note, I have never seen a man get that angry at a woman without calling her a bitch or a” she proceeded to make some awkward hand gestures. “You know?”

Chandra beamed as if she had something to do with it. “Yeah. He's a good boy.”

It was then that the door flew open. Chandra's mind only needed a half second to process why her mother had been confident she would appreciate the replacement teacher. She yelped out, “Rashmi!” Which she instantly thanked herself for not being quite loud enough for the woman who just entered the room to hear.

Liliana, on the other hand, was close enough that it startled her. When she recovered, Chandra heard her mumble to herself, “the inventor?”

Chandra had nowhere near enough composure to make a joke about Liliana being so proficient at kissing ass that she looked up the teacher they didn't know they had. She barely had enough spare mental energy to consider how weird it was that Liliana knew who Rashmi was.

Liliana had been accurate. Rashmi was in fact an inventor and a pretty important one at that. What surprised Chandra about Liliana's knowledge was that as crucial a figure as their new teacher was, she generally went unrecognized or undervalued – even on Kaladesh where she had been a key piece in the Revolution.

Unlike Chandra's mother, Rashmi wasn't a fighter. She had never been on the front line and unless you're getting your picture taken, your value can be reduced to nothing in the public eye. Chandra had always felt this was unfair, especially given everything Rashmi had done for Kaladesh. Despite being captured and put into forced labour, she still managed to conceptualize and eventually create some of the masterpieces that dictated the outcome of the war.

Rashmi was now overlooking the entire class. She was short, but carried herself like someone much larger; her dark brown skin contrasted her bright, flashy wardrobe. There was enough hair for Rashmi's dreads to fall past her shoulders, but they were up in a bun with strands drooping from the knot like wires hanging out of a machine.

She was as beautiful as Chandra remembered. While Nissa was the one that (unintentionally) helped Chandra understand her own sexuality, in hindsight, it should have been Rashmi. Chandra was obsessed with her as a child. Having adults to idolize wasn't unusual for any kid and little Chandra knew this, so when she'd lay awake at night thinking of her, or gushing anytime Rashmi paid her attention, Chandra's mind hadn't jumped to 'I must be gay.'

"Physics 211.” Rashmi paused to give anyone that was in the wrong room time to run away. Chandra always figured if she were in that position, she'd just wait out the rest of the class to avoid the shame.

“I apologize for being 2 minutes and 34 seconds late. In my defense, it is my first day on campus, but in the interest of fairness, you have the right to be that late for any one class without repercussion. Use it wisely. Now” she continued pulling out some paper, “I will proceed to butcher your names.” She wasn't wrong and her heavy accent wasn't helping.

Given the late notice of her becoming the teacher, Chandra wasn't sure if Rashmi knew she was there. Gently bouncing up and down in the back of the class, Chandra knew Rashmi wouldn't have seen her, so the countdown to 'Nalaar' was getting exciting and she didn't care if Liliana noticed how star struck she was.

The moment came and Chandra shot her arm up. She was put off by the fact that Rashmi wasn't at all phased by this though she did detect a slight smile when they made eye contact. The roll call did get interesting as it come to a close though. Chandra was expecting Rashmi to pause reading her name but to her surprise, it right before the last name; she read in seeming disbelief, “Liliana Vess.”

_They seem to be aware of each other. What the fuck is goin' on?_ As Rashmi went on with the rest of the housekeeping of the course, Chandra couldn't help but feel irked at her mother. _If she hadn't let me get blindsided like this, I might have been able to prepare how to not act like an idiot._

As Rashmi wrapped up, she informed the class that she didn't have a lesson plan for the day, but refused to let them leave. “We're going to do a lab introduction.” There were some almost silent groans throughout the crowd and rightfully so. This was a second year physics course, which meant everyone had gone through the 'getting to know the lab' tour at least twice. Chandra couldn't deny it was a waste of time.

“Now let's dress to impress, everyone. Get those lab coats on.”

Chandra removed her jacket while glancing over to get a peek at what Liliana was wearing underneath the baggy sweater – unconsciously hoping it was something that matched the tone of her dream but saw what, at first glance, looked like a pep rally shirt. It had a blocky 'Tolaria West' across the chest and TWU on both tips of its long sleeves.

While not the same vibe as what Chandra had seen in her sleep, she still appreciated what was in front of her. The snugness of the shirt showed how athletic Liliana must be and Chandra loved a good uniform. In summary, Liliana looked powerful and she had a thing for women with a 'don't fuck with me' aura about them and Liliana was silently screaming it to the world.

When Liliana turned her back to Chandra, her last name – Vess – curled above the number 03. It was obviously for a sport, but it was too warm and tight for any Chandra could think of.

Carelessly, Chandra got caught looking; when Liliana turned around and began tying her hair up, she said, “I know. It's weird. The shirt I was wearing got soaked when I was fixing my kitchen and this was already in my bag.”

All Chandra could muster was a feeble chuckle and an internal sigh of relief that Liliana hadn't tried to call her on what she was actually doing.

As the assignment for the day made it to them, Rashmi gave no instructions on how to complete it. _At least she knows it's a waste of time._ It was a list of lab equipment as well as a floor plan of the lab; the idea was to find the items and fill in where they are. It seemed like something for kids and at this point, it might as well be. Chandra knew she could fill in 95% of it from memory but figured she might as well go through the motions.

Much like the walk to the library, once Chandra and Liliana got their coats on, they stayed somewhat grouped together while still being separated enough that talking wasn't compulsory which suited Chandra fine. She was exhausting so much will power resisting glancing at Liliana that she forgot about the elephant in her thoughts until it tapped her on the shoulder and circled around her.

“Hello, dear.”

Rashmi had a soothing voice and warm smile that Chandra quickly remembered being enchanted by. Now that she was face to face with her for the first time in years, all she manage was an obnoxious, “hiiiii,” while her ears became warm. Rashmi extended her hand and Chandra felt underwhelmed. _I guess she can't exactly hug me or anything_.

“I suppose Pia didn't inform you that I'd be your teacher, did she?”

Chandra just shook her head and hoped Rashmi's assumption wasn't based entirely on how giddy she was.

“Your mother has always been a cheeky one. She may have only told me you would be here so I could prepare for your disappointment. Apparently you're quite fond of Dr. Ballard.”

This is where Chandra would normally inquire about her favourite teacher. Asking if she's okay and when she'll be back, but that wasn't entering Chandra's mind at all. “Well, she's great, but having you here is so much better.” Chandra immediately realized how much childlike glee her sentence was full of and she wanted to smack herself.

“As long as you think so, that's worth a lot.” Rashmi gripped Chandra's shoulder which she took as the closest thing to a hug as could be done. “I've got to go around and meet everyone else. You should come by my office sometime to chat. Pia doesn't talk about you enough.” As if summoned, Chandra heard her phone go off with the notification noise tied to her mother.

Chandra gave an enthusiastic thumbs up and blurted out, “you got it.” _My god. Get it together_.

Rashmi passed by Liliana and the two introduced formally and uneventfully which seemed strange to Chandra given their mutual recognition of each others names. Once Rashmi was out of earshot, Liliana turned to Chandra and quietly asked, “are you like that around all teachers?” She sounded genuinely concerned for Chandra's emotional well-being.

“I'm just surprised. She's an old friend of my family.”

“I suppose we all had one of those growing up.” Liliana walked off to finish the assignment.

_I really don't like how perceptive she is._ Chandra pulled out her phone to see the message,

**Be home for dinner tonight. You can tell me all about your day**

Chandra just shook her head at the gull of her mother.

**Yeah, yeah, I'll be there**

With that, Chandra wrapped up her busy work and handed it in to Rashmi who beamed at her and waved goodbye. Chandra bit down on her tongue to avoid saying anything. She would have preferred to do no talking to anyone until she got home, but as she got a ten meters out of the lab, she heard Liliana call out behind her.

Liliana, wrapped back in her sweater, caught up to her. “Hey. Do you have any dinner plans? I was going to go get some food if you would like to join me?”

Chandra immediately knew she was going to spend her entire night unpacking this moment. She'd wonder why Liliana would ask her (she often forgot some people are naturally social), what she would have said if she hadn't just committed her time and how it might have gone if she had the guts to accept the offer. “Sorry,” she pulled out her phone for proof. “I told my mother I'd be home for dinner.”

Liliana didn't bother to look at Chandra's evidence. _Why aren't more people constantly suspicious of people lying to them?_ “That sounds lovely. Another time then.”

“For sure.” _I'm going to run out of excuses pretty fast._

The two headed in the same direction which locked Chandra into a conversation. “Daughter of a teacher at the school you attend? She must be checking on you constantly.”

“She's never brought it up, but you're probably right.” Chandra had never given any thought to this because it was a given. Pia had been constantly checking on Chandra her entire life.

“Have you considered taking one of her classes?”

Chandra noticed Liliana was nailing this session of small talk. The timid woman she met a few hours prior was missing and Chandra desperately wanted to know if Liliana just suffered in groups, or if she found Chandra so unimposing that she felt comfortable opening up. Whatever the reason, Chandra was thankful she didn't have to try and carry the two of them. “Economics aren't really my thing. I know she wants me to though.”

“That sounds like a mom thing. I guess she will have to settle for dinner.” Liliana stopped at the next fork and pointed in the opposite direction that Chandra was turning. “Dinner for me is this way. Until we meet again.”

Chandra waved awkwardly in silence which she felt was a fitting end to the day.

 

 


	9. A Moment Alone

A sense of relief washed over Chandra when she kicked off her boots. They weren't particularly tight, but she found slipping out of heavy shoes was one of the best ways to tell her brain it was time to relax.

_If only I could just go to bed_. She had found the day emotionally overwhelming and wanted to lay in the dark and forget all of it, but her mother obviously had other plans. Pia rarely requested Chandra's presence for dinner – likely because Chandra came right home after school almost every day.

Chandra had spent the bus ride home contemplating her mother's intentions which, if she weren't so prone to worry, would have served as an excellent distraction from the mess of a day that wouldn't end. She had at least been able to reassure herself that if this were an urgent matter, her mother wouldn't have demanded her presence since Pia had a tendency for softness when it came to bad news.

“Hi, mother!” Chandra belted out and was met with nothing more than the sound of banging from the kitchen. She came in to see Pia fiddling with pans. “Are you making dinner?”

Pia spun around and answered enthusiastically, “Yeah! Why not?” Her long hair was tied into a tail which was a style reserved for housework. Chandra came in closer to inspect and Pia ruffled her hair. “Extra spicy lamb. I thought that would be nice for you.”

“To make up for that savage blindside?”

Pia's laughter was soft and sincere – perfect for a mother. “How fun, right?”

Chandra felt unapologetic was too harsh a word to describe her mother despite its accuracy. Pia really had meant well by surprising Chandra with her new teacher so she was willing to put it behind her. She still felt the need to remind her mother, “I don't like surprises. It was pretty fucking amazing though.”

“Complain about it all you want at dinner.”

“I can help.”

“I have everything under control.”

“Ooookay.” Chandra shrugged her shoulders and retreated to her room. She understood that normally, the polite thing to do would be at least stay and make conversation, but that wasn't the way things worked in this house. Pia struggled with cooking and having a voice distracting her just increased the anxiety. Chandra was in love with this rule tonight as she wanted nothing more than to be alone.

She entered her room and closed the door as quietly as she could as to not be obvious that she had no desire for conversation. Chandra stepped over various piles of clothes and trash to fall backwards on to her bed. While she wasn't sleepy, she did feel tired and her eyes instantly shut

Despite her best efforts to shut her brain up, this was the first time it had been free to wander which almost always meant negative thoughts; she couldn't help fixate on her argument with Jace.

_Of course he'd say he forgives me. That's just what you do_. _If someone spoke to me that way, I'd hold a grudge, so I know he is....I think he is. I should text him to apologize again. Or would that just annoy him?_

This train of thought had no signs of stopping, but it did slow down when she heard a buzz from her phone. She pulled it out and held it inches in front of her face – dropping it on her nose twice in the process. When she was finally able to focus her eyes on it, she saw it was a message to the project group chat which was quickly followed by a friend request from Liliana.

Chandra immediately accepted it then hid her screen from her vision. _Don't be that girl Chandra. Don't do it. Don't fucking do it._ She let out an overly dramatic sigh. _Fuck it_.

The blow to her self-respect yielded little in the way of results. There was little snooping to be done on Liliana's profile. Very few pictures, no posts, not much in the way of friends and no relevant information. Chandra wasn't sure if she was more disappointed in her willingness to spy or at what a poor attempt it had been. Chandra's thumb grazed the lock button on her screen but she found herself stuck.

_Ugh, you're so lame,_ she thought to herself as she swiped back and forth through the four pictures available to her in act she considered inappropriate for anyone over the age of fifteen. Eventually, she narrowed it down to her favourite picture and got lost in it.

The picture wasn't even especially flattering, but Chandra couldn't help but fixate on the fact that _she looks so happy._ Chandra could tell that unless Liliana was a professional model, there was no way this captured moment wasn't one of genuine bliss. Her slightly squinted eyes and toothy smile made it look like she had just heard a great joke on the best day of her life.

_I wish I could be around her when she felt like that._ A new and more exciting train of thought started forming. _I wish I could make her feel like that._ There was nothing slightly racy about what she had just professed to herself, but word association took her down a related yet contrasting path. She checked the time and began calculating how much longer it would take her mother to finish cooking.

Chandra decided that the math added up and put her phone down. She readjusted herself into a more comfortable position, undid her pants button with her left hand and slid under it with her right. It was rare for thoughts of a real person to readily encourage her like this and she knew she'd feel weird about it afterwards but that wasn't stopping her now.

Once she got a good rhythm going, Chandra pulled the sheet off one of her pillows and bit down on it since she had a tendency to get lost in the moment. She knew she wasn't loud but any sound at all was too much to let out in her small house and not having to worry about it enhanced the experience.

Normally, Chandra would pull a scenario from a collection of her own imagination, but tonight, she didn't need it. For now, all she had to do was pick up where her dream left off – with a couple changes. She preferred the less demonic version of Liliana and she managed to erase the image of the dead man on the floor.

Now it was just her on her back with a regular beautiful woman crawling on top of her. Chandra had no memory of what the dream version of Liliana sounded like. This meant the voice whispering, “Tell me how bad you want this, Chandra,” sounded genuine.

Chandra responded to her imagination's request with increased fervour.

A pair of teeth latched on to her neck – just hard enough to send a shiver through her body. Chandra buckled and Liliana responded by stretching Chandra's arms out and pinning her.

Chandra wasn't a masochist nor did she have any desire to be submissive, but if you played back all her fantasies, you wouldn't guess as such. What counted for Chandra was knowing her partner was passionate enough to use force and confident enough that if she scratched, they'd scratch back.

Resisting for the sake of it wasn't her idea of fun either though, so Chandra was content with the continued pressure against her wrists while quick stings pierced her collar. One of her hands was released – Liliana needed a hand free to lift up Chandra's shirt who responded in kind by pulling Liliana's dress down.

The building intensity of the fantasy was being matched by Chandra's movements.

Seeing the difficulty Chandra was having with her dress, Liliana released her so she could bring herself up to a mounting position and slide it off herself. Now bare from the stomach up, Liliana's hands slowly crawled closer to where reality's Chandra's were and once there, began a slow circular motion while Liliana peered into her eyes with an expression of arrogance.

Time slowed down for Chandra much sooner than expected. She felt a particularly painful cramp which was a sign that the show was almost over and the ending was going to be especially impressive. The tightness lasted about two seconds. Following that, her toes were fully curled, her jaw was crushing the pillow sheet and all sense of rhythm or restraint with her hands were cast aside and a wave of bliss washed over her.

Chandra let the sheet slide and of her mouth she chuckled. _I guess it has been a while._ Anytime Chandra masturbated, asked herself why she didn't do it more often. For the first time all day, she felt calm. She hadn't forgot her fight with Jace, making an idiot of herself in front of her teacher and about the obsession over Liliana but the anxiety around them melted away.

Normally, she would consider going again, especially given how quick she was, but after an orgasm like that, she knew she'd be too sensitive for the next few minutes and by the time she could get anything accomplished, dinner would be ready.

Instead, she opted to bunch up like a little spoon with her eyes closed and a grin on her face – fixating on the dilemma of how hungry she was versus how badly she wished she could lay calm and motionless forever.

 


	10. Wherefore Art Thou

Chandra was very expressive when it came to bad news. One of the many times Jace put his foot in his mouth throughout their friendship was when he told her that no matter the circumstance, anytime she thought she was about to hear anything potentially upsetting, her face, 'looked like it had just watched someone get brutally murdered in front of you.' When she informed him of what happened with her father, he felt guilty but maintained his position.

 

She had no way of knowing if this was accurate as she'd never been looking in a mirror for any such incident, though she believed his assessment was spot on because she was too familiar with her internal dialogue. It was overwhelming in both its grim nature and velocity which was apparent when Pia said, “I have something to tell you and you might not like it at first.”

 

Semantics played no role in the sense of dread that enveloped Chandra. Her mother's phrasing wouldn't ever be used for any news that matched the the sudden onset of anxiety that tightened her chest, but that didn't matter.

 

_What is this? Is she sick? Am I sick? Maybe she just got fired. Did I make such an idiot out of myself in Rashmi's class that she's kicking me out? God, what if something happened to Jace and the last thing he did was get in a fight with me_. Thanks to the way Chandra's brain worked, she went down a dozen dark paths within seconds of her mother's announcement.

 

As fast as Chandra's thoughts were though, it could have taken hours to predict what her mother had to say.

 

“I got engaged yesterday.... Well, I was proposed to.”

 

Chandra knew this was a reveal that would usually have more tact, but she figured the despair was apparent and her mother had to get the news out as fast as possible. At this point she hoped the misery faded from her expression because all she had left in her thoughts was confusion. A lot of questions were circling inside Chandra: _Who could it be? How long has she been hiding this relationship from me? More importantly, why does she think I wouldn't like this? What's wrong with this guy?_

 

All these compelling and detailed thoughts came out as nothing more than belting out, “what!?”

 

Pia wasn't phased by the yelp as if she were expecting it. “I need you to listen and stay calm, okay?”

 

“That wasn't meant to sound so angry, but I'm gonna need you to give me a pass on that.”

 

“I will. I know you have a lot of questions.”

 

Chandra was expecting her mother to go on so when the conversation wasn't progressing, she timidly asked, “are you opening up the floor?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

There was a seemingly endless supply of queries but Chandra needed to know one thing. “Why did you think I wouldn't like this?”

 

“Is that really your first question? You don't want to get the who, what, where, when, why out of the way?”

 

“I want to know why you think I'd be upset at the idea of you being happy. Do you think I'm that childish and selfish?” Pia seemed to be struggling to find a response; Chandra looked down at her food “You didn't even think I could handle knowing you were seeing someone.” _I know I can get emotional and I know she knows I'm still not over father, but still._ “I'm still just a stupid brat to you, aren't I?”

 

This wasn't intended as an attack against her mother. It was a genuine expression of insecurity that Chandra was never able to shrug off. As a kid, she wasn't well behaved – a fact she was aware of even at the time. She wouldn't keep up with her schoolwork and constantly antagonized authority figures; since she didn't have much in the way of friends, she would relentlessly demand her parents' attention. She didn't like being a nuisance but she didn't know how to act any other way.

 

When the war ended, Chandra found a way to grow up and be less annoying (as far as she could remember at any rate), but she still struggled. Anytime she failed a test or got sent to the school councillor, she felt like that same ten year old that was a constant inconvenience and even as she became an adult, this still hung over her.

 

Once she had said what she did, Chandra figured that this conversation was going to have some tears, but she assumed they would be hers. She looked up from her plate and, to her surprise, saw her mother wiping her eyes. _Look what you did._

 

Pia reached out and caressed Chandra's hand. “You're right. I should have given you more credit but can you at least let me explain? It's more complicated then it sounds.”

 

Chandra instinctively nodded in silence.

 

“Well, for starters, we've only been together for four months, so it's not like I've been withholding information for that long.”

 

“Uhhh....Are you secretly rich?” Chandra noted a shifting of her mother's eyes that made it look like she needed to think about the question.

 

“I don't think that's it.”

 

“Is he dying?”

 

“I hope not.”

 

“Well, four months isn't a very long time.”

 

Pia shrugged with a grin on her face. “I was as confused as you are but he made the point that no god was keeping us together if we didn't like it. I couldn't argue with that.”

 

Chandra couldn't either. “I guess, why not?” Pia said nothing as if she were waiting for her daughter to say more. Chandra, forgetting that her mother had insinuated that there was more to the story, didn't know what to ask and was hoping her mother would continue to elaborate.

 

Eventually, Pia went on. “There is a problem though. I don't know how excited you're going to be about him at first.”

 

This seemed like an irrational fear to Chandra. She couldn't imagine her mother going in to a hasty marriage with someone she wouldn't like. “You're with him. How bad could he be?”

 

“He's amazing, but he comes from a background with money and I knew you wouldn't think that was so great.”

 

Chandra winced as her mother wasn't wrong. The war they had been caught up in – the one that destroyed hundreds of homes, took thousands of innocent prisoners and the lives of so many more than just her father – had been a war of greed. Those that did the murdering and the pillaging were no more well off than Chandra's family and were likely much poorer.

 

However, those responsible were the kinds of people that operated on soulless ambition. The wealth they accumulated could never have been done on hard work alone. Chandra knew that to make it to the top, you needed to sit upon a pile of broken and dead bodies; the callousness of these people was no more apparent than when she looked back on her father's death.

 

What really drove the point home for her wasn't that an innocent man was murdered in front of her or even that a child was set to be the next victim. She knew the elites were irremediable when it occurred to her that if her father had survived and Baral hadn't, it would have made no difference to them. Objectively, they would have lost a valuable soldier, but there would have been no additional grief over the death of a man risking his life for them over the man actively trying to stop them.

 

She had always been sure her mother felt the same way – Pia certainly said it often enough. Now, Chandra had to question the credibility of the woman sitting across from her. “How much money?” There was, as far as Chandra was concerned, a correct answer to this question. Even she acknowledged there was a difference between upper class and those with unfathomable resources.

 

“Do you remember that protest we went to right after we moved here?”

 

Chandra did recall the event, but she was ashamed that she didn't remember what it had been about. It was the first protest she had gone to where the crowd wasn't in any real danger. No one wearing armour or questioning the morality of a girl Chandra's age being there. She had to be honest. “I remember going, but to tell the truth, I was having way too much fun to pay attention.”

 

Pia nodded with a warm smile. “I figured. It was the happiest I had seen you since we had moved, and if we're being honest, I had hoped you were just having a good time.” She ruffled Chandra's hair – an act of affection they both knew Chandra was fond of. “It was about education cuts. I figured taking you might have made you more interested in school.”

 

“Oh damn, that's right. They wanted to take away special needs teachers. Whatever happened with that?”

 

“It was never a proposed policy of anyone in charge. We were actually there to protest someone running for Senate who put that in their platform.”

 

Chandra snapped her finger. “Bozo Jo!” She knew that wasn't the man's name, but she remembered the nickname. In the middle of trying to recall that, her brain had another realization. “Are you dating Bozo Jo?”

 

Pia rolled her eyes. “It's Jovi.”

 

Eyes widened, Chandra asked, “do you remember why we called her Bozo Jo, mother?” When Pia seemed unwilling to answer, Chandra got to her feet. “It was because he was a fucking asshole! What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

The answer to Chandra's initial question of 'how much money' would have been 'all of it.' Jovi had made headlines six years ago when he was trying to get into politics. This was a big deal only because he was fairly famous. This was fame he had inherited as one of the wealthiest people on Dominaria. Chandra could have handled a savvy investor or a tech mogul, but Jovi was exactly the kind of monster that ravaged her home.

 

Pia maintained her composure. “I told you I need you to stay calm.”

 

“Fuck calm. I'm leaving.” Chandra retreated to her room with no objections from her mother.

 

Once the door was slammed shut, she found a pair of headphones, a set of clothes and the books she would need tomorrow. _I don't care if I'm being childish. She's marrying a monster. I have every right to be angry._

 

Chandra's apprehension about the man she knew was founded on more than just the fact that he was part of the 0.01%. It had been too long ago to remember the finer details, but she could recall the charming 'most eligible bachelor' (an attribute about him she never imagined would be relevant to her) that said all the right things – that inequality needed to go, that it was okay to be gay and that every one needed to be taken care of.

 

This coincided with a slew of proposed policies that would strip away the rights of immigrants like her and her mother, decimate education and remove laws in place to protect those that did need help. He was everything she thought a Nalaar stood against.

 

She threw her belongings into her bag and swung the bedroom door open to see her mother standing in her way.

 

Pia looked down at the backpack in Chandra's hand and said smugly, “running away from home looses its shock value once you become an adult.”

 

There was no circumstance that Chandra would dare try to push past her mother (it likely wouldn't work on the soldier's body that blocked her path), so she tried being polite – adding a glare for affect. “Please move, mother.”

 

She didn't. “Do you remember the first time you tried to run away from home?” Pia interpreted Chandra's silence as no – which was accurate – and continued. “You wanted to go play with your friends at the race track.

 

Chandra nodded. Not much of that day was left in her memory, but some key details stood out.

 

“There had been some clashing near there recently and we thought it was too dangerous. Do you remember what happened that day?”

 

Pia, once again, correctly assessed Chandra's reaction of breaking eye contact. This time it meant yes and she remained silent to let Chandra contemplate.

 

The full details were never explained to Chandra, but what she did know was that on the day, there was a raid in the village adjacent to the track. Two of Chandra's friends had been badly injured and one of the kids that Chandra didn't know was killed. “What's your point? I'm nineteen, there's no war to worry about or even a high crime rate within 100 km of us.”

 

Chandra was caught off guard by her mother flicking her forehead – something that hadn't happened since she was a child. “My point is that I'm always right, you silly girl. Now if I'm not mistaken, minutes ago, you got quite upset that I didn't respect your integrity. I apologized and now you have the nerve to justify doing the same to me.”

 

A thud rang through the room when Chandra's backpack dropped to the floor. _Shit._ “Fine. Say whatever you need to say.”

 

“And?”

 

Once again averting her mother's eyes, Chandra muttered, “I'm sorry.”

 

“Good. Now sit.” Pia pointed at Chandra's bed and followed her to it. “Would you like to hear the full story?”

 

Chandra wasn't all too interested at the moment, but knew that was a rhetorical question, so she ushered her mother to continue.

 


	11. Mother Knows Best

“Jovi came to see me in my office about a year ago.”

Chandra wasn't sure why her mother was looking forward rather than at her as they sat on the bed together. She thought it best to have her mothers eyes avoid hers. A guilty look on her face was a realistic possibility and Chandra didn't want that to create a distraction.

“He wanted to speak to me about my work. I recognized him immediately and made sure he knew it.”

Through a sneer, Chandra peacefully said, “Probably what someone like that wants to hear”

Her mother found this quite funny. “Not the way I said it. I knew he was a donor so I figured he assumed he could just walk right in without a fuss. I told him to go to hell.”

Chandra made a circle with her thumb and finger even though her mother probably couldn't see it. “Fucking perfect.”

Pia nodded in agreement. “He knew there was little time to convince me, so he just blurted out as quickly as possible that he was trying to give money away. I knew it would be irresponsible to turn him away if he wanted to do something good, but obviously I was apprehensive.”

Everything Pia was saying so far had Chandra feeling bad about doubting her mother. It also had her excited to see where the story was going. “What convinced you?”

“He said he wanted to make sure it wasn't a spectacle and he sounded sincere. When men in his position try to donate quietly, it usually means they genuinely want to do the right thing.”

Chandra learned the hard way that her mother had a phenomenal internal lie detector; she knew if Pia felt honesty coming from Jovi, that he believed whatever he was saying. What would have been up for debate was whether or not his idea of a noble plan was actually not just low-key evil.

“We ended up going through his plans for hours. By the time I finished going over the report he gave me, it seemed like he was trying to give away everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

Chandra scoffed. “That's what they always say. Then when all is said and done, they still have enough money to feed a small country and they somehow make it all back by the end of the year.”

“I figured that too, but when I went over what he had already given away.” Pia paused as if she forgot what they were talking about. “When you think of all the evil bastards of the old Consulate, what comes to mind?”

_This has taken an interesting turn._ “The fact that they killed a bunch of us?”

“I mean physically. What imagery best represented them?”

Despite having an answer right away, Chandra paused to contemplate. She needed to figure if it was what she believed or if she just knew it was the answer her mother was looking for. She decided she had been initially correct. “The Skysovereign.”

“Exactly right.”

The Skysovereign had been a Consulate controlled flying warship. It's presence in the sky cast both a literal and metaphorical darkness as it was far too large for daylight to penetrate through. Fear wasn't the only way it represented oppression though. Atop it sat solid gold temples that the Consulate's elite would hold meetings in. Throughout history, castles have served as symbols of oppression, but Kaladesh's government took it one step further and made one they could bring on tour.

Chandra inquired with the utmost curiosity, “What are you getting at?”

“If you accumulate enough money, it gets to a point where any more is redundant no matter how luxurious you want to live. Once you get there, the only reason to make more is rank. Nothing is more important to these people than their status symbol. It's what sets them apart.”

“Okay....” Chandra wasn't sure how to tell her mother to get to the point without sounding rude, so she just waited.

“When I looked through what he had given away, I saw that he had gifted his house,” she chuckled, “well, the document said house but it was really his castle. I asked him where he was living now – expecting some mansion. He showed me the pictures and it was a mediocre little apartment. He had cast aside the thing that made his family special for centuries, and it started to feel real.”

There wasn't a flaw to find in her mother's position. Chandra was still skeptical, but it did seem out of character for a scumbag aristocrat to live in a dump. “Why not just give it all away now then?”

“That was where I came in. He wanted to get the most value out of what he had and knew that lumping it all together for one charity would not be as effective as a long term plan.” For the first time in the conversation, Pia turned to face Chandra with a sarcastic glare. “Economic redistribution, Chandra. You know, that thing the entirety of my work is based on?”

Chandra used to feel bad about not understanding her mother's work, but as time went on, she found it too difficult to feign interest and came to terms with it. “Yeah, yeah. Fine. You know what you're doing.” Pia shook her head. “So he's really giving away everything?”

“At this rate, by the time we're done, I'm going to have more money than he will.”

Chandra was willing to concede at this point. She still had a hard time believing everything she was hearing, but her skepticism had dropped to a point that she was no longer angry. “Well, I guess you're getting married then.”

“Not quite.”

Chandra recalled the first thing her mother had said. “Oh yeah, you said he had only proposed. What'd you say?”

“I guess he really didn't even propose. He said he wanted to get married, but he never actually asked. He knew what my answer would be and he agreed.”

“Are you trying to be as cryptic as possible? You know I hate that.”

Pia ran her hand through Chandra's hair. “He knew that even if I'd say yes, I wouldn't do it without your blessing; he wants it too.”

Chandra's eyes widened with authority and confusion. “No pressure then?” It had been years since her mother had put any weight on her shoulders. It happened a lot when she was a child but the war was heavy on everyone.

Once their turmoil had ended, Chandra got the impression that her mother had a lifetimes worth of giving her daughter any heavy responsibility. Chandra knew it was overly dramatic to compare this to war, but for the first time in a long time, she could hear echo of the past whispering, 'it's up to you now.'

“This isn't something I want to force on you, but not asking would be even worse. Nothing will ever be more precious to me than you are, and if the life I'm looking for isn't one you would enjoy being a part of, it's not worth doing.”

“Man, where was this logic when we moved off of Kaladesh?”

“You were a dumb kid then; your opinion didn't matter.”

“Trying to butter me up? You won't trick me, mother.”

“I don't need an answer now. He actually wants to meet you before you give us one.”

_If she made me decide right now, I'd probably say yes and she's smart enough to know that. She really does need me to support this._ “Okay, that's fair.”

Pia kissed Chandra on the cheek. “You lovely thing.”

Almost as if her mother knew what she wanted, Pia got up without another word and left the room. This was nothing against her mother, but she had reached far past her social and stress capacities for the day. _I can't believe it's only been twelve fucking hours since I woke up from that dream. This has been the day from hell alright._

With that, Chandra found her phone and watched videos of paint swirling for an unknown period of time. Eventually, she felt herself falling asleep and was too exhausted to bother getting in a comfortable position, changing or even turning off the light.

She awoke the next morning after a dreamless sleep to a dark room with two blankets draped over her.

 


	12. Introductions were in Order

Chandra had been squirming in the cafeteria for hours. She had no classes today but she did have an interview scheduled with Jovi. She wanted to use the time to study, but only needed twenty minutes to realize how futile a goal that was.

Instead, she found herself mentally preparing for this introduction. The one to a man she had seen several times in magazines and newspapers. There was no way she would have been able to pick him out of a crowd, but Chandra felt she had the upper hand since she was somewhat familiar with him.

This confidence didn't last into the evening though. Chandra constantly forgot the fact that people must talk about her while she's not around. It was a nearly unbelievable concept to her, but logically, she couldn't deny that it happens and if anyone would do it, it would be her mother. This realization lead to considering all the things he must know about her.

_What could mother have told him?_ She had to accept the possibility that anything was fair game. Most of it would be unlikely, but she was mentally preparing for the possibility that he could write her autobiography.

_That time I got detained for breaking the window of the school?_ Her mind was going all over the place. _Baby pictures? That time I wet myself in kindergarten?_ The more Chandra thought about it, the weaker she felt. _It seems certain mother told him about what happened to father and that I was there_. This thought was especially disturbing because it represented the possibility that he might pity her and nothing would have been more discouraging.

As 7:45 was closing in on her, she started to feel underdressed. The manager doing the hiring should always at least match the applicant and her tank top and knotted plaid shirt was bound to be outclassed by whatever Jovi was wearing. There was a short reprieve from her stress when she got to laugh at the fact that this was probably the closest thing to a job interview this man had ever had.

Chandra's mouth had once again dried up from anxiety, so she stood to go fill her water bottle for the sixth time of the day, but caught a glimpse of her mother plus one. She tried to rub her tongue against the roof of her mouth to alleviate the problem, but she was stuck with it for now.

When the details of the two were slowly becoming highlighted, Chandra was surprised at how unfamiliar Jovi looked. His face had been present enough five years ago that she was expecting, at the very least, that her brain would pretend she recognized him.

What was clear however is how much she must have hated Bozo Jo as a girl because an unheard of amount of repulsion would have been needed to miss how handsome he was. His timid wave did not match up with his full, tall frame. His blue eyes were probably bright enough to glow in the dark and, when paired with his raven hair, made him look like a movie villain in the best way possible. The kind of bad guy that fourteen year olds spend all their time writing bad fan fiction about.

Forgetting her power move of not giving him a proper greeting, Chandra stood halfway up and reached her hand out. It was unclear if Jovi's hand was so sweaty as a result of nerves or if it was the overpriced suit he was sporting that Chandra couldn't help but notice. Given the hesitation in his voice, she was leaning to the former.

“So nice to finally meet you. I really am sorry to drag you out of the house. Your mom gave me the impression you had classes today” Out of the corner of her eyes, Chandra saw her mother shrug in agreement.

He took his seat and Chandra noted that he looked like someone that had taken a class on sitting at fancy dinner parties – complete with subtle cuff adjusting. _A sheep in wolf's clothing?_ “Don't worry about it. I don't like sitting at home all day anyway.”

Pia shuffled to stand between them, put one hand on each of their shoulders and announced, “I'm off then.”

Both Chandra and Jovi's eyes both screamed out, 'what!?' While they had more tact than to yell it out loud, they lacked enough composure to say anything else. Once her mother was out of earshot, Chandra let out an exaggerated sigh. “I shouldn't be surprised.”

Jovi knowingly nodded in agreement. Like he was discussing the weather, out of his mouth hesitantly came a, “So....Your mom says you are suspicious of me”

_Right to the point. This is good._ Small talk was not Chandra's area of expertise. “That's right.” She spoke with both politeness and firmness to try and simultaneously play good cop and bad cop.

“You do not believe I am trying to give away what I have?”

“I've heard it before, man. You people make promises that end up being hallow gestures. I don't know if it's ego stroking or trying to convince yourself you're a decent person, but it always ends the same way.” This statement was designed as a test. Chandra wanted to see if he'd rebut with some 'not all billionaires' shit.

“You are right and just to clear it up for you, it is both.”

Chandra scanned this response for sarcasm and when she couldn't find any, she determined that he passed.

“Did your mom explain to you that we were trying to optimize my assets?”

“Yes and even if your plan makes sense, there's nothing stopping you from snapping out of this midlife crisis.”

“Once again true.” He paused long enough which highlighted that he hadn't come with a scripted conversation ready like she had. “Chandra, I am committed to my plan; so is your mom, but if it means the difference between getting your blessing or not, I can clear everything out within the week. You can even decide where it goes.”

This was an offer Chandra had prepared to hear, but still found herself taken off guard. What she didn't expect was to believe something so dramatic. Her ability to sniff out a lie was nowhere near as honed as her mother's, but she still had faith in her skills and no alarm bells were going off. There was a hint of guilt tossed in with her shock as she unwillingly found herself surprised that Jovi would go to such an extreme measure to marry her mother.

“Maybe my mother and I are more naive than I thought possible, but I believe you.” She could see a grin rising on Jovi's face and Chandra had no intent of letting him get comfortable yet. “That's not my only concern.”

“Please continue. Tear me to shreds.”

“I'm sure my mother brought it up but you were trying into politics right after we moved here.” That hint of a smile quickly retreated to make room for an expression of profound guilt. “You went after a lot of people that didn't deserve it. You went after me; you went after my mother.”

Jovi made it clear he had planned for this topic as he had an immediate response, though he still seemed uncomfortable. “I wish there was a way to express how sorry I am for everything I said. The most shameful part is that I never believed any of it. Being a villain is one thing, but it is truly atrocious to be a spineless one.”

This answer gave Chandra equal parts admiration and frustration. “Why'd you do it? Why would you feed people garbage you didn't even believe in?”

“People that knew how to win elections told me to say it and I was unwilling to stop and think about it. My entire life up to that point... I never critically analyzed anything. I never had to. No matter what I did, nothing could hurt me and I was okay with that.”

_I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem._ “What changed?”

“Meaning?”

“This awakening. It seems pretty dramatic. What caused it?”

Chandra assumed this would be an easy question to answer, but Jovi pondered on it. His face curled in various directions as he was lost in thought and finally said, “Asking you this will hurt my case, but I wonder if we could discus this another time.”

Among the awkward faces Jovi made, Chandra could spot a distinct one and it was one she had flashed several times. It was the look of someone that didn't want to discuss their past. She wasn't satisfied with his response, but she accepted it. “Of course. This isn't a trial and you don't owe me anything.”

Responding to the first compassionate thing Chandra had said to him, that grin came back with force. “No, but I do want something from you and it is only fair you get something in return. I can answer anything else.”

There were hundreds of other questions blooming out of Chandra's head. Questions about his past, about his relationship with her mother, how much he knew about their past, but she finally came to her conclusion. “It's all moot anyway. Let's face it. We've just been wasting our time.”

Pose like a Billionaire 101 ran out of ammo. Jovi shrunk when he heard this. “I understand. Thank you for at least....”

“Sorry, that's not what I meant. A part of me knew there was no point in this from the start and I can't imagine many things that could have changed this outcome for you. Jovi, I've never met anyone as brilliant and wise as my mother. If she thinks you're good enough for her, I could never think otherwise.”

Now he was beaming. “Wow. That is so amazing to hear.”

Chandra wanted to close off the conversation but she noticed Jovi didn't look her in the eyes when he said that. Instead, he was looking slightly over her. Chandra's eyes drooped and her lips curled. “She's standing right behind me, isn't she?”

Face still lit up, Jovi nodded, “was there almost the entire time.”

This was the cue and Chandra jumped at her mother wrapping herself around Chandra's neck and repeatedly kissed the the top of her head. “That was so beautiful.”

Trying to wriggle away, yelled out, “I can take back my answer!”

The meeting was adjourned and all party members were back on their feet. They head toward the cafeteria's main doors which were right by the parking lot. Pia stopped halfway there, turned around and began in the opposite direction; she called out, “I left something in my office. Just wait here.”

Chandra rolled her eyes and she was sure Jovi did too. He added, “I think she really did forget something.” When Chandra responded with only a chuckle, he dropped to a more solemn tone. “Chandra, I know this is cliche to say, but I am not trying to replace anyone.”

It had been a tossup whether he would bring up her father and she thought he might have waited until after she consented before taking the gamble. “I know....”

“I read up about him....He was truly a hero. It means a lot that you had someone like that.”

This moved Chandra for a number of reasons. She appreciated that he didn't throw a, 'had to look up the competition' joke, and she felt he waited until now not to avoid alienating her, but rather to not make it seem like he was using it as a tool. It didn't even seem like he was saying it now to win any favour. The vibe she was getting was that he said it for no other reason than he felt it needed saying.

“Thanks.” She wanted to add, 'I think it would mean a lot to him that my mother has someone like you,' but she had nowhere near enough courage. Chandra knew saying that out out might bring her to tears and she couldn't have that.

 

 

 

 


	13. Sounds

“Has your mom even dated anyone after your dad?”

 Chandra and Nissa arrived to class ten minutes early, so they had the room to themselves. “Not that she's told me about, but she clearly doesn't tell me everything.”

“Mine does. It's not all it's cracked up to be. How are you doing?”

“Exhausted.” Uneventful days were usually enough to tucker Chandra out unless she never had to speak to anyone. The past two days had been so taxing that she almost bailed on class which was rare for her

“I meant how are you doing with your mom?” There was a sympathetic tone to Nissa's question, which would normally make Chandra self conscious, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

“I don't know. I wish it wasn't happening, I guess.” She let out an exhausted sigh. “That's not fair. I wish she didn't want to do it. I want her to be happy but it would be ideal if she could have that without complicating things.”

“What happens to you now?”

“Nothing?”

“I think most married people move in with each other.”

It hadn't occurred to Chandra that this was what Nissa meant. This was likely due to it not having entered Chandra's thoughts until her mother brought it up. “She's moving into his place, but there's an extra room and they would,” she continued with air quotes, “love it if I came with them.”

“So what then?”

“I can't afford to live by myself, so no matter what I'm stuck with a new person, but if I move out, I could theoretically do it with someone I've known for more than a week.” Nissa's arm shot up. “Whoa whoa, are you moving out?”

The same arm then waved Chandra off. “Of course not, but there's always room at our house.”

“I'm not moving out of my mother's house to move in with yours. Even if I wanted to, it'd break her heart. It's going to be tough enough on her if I move out at all.”

With more sincerity than Chandra was able to believe, Nissa said, “you could move in with Jace and Gideon.” Chandra scanned Nissa's face for sarcasm which she must have picked up on. “Well, they're the only other people you know. What do you want from me?”

Before Chandra could express what a terrible idea that would be, Jace and Gideon walked into class; before they had time to sit, Liliana was there as well. Excluding the creepy online stalking, this had been the first time Chandra had seen her since they met and reminded Chandra that she had gotten herself off to the image of Liliana. This memory was more uncomfortable than enjoyable at this point.

Jace asked, “what's goin' in?” Though the lack of eye contact made it seem like he didn't actually care.

“Chandra's mommy is getting married.” Nissa's response did grab Jace – and everyone else's attention.

“For real?”

Chandra rolled her head back and avoided answering aside from a lazy thumbs up.

“Congratulations,” Liliana said with the more energy than Chandra heard from her two days ago. “....Or not?” Chandra responded to this with a thumbs sideways.

Gideon, as Chandra would expect, sounded like more a reporter than a curious friend. “What do you think of this man?”

“He's nice, I think. It's complicated. I just met him last night and didn't even know she was seeing anyone until two days ago.” Chandra was still looking at the ceiling, so she couldn't gauge anyone's response to this.

“So what's next for you? Will you be living with them?”

Being asked the same question that she didn't know the answer to annoyed her, though only mildly and her feelings could have been expressed with little energy. Opting to be a clown about it instead, she called out in an undeniably sarcastic tone, “hell if I know.” To go along with this, she made a table flipping gesture.

Chandra expected her arms to fling up unabated, but due to her not having looked down, she didn't notice a backpack had been put in arm's reach of her. The swing was forceful and the bag must have been light with how easily it was thrown. When it crashed to the floor, an unmistakable sound could be heard from inside of it. It was the muffled crunch of glass crunching.

She didn't know whose bag it was, but it became quickly apparent when Jace, Gideon and Nissa all only flinched whereas Liliana quickly bent down to pick it up. Without even giving herself time to think, Chandra blurted out loud enough for anyone in the class to hear, “oh please, please, please tell me whatever that was wasn't important.”

Liliana took a few seconds to stand and a quick glimpse of her face was all Chandra needed to see. A scrunched up face with a bit lip. This was a look Chandra would sport if she were stifling tears – something she was prone to do. Once her expression finally adjusted back to normal, she calmly tried to reassure Chandra. “It was just a food container. I already ate lunch so nothing is going to splatter in there. Still, it would probably be best to go get the broken glass out of there.”

As she was walking away, Chandra assumed she was going somewhere to pull herself together as that's what she would do. She called out to Liliana before she could get to far, in a pathetic squeak, “I'm sorry.” When Liliana said or did nothing to reassure her, Chandra was positive she had just done something heinous. _You idiot!_

Once Liliana was out the door, Chandra dropped her head on the desk. “Oh, god. Whatever I just broke was really, really important.” She could hear Jace start to say something behind her, but immediately stopped – probably a result of whatever gesture Chandra could see Nissa doing out of the corner of her eye.

They sat in silence until class began which was ten seconds after Liliana got back, so there was no time for further apologies. Chandra spent the entire two hours not listening to anything but her own thoughts. None overwhelming her more than the fact that, after this, she had to spend another two hours sitting next to Liliana without the other three to provide a distraction.

Today was a lecture class for physics which meant it started an hour earlier. There would be no time for them to do any group work and Chandra and Liliana would have to break from the others and walk straight to class together.

Thanks to being so lost in thought, Chandra hadn't noticed that Liliana had been slowly packing up her things near the end of class. As soon as they were dismissed, she was out of her chair and ready to leave. She gave them all a quick, “see you all later” and left. Chandra said nothing.

_I'll give her a head start. I can give Gideon the chance to chastise me for not having done any work yet._ Much to her relief, he chose not to. He stood up with Jace who asked, “hey, man. Wanna get food?”

“We're leaving.” Gideon grabbed Jace by the hand and led him out. _Thanks, Gideon_. Even if Chandra didn't have a class to get to, she had no interest in socializing.

Nissa picked up on this too. She left Chandra as the last one sitting, squeezing her shoulder as she walked away. “I'll talk to you later.” Chandra, was now alone to solemnly gather her things and make her way to Rashmi's class.

It wasn't a far trip. Her physics class was almost directly above her research methods, albeit four floors higher. She entered the cold, concrete stairwell and through the first window she had seen for the past two hours, she saw that it was raining. _Why not? Why not one more thing?_

As she climbed, it sounded like the rain's intensity was rising with her. _What could have been in her bag? Why would she have something important and fragile at school?_ This wasn't Chandra trying to pass the blame, but as someone that hated it when she lost stuff, it didn't make sense.

She was about halfway up and realized her breathing had gotten laboured – not something that would normally happen to her after slowly crawling up two flights of stairs. _How is that rain still getting louder?_ By the time she got steps away from the third floor, the downpour was all she could think about until her surroundings started to blur.

_Okay. You're okay. Just close your eyes and get to the top of these steps_. Once that flight of stairs was complete, she backed herself against the wall and pulled out her phone for no reason other than to make it seem less unusual to be standing still in the stairwell.

Chandra was too scared to move on, but without the objective of putting one foot in front of the other to focus on, she was stuck in thought; she bounced back and forth between reassuring herself that she was safe and how much Liliana must hate her.

_Now I have to be in class with her. I could not sit next to her, but that would be even weirder. Maybe I'll get lucky and the seat next to her will be taken. Why wouldn't it be? She's hot. Who wouldn't want to sit next to her?_ The comical nature of the false hope gave Chandra a sliver or relief. Enough to allow her to concentrate on the top of the stairs. She was hoping this focus would be enough to get her to the top, but it had the opposite effect.

_I really don't want to be in that class right now_.

_You can't skip just because you're in a bad mood._

_It's just one class. Missing it wouldn't be the end of the world, right?_

_Just go, you coward._

For a moment, the booming rain was joined by another daunting noise – a deep rumbling sound that was too steady and deep to be thunder. Chandra's breathing intensified further and without instruction by her conscious mind to do so, she muttered, “no no no. You're okay. You're okay.” She finally decided that she didn't have it in her to climb any higher.

Instead, she entered the third floor hallway and found a place to sit in semi-isolation. She got herself on the ground with her legs crossed, once again pretending to look at her phone. Chandra put all her energy into attempting a steady breathing exercise. She kept that up until her anxiety diminished enough that she felt comfortable standing again.

Not wanting to walk down sets of steep stairs, she found the elevator. This was a last ditch effort for her as she thought anyone seeing her take the elevator down would deem her lazy.

The elevator door to the first floor opened to the building's vast foyer. To avoid being overwhelmed by the massive open space, Chandra looked directly at the ground until she could find the exit

By the time she got to the final door that would take her outside, the panic had almost subsided completely. As a bonus, it seemed the severity of the rain she heard had already dropped back down to a modest stream.

Due to this change in weather, Chandra opted to walk home. It would take over an hour, but she found it more conducive to avoiding another panic attack than waiting at a crowded bus stop to get on an even more crowded bus. Not having to endure the warm, wet dog smell was an added bonus.

The trip was uneventful and she managed to keep her anxiety down to a four, at worst. Though the rain was light, by the time she got home, she had been in it long enough to get soaked through her sweater. Chandra got dressed down to her underwear and, still slightly damp, crawled in to bed and looked at her phone in desperation.

She had kept it in her pocket on the way home to stop it from getting wet. There was a shred of hope that Liliana had been inspired enough by Chandra's absence to send her a message. Chandra wasn't picky. A 'don't worry about it,' or even a 'fuck you' would help. Not knowing how upset Liliana was dug at her more than knowing she was pissed off would. Alas, nothing on her phone. _I could message her, I guess, but that would probably just make it worse._

Chandra wasn't staring at her phone for long. Panic attacks always made her uncontrollably sleepy once they had passed and, within minutes, the warmth of the bed overcame her completely and she was fast asleep.

A couple uninterrupted hours of rest later, Chandra was startled awake by her mother calling her name from the entrance. Perfectly content to continue sleeping, Chandra ignored it. _She can come get me if she wants_.

That's exactly what Pia did. It had gotten dark by now, so the opening of her bedroom door cast a bright light from the hallway that made Chandra raise her blankets as a shield. Her mother whispered from the doorway, “are you okay, dear?”

“Yeah. Just tired.”

“Why weren't you in class today.”

_Of course. What did I expect? I should have known Rashmi and mother would talk at some point._ Like the cunning genius that she was, Chandra immediately came up with an airtight excuse. “I didn't feel well.”

Unlike when Chandra was a teenager, her school attendance in university had been impeccable. Thankfully this meant her mother had faith that if she didn't go to class, it was for a good reason and she seemed to accept this answer without doubt. “I thought you might have been doing group work. Rashmi told me Liliana wasn't there either.”

Chandra felt relieved in an entirely selfish manor. While this did mean Liliana had been frazzled enough by Chandra's accident that she refused to go to class, it also meant she'd have no idea Chandra hadn't gone. The awkwardness of Liliana assuming she was avoiding her seemed like it would make this more stressful for Chandra.

“Well, just let me know if you want dinner.”

As her mother turned to leave the room, Chandra considered a question she could ask. 'Mother, if I had a really bad panic attack, would you want to know?' She knew that her mother would desperately want to know, but she couldn't bring herself to broach the subject. While it was the worst one she had suffered in years, she decided it still wasn't worth the trouble of bringing it up.

Like a cue, as soon as Chandra heard the click of her door closing, her phone vibrated. After getting her eyes to readjust, she saw it was a message from Liliana.

 

**There is no need to worry about today.  
I was just mad at myself. It was my fault.**

 

_Obviously an insane statement, but I get where she's coming from_. If the positions were reversed, Chandra would be angrier at herself than anything else, but she hated the idea of Liliana accepting any of the guilt for this.

 

**It's not your fault at all! This is all on me  
If it's something I can replace, let me know**

 

Through the magic of texting, this felt like the closest thing to a conversation between the two since they met. After the stress of the day was lifting slightly, Chandra was able to appropriately bask in this moment. It was a warming idea to talking to someone so beautiful and, evidently, so sweet.

 

**You really have no need to worry.  
If you would like to make it up to me,  
could you send me the notes from our class today?**

 

_Ah shit._

 

**Yeah!  
I'll type them up and send them to you tomorrow :)**

 

_I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow._


	14. Present and Past

Chandra gave a feeble knock on the door to A314-C. When it was clear no one on the other side heard it, she tried a little harder to no avail. _I woke up at 7:30 on a day off and she's not even here?_ She had quadruple checked the office hours Rashmi provided in hopes she read it wrong the first three times. Chandra was confident Rashmi should be there.

Defeated, Chandra's head drooped on to the door and it was refreshingly cool against her warm, unshowered face. _I'll just lean here until someone forces me to move_. She actually started dosing off, but not for long as someone did in fact force her to move.

“Chandra, what are you doing?”

She snapped to and her baggy eyes were now facing Rashmi who looked fresh and composed that Chandra felt herself feeling self conscious at what a mess she was. “You know, just sleeping on your door. Don't mind me.”

“So sorry, dear.” Rashmi raised her thermos. “The line was particularly bad today and I never imagined anyone would ever come right at 8:30.”

Rashmi's inflection and energy matched her look – a large, layered blue dress covered in golden Kaladesh line art. “I hope I'm not messing your morning up.” She found herself getting gently pushed out of the way so Rashmi could unlock the door.

“Not at all! I'm so excited you're here.” Once they were together in the room, she gestured toward a chair for Chandra to sit in. As Rashmi found her bearings, Chandra noticed most of the stuff in the office was Dr. Ballard's decor. By this point, Rashmi had enough time to give her borrowed office some flair, which meant she wouldn't be in here long.

“About class yesterday....”

“Yes, yes. Your mother told me you were probably working on your project when I told her Liliana wasn't in class either.”

Chandra had, until now, forgotten that Rashmi had been intrigued by Liliana's name appearing on her attendance sheet. There wasn't any time to dwell on that which meant she would probably forget again. “Yeah, we completely lost track of time.” She felt the potential fallout of a lie was better than explaining the truth. “And we weren't sure how much you would care for two people walking in twenty minutes late.”

“Not great, but maybe I could make an exception for you.” Rashmi seemed to be beaming at the idea of doing that favour, though Chandra understood that was the joy of helping any Nalaar. In addition to being friends with her family for decades, Pia had helped rescue Rashmi from capture during the war. Rashmi had the idea that she owed a debt, though Pia found this ridiculous since, “we may have lost the war without Rashmi's inventions.”

Chandra let out a faint chuckle before getting to the point. “I was just wondering if there were any handouts from yesterday's lecture.” _God, please say yes._ When Rashmi explained that she hadn't brought them with her, the drowsy Chandra died a little inside. _What the hell am I supposed to send Liliana now?_

“I can print them off though, if you'll bare with the computer.”

“Yes, please. That would be so great.” Chandra heard the energy she said this with and wasn't entirely sure where it came from.

“Catch me up while this thing starts up.” Rashmi turned away from her screen to face Chandra. “How have you been?”

“Pretty good.” After Chandra put this lie out there, she realized there was an opportunity sitting in front of her. “Well....Things are kinda' weird, I guess. You heard about my mother?”

“My goodness, who could have imagined? Such an odd pairing.”

Chandra was thrilled to have someone that understood her perspective. “Thank you! I get that he seems nice, but it's still so weird.” She was now fully perked up. “Come on, man. He lived in a castle.”

“Lived,” Rashmi emphasized, though her concerned face suggested that she didn't seem to believe her own point. “Regardless, I trust your mother's judgment. I think she's earned a leap of faith from us, no matter how unusual the circumstance.”

“I guess.” _Well, that was a bust_.

“He certainly believes in your mother. I'm surprised anyone that rich was willing to marry anyone after eight months of dating without there being extra paperwork. I guess that's a point....”

“Eight months?” Chandra called out without thinking. “She told me it had been four.”

Despite the fact that Rashmi's computer had started up minutes ago, she chose this time to turn her chair away from Chandra to look at the screen. “I guess eight months is how long they've known each other. Don't go telling her I wasn't paying attention.”

This time, Chandra kept her mouth shut and pondered. _That couldn't be true. Mother told me they've known each other for a year. If it had been ten months, I could see her rounding up, but anymore than that wouldn't make sense. If Rashmi had heard eight, it has to have been about how long they've been together, right? I guess Rashmi might have misheard. That would make the most sense._

That was where the train of thought that had any optimism in it ended. It didn't take long for her to switch tracks that went down a dark, cold tunnel. _But four months seemed crazy even for people taking this as casually as they are. Eight months makes a lot more sense. What if mother thought the only way I'd get over her keeping this from me was lying?_

The purpose of Chandra being at school had now become an afterthought. _I guess she only told me at all because she had to._ Chandra hated that her thought process had gone down this way but here it was. S _he lied to me._

“Chandra!”

The way Rashmi said Chandra's name was a familiar tone – one that meant she hadn't been paying attention. “Oh, sorry.” Rashmi was handing her a small stack of papers which she nervously snatched.

“Still stuck in your own head, are you?”

“It is kind of my thing. I'm trying to own it now.”

“Lost in thought and complaining about the rich. I'm tempted to say you haven't changed since you were a little girl, but here you are so committed to your grades that you got up at dawn.” Chandra had no interest in explaining she would still be in bed were it not for the weird little web of lies she was trying to spin. “Maybe there is a mature woman's mind behind that beautiful face of yours.”

_Uhoh. Positive reinforcement from an authority figure I was attracted to and idolized as a kid._ Chandra's sole mission in life was now to get out of Rashmi's office without vomiting and/or crying. She was quickly out of her seat and somehow managed to say while running her hand through her hair and laughing nervously, “at least I still look a little bit like a twelve year old.” _Oh god, Chandra_. With that, she tried to take her leave. “Thanks for these. Gotta' go.”

To Chandra's dismay, she was stopped. “Chandra, about this man you're mother is marrying. Did you do some neurotic sleuthing when you found out she was with him?”

Chandra couldn't believe she was having to say any more and her shame distracted her from considering what an odd question this was. “I know he's done some questionable stuff in the past. Spending hours reading through it is just going to make me angry. I'm trying to be okay with all of this, so I figured it would be better to just leave it.”

Rashmi looked solemn - like she was gearing up to say something important but seemed to shake it off and just said with an unconvincing nod, “probably for the best. I'm sure there's nothing about him that you would care to know about.” Her face turned into a warm smile. “Run along, dear. Don't forget, I'm here for you if you need anything.”

A smile and a nod were the best options available to Chandra that would prevent her saying something else that would make her want to jump out a window. She took her leave and walked down the hall with her thoughts bouncing all over the place. She had to contend with the fact her mother had lied to her, Rashmi's cryptic words about Jovi and the embarrassing remark she had made.

_Look like a twelve year old? Come on! If you're going to accidentally flirt with your mother's friend, you could at least not be THAT bad at it._

Chandra did her best to shake this embarrassing catastrophe, but all that did was force her to fixate on Rashmi's unwitting instalment of paranoia. _What if she meant to do it? She could be trying to warn me about something mother isn't telling me._ As she was considering this possibility, she was now two minutes away from her mother's office and, considering the time, Pia was probably there.

Without intent or warning, Chandra found herself distracted by something entirely new – a memory she hadn't looked back on in a long time.

She sat on her bed, fuming at the scolding her mother had just given her. Earlier that day, Chandra had taken exception to the way her 2nd grade teacher was treating her classmate – Ray (or something), who had recently immigrated though, by now, Chandra had forgotten where from. She felt the teacher was being too harsh on him for accidentally spilling his pencil case.

Her hand was raised and when she decided she had waited too long, Chandra yelled out, “All he did was drop some stuff.” When her teacher harshly asked her, “excuse me?” Chandra paraphrased, “you're being a bully. That's why no one likes you.”

When her mother brought her home, she lectured Chandra for what felt like an eternity. After several failed attempts by Chandra to explain her side of the story, she had the brilliant idea of telling her mother that she was, “just as dumb and loudmouthed as my stupid teacher.” She had been sent to her room and when Pia left to return to work, her father came in to play good cop.

“What has gotten in to you today?” He asked as he sat next to her on her tiny bed.

“Ms. Kaar was being mean and unfair to Ray. I was just trying to help. Why doesn't mother get that?”

“She gets it. We both do.” Kiran always had a sweet voice no matter how much trouble Chandra was in. “We love that you stand up for people, but there's a right and a wrong way to do it. Yelling, name calling and hitting should only ever be used as a last resort, no matter what.”

Chandra's silence and staring at the floor was her way of showing that she agreed. Once her father picked up on this, he moved on. “Now, don't you feel bad about being mean to mother?”

She mumbled, “a little, I guess.”

“What would you like to do to make it up to her?”

She thought for what felt like an eternity and was likely less than a minute before mumbling out her eureka moment. “What if I picked her some flowers?”

Her father responded boyishly, “that sounds nice, but I think mother said you had to stay in your room.”

“What if you held my hand the whole time? I'd be like your prisoner.”

He failed at trying to hide how amusing he found the suggestions. “Maybe that would be okay.”

As the two patrolled the neighbourhood to build a bouquet (comprised mostly of weeds), Chandra asked, “why does mother have to be so bossy all the time? Why can't she be fun like you?”

“Mother isn't allowed to be fun all the time.” Kiran got on one knee to be eye level with his daughter. “I'm a goofball.” He made a ridiculous face which made Chandra laugh. “I don't have to be serious as often because that's my role in life. Your mother, on the other hand, is a hero and heroes don't always get to do what's fun.”

Chandra was mesmerized by her father's praise. She was still young enough that her understanding of what it meant to be a hero was shaped by stories. They rode on steeds and made themselves known to the world. This was before she knew that a hero could be someone that blends in with a crown to smuggle weapons under their dress. “Mother's a hero?”

Kiran rested his forehead against his daughters.“That's right. The most amazing one you'll ever know. It might not always seem like it, but if your mother is doing something, that means it's the right thing to do.”

 


	15. An Indecent Reveal

_In hindsight, Liliana probably wouldn't have cared that I hadn't gone to class._ For years, Chandra had been in a neurotic battle with herself. 95% of the time, she assumed everyone perceived her the way a baby would - once she was out of sight, she ceased to exist. When she found out that people talked about her while she wasn't around, she had a hard time comprehending it.

On rare occasion, narcissism managed to take hold and she had it in her head that people were obsessed with her. These suspicions were never anything along the lines, 'I bet everyone loves me a whole bunch.' When Chandra broke Liliana's treasure, it created a fantasy that placed her at the centre of Liliana's world. Chandra's lie about going to class was intended to ease that tension.

Now, as Chandra was paraphrasing the handout to pass them off as her own notes, her mind returned to its normal state. _She either hates you or doesn't give a shit about you_. _This was such a waste of time._

She had almost finished when she heard her phone go off. Nissa never spoke to anyone unprompted, Gideon preferred to call (something she hated), it was before Noon so Jace was still asleep and she didn't know anyone else. _Damn, she's impatient._ Chandra put off checking it because she had nothing to respond with other than, 'not yet.'

When the notes were finally to the point of Chandra's liking so she decided to get up and grab the message that was now half an hour old. To her surprise, it was her mother who rarely opted to text.

 

**Hi, Chandra dear.  
Can you please call me when you get this?**

 

_That's a mother text alright. I hope this wasn't important._ Chandra tried uselessly to remember her mother's current class schedule with the hope that she wouldn't have to call her back right away. _If this was urgent, she would call me, but I guess I have to_. She hit the small, green phone button and it rang until she got a voice mail. Chandra, as she was prone to, didn't leave one.

_If she were in class, the phone would be off._ An ounce of concern was settling in. It wasn't like Pia to not answer her phone, so she tried calling a second time and was just as unsuccessful. In case her mother was in some strange hostage situation in which she was gagged but not bound, Chandra texted back.

 

**I'm home. Everything ok?**

 

Chandra sat tensed up and doing nothing for another five minutes before she heard another buzz.

 

**I'm just walking up the driveway now.**

 

_Why would she...._ Chandra didn't even have time to finish her thought before the door creaked open. When she went out to great her mother, she was surprised to find herself in a firm hug that she passively reciprocated. They tended not to hug before one would go off to bed as any more than that was redundant for two people that lived together. _What the hell is going on?_

Pia was tense, but smiling which meant she was happy but didn't want to come on too strong. This was usually a sign that she was going to tell Chandra something that she would be indifferent about or upset her. “I spoke with Jovi today. We're going to go to city hall in two weeks. I know this is sooner than you...”

Chandra cut her off and held her hand up to her brow with eyes closed for dramatic effect. “City hall? You mean you're not even having a wedding?”

Pia was in disbelief of the suggestion as if it were a crazy one. “God, no. Who has the time?”

“Him? Does he even have a job to go to?” _That sounded meaner than I meant it to be._

“He has work to do.” This sounded to Chandra like the way someone would describe an unemployed writer. “We just....We don't want it to be a spectacle.”

In sarcastic anger, Chandra mumbled, “Whatever. Do what you want, I guess.” While she wasn't mad, she was disappointed. Jovi seemed like the kind of man that would let her mother handle a wedding (out of love rather than indifference). Kaladesh weddings were marvelous spectacles with massive guest lists. While Chandra was imagining everyone she would get to see, an important question occurred to her. “Can I come?”

“Yes!” Pia cheered like she saw a clutch pitch. “Of course you can.”

_I guess that's a fair reaction_ “Well, given your approach to this so far, I guess you two will show up in sweatpants, but I'm going to look nice and you can't stop me.”

Chandra's mother kissed her forehead. “You'll be the most beautiful one there so why should I even try?” Chandra could feel her one puffed out cheek and rolled eyes that accompanied her with all embarrassment regarding compliments. Pia continued on, “I am going out for dinner with him tonight. Would you like to come?”

With vigour, Chandra waved the invitation off. “I don't know if you actually want me there or you're just trying to include me. Either way, I have to be honest, I am exhausted.”

“That's a fine excuse either way. There's no need to come to a dinner you'd be miserable at. Why don't you go lay down?”

Chandra couldn't quite take that advice yet. She hadn't finished getting the notes to Liliana, but once that was finished, a nap sounded great. As she preparing them to email them, Chandra felt a sudden feeling of confused awe and it really hit her. _My mother is getting married_.

Anyone, including her mother, would understand any kind of emotion that could come from this. No matter the details, this was life changing for Chandra and could be forgiven for any excitement or anxiety. All she felt was disappointment – not about the marriage, but about how apathetic she found herself.

She was undeniably happy for her mother and couldn't think of anyone more deserving of all the spoils life had to offer. Aside from that, Chandra felt nothing. She was going to be moving soon with someone she barely knew, still didn't fully trust and would serve as a constant reminder that her father was dead.

_I kinda' liked it more when I was pissed._ Chandra had long since gotten used to her volatile emotions, so when she felt too calm or indifferent, it made her feel uneasy and vulnerable. She hated this sensation and it was times like this that made her wish she was a drinker.

The email to Liliana had been finished and sent. _Maybe she'll respond with, 'now that I have these, I'm free to call you a piece of shit for breaking my stuff.' That'd get the heart pumping._ She remembered she had planned to go to bed, but she knew this feeling she titled, 'bleh,' couldn't be slept off. Her brain needed stimulation and she thought of the perfect way to get it. _Don't do it, Chandra,_ she repeated to herself while her leg violently bobbed up and down.

_You know what, just let this happen and hate yourself later._ She rolled her mouse up to the search bar and began typing Jovi's name. This was not a sign of mistrust that she feared Rashmi had instilled in her. She was just desperate for something to envelop her, though she quickly realized the futility of her plan. _What the fuck is his last name? Man, I really don't know anything about this guy._

Asking her mother was out of the question since it would seem weird – even more so if Pia had already told her and she had forgotten. Chandra tried the best option remaining to her. _Jovi Bozo Jo_. It turns out the nickname was more colloquial than she remembered as that yielded nothing. _Jovi Dominaria billionaire maybe?_

It seemed billionaire was the secret word. Her attention was immediately drawn to the pictures of him that sat above a description. They all looked younger and more flamboyant than he currently was; Chandra felt that his current quiet dignity suited him better though he still looked great from every age and angle.

His looks didn't captivate her for long. Chandra noticed something that filled her with dread and paranoia that she was doing her best to quell. _There's no way..._. She opened the link to his encyclopedia page and scrolled quickly through it.

Her brain was picking up select words on the way down, including 'Kaladesh,' which should have been enough to stop Chandra in her tracks, but she was on a mission to investigate something else. _I'll get to that later._ About two thirds of the way through, she found what she was looking for and her fear was justified.

Normally this could call for silent awe, but Chandra decided there was no time for that. She slammed her laptop shut without concern for the most expensive thing she owned. Stomping out of her room, she bellowed, “mother!” It was rare for her to shout at her mother with such anger, but she rarely had a reason to even consider it.

Chandra found her way in to her mother's office and before Pia could get a word out, she continued her raving, “how did you know I wouldn't look up Jovi!?”

Her mother looked like a woman caught, though not in any way that suggested fear. Pia's face had a smug, 'took you long enough,' look to it. “Honestly, I thought it would have been the first thing you did after I told you about him. Since you didn't freak out ten minutes later, I figured you trusted my tastes enough to not bother. Something's changed?”

There was still no doubt in Chandra's mind that her probing was just an inevitable result of her curious nature. “This isn't an issue of trust! He's marrying my mother. I was so fucking dumb not to look him up sooner.”

“That's fair. I....”

“Did I say I was finished?”

Pia responded to this uncharacteristic attitude with an even more uncharacteristic glare. “Chandra, you need to calm down.”

Her mother's piercing tone would normally take Chandra aback, but right now, she didn't care. “I don't need to do anything until you explain why you keep hiding things from me. If you were just dating a guy for a couple months, that's not so bad. You don't have to tell me every little thing about your life, but you become this close with someone for over half a year.”

Pia looked confused and Chandra realized that Rashmi may have been completely off about the finer details of her mother's relationship. It didn't matter. The train had come this far and she had no intention of slowing it down. “You slap me with this news and just as I'm able to come to terms with the fact that you couldn't give enough shits about me to tell me until the last minute, I find out you're hiding something else.”

“I was obviously going to tell you about this.” Chandra had her mother of the defensive. A more composed Pia would have focused on Chandra's questioning of her mother's love, but she seemed to be on damage control over the current situation.

“When!? You're getting married in two weeks, mother. Was I just going to find out after the fact?”

Pia was doing an admirable job keeping her tone calm and refusing to match Chandra's hostility. “I really wasn't expecting us to be doing this so soon.”

“That's the second time you've used that excuse, right? Why the hell wouldn't you just tell me everything right away? Do you even have a reason?”

“Okay, I should have told you about Jovi sooner, but that couldn't be undone. When I threw that in your lap, I wanted to give you some time to process it before dumping anything else on you.”

Chandra stuttered out a, “what?” could feel her face contorting as she resisted the urge to yell out nothing but random noise. She knew it must look like someone in the process of losing their sanity, but that wasn't too far off how she felt. “What the hell would I need time to process? You know the reason I'm mad is that you seem content with fucking with me, right?”

Pia was nodding reluctantly. “That's not what I'm doing, but yes I understand the issue.”

“You're getting married. Yeah, it's a little weird and yeah, I'm not completely sold on the man, but come on, mother. You think I'm going to spiral out of control over this? Do you think I'm that pathetic?”

“I don't think you're pathetic.”

“What are you so worried about then? I don't know if you remember, but I've put up with a few things a little more stressful than this. I watched people die when I was a little girl and you respected my strength then.”

For the first time in the argument, Chandra brought her voice down. “Did you even? Was it just father that believed in me and you just kept it up out of guilt after he died?”

Even when Chandra was a kid with a wicked temper, she never spoke to her mother with such animosity and it was apparent by her silence that Pia was feeling it. “He was always so supportive; he always had faith in me. You were just constantly asking, 'what is my irrational, unstable daughter going to fuck up today? What is she going to cry or freak out about this time?' Obviously you still think I'm just some mess you need to clean up.”

“Chandra, that's not at all true.”

Chandra let out some angry chuckles. “Don't worry, mother. You can stop worrying about me. You can stop having to deal with me altogether. You can go on and have your nice, happy life.”

Pia looked noticeably worried. “What are you saying?”

Backing out of the room, Chandra growled, “I'm saying you can stop pretending you want me around.” She gave no opportunity for a retort and found herself at her front door. She wasn't sure where she was going and she definitely didn't care. Once she was outside, all she could focus on was powering forward and trying to beat an overwhelming thought out of her head.

_In two weeks, you get to live with the fact that you have a crush on your sister._

 


	16. Family Dinner

Climbing trees was a childhood favourite for Chandra. It combined her love of exploration and her yearning for physical exertion. The best part was that if she was desperate for attention, she could climb high enough and pretend she was too scared to get down. It didn't take long for her to figure out that a cat claiming to be stuck up a tree was just a clever beast with Munchhausen's.

She wasn't sure how long she had been laying in this branch six metres off the ground, but it had gotten dark since she left home. With no direction when she had stormed out, Chandra stopped at the first park she passed. The sun had still been high when she found this tree so it was clear she had been here for hours.

It had been a relaxing experience. It was warm out, small animals had been skittering all over the place and she even got to spy on a few dog walks. The branch was wide and she eventually accepted that as an invitation to doze off which was why she was so startled when she heard someone speak.

“Chandra?”

There she was. The last person Chandra expected or really wanted to see. “What the hell are you doing out here?” Liliana stood below her, pulling the hood of her baggy sweater down. Her matching grey track pants made it seem as if she were out jogging.

Liliana seemed to shamelessly ignore Chandra's question. “Why are you sitting in a tree?”

“I'm stuck.” Chandra wasn't high enough to warrant them having to yell to talk, but they were loud enough that anyone close by could make out what was going on.

To Chandra's surprise, Liliana seemed ready for action. “I can help you get down.”

She charged at the tree with purpose and as tempted as Chandra was to see how well she could manage herself, it seemed best to avoid any injuries. “Kidding!” Liliana froze though she still seemed to be assessing the tree. “I'm fine. I just like it up here.”

“Oh....” It seemed Liliana was disappointed that she couldn't save the day. “Would you mind coming down? This is somewhat jarring and frankly, somewhat unsafe.”

_I guess I can't just tell her to leave_. With acrobatics so flawless that she even impressed herself, Chandra made her way down the tree with the grace of a monkey. Now that she was level with Liliana, it was clear her future step sister wasn't out for a run. From one of Liliana's hands hung a large tote bag. Chandra couldn't tell what was in it, but she could see the bottom of the bag and Liliana's arm sagging. Whatever she was carrying was too heavy to be running with.

“Seriously,” Chandra said curtly, “what are you doing out here? You can't just walk around alone at night in a park.”

“But you can?”

“Bears will chase you up a tree. Unlike bears, rapists and muggers are weak and cowardly.” Once Chandra said this, she realized her lecturing Liliana was hypocritical unless she was planning on staying in that tree until the sun came up. “Anyway, whataboutism doesn't work with me. Just because I'm stupid enough to do something, doesn't mean other people should do it.”

“The middle of the park at night was not where I wanted to be, but I had no choice. I had looked everywhere else.”

“You're out here looking for me?”

“Yes and I presumed you would not be foolish enough to be here when the sun was going down, yet here we are.” There was a lot Chandra wanted to say, but she had neither the will nor the coherent words, so after some silence, Liliana continued. “I am sorry, Chandra. I wanted to tell you.”

Chandra was reminded of something. “This is why you were so shocked when you found out who my mother was. You've known this whole time.”

“Yes, I have.” Liliana sounded exhausted letting those words out. There was no doubt that Liliana didn't like the situation. “I apologize for speaking ill of your mom, but I found the plan unreasonable.” _That's a lot less harsh than how I worded it._ “It just felt wrong to go against her wishes.”

As frustrated as Chandra was, she was sympathetic of the awkward spot Liliana had been put in. “You did nothing wrong.” She had to turn away as she said this in case any hint of resentment were in her eyes.

“I wish I agreed. Even if my choices were justifiable, I still hurt you.”

"How long have you known?”

“My dad told me about their relationship two months ago.” Chandra mouthed, 'motherfucker' at this fact. “He told me Pia had a daughter three weeks ago, though I was given little information about you.”

_What's it like having your emotional intelligence respected by someone that loves you? Are you sure your father isn't an asshole? Any chance have some weird incestuous feelings too?_ Any questions about their situation that Chandra could conjure weren't productive, so she stayed in the moment. “Why are you out looking for me? There's no way my mother asked you to do this.”

“I was at home when your mom called my dad. He wanted to go. Well, actually, he wanted to call the police, but your mom talked him out of it. He was insistent that you should be found. I convinced him that I would be just as good at finding you as he would and he had business to attend to so I went in his place.”

These circumstances made Chandra uneasy. Her standard worldview of no one thinking about her did not match up with the idea of Jovi trying to send out a police force to find her, especially since she wasn't in danger. She couldn't remember a time someone reacted so severely to one of her antics. “Thanks, I guess?”

“It was the least I could do. Now, would you mind if we got out of this park? It really is dangerous.” While this was true, Liliana had no fear in her voice. It was as if she were in class and a fire alarm went off. The potential danger was there, but she wasn't phased by it.

“I guess you're right. Lead the way.” Chandra didn't care where they went as long as this wasn't some setup to drag her home. When they began walking in the opposite direction, she was satisfied with whatever the plan was.

“There is a place to eat ten minutes this way. Would you be interested?”

_Wasn't really prepared for a dragged out conversation with anyone tonight, but whatever._ “I could eat, I guess.” Chandra was in fact, desperate for some food. She knew she would have to temper herself when they ordered to not appear starving or gross.

The conversation that Chandra was mentally preparing for wasn't happening. They walked in silence and she prayed Liliana was just saving up conversation topics for when they reached their destination.

Once they found themselves out of the park, they were across the street from, 'The Five Dragons: Authentic Tarkir Meals.' There was nothing impressive about the restaurants exterior which meant, in Chandra's experience, that the food would be at least decent.

The inside was equally uninspiring. It was a generic place with old fixtures and was dimly lit. This could have been mood lighting or a mask for grime. Even if it was a little dirty, it wasn't going to hurt them and it was divided into booths which meant, between that and the empty seats, any awkward conversations they were bound to have would be private.

They were told to sit anywhere; thankfully Liliana headed toward the back where it was empty. As they approached their table, Chandra was able to get a glimpse into the heavy bag hanging tight on Liliana's wrist. She could see it was full of books, though she couldn't make out any details.

As they scooted into their seats, Chandra took note of her literal greasy spoon and something occurred to her. Jovi either was or still is a billionaire which meant Liliana was too. _She does have a weirdly formal way of speaking like she were at a debutant ball in a movie._ Dominaria was a central hub for tourism and immigration; Chandra was so used to hearing various accents that she'd never consider a unique voice to be a result of upbringing.

_Other than that, she seems so normal,_ _so common._ Chandra chuckled to herself at her rich person lingo. She scanned Liliana up and down (not for her usual motives). _Everything she's wearing wouldn't cost more than my coat, which isn't saying much; doesn't bring a laptop to school, she's seemingly modest. She doesn't fit the aristocrat archetype at all._

Chandra was so fixated on the woman in front of her that she hadn't noticed the menu being placed under her nose, or the waitress pouring them tea. By the time she snapped out of it, the waitress was gone and Liliana was staring at Chandra while ignoring the menu.

Chandra inquired nervously, “are you not eating?” She wasn't sure what idea appalled her more: neither of them ordering anything or eating while Liliana kept an unwavering gaze.

“I already know what I want.”

“Oh, so you've been here before?”

“No, but if this place does not have Jeskai Ancient Carp, then I would have to question their claim of authenticity.”

“Is that a hint of snobbishness I hear?”

“I spent some time travelling through Tarkir.” _Now there's a rich person thing to say_. “Excluding towershell turtles, ancient carp was the most extraordinary thing we could find, but I doubt this place has slices of towershells on hand.” Chandra scanned this comment for any sort of passive aggression, but found none.

“Is there really a plane where turtles aren't endangered?” Chandra tried to avoid sounding suspicious.

“There is no endangered species list anywhere on Tarkir. They have no need for one. To become a Khan you must promise to cherish life and never take anymore of it than you need.” _Just gonna pretend I know what a Khan is._ “That aside, a towershell is about three times the size of this building. You can take a big enough piece off to feed a banquet and it would heal over.” The bland delivery of this fact confused Chandra.

_Anyone else telling me about cutting off pieces of a turtle the size of an entire city block would consider it an epic story. It's so business as usual. How many adventures on other worlds has she had?_ “Doesn't it hurt the turtle?”

In a swift movement, Liliana reached across the table and caressed Chandra's wrist with her nail. “It wouldn't hurt anymore than that.”

There was no sense in Chandra denying the tingle from that touch was for a more profound reason than her being slightly ticklish. _Just don't say a fuckin' word. Nod and smile_

After a brief pause, Liliana yelled to herself,“Good lord. I need to call my dad and tell him I found you.” Chandra felt embarrassment over the fact that Jovi seemed this interested in her well being. _This should give us a nice pause in the conversation though._ “Hey, dad.” Her smile became more jubilant. “Yes, I found her....Yes, safe and sound. You should call Pia and let her know....Of course I will....I will take care of everything here....Okay, bye.”

Of all the things on this side of the conversation, one thing stood out past the rest of it. “You will what.”

Liliana rolled her eyes. “Walk you home. I know you can handle yourself, but it would make both me and my dad feel better. Do you mind indulging us?”

Part of Chandra wanted to protest. Not the idea of being escorted home, she just wasn't ready to go back. She wasn't going to say anything right now and spoil the feeling of warmth coming from Liliana with personal drama. Rather than risk slipping into her argumentative self, Chandra moved past it.

This meant avoiding answering the question itself or bringing attention to the fact that this meant Liliana would be getting home alone. “So, you said you came from home, right? What's with the 15kg of books you're carrying around?”

“Oh...” Liliana's eyes got nervous and her lips were now pursed. “I brought them for something, but why spoil the mood?”

Chandra still felt the phantom touch of Liliana's nail. _Unless they're all photo albums of you kicking puppies, I don't think anything could ruin this._ Before Chandra could reassure her, they were interrupted by the waitress. “Have you decided?”

“Ancient carp, please.”

“Okay, and you?” Chandra hadn't even considered the menu yet, but rather than doing the sensible thing and asking for a few more minutes, she panicked and just asked for the same.

When the waitress left, Chandra pressed the issue. “It's been a long day. Just humour me?” Without a word, Liliana gracefully slid the heavy bag on the table. Like a game of chance she thought she solved, Chandra reached in for the heaviest book and yanked it out from the bottom. _Introduction to the Kaladesh Civil War_. This time, she went for the smallest one. _The Consulate Collapse: Internal Issues._

One by one, Chandra emptied the bag and found eleven books in total and they were all about the war she was in. _Is this what she used to research us? Does she not know how the internet works?_ “Why do you have all these?”

Liliana was still managing to make eye contact though it was clear from the minute movements those eyes made that some discomfort had set in. “I thought they might help me make a point.”

“About your interest in the war?”

“No....That I care about you, and your mom, of course.”

Chandra didn't understand this. They barely knew each other. She could have understood an answer like, 'I want to learn more about you,' or, 'I figure this would make it look like I have an interest in your life.' _Mother I kinda' see, but why does she care about me?_ “A card probably would have been good enough. Did you actually read all of these?”

“Yes, of course. Some of them twice, actually.”

_This would have taken days._ “I appreciate whatever you're trying to do, but I don't get it.”

“I needed to understand what you went through.” This seemed to embarrass her more than anything as she corrected herself, “as much as I could through reading, obviously. My dad said you are having a hard time trusting us and I wanted to know exactly why.”

_Am I having a hard time trusting her? With Jovi, I knew what I was getting in to, but until tonight, I thought you were just a normal person._ “I don't....” Chandra quickly checked herself to see if she were lying. “I don't not trust you.”

“There is no need for you to put up a front. You have every right to be suspicious. People like us did watch idly while others did atrocious things to you. Maybe I seem trustworthy, but our money is no different than theirs. You cannot make the wealth my family has without abusing those we deemed worthless. We never killed anyone, but we might as well have.”

Chandra was mesmerized. Not just at Liliana's understanding of the problem, but also that she was willing to take the blame for things she had no part of. She had no desire for Liliana to feel this guilt, but the fact that she did showed a lot about her character. “Well, it sounds like you get it which is cool, but I'm still confused. I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole but I don't get why you would go through all the trouble.”

“For my dad, mostly. I know he has a lot to make up for, but I do think he deserves happiness and he really wants to make this work.”

Trying to sound as reassuring as possible, Chandra politely chuckled, “I think you're safe. My mother seems happy. I don't think she's been this excited since the war ended.”

“I know I have no need to worry about them. You, however.”

“What about me?”

By finally looking away from Chandra, Liliana made clear her apprehension to continue. “I know how much has been dropped on you as a result all of this and I hate to pile on more pressure, but for the sake of my dad....He desperately wants you to be a part of his life.”

_That has to be an embellishment. Desperately is a pretty strong word_. “That doesn't make any sense.”

“Ever since he met you, he will not shut up about you. I get the feeling he likes you more than me.” Her tone was clearly sarcastic, but there was a shred of sincerity hidden in there. Liliana was exaggerating, but she was relaying an earnest message from Jovi.

This felt unbelievable. All Chandra had ever shown Jovi was suspicion, curtness and animosity. The idea of him having a vested interest in her was distressing. She didn't want to hurt him, but she also had no desire to have any meaningful relationship with him. “I don't get it. I haven't exactly been nice to him. I'd expect him to want me to piss off”

Liliana shook her head desperately. “Not at all. My dad has almost no family. My grandma died after he was born; he was her first child, so he never got any brothers or sisters. My grandpa died a few years ago and now all he has is me. He would never say anything to you, but he is really excited at the idea of having you as a part of his life.”

“Well, I guess I'm the piece of shit.... You said it was mostly for your father. I guess you've taken to my mother a little more than I took to Jovi.”

“Pia is wonderful,” Liliana said this with apprehension like she were hiding something. Wanting to know what the secret was, Chandra stayed silent to wait her out. “I know she wants you and my dad to get along and I do want to do what I can for her, but I was referring to myself.”

“What about yourself?”

“I thought it would be nice to have some new family too. I had my apprehensions when my dad told me about it, but then I got to meet you.” Liliana had gone from sheepish to full on embarrassment. “I really like the idea of you being my sister.”

The possible reactions were a crowded mess in Chandra's brain and she couldn't grab on to just one. She knew the only possible response she could muster would be a simple, 'why?' It seemed impossible to say it in a way that would express her insecurities; it would just come off as rude, but it seemed better than saying nothing.

Before she could get her word out, Chandra was saved from her verbal clumsiness, by the waitress. A diversion of fish was placed in front of them and they were granted a few seconds of comfortable silence which gave her enough time. “You actually want me to live with you?”

Liliana was cutting her fish up in a precise manor though it was unclear if it was an issue of flavour, culture or neurosis. “Ideally, but I would take what I can get.” She slid a piece of fish into her mouth with more class than the establishment demanded or even wanted.

Chandra tried to match her but found herself fixated on something as soon as the fish touched her lips. _This is so fucking gross_. Unfortunately, she felt it was a sin to waste food and she hated getting doggy bags. A small snicker could be heard from across the table so Chandra knew she wasn't doing a good job hiding her displeasure.

There were bigger things to focus on. _I don't know what to say, but I hate saying, 'I don't know what to say.' Just think of something to sooth her while you come up with a..._

“I know this is a lot to take in. You know how my dad and I feel now. Nothing else needs to be said on the subject by either of us tonight.” They finished their food quickly and Liliana scooped the books back into her bag. “Shall I walk you back to your tree or would you like to go home?”

Between the food and all the talk about family, Chandra had warmed up to the idea of going home. To her surprise, she was even factoring in how worried Jovi would be if she stayed out all night. “I guess I should go home, but you really don't have to take me. You've done enough for me tonight.” _Please protest._

“I will walk you home, then I will take a cab to my house. Anything else is unacceptable.”

“Fine, but I'm paying for dinner.”

“Even though you hated it?”

_I'm usually good at hiding that sort of thing, but boy was it bad._ “I hated the food. I liked the dinner.” Liliana seemed touch by this response and Chandra's heart skipped in turn. She laid the money out on the table and they set off on their way.

The walk back to Chandra's was going to be a long one and it started out in silence, but she didn't mind. _Dinner and a moonlit walk. This is probably the most romantic thing I've ever done and it's with my sister. Go fucking figure._

 


	17. Uncommon Bond

She looked over at Liliana's content smile; she was enjoying herself and that was good enough for Chandra. _Even if she wasn't your sister and even if she were queer, it's not like she'd be interested anyway. Just enjoy her company._

“Just so you know, I do empathize.” Liliana's attention was grabbed so swiftly that Chandra knew she must have been waiting for her to talk. “When I was little, I wanted a brother or sister more than anything.”

“What changed?”

 _She's going to regret asking that_. “Once my father died, it kinda' shattered the whole big family concept.” Chandra was sure Liliana already knew what happened to her father, but broaching the subject was sure to put a damper on the evening.

Liliana's eyes were now shut so tightly that it must have hurt. It seemed like now desperately hoped this was a dream she could wake up from. “Of course.... Please, forgive me.”

People putting their foots in their mouths in regards to her father was something Chandra had grown accustomed to. If it was the foot of someone she liked, it didn't bother her, so she tried to be as reassuring as possible. “You were just making conversation. Don't even worry about it. Besides, if it weren't for that, we couldn't bond over our childhood lack of siblings.” Humour was usually Chandra's only tool for deescalating an awkward situation.

The wrinkling of Lilian's face loosened, but it wasn't replaced with the relief Chandra had hoped her inappropriately placed humour would provide. It was a look of confusion as if she couldn't believe Chandra wasn't offended. _It's not like he called father a coward._ When she finally rearranged her expression, she solemnly asked, “you found out who I was from the encyclopedia page of my dad, right?”

“Right.” _Changing the subject works too._

“What else did you read?” She was starting to sound worried.

“I saw what his last name, noticed you two had similar eyes.” _That didn't sound weird at all._ “I scrolled right down to the personal life section and just skimmed for your name. I closed my computer as soon as I saw it. Why?”

“Just idle curiosity.” Liliana slowed her pace and pointed across the street to a small drug store. “I need some eye drops. Do you mind?”

Chandra was willing to go home, but she certainly wasn't in any hurry. “Go for it.” When Liliana assured her she would only be a minute, it implied there was no need to follow her in. Without hesitation, as soon as Liliana's back was to her, Chandra fumbled her phone out and went to take a second look at Jovi Vess's encyclopedia page.

 _I must have missed something important. Okay, I don't care about his early life or education. Transfer of assets sounds dull unless he killed someone for it._ When Chandra got to the section titled, 'Multiverse tour,' she remembered the word 'Kaladesh' had jumped out at her. _But if he did something bad on Kaladesh, mother could never look past it._

Chandra's instincts told her that even if something in this section mattered, it wouldn't concern Liliana. _Attempt at politics. I'm still convinced that would just get me mad, so we can come back to that._ It was the last section of what most would consider important and was followed by the header people really cared about. _Maybe there's more in here I missed._

It was short enough for her to read through the entire thing before Liliana got back. _Married Claire Umezawa-Bennett._ Umezawa was the name of one of Dominaria's most historic families. They were the first immigrants to arrive on Dominaria. While the name may have been a coincidence, she found that unlikely. _Two people with status getting married isn't exactly a new idea._

Before she could decide she didn't care about that, she had made it to the end of the paragraph and she knew she didn't need to go any further. _Oh, fuck...._ Chandra was so fixated on what she had read that she hadn't noticed Liliana at her side spying on what she was doing which was actually just reading the same sentence over and over.

She was uncharacteristically unaware until Liliana finally spoke. “As soon as I said something, I knew you would look it up when you got the chance. I should have let it be.”

Chandra lowered herself to a hush despite the deserted street around them. “No, I get it. You can't help it....You can't help when there's something that defines so much of who you are.”

Liliana seemed very interested in this monologue and let Chandra continue. “You want people to know about it. At the same time, you don't want to bring it up because you don't want people pitying you, or worse, think you're milking it for attention.”

It was the most poetic thing Chandra had ever said and she wasn't sure how Liliana would react. She wasn't expecting the focus to be on what she hadn't said. “I think this might be the first time someone has not said, 'I cannot imagine what that must have been like.'”

This was a sentiment that Chandra understood fully. “You already know I don't know what you went through, and you know that I know you know. More importantly, I know you've heard people say that a hundred times and it never helps. You don't need someone reminding you how much better their life has been – that they haven't had to suffer like you have.”

There was a hand on Chandra's shoulder. Liliana's grip was firm, but not in a tender way. Chandra knew what it meant to be tense and she could tell by the pressure on her shoulder that Liliana's entire body was curling up. In a tone even lower hers, Liliana softly said, “when you want to talk about it or want to get angry about it, you hate yourself for making it about you.”

All Chandra could do was nod. With that last comment, everything that needed saying was said. She desperately tried to find something uplifting but Lilian didn't give her the chance. “This is too much of a burden I have placed on you. I never had the intention of making you feel like I wanted to replace my brother, but how could you see this any other way after I begged you?”

Finally turning around, Chandra was impressed at the stoic look facing her. _I wonder if she calls herself a stupid coward when she feels like crying too?_ “That hadn't even crossed my mind. I don't think it ever would have.”

“Do you really mean that?” The desperation in Liliana's voice was hard to take in.

“Yeah, man. No offence but it sounds really crazy.”

Liliana snickered which had been Chandra's goal. “Apologies, but you will have to put up with a bit of neurosis from now on.”

“Yeah, right. Like you could keep up with mine.” _No joke._ Lamenting that they couldn't stand there all night, Chandra began leading them back home. After they had walked for a little while longer, she worked up the nerve to ask something that was hiding in the back of her head at dinner. “So, how bummed are you that you're not rich anymore?”

“I wonder how long you have been waiting to ask that.” Liliana didn't seem at all offended. “Truthfully, I do not mind. I wanted it to happen sooner.”

“Going from a mansion to an apartment really wasn't hard for you?”

“It was strange, but the money should have been gone earlier. I thought it was ridiculous to have so much, but I was unable to bring myself to bring the subject up with dad.”

“It's tough to stand against a parent on such a serious issue. Don't be so hard on yourself.”

“That had nothing to do with it. My entire life, I have been argumentative with my dad. I only held back because of Josu. He told me it was inappropriate for someone so young to try and involve themselves with the family's money. When he told me that, I was the only one unaware of the cancer; I assume he was trying to avoid any rifts between the three of us.”

“How long did....”

Chandra had a point she wanted to get to but found herself stumbling to get to it. As if from memorized script, Liliana already had the answer ready. “He was diagnosed a year before I knew and he lived a little over a year afterwards.”

 _I wonder how many people would look at us and see us in the same light? We both suffered a loss way younger than we should have, but it's not the same. We both saw a family member die, but mine was over in an instant. She had to sit and watch for an eternity._ “Were you mad that they kept it from you?”

“Furious, but I pretended not to be. Anger was the last thing the house needed – the last thing Josu needed. He felt bad enough as it was. Guilty that he hid it from me; guilty that he was dying. I spent thirteen months reassuring him, though I wonder if having me around all the time just made him feel worse about leaving me behind.” Liliana finally let out a profound exhale – the same kind Chandra used to maintain composure.

“It sounds like you were strong. You should be proud of yourself.” Hidden among all of the idiotic things people told Chandra to make her feel better about her father's death, that was one that had actually helped. It made her feel powerful about a situation that had left her so weak.

The look of awe gave Chandra the impression that Liliana appreciated it too. “So many people told me to, 'be strong.' You are the first to tell me that I was. No one really had anything positive to say.”

 _I think my depressing statements limit is just about topped off._ “What can I say? I'm just smarter than everyone else and you should only ever listen to me.” Liliana gave off an awkward laugh at this – genuine in appreciation, but still somewhat forced. “Did you eventually talk to Jovi about the whole money thing then?”

“There was no need. It all started after Josu died. I think it was an awakening for dad. All the money and resources he spent did nothing for my brother, but it could have saved thousands of others Seeing how useless his money was made him realize he no longer wanted it.”

“You know, if someone had told me this overwhelmingly tragic backstory, I might have been a little more receptive.” _The longer this drags on, the more I feel like a monster._

“It sounds like someone may be warming up to us.”

 _Let's be real. I'm warming up to you_. “I'm sorry I've been so dramatic. I just” _have no impulse control....I can't use that as an excuse._ “I just.... _fuck it_. You know what? I've got nothing. I'm sorry for freaking out and I'm sorry for making everyone worry.”

“I cannot speak for anyone else, but it comforts me that you worked through your emotions. If you had kept all this to yourself, there would have been no chance of truly winning you over.”

“There's expressing myself and there's throwing tantrums like a stupid kid, but what do you say I make it up to you?.” _I know I'm going to regret this tomorrow, but fuck it. We're all just killing time until we die anyway._ “I'll come live with you guys.”

Overwhelming pressure closed in on Chandra as Liliana, who seemed to be even stronger than she looked, had her engulfed in a bear hug. She must have noticed her own intensity as she did loosen slightly, though she was unapologetic about it. “I am going to have a sister!”

Able to get her arms free, Chandra reciprocated. In her arms was a woman that she found imposing in strength, beauty and class to be lost in childlike glee. It was infectious and all her swimming mind could produce was giggling as warmth from Liliana's chest soothed her.

The rest of the walk back to Chandra's place was filled with meaningless tidbits and relatively impersonal questions. When she announced that they were, “a block that way,” Liliana requested a cab. When they got to the door and the app said it would still be three more minutes, Chandra invited Liliana in.

“I think you and Pia probably need to be alone right now.” She was right. “I think I will be safe on your front step.” She gave Chandra another hug that lasted longer than most do and yet wasn't long enough.

She timidly opened and closed the door and quietly slid her shoes off. It had gotten late and, while it was unlikely, Chandra knew her mother might have gone to bed. As she crept through the house, she noticed Pia was laying on the couch. _She fell asleep out here. That means she was waiting for me. She's asleep now though. I should just leave her._

As she approached her room, she realized that was a decision based in self-interest. _She would want you to wake her. You're just trying to avoid talking to anyone. Go be a good daughter._

Kneeling next to her mother – who was clearly asleep – Chandra began tickling Pia's nose. “Hey, mother. Wake up.”

Groaning, Pia muttered, with a grin, “you're home early.”

“You sent your dogs after me. I guess I didn't have a choice.”

Pia slowly brought herself up. “Leave it to her to get you back here. She's a sweet girl, isn't she?”

 _She's so great_. “She's not bad. Full of surprises.”

“No kidding. Always amazing when someone can talk some sense into you.”

“Okay, mother, I'm sorry.”

“Oh, dear, you don't need to apologize.

“I should. You kept stuff from me that you shouldn't have, but you were trying to be nice. I was just being horrible for the sake of it.”

Pia was getting to her feet now, which meant it was either teatime or bedtime. Chandra was hoping for the former since her mother only drank tea while she was in a good place. Eagerly following her like a puppy, Chandra was excited to see Pia move toward the kitchen.

Once all the burners were turned on, she turned to her daughter. “I was thinking while you were gone. I want you to be able to focus on school and I've got the money. I'll keep paying the rent here as long as your grades keep being as good as they are.”

Chandra condescendingly raised a brow. “I'm coming with you. Don't pretend you didn't know.”

It was unclear if Pia kept her energy low due to being groggy or to give Chandra some space, but she remained calm despite the uncontrolled grin on her face. “Actually, I didn't know. As wild as you are, I can normally figure out what you're going to do. That's how I know when you're furious this time.” Pia looked back to see which burner was brightest and set a kettle on it. “What changed?”

“I told ya, she's full of surprises.” Chandra could feel her mother silently contemplating this. “When she made it clear why it was so important to her, how could I say no to this girl who scoured the whole city looking for me?”

“I don't suppose there's any chance that how you feel about me factored in to it?”

“Maybe. I do know how lost you'd be without me.” Chandra felt comfortable saying this as she knew both of them understood that is was the other way around.

Before the kettle even had time to fully cool, both of them expressed their exhaustion and went off to their beds. As tired as Chandra was, her brain wasn't ready to sleep. She had to contemplate the bizarre commitment that had just been made. _I get to see her every day. Oh god, I have to see her every day. What kind of roommate is she? Is this going to be like some bad show where I'm tense all day because she does stuff like parade around in nothing but a towel?_

Chandra couldn't tell if she were excited, but she knew she was nervous. However, right now, what was most important was how much comfier her bed was than a branch; that she spent the evening with a woman that she couldn't stop thinking about – who cared for her, even if it was in a manner so contrary to her own feelings. She felt content and this lulled her off to sleep.

 


	18. A Convenient Lie

_Ah, fuck_. Chandra's feet had barely touched the cold morning floor next to her bed when she realized something she had forgotten. Her Research Methods class began in a couple hours and she had volunteered to one-up Gideon. Among the chaos of the past week, it slipped her mind completely. _Whatever. We'll just do his idea._

As a precaution, Chandra usually showered before going to sleep, but she had drifted off too quickly last night. Luckily, her first alarm managed to get her up and she had time to wash off the feeling of phantom ants from her time in the tree. It was the first day of the season to drop below 15 degrees, so she ran the water as hot as she could before it started to hurt, then cranked it up a little bit more.

Still groggy, she stood motionless and let her mind wander until she was completely awake. _I could try and come up with an idea now, but I doubt it would hold up_. The will to brainstorm disappeared quickly and her roller coaster of thought was off.

_What's my new apartment going to be like? If Jovi hadn't sold his castle yet, would we have moved in there? What was Liliana's life like before all this happened? Is she going to hate living with me? Is my new shower going to have as much pressure as this one? I wonder if Jace is going to make a move on that girl he's in to._

She had gotten used to the warmth and the goosebumps of her drafty room were in the past. Her body stretched toward the soap which put the bulk of water pressure against her chest. The stimulation and heat brought her back to the feeling of her tight embrace with Liliana. This overran Chandra's other thoughts and she considered taking a long shower.

While her romantic desire was resonating in her heart, she couldn't get herself in the head space to do anything about it. Chandra wrapped up her shower – violently shivering as she realized the door had been left open a sliver. Once she had dried herself, she found herself assessing her naked body in the large mirror in front of her.

Normally, Chandra didn't put too much thought into something no one was going to see, but when she was falling for someone, her insecurities came to light. _Even if I had kept up with track, this would still be unimpressive._ As she was now, she was uninspired by the fact that nothing on her stood out _literally!_ _Har har._ She ran her fingers along one of her uninspiring breasts. _I wish I had the guts to pierce these. That might look good._

She reached for the clothes she brought in with her and hiked up her lacy black undearwear that she had been proud of herself for buying though it wasn't helping her now. It seemed like all they were doing was drawing attention to her hips that apparently missed the memo that she wasn't twelve anymore.

Accepting the futility, she got fully dressed and went to greet her mother in the kitchen who waving her off. Pia was on the phone discussing something heavy. “He had been sick for a while.” _Oh damn, someone died_. “You can't keep this secret for long.” _Secret death?_ “I'm sure she'll figure it out. She's standing right here.” _Uhhhhhm._ “I'll tell her....Yeah, I'll see you then.”

“Hello!?” Pia didn't look torn up when she set her phone down which gave Chandra more freedom to be confused rather than panic.

“That was awful news. Your psychology professor died last night.”

“Oh....” All Chandra could think was, _I guess I'm off the hook for the project._ “You two didn't know each other well or anything, did you?”

“Oh, no. I'm fine enough but I know a couple people that were.”

“Is it shitty that I'm more curious about what's going to happen with my class than anything else?”

“I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I know he didn't mean much to you, so as long as you aren't happy he's dead.” _Does relief count?_ “They'll try to find a replacement. They want to keep this quiet for now, so do you mind?”

A Nalaar was nothing if not stingy with secrets and Chandra gave a silent thumbs up. If this were an important detail for her friends, she might have objected, but there was no urgency and no reason not to indulge her mother.

“Do you still want a ride to school? Don't worry about breakfast – unless you want some.”

“Might as well.” There was now an extra two hours to kill, but Chandra knew whatever she did at home would envelop her and there was no sense risking being late. “I'll go get my stuff.” As she headed to her room, it occurred to her that her mother rarely skipped breakfast. Turning before she was out of sight, Chandra pressed, “are you okay?”

“I am. It's just always a little solemn to lose a colleague, even when it's one you didn't care for.”

_It's crazy that a single death could still phase her._ Chandra's mother had lost thousands of colleagues; it was a discouraging thought to think what those must have done to her. “Okay. I'll just go and....” She trailed off as she shuffled away.

When she found her phone, Chandra figured she may as well check her email. Obviously the class was cancelled, but she was curious what excuse was fabricated. Unsurprisingly, it was generic message, though it did include something important.

 

**There is a meeting at 1600 in A130 to discuss the procedure for the class going forward. Attendance is recommended (though not mandatory). A summary will be sent out to all class members.**

 

_I guess that's right after physics. I might as well._ Whatever was going to happen, Chandra wasn't worried. The credit was needed to move on in psychology, but she had only taken the class to spend time with her friends. Something was nagging at her though.

_Why does everything keep changing on me? Rashmi is my teacher instead of Dr. Ballard and my psychology teacher is dead._ She didn't feel proud complaining about that one. _My mother's getting married, I'm moving in with a step father, I have a raging crush on the absolute worst option imaginable._

Her thoughts must have been visible to her mother's third eye who had snuck up to her door and with impeccable timing asked, “is everything going okay with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you've had a pretty crazy week. I know too much at once can make you a bit less stable.”

Chandra knew what her mother meant and this would have been a good a time as any to mention her panic attack. _It's the closest I've come to passing out in a long time, but it felt like it could have been even worse than that. Maybe it is connected with everything that's happening, but I feel better about all this mess._

While a short answer would have raised suspicion that she was hiding something, a long one would have seemed like she was already prepared for the question – not a good look for someone trying to hide something.

“I'm fine.”

 


	19. Hiding in Plain Sight

“Could you please not stick your face in front of the microwave beam?” It was Liliana and Chandra's first real lab in Rashmi's class and luckily enough, they were told to work with a single partner – no more, no less.

“You haven't even turned it on yet. Doesn't it look crooked?” They had to line up a microwave transmitter and receiver which gave Chandra a neurotic fixation.

“The first line of the safety section says to not let your eyes get near the transmitter.”

“Don't worry about it.” As she continued to fiddle, a second voice appeared behind her. “Chandra, what are you doing?” She was frozen momentarily before cranking her neck as far as it would go to gaze upon a perplexed Rashmi standing over her. “It, uhm....It looked not centre.” There was shame in her voice.

Rashmi shook her head and pulled Chandra up by the shoulder. “It's fastened to a goniometer. The whole point of it is to keep it in place.” This was met with nothing more than a nervous chuckle. Rashmi pulled Chandra in close by the waist in a half assed half hug. “Now, quit playing around, okay?”

“Okay.” Chandra could feel the warmth of her flushed face as she hid it. Whatever little interest she had in microwave interference was now beneath the feeling of embarrassment in her gut.

Liliana's seemed uninterested in Chandra's shame, but her eyes followed Rashmi as she walked away. “Does that not bother you?”

“What?” Chandra was pretending to read the handout to ensure she wouldn't notice anyone staring at her.

“The way she was touching you. Hardly appropriate for a teacher.”

It took Chandra a moment to make sense of what Liliana was saying. “She's not a teacher. She's Rashmi.” _I'm glad she did. At least now I know she's not too mad. “_ Okay, yeah, she is a teacher but I've known her most of my life. She's practically my aunt.” _God, really doubling down on the lowkey incest here._

“If it were some random professor, yeah, it'd be gross.” Liliana shrugged in a 'fine, whatever' style. _Nosy much?_ This was the first time Chandra had felt critical towards her which felt empowering and uncomfortable.

“Was everything okay last night after you got home?”

“Yeah, my mother knows how to put up with my shit. She appreciated you coming to help though. She really likes you.”

When Chandra said this, she assumed it was a given. It wasn't even meant as a compliment – just a boring fact to fill the void, so she was surprised at the glow it gave Liliana. “How wonderful to hear. I really like her too.”

For the first time, Chandra seriously considered what the situation with Liliana's mother was and just how much of an upgrade Pia would be, but she couldn't imagine how to broach the topic with grace. _Maybe when her son died, she went nuts and ran away. That's a thing that happens. Whatever it was, she hasn't brought it up yet, so I feel like it's probably something bad._ Now, on top of feeling flustered, she was gloomy in her sympathy.

Once everything was in place and Chandra was at a safe distance, Liliana flicked a switch. “can you plug it in,” she requested.

“It's plugged in.”

“Then why is it not turning on?”

“Because this school is a garbage heap? I don't know.”

“I will get the TA.” Liliana quickly came back with Cho who Chandra had taken note of some of his mannerisms. He had enough self awareness to know he was attractive, but not enough to know how obnoxious he was.

“Lemme see what's going on here, girls.” The first thing he did was flick the switch they had already tried which was the only switch there was and Chandra rolled her eyes. After he fiddled with some wires, Cho proclaimed, “looks like the problem might be in the basement.” He did that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs. She stared off blankly while Liliana gave a forced chuckle.

Cho fiddled around in the cabinet under their station which he probably shouldn't have been, but whatever he was doing worked as a green light came on. He reemerged, thankfully not having the audacity to climb up the stairs too. Chandra pretended to fiddle with their devices' settings until he left.

“Maybe I should stick around, in case there's anything else you might want.”

Still able to see him get closer out of the corner of her eye, Chandra continued her fake adjustments, praying Liliana would just say no and not indulge his obnoxious flirting. She thought to herself in a childish, mocking tone, _hardly professional for a blah blah blah._ Jealousy at Cho's courage may have been gnawing at her a bit. To her surprise, Liliana just stayed silent for a few seconds before finally relenting. “I think we have it from here.”

Chandra reemerged from the dials and a few seconds later, Liliana added, “he was waiting for you to answer.”

 _God, imagine being so naive that she doesn't know he was talking to her_. “I don't think so.”

The experiment went smoothly enough from there, though they were one of the last ones done. Chandra was confident that as long as you aren't the last group, there's no real shame. They handed in the work together, but Rashmi, after skimming it, looked only at Chandra when she said, “looks perfect.” Chandra was fine with the attention. As far as she was concerned, that was a suitable end to her redemption arc. They silently excused themselves and began the trip to A130.

“Has Pia said anything to you about what happened to Dr. Andrion?”

“Yeah, but asked me to keep it to myself.” The importance of secrets that had been instilled in Chandra was a no snitchin' policy that was meant to keep information away from an enemy. She was asked to keep her teachers death to herself, which she intended to do, but there was no need to hide completely from Liliana's question.

“I hate to suggest it, but I suspect he passed away.” Liliana paused to test for reaction, but Chandra gave her no acknowledgement. Silence could be a tell, but saying anything was always worse. “The sudden departure, no email from him directly.”

“98 year olds don't use email.” For as long as she could remember, Chandra had been fairly callous about death as long as no one in earshot cared about the person but there was some regret this time. _She's going to figure out I knew about this and know how insensitive I am._

The walk from their physics class to the A building had an entirely different feel than their nighttime stroll. Chandra liked to pretending last night was romantic, but she knew better and settled for whimsical. This trek lacked ambience - but more importantly, it lacked words.

Last time they were together, small talk was flowing freely between the two of them but it seemed Chandra was lacking the confidence provided by the dramatic setting. Living with someone you couldn't have a comfortable cup of tea with would have daunted her a while longer if they weren't in visual range of their destination.

“It does seem strange that they are having us come to the lecture hall for only twenty of us. There are hundreds of classrooms on this campus.”

 _What's more, I don't recognize those two going in ahead of us_. “Are we going to the right place?” Liliana seemed confident enough to carry on, so Chandra didn't slow down though her phone was out to trudge through the school's painful wifi. It was a useless effort that stood no chance of getting to the email before they were through the doors.

The first thing Chandra noticed was that the twenty-something people in the first few rows were not her classmates though they spoke comfortably to each other as if they belonged.. Liliana confirmed this by giving her a concerned look. “What should we do?”

 _Fucking bail! This thing is optional anyway._ “I guess we could ask someone.” Chandra shifted herself back half a meter to suggest Liliana do it before they were spared by the beckoning from a loud whisper. She looked to the back end of the room on the opposing side to see Gideon waving them over. Nissa was there seemingly indifferent and Jace was sinking out of sight even more than usual. The two made their way to the back of the hall quickly to avoid a shouted conversation.

“Why are you guys way in the back? There's seven empty rows in front of you that you had to walk past to get up here.”

“What an excellent question. Jace?” Nissa sounded some parts annoyed and amused which meant the reason was bound to be something silly, but Jace ignored it.

Gideon finally interjected tiredly, “we're hiding?”

“From what?”

Chandra took a seat next to Nissa who was pointing to the bottom row. “See that girl in the blue sweater with the hood up?”

“Yeah.” Chandra could see there was a human in a chair but that was the extent of it.

“It's the girl he told us about.” Jace quietly groaned.

“And we're hiding from her?”

No one answered, but Liliana did add, “if you want to avoid being noticed, this probably is not the best spot.” They certainly weren't hiding where Waldo would _._ “Of course, the only thing worse at this point would be to all get up and move.”

As if Gideon had read Chandra's mind, he pleaded with Jace. “It doesn't make any sense. Since when are you this shy?”

“I dunno.”

Before they could press any further, the door opposite to the one they entered flew open revealing a teacher. Nothing about this man suggested university teacher aside from having a briefcase and being the oldest person in the room.

If this man was to replace Dr. Andrion, he clearly wasn't trying to replicate him. He wasn't much younger, or taller, but must have weighed twice as much. This was the only instructor Chandra had seen with the body as fat and strong as a retired gridiron player who, in his tanktop that seemed like it should be half soaked with sweat and knee length skirt, clearly had no problem with his form.

“Research Methods Section 1, I apologize for the change in venue.” His handlebar mustache, shaved head and busy eyebrows gave off the impression of a deep voice, but they were greeted with one that was fairly soft in tone – though not volume. “I see some new faces.” His eyes traveled the room though his fixation was on Chandra's group. “Though half of section 2 seems to be a little shy.”

_Oh, good, he's one of those_

“You,” he pointed in their direction, “woman dressed for deadly winter.” He was speaking to Nissa whose sweatpants, multiple scarves and sweaters were out of place in a room full of jeans and long sleeved shirts. “What's your name?”

“Nissa.”

The man pulled a piece of crumpled paper from his pocket. “Nissa Revane?”

“Yep.”

“That explains it. Took me twenty-something god damn years to get used to the cold when I came here from Zendikar.” Chandra and Nissa shared the experience of rarely seeing their own people with immigration from Zendikar and Kaladesh to Dominaria being on the low end. People from Nissa's plane rarely left and those that fled Chandra's mostly went to Mercadia or Ravnica – worlds that shared Kaladesh's large cities with fewer police state traits.

This meant, as two people still affected by homesickness, anytime they did meet their own kind was a heartwarming experience. The excitement Chandra knew her friend was having was infectious enough to almost let her forget they were being singled out. “Nissa, I hope you didn't come all the way from Zendikar to hide in a corner. How 'bout you and your friends come and join the rest of us?”

Questions you can't say no to are powerful tools and the five of them were left with no choice but to awkwardly shuffle down six rows of chairs. Chandra was already unimpressed with this man. _I hate teachers that do this. Yeah, it was weird that we were sitting there, but we weren't hurting anyone. This is just wasting time._ Once they had manoeuvred into a new row, the oversized man continued.

“New people, I'm Dr. Tarl. I'm the instructor for section 1 and with your class no longer having someone to teach ya, you'll be integrated into my class. I'll be blunt because it's what Tobias (Dr. Andrion) would want. He died last night.” A thick air – one that can only be formed by a death filled the room. No one said anything, but Chandra noticed Narset removing her hood to reveal her long, brown with blue streaks hair out of respect. In turn, Jace slid his even further forward.

“I know not everyone's schedule can allow for this so full refunds are being offered by the university, but all that goes through the register's office. I have no interest in talkin' about money.” Dr. Tarl went on to take attendance of section 2 which ruined Jace's chance at stealth, which was likely irrelevant based on Narset's lack of reaction. A course outline was handed out and they ran out the clock with a depressing film about dictatorships using false statistics.

Jace was the first one on his feet when they were dismissed. An“I'll see y'all later,” was all they got out of him as he sprinted for one of the doors at the back of the room.

Gideon sighed and Chandra brushed up against him. “You worried he's hiding something from you?”

“He's always hiding something from me, but I normally don't have a sense of dread when it comes up.” _Jace doesn't seem anymore aloof than usual, but if Gideon's worried, that's all I need to know._

They likely would have left that moment if it weren't for the fact that Nissa had taken advantage of the film's need for a dark room. Her eyes were slowly opening but she was still barely conscious and as Chandra leaned over to shake her, they were interrupted.

“Excuse me.” They all – excluding Nissa – turned as if it were some big reveal. Narset had put her hood back on, but her waist long hair stuck out of it and her eyes which were sharp enough to pierce a soul were still visible, though they seemed more interested in the floor than with any of them “Was Jace with you?”

There was a collective sense of giddiness in their group. If they were ten years younger, they would have let out a collective, 'oooooooo' at Narset's inquiry. Unfortunately, they were adults and all Gideon could say was, “he was, but he had somewhere to be. Did you need something? I can call him if you want.”

“No, that's not necessary. I just wanted to say hi.” Chandra desperately wanted to intrude, _I can give you his number and you can say whatever you want_ but felt that would be more awkward than helpful.

“Okay. I'm Gideon, by the way.”

“Narset.” Their hands met and she nodded towards him. They went around in turn and she gave them each the same quick movement – even nodding at the still waking Nissa after Gideon handled the introduction of her too. “It was nice to meet you all.” Everyone concurred as she slid earbuds on and turned for the door.

With her out of earshot and Chandra prodding Nissa, Gideon raised the point, “Didn't Jace say she was always nervous and fidgety?”

“She seemed perfectly put together to me.” Liliana was right. Other than watching the floor, Narset was a model for composure. She stood tall, walked with purpose and while her voice was sweet, she still found a way to give it a powerful tone.

Nissa groaned from her seat, “He was making her nervous.” She may have missed Narset, but she was awake for the banter that followed.

“Maybe...Jace isn't the type to be insensitive” _Present company excluded._

Nissa spoke through a yawn and a stretch, “I never said he did anything wrong. Maybe she's nervous around him because he's doing something right.”

_And yet he's managing to fuck it up._

 


	20. Exposure

Time was lost to Chandra in the following week. She got to wrack with worry when Jace hadn't shown up to their next class which Gideon was unable to explain. She go to watch the surreal experience of watching her mother's city hall wedding ceremony (spoiled when her plan to be the best dressed in attendance were foiled by Liliana who somehow managed to make a dress straight off the witch in a macabre painting work in an informal setting). Most difficult – and what had most violently snuck up on her – was packing her things into beer labelled boxes

All that remained was what little furniture wasn't getting donated. Nothing could be done about that now, so she lay in the dark, mourning the loss of her home. It was not devastating like her last move had been – that had been like losing a close grandparent. Bidding farewell to her Dominarian home was feeling more like losing a great aunt that you knew fairly well, but didn't care for. She would get over it pretty quick, but in the moment, it was a solemn experience.

While she was coming to terms with her loss, Chandra heard a familiar sound outside. _A bus? They should have stopped running hours ago_. The noise wasn't dissipating which meant there had to be a fleet of them out there, but before she could comprehend how that could happen in the middle of the night, an explanation literally shone under the bottom of her dark curtains. _It's morning? I must have fallen asleep._

If her mother hadn't come to wake her up, that meant it was still early and that was a freshly born sun knocking on the window. _I'm already awake, so why not?_ Chandra got up to open her curtains and see what all the commotion was outside but, the rising sun was so bright that all she could see out the window was a blinding, white void.

_I guess it doesn't really matter. Let's see if mother is up yet._ She abandoned the window and went to open the door of her room, but something was wrong with the knob. It seemed to turn normally, but when she pulled on it, nothing happened. A sense of looming anxiety that seemed overkill for a jammed door robbed Chandra of the sense to fix the problem in a sensible matter.

Without much thought, she leaned back and stomped the door which easily split and flew off the hinges. Chandra was neither impressed nor surprised with her work and she wasn't concerned with the consequences either. _We're moving anyway. I'll break whatever the fuck I want._ She had no time to consider what to smash next when her attention was drawn by a quiet voice that she couldn't make out.

“Mother!?” The sound was coming from the kitchen and Chandra hesitantly brought herself down the hall. Her mother wasn't there, but she did find someone whose back – which was covered in a comically large rob – was turned to her. They had slicked back blonde hair and unnaturally long arms that hung down to their knees.

Before she could question anything, they began to chuckle which quickly turned to a sharp, menacing laugh. It was a man's laugh and while there was nothing about his stature that intimidated her, she was paralyzed by the sound.

Something about his ha-ha-ha made her sure she was going to die and, as if that wasn't ominous enough, she was startled by a voice behind her. It was clearly a little girl's that she was sure she recognized. It whispered, “they're counting on you.” Chandra couldn't bring herself to respond and the girl continued with a shriek, “if you cry now, they'll all die!”

That was all her subconscious needed to hear. Chandra was awake now, gasping for air and her mind instantly connected some dots. She knew she had been dreaming, she knew she was having an anxiety attack and she knew the only to calm herself was to squeeze the first thing she could grab hold of.

Holding nothing back, her right arm arched up, but it didn't make it all the way back down. It was blocked midswing by something hard. It was someone's skull and before anyone had time to react, Chandra realized she had just punched Liliana, who was kneeling by her bed, in the face and that it had been a doozy of hook.

It was instantly clear to Chandra what had happened and she wanted desperately to profess her guilt, but she still hadn't caught her breath. In fact, she was holding it in as some futile attempt to hide her panic. Either it was working, or she punched Liliana harder than she realized because all she did was great her in a marry tone, “one day as sisters and we are already fighting.”

Fog was forming in Chandra's mind and she could feel herself starting to lose control, so she gave up and took in enough air to fill a balloon. It didn't help much, but she was at least able to regain her focus and managed to sit herself up as that was the only display of strength she was capable of at the moment.

“You must have been having quite an awful nightmare.” Chandra wasn't surprised that she was giving off some level of dread, but based on Liliana's casual demeanour, it seemed she had been successful at hiding its severity. Her tension seemed to be levelling and it felt like she was moments away from being able to brush it off.

_It wasn't even that bad. It was just some guy laughing._ “Sorry, dude. Are you okay?”

Like she was wiping away dirt, Liliana gracefully brushed against the skin over her eye where she had been struck. “You are going to need to swing a lot harder than that if you want to take me out.”

“I swear, I didn't even know you were -” _Oh god._ Chandra had to take in another ghastly breath as she realized that she had only been in the eye of the storm. This wasn't uncommon, but it always took her by surprise. Her toes were folding in on themselves and she could feel the the sting of her nails digging into her palms, but before she could even attempt to pull herself together, she felt herself getting crushed by an embrace.

“This is supposed to help, right?” Liliana was hugging Chandra and it was tight, though not in any intimate way like their first hug. This was firm enough to crack Chandra's back and it hurt past the point of acceptable levels, but Liliana was right. It was helping. Rather than tax herself with words, Chandra nodded into her shoulder.

“Now isn't this a beautiful sight?” Pia was standing at the door admiring what she must have assumed was nothing more than a good ol' fashioned hug. “Don't move!” She ran off – likely to get a camera.

Chandra's head was finally clearing and she whispered into Liliana's ear, “please, don't say anything.” She felt a nod against her this time and used what little time she had left before her mother's return to nudge Liliana off of her. As much as she was enjoying the moment, she didn't want to make a scene.

The stomping of a hurried Pia came rushing back, but she was too late. “Aw, damn...I'm keeping this thing in my pocket for the rest of the day.”

Liliana turned to Pia and said the most haunting thing Chandra could imagine, “sorry. Maybe next time, mom.”

That made it more real than anything else could have. _This is it, Chandra. She's your sister. She's so excited about it too and you can't get over how you feel about her, the things you want to....You're disgusting. Where does she get off calling mother 'mom?' No one better expect me to call Jovi 'father.' Lets change the subject._ “How did you know how to fix my meltdown?”

“Josu went through the denial stage for longer than he should have. It lead to a great deal of anxiety and I taught myself how to help him through his panic attacks.” _How is she still smiling?_ “I also learned about hiding it from my family. How are you feeling now?”

“Better. Thanks.”

“Good.” Liliana eagerly grasped on to Chandra's arms. “We need to get to work!” It was moving day after all and Liliana seemed fascinated with her surroundings. “Dad told me you would have a lot a stuff? Did you put it all somewhere else?”

She was referring to the minimal number of boxes sloppily taped up that were almost entirely clothes. “This is it. When we moved here, I spent a long time hoping we wouldn't be here long so I didn't bother hoarding anything. By the time I gave up on my dream, I was used to not owning anything” _That sounded a lot more depressing than I intended._

“I understand. Moving out of my childhood home was hard. Between you and I, even after all these months, I still miss it. I hope this move is a little easier on you”

She sounded excited to make that hope come true and it was infectious. “I'm a shit ton less sad than I was the last time I moved.”

“Which is all I need to hear.” Liliana stood and looked on to nothingness with determination like she was preparing to set sail. “Mom said heavy stuff first, so your bed is probably the optimal place to start.”

“Yeah, lets do it.” The room, as it looked now, was the fourth configuration her furniture had since moving in and she felt that this version – achieved only a few months ago – was perfect. _What if I have one of those weird rooms with all sorts of curves? I'm gonna be bummed if I can't have my bed against a wall. Shit's going to be so messy and I won't be able to press myself against the wall to cry._

Liliana ushered Chandra to stand up with the kind of energy that screamed that she wanted to start right away. “Can I at least get dressed first?” She asked this in her grubby pyjamas with a hole on the butt that screamed, 'I wasn't expecting the last person in the world I'd want to see me wearing this to be next to me when I woke up!'

“Of course.” Once Chandra was up, Liliana started getting a feel for how heavy the mattress and frame were.

_Is she....Not going to leave? Is it weird for me to ask her to? I guess in her head, we're sisters and sisters change in front of each other, right? I guess a lot of women in general do._ Chandra was always the type to get changed in a stall after swimming. _God, what if she looks?_ _Oh god, what if she feels comfortable changing in front of me? Fuck it._

Chandra grabbed the change of clothes she left out and got in to them quickly. She did it as far away from her mirror as possible because if Liliana did look, the last thing she would want is to notice it – at least that was the case for the 99% of her that was freaking out. When her shirt was off and she was exposed there was a second tiny voice. It was also asking, 'what if she looks' but in an entirely different tone.

Turning back around did little to ease her tension. Liliana's back was turned to her and Chandra got the impression that she had been given sufficient privacy but she wasn't expecting Liliana to now be taking off her sweater. It was obviously in a 'my heavy black sweater isn't conducive to carrying heavy furniture' manor, but that did nothing to stop her tanktop from catching.

Until now, Chandra had an appreciation for Liliana's looks but this moment was unreasonably enjoyable. Her midriff and arms now on display and she was at the perfect point right before a six pack and arms that were strong, but not big enough to bother calling them biceps (any normal person would just call them upper arms).

Chandra didn't like the look of someone that goes to the gym for the sake of it. She liked a woman that looked like she toiled on the farm all day, or perhaps survived alone on a deserted island. It was a difference of looking strong versus looking powerful – of being able to lift a couch versus surviving through an apocalypse.

Now officially in too queer to function mode, Chandra didn't want to think about moving boxes. She wanted to feel that power hold her up against a wall and she squeaked, “so I get my own room, right?” This was an applicable question in a roundabout sort of way.

After what felt like an eternity, Liliana, now put together, replied, “of course. The last thing we want is for you to feel like a guest and I think you and I are both a bit too old to share a room.” This made perfect sense, but given how everything had unfolded up to this point, Chandra wouldn't have been surprised to find herself having to decide if she wanted the top or bottom bunk.

Privacy or not, all Chandra could keep her mind on was how trapped and horny she was going to be in her new angst riddled prison and most of her was starting to think she had made a mistake by agreeing to lock herself up there.

 


	21. Past in Ice

“I thought you had said you were finished unpacking,” Liliana said accusingly while eyeing a box that's top was still folded in perfectly – its pristine state only slightly ruined by bulges of fullness.

With an unwelcoming glance at it, Chandra clarified, “I said I unpacked everything I wanted to. I don't even want that but my mother insisted.” She didn't mind her new room with the exception of limited closet space, so this rogue box remained in a corner of the room opposite to the corner with her bed.

“Then it sounds like she should have put it with her stuff.” _Yeah._ “What do you have in there?”

“Just stuff from high school.” She immediately regretted the phrasing. There was no one that wouldn't want to pry further after a response like that. The idea of uncovering something as cute and damning as old year books or angsty journal entries were too titillating for anyone to resist.

“May I look?”

There was no good reason to say no and even if there were, it would just pique someone's curiosity even further. “Sure.”

Liliana's excitement turned to a confused awe when she opened the treasure chest to find nothing like what she expected or was hoping for. “These are all trophies and medals.”  
  
                                                                                              ***

  
  
“No matter how you do, If anyone back at Hanna doesn't think you're the best gaddamn thing to happen at that school for a generation, I'll have them run laps until they puke every single day and that includes you!”  
  
No one knew if Coach Iizuka got the nickname Iizuka the Ruthless from disgruntled former students of Lt. Hanna Secondary School, or if he had given it to himself to instill dread. Either way, Chandra didn't understand it. In the three years she had known him, he, at his worst, was never more boorish than what was reasonable for a man that had been underpaid for 35 years. More often than not, he was kind albeit in the loudest ways possible.  
  
Normally, she liked to pretend that it wasn't just a case of preferential treatment stemming from her being the first athlete at her school for years to amount to anything. As Chandra stood face to face with her track coach, surrounded by the steady roar of hundreds of other athletes doing athlete things, coaches and parents yelling, and the whistles and starter pistols that dictated the day, she was willing to acknowledge and even understand the favouritism.

This was his stage as much as hers and she had brought him here – to the Tolarian Provincial Athletics Exhibition (a fancy way of saying 'here's a bunch of sports no one actually cares about, so we're going to cram thirty provincial championships into one week')

The glory would have belonged to the two of them, so what really bothered her was why anyone else (other than her mother, of course) cared, especially since, as Chandra looked over the course she would be taking to in a few minutes, she thought about how little it mattered to her. Putting on the determined face she had been faking for over a year, she sold him the same line she had pitched before every race. “I'll run like our lives depend on it,” and added to herself, _because they probably do_

As she did her final sets of stretches, she contemplated, as she had so many times how little her life or anyone else's did depend on it. _I'm just running for the sake of running. It's a waste of time_

So she began to run the three and a half kilometers expected of her, knowing university scouts were watching and waiting to talk to her. She was on the final stretch and even though all she could hear were dull thuds on the track, and the violent ones in her chest, she knew her mother and friends were cheering her to the end. A nice gesture, but it only confirmed how shallow the whole thing was.

Chandra crossed to her second place reception. She knew how many athletes say that in the moment, nothing feels worse than the silver medal and that made it clear how little it mattered. All she felt was unsatisfying relief that it was over.

 

***

“You managed to get second place at Provincials?” Chandra nodded as she came out of her flashback that played out in an instant. “That is remarkable. Every school on Dominaria must have been trying to recruit you.”

“Yeah, I was getting calls for a week. Word got out pretty quick that I wasn't interested and that I wasn't exactly polite about it either..”

“How could you not want to? Why would anyone with this much talent give up after working so hard?” Liliana seemed to be asking the universe more than Chandra.

Grabbing the silver from Liliana's hands, Chandra tossed it back in the box which she haphazardly scooped up. “Because I hate running.” Throwing it out or even tossing the box into her mother's room seemed overly dramatic, so she conceded and went to put it in her tiny closet.

“Then why do it at all?” She sounded nervous as if Chandra would say something horrific like, 'that new stepmother you're so excited about would starve me if I didn't agree to it.'

The collection of awards was tossed down. It landed on its side, some small things fell out and if there was anything fragile in there, it was likely broken. Chandra was satisfied by her resolution of things and turned to leave it behind. “Running was the only thing I was good at. It's the only thing I was ever good at. I just wanted to feel useful.”

Liliana seemed to be at a loss which came as no surprise to Chandra. _She's not the type to give out hallow gestures so she wouldn't know what to say unless she understood – understood what it's like to look inside yourself and desperately scrounge for something worthwhile. Even if she's knee deep in doubt about herself, a part of her knows she's justified her existence and someone like her has nothing of value to say to someone like me._

 

_***_

“Ew, gross. Why are you sweatier than I am?”

“It's 25 degrees out and I'm wearing a sweater.”

“Well I don't want you or anyone else touching me right now.”

Chandra lay in a first aid tent awaiting a nurse to take a blood sample from her which she found a little insulting even though she acknowledged the necessity. In the meantime, Jace, who was the only one that knew how to navigate an event like this and, more importantly, knew about her fear of needles, stopped by to give her a hug.

“Fair enough. But hey, second place, man. That's really great.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Why so glum, chum?”

She had hoped her lethargy would be written off as exhaustion. “Can't I be a little upset that I didn't win?”

“You could be, but you're not.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause you're smarter than that. You know what a huge deal what you just did is.” He was so sure in his statement that she wondered if he was reading her mind. “So, what's wrong....Unless you don't want to talk about it.”

_Do I?_ “I guess now that it's over, I feel like there's no direction for me.”

“Is it over? You want to go to TW, right? If you give me twenty minutes, I could probably go get you admitted with a full scholarship.”

_God, four more years of this?_ The thought was more exhausting than the actual running though she didn't want to voice that. Chandra feared looking ungrateful for where she found herself, especially in front of Jace. Unfortunately, this left her without anything relevant to say and her silence was incriminating.

“I'm guessing you don't want it to keep going.”

“What I want is to enjoy it.”

“I hear that.”

This piqued Chandra's curiosity. “Do you not enjoy...”

“No, I love fencing. I hate that I didn't make it to Provincials too.” Jace's passion and affinity for the sport surprised everyone, though no one more than him. One of his parents requirements for moving to Dominaria was to live a life beyond school, so he just latched on to a friend.

He hated running and Nissa did nothing with her time, so he went along with Gideon's swordfighting. The shy, scrawny boy wasn't meant to be any good, but aside from Chandra, he was the most accomplished athlete at their school.

“Then what makes you think you know how I feel?”

“If I woke up and decided I hated it, I probably wouldn't stop. I don't think I could feel good about calling home and not having anything to talk about.”

If they weren't having a moment of mutual understanding, Chandra would have reassured Jace that his parents would love talking to him even as the laziest of couch potatoes. She wanted to express her gratitude that he understood, but she was still having a hard time viewing Jace in the same light she saw herself in. He may only have the one thing, but he still had objective value – brilliant as he was indifferent about education and a lifeline to his best friend. “You'd still have reasons to live though.”

“Uhh....I never said I wouldn't. Do you think you don't?” Jace was doing a poor job masking his concern, but she appreciated the effort.

“It's not like I wish I was dead or anything, but I know if I were booped out of existence – removed from the timeline, it wouldn't have an effect. It doesn't matter to me why people like that I can run real fast and I couldn't give a shit about the attention or adoration, but it creates an impact and justifies my place in the multiverse.”

“That's crazy. Your importance as a person goes way beyond sports. People care about you.”

“Yeah, so if I died, they'd be devastated, but if I just ceased to be, mother would fill that vacant space in her heart with something else and you three” (it was understood that Chandra only had the three friends). “Have each other, but when I'm running, I'm a force. I've made dozens of people know that they need to be faster; everyone at school knows how early I am for school and I inspire some of them to be more or less like me and when anyone asks how I got so good, they learn about my people and what we've been through.”

“You're wrong.... Well, you're right about all that inspirational junk, but you think we don't need you? I can't speak for Gideon or Nissa, but I need you.”

“You've got Gideon. I know you two are closer than you and me, which I'm fine with but that doesn't mean I'm not just filler.”

“I love Gideon but it's not the same. He's just so.....”

“Perfect?”

“Yes!” They both found themselves enjoying how accurate that was. Their laughter was boisterous enough that it reminded Chandra of the toll she had taken on her own body. “He's just so cheery and normal and sure of himself. You're the only one I have that understands what it means to hate yourself and everyone around you.”

Jace was in luck. He was the affectionate type when things were getting emotional and the nurse coming in with the syringe was an ideal excuse to hold Chandra's hand since that was what she desperately wanted. “You know,” Chandra addressed the nurse, “if I were using steroids, I would have won.”

“And would probably be breaking my hand even more.”

 

***

 

“Are you alright? You seem to be in your own little world.”

“Yeah. Sorry, I just remembered I have to make a call.” Chandra excused herself and, throwing caution to the wind, actually used her phone for its intended purpose. “Hey....Yes, everything's fine. I just wanted to see if you two were home and wanted to chill.”

 

 


	22. Blue and Red

“What did he do now?” Gideon greeted Chandra at his door of the house that didn’t suggest two unemployed students lived there – looking cuter than usual with his hair tied back and covered by a flowery apron. _Gideon doesn't cook. Do people wear aprons for things other than cooking...and blacksmithing?_ These were the kind of questions she was too ashamed to search for in case her internet provider would think she were stupid.

“Why do you think I'm here for Jace?”

“I know you well enough.” _What does that mean?_ “You would never use your phone to call someone unless it was urgent and I think the only urgent matter is upstairs right now.”

“Always so clever. Anyway, I was unpacking and I found some stuff from high school and it just got me thinking that me and him haven’t talked much lately….Other than me yelling at him. Maybe I can figure out what's going on with him.”

“We would both appreciate it, though I don't get why he can't just talk to me.”

“I don’t know. It's hard being vulnerable around you, man.”

“What does that mean?”

_How do I put this delicately?_ “You're confident, handsome and just all around impressive and sometimes that makes us hate ourselves.” _Good job. Well done._ “Just a little.”

“Oh....Okay.” His voice did a satisfactory job hiding the offense he had taken, but his face was clear. “I think we might have to unpack that later, but for now, what do you say I go get us some food?”

“Yeah, I'm starving.” She gave him a hug, slid a 20 in his pocket as he put on a hefty coat and ushered Gideon out of his own house.

_He didn't even take off his apron_. Chandra was familiar enough with their house to navigate it with the lights off, but not enough to know where any of the light switches were. The situation was only made complicated by an assortment of messes that were never the same twice and she stumbled up the stairs that lead to Jace's room which had no sliver of light appearing from its gap. This may have meant Jace was asleep, but knowing he never felt a need for anything more than a bedside lamp, Chandra brushed off this possibility.

Jace responded to a respectful knock with a calm, “yo.” He was the type that never wanted to be disturbed, but he was rarely dismissive of unwelcome advances. “Mind if I come in?”

“Oh.” His surprise told her that Gideon hadn’t told him she was stopping by. “Yeah, come in.” Chandra found it unnatural to hear a lack of shuffling when she surprised someone in their bedroom. She always managed to find at least a touch of shame in whatever her private moments consisted of. All she found was Jace, leaning back at his desk watching Too Dark for Demons – a show as comically gory as it was emotionally crushing. _Solid depression choice._

The multiple running computers and modern insulation kept the room warm, but Jace was still bundled up in a ratty sweater. The surroundings matched him perfectly with decor that showed a tug of war between an adolescent and an adult. A few posters from TV shows were pinned unevenly with thumb tacks, a shadeless light had one side burnt out and the bed as far from made as it could be, but his curtains were stylish, the furniture was classy and self-assembled and pictures with friends and family were framed rather than taped to a wall.

A trio of those were pictures were from their graduation; a picture of just the two of them sat furthest back behind one with their full group and one with just him and Gideon. She was still satisfied with her permanent presence and surprised by the seemingly random picture of him with Nissa. Jace looked joyful in all of them. Chandra parked herself on the double bed – appreciating having a friend that would see nothing scandalous or inviting in a girl appearing on his bed under the moonlight with displays of affection.

“Wassup?”

“I was feeling kinda’ overwhelmed at the new house. Thought I would…” _Ya know what? Fuck this_. “I’m here to talk to you.”

“What did I do this time?” It was never too clear when Jace was being sarcastic.

“I don’t know why you’re acting so closed of or why you’re not showing up to class, but we’re going to figure it out and neither of us are going anywhere until we do.”

Chandra’s frankness in emotional situations usually shocked and they were best for a setting like this where there was no one else around to try and stop her, but Jace only seemed confused by it. “Do you think I don’t know what’s wrong?”

She felt guilty about seemingly insulting him. “Well, then what are you doing hiding out in here and not talking to anyone?” Chandra liked to pretend this wasn’t a grossly hypocritical question. She believed that if you had a problem you could identify, it was silly not to fix it. Her emotional problems were typically abstract and didn’t have a clear solution which she used as an excuse to do absolutely nothing about it.

“Because avoiding people is helping the problem.”

“Come on, Jace. We both know communication is helpful when you’re struggling.” _Unless whatever you’re struggling with is having feelings for someone that you’d rather kill yourself then have anyone find out about them._ “I know sometimes Gideon can be hard to talk to, but maybe you could talk to me. Fucked up friends for life?”

He found that amusing which was a good start as far as Chandra was concerned, but she wasn’t expecting it to work, so when Jace began to open up, she wondered if her words had the same spark to them that looking at her trophy box had. “I’m just having a hard time being around people right now.”

“Boy oh boy can I relate to that though I doubt it’s for the same reasons.”

“I’ve been feeding of people’s emotions more than normal.” Poker faces had little effect on Jace with his ability to read emotions being on a borderline telepathic scale. Chandra hadn’t factored that in when she disagreed with his assessment that Narset was constantly on edge and wondered if he had seen something they hadn’t. “I know Nissa is freaked out about what’s going down back on Zendikar, Gideon has been antsy about something for as long as I can remember and you’ve been stressing out hard.” _All these people worrying about Jace not talking to us and we’re doing the same thing._ “I guess it’s the whole your mom getting remarried and stuff.” His discomfort was now expressed by looking at the floor. “I hate complaining about it though. Feels like I’m just telling you not to be sad for my sake.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty. Maybe if I had my own shit together, I wouldn’t be weighing on you this hard.”

“Well, what is going on with you?”

_He opened up to me. I guess I gotta give him something_. “A lot of stuff, I guess. Had a panic attack the other day, so that was fun.”

“Oh shit. A bad one?” He was making eye contact again. They had both learned from the same intro psych course that a therapist must look you in the eye and remain still, so that was the dynamic he was trying to create.

“It was pretty rough.”

“Like as bad as the ones you were getting when we met?”

“No, it wasn’t that bad.” She was replaying her incident in the stairwell and felt the need to correct herself, “maybe almost?”

“You going to do something about it? Did you talk to Pia?”

“No,” she mumbled in a smarmy voice like a busted child. _This is not going how I had planned_.

“So you came all up in here to give it to me for not confronting my problems which are seriously not a big deal and then you tell me this?” _He’s starting to sound worried_. “Why haven’t you talked to her yet?”

“I don’t want to make her feel like shit. She’ll think it’s the whole getting married thing that set me off.”

“You’re right, she probably will and she’ll feel guilty and she’ll still be glad you told her because she’s a great mom. If you want to help me, take care of yourself.”

Chandra gave him a noncommittal nod. “Are you really okay?”

“I get spells like this sometimes. This one is just lasting a little longer than normal.” Jace got up and to bring this moment around full circle with Chandra’s reminiscing, he grabbed her hand. “I’m okay. You don’t need to worry.” Chandra bought what he was selling and the room seemed to get a little cooler when she felt her body relax a little.

“We all thought you were rattled by your thing with Narset.”

Jace snickered. “Oh, her? Whatever. Nothing can happen there anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Just a feeling.” Chandra would have accepted this answer if Jace hadn’t paused for a few seconds as if he had tried and failed to compile an explanation. _He looked up to his right. Is that what people do when they’re lying or is it left? Or was that all just fake science? I really need to pay more attention in class._ Whatever the case, Chandra was suspicious but felt she had pried enough and him not caring about getting nowhere with a girl he liked was typical for him. _Even if he doesn’t care, it would have been nice for him to get someone._

“Well, I guess at this point, I’m pretty sure we’re all just going to die single.” Jace wasn’t as amused by this as Chandra thought he’d be _._ Her point wasn’t unjustified though. Between the four of them, the only one you had any experience with relationships was Gideon and that was only because he could only turn down so many people before getting suckered by guilt.

Nissa’s singleness was also a matter of choice on her point - she went on record that even if she found another asexual person that she meshed with, she still might not want to bother. Jace and Chandra however were just hopeless. “If you’re really not struggling, why wouldn’t you talk to Gideon about it? He’s been really worried.”

“Because he never asked.”

Chandra rolled her eyes. “That stupid boy.” Gideon had done wonders establishing a relationship with Jace that discouraged toxic masculinity, but he didn’t fully respect how hard habits are to break. Chandra knew how hard it was for her to open up to a guy and couldn’t comprehend how much harder it would be for Jace. “You’d think someone that grew up in a gang and in prison would understand that some people aren’t vocal all the time….You said he’d been bothered by something for a while?”

“Surprisingly, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s not having a hard time with whatever it is. It feels like he just has a mildly itchy bug bite that won’t go away.”

As if summoned, the pizza boy returned and seemed unwilling to interject himself into Chandra and Jace’s meeting, so they went down to greet him, who finally was removing his apron so casually that she was now wondering if it was something you always wore out of the house.

Once Jace’s back was to them, Gideon prompted for some kind of signal about how it went. A solemn expression with a slow nod of approval was the best way she could think of to silently convey that everything isn’t completely okay, but it will be though she immediately realized it may have looked like, ‘he’s dying but he’s come to terms with it,’ so she added a thumbs up.

They ate and chatted together as normal people do; Chandra tried her best to participate but was nagged the entire time by the unofficial agreement she had made to speak to her mother about her recent anxiety episodes. Her only relief came from her rationalizing why she shouldn’t have to do it tonight.

 


	23. Prelude to you Know What

_Jace really thinks me talking to mother will make him feel better. How can I not do it?_ Chandra was fearfully jamming her key through the hole of her new house. It was necessary to open it but she could never shake the feeling that this time was going to be the time it breaks. _This fucking piece of shit house._ To quell her aggravation, she imagined the gif she saw of how keys work and what that would look like with her junky front door.

_I guess I just have to talk to someone, but I don't know anyone else that would have any idea what to do. I could talk to a therapist, but would I rather kill myself than do that? Probably_. The depths of the humour behind that train of thought was not lost on her. _Wait! I could..._

Before she had time to fully articulate that thought to herself, she managed to fling the door open and have her heart stopped by what greeted her.

“Happy birthday!” Liliana wrapped her arms around Chandra which was far too confusing for her to properly enjoy. “I cannot believe you kept this from me. Had it not been for my phone informing me, I would have missed it completely.”

_Is it?_ “I always get this messed up,” Chandra muttered as she tried to pull her wallet out of her egregiously small pocket.

“A big one at that. Nineteen.” _Waddya know. 13_ _th_ _. I'll remember one of these years._

“As far as I'm concerned, I'm 22 and my birthday isn't for another month.”

“Oh, of course.” The tremendous amount of energy was sucked out of Liliana all at once. “My apologies. Until now, everyone in my life had been born here. I forgot about the different calendars.”

“Don't apologize.” Now that Chandra had moved past the daze, she realized how appreciative she was of the false celebration. “If we were on Kaladesh, I probably would have done the....Wait. You thought it was my birthday and my mother wasn't going to do anything for me? What does that say about how you think of her?”

“I thought maybe you did things differently.”

“Ahh, so it's a race thing.”

“No! I...”

“You think Kaladeshins don't know how to party?” Chandra could tell from the building despair that Liliana wasn't getting the joke. “Sorry, I'm messing with you. It was really nice of you to get all excited.” Once she was satisfied that Liliana accepted the apology, something occurred to her. “Where are my mother and your dad anyway?”

“They sent you a message, but mom said your phone would be off. Dad owns some property on the southern island and they need to go do some preparation for selling it. It will only be for a day – maybe two.”

Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but it dawned on Chandra right away that this was the first time the two were home alone together and this made Liliana's gesture feel more intimate despite it being blatantly casual.

“I suppose there was no shame in not being able to get you a present in time. However, I did...” Liliana was skittering to her bedroom as she was saying this and returned with something in her, “get you this.”

It wasn't clear what she was carrying until it was up close at which point it was a distinct and dismal sight. “Whisky?” _Really expensive whisk_

“I looked it up and apparently nothing on Kaladesh even comes close to being as popular, so I thought it might be a good choice.” Like a showcase girl, she highlighted the fact that it had been made on Kaladesh.

“We do love it.” _Dear fucking god whisky is so gross_.

“A hollow gesture at this point, but I already bought it so happy Dominaria birthday for whatever that is worth.”

Pia's unparalleled ability to get her gifts she didn't want prepared Chandra to feign interest, and while she was lamenting having to drink any, receiving any gift from Liliana, no matter how repugnant, would give her butterflies. “Right now, it's worth more than it ever has.” _I don't even care how hokey that sounded._

“Wonderful! We should toast it then.” _Ugh, I guess so_. Chandra nodded her approval before her mind hatched an innocent scheme.

**Author's note: We all know where this is going, so lets just let it go there. In Chandra's defence, her plan wasn't nefarious. Getting tipsy just seemed like the ideal (the only) way to have an enjoyable conversation with Liliana that lasted more than five minutes.**

“We have some nice glasses and some ginger ale we can mix it with.”

Chandra pshawed at the notion and grabbed the bottle from Liliana's hands. “If we're going to drink Kaladeshin whisky, we're going to drink it like Kaladeshins. She twisted off the fine crystal top and took a shot from the bottle that wasn't meant for such barbarism. _It's even worse than I remember._ _So much for growing into it._ The last (and first time) she had tried this was behind her high school and it had been a pretty unpleasant way to spend one of her last nights before moving to Dominaria.

Liliana, on the other hand, had never taken a swig of shitty whisky in a dirty ally while the obnoxious friend of the group poured gasoline on a cricket bat. This was evident by her nervous face that seemed to assume they would get in trouble for doing this despite them both being legal age. If Chandra hadn't noticed an equal part of intrigue in her step sister's expression, she would have dropped the subject. Instead, she held the bottle out like an offering to a goddess.

It didn't take much convincing and Chandra took solace in how unpleasant Liliana also found the drink and wondered if she did any better a job hiding it. When she got the bottle back, she recalled how her last time drinking this filth was also to get close to a girl she liked and the giddy sensation she got by her lips touching the same bottle as her crush. She was far removed from such corruptible innocence now, but was ashamed to find herself wishing she wasn't.

In silent agreement, the two of them sat on the couch as Chandra took another drink which didn't taste as bad as the first and she took in how bad the layout of her new home was for getting drunk. It was a wide open space with the kitchen, dining room and living room existing as one giant open area with no separation aside from a countertop. No walls to lean on and plenty of room to fall over. So far, this was the only fault she had found in it.

“What do people typically do for a birthday on Kaladesh?” On paper, this felt like small talk, but Liliana seemed genuinely interested as she took her second shot which seemed to agree more with her too.

“Cake and ice cream from my experience, but when I left, I was still basically a kid. Thirteen by your years.”

“I just assumed you would take whatever custom and use it here. What do you do for birthdays now?”

“Cake and ice cream, I guess.” As she answered this, Chandra was reminded by a slow, heavy blink how much of a lightweight she was. Still far from even being tipsy but her body knew what was about to go down. “Not a lot of partying when you don't have much in the way of friends.” The pitiful nature of this comment inspired another sip.

“I can relate to that.”

Something Chandra didn't learn until she was out of high school was that beautiful, charming people can get lonely too and she was admiring how much of both of those Liliana was. _Look at that dress she's wearing. It's so cute. My god, did she put it on for this?_ _What a sweet girl. Not like you, ya perv_.

It didn't take long for them to progress to the point of slurring speech and uncomfortable warmth. “So, like, you s...said you went to Tarkir, right?”

“Yes...Yes, I did that.”

“Have you just been everywhere?” Chandra found herself in that income bracket where they could afford to travel, but Pia's job that granted them that money kept her busy enough that it was hard to do so and anytime they did have the chance, they would just visit Kaladesh, which Chandra approved of, but she was still curious about other planes.

“Welllll.” Liliana finished that thought by batting Chandra's hand. “Let me something. Let me show you something.” She got up and zigzaged to her room and when it was clear she wasn't coming back, Chandra went after her – satisfied with the success of her plan and the nice time they were having.


	24. You Know what

Liliana's bedroom was intimidating. An entire wall was covered roof to floor with books: textbooks, notebooks, novels, biographies – everything you would find in a library 200 years ago. The opposite wall held two beautiful paintings that Chandra would not have been surprised if Liliana had painted them, and the curtains matched her bedding perfectly in both gorgeous colour and satisfying materials. _You can take the aristocrat out of the abbey but you can't take the abbey out of the aristocrat._

“Please turn off the light and behold.” Shrugging in agreement, Chandra flipped the light switch while eyeing the projector Liliana was fiddling with. The room was only dark for a second when a bright light shone up from the ground and illuminated the ceiling with an image. It was a map, though she had no idea what of.

“Pillow for pillow, for you I mean. Pillow for me.” Liliana tossed two on to the floor. “Lay back and I will show you.”

“Show me what?” Chandra was frustrated at the fact that she had no idea what was going on.

Liliana laughed like it was a stupid question “All the everywhere I have been.” Dropping to the floor, Liliana ordered Chandra to do the same by slamming her hand against the empty pillow.

Chandra was just happy to have an excuse to lay down, though she felt guilty about her sluggishness. She had been doing her best to keep track and Liliana had drank more than her and was still lively.

“This is a planar map, Chandra. It is a chart of all the planes we know of.”

“Damn, son,” she muttered in awe. It looked like nothing more than an articulate spread of dots, but Chandra was still impressed with the concept. What was significantly more impressive was when Liliana clicked a button and the image was replaced by an elaborate projection of a rotating globe that illuminated the room with beautiful, soft colours. _It's probably the hooch talking, but this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen._

“This is Innistrad. We would go here all the time when I was a child. It is so beautiful.” Lights in the projection were fluctuating to highlight select areas. “That,” she enthusiastically and needlessly pointed toward the brightest spot, “is Stes... Stensia, where we would stay. No matter where you are on Innistrad, the moon is nearly as bright as the sun, but Stensia is the highest, highest place and people...People say from there, the moon shines as bright as silver.”

“Sounds amazing.”

“Dad's friend Sorin would tell us scary stories, so when Josu and I would lay out in the middle of the night, I would make him hold my hand so we could run away together when the werewolves and ghosts came. They never did.” She interrupted herself with a drunken snicker. “I do miss that.”

Chandra had an instinct that she withheld with all her coherence – to grab Liliana's hand and give her what she was pining for, but Chandra's wants and restraints were made irrelevant when she felt long, slender fingers wrap around her own. Her heart rate shot up and she had to vow on her life to focus solely on Liliana's words.

Darkness engulfed the room for an instant and a new globe was in front of them. “Eldraine....” Liliana said this with as much glee as she had announced Innistrad, but seemed uninterested in going further.

“Never even heard of it.” While this was true, Chandra only said it as a prompt.

“I spent a few months there, but if I tell you about it, I know you are just going to laugh at me.”

“What could you have possibly done?”

“I was thirteen when I lived there and I suppose.... you could say I had a boyfriend.”

Chandra took some pride in not being jealous of some thirteen year old boy being in some faux relationship with Liliana. “That's cute as hell. Why would I laugh at that?”

As it turned out, Liliana was right and Chandra wished she hadn't taken a drink right after asking that because the response, that was accompanied by a grin, “he was a prince” created a harmony of cackling and choking.

“Like an actual prince? His parents were a king and queen?” She was too amused to worry about the whisky dribbling down her chin.

“Yes!”

Liliana didn't seem too offended by the mocking, but Chandra still took on the difficult task of calming her laughter and celebrated the achievement by taking a shot to replace the last one falling out (despite having swallowed 90% of it). “I'm sorry, but that's the most basic rich girl thing I've ever heard.”

“I was going to tell you all the amazing things about Eldraine, but now you can just forget it.” Liliana – seemingly accidentally – pressed the toggle button again and it grabbed Chandra's attention.

“Zendikar...” She had spun the globe in Nissa's room enough times to recognize it instantly.

“Where Nissa is from, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Such an amazing place. So lovely.”

“You should tell her that. She likes hearing it, though it might make her homesick.”

“Why did her family leave?”

“Fuckin FASCISTS!” In a violent gesture, Chandra knocked the whisky bottle over. Nothing spilling out as a result was a good indicator of how much they had drank already.

Looking over at Liliana, her intoxication was starting to show through her struggle to find a proper blinking rhythm. It lasted a while and when she figured it out, all she could muster was, “what?” It was an uncharacteristically unsophisticated sequence. 

“Some fuckin asshole fascists are trying to take it over. Just when I gottem off my plane, some other shitheads go to hers.”

“Fuck....Chandra.” Liliana turned and started making chaotic eye contact. “If anyone ever tries to hurt your home again, I will defend it with my life.”

“So the prince kissing debutante thinks she's a soldier does she?”

“Do think I am incapable of fighting?”

“Well, you are pretty fucking jacked, but war is war, man....War! I'm not sure you've got the stuff.”

“I would still try! For mom and for...” Liliana reached up and planted her finger on Chandra's nose, “and for you.”

“Then we'll ffffuck em up together.” Chandra reacquired the whisky bottle, “to freedom on Kaladesh!” She took a shot and when Liliana reciprocated, it was clear how far into excess they were. Based on how blurry everything was, it was hard to tell if the fluctuating lights in the room were a result of Liliana toggling through her maps, or Chandra's own heavy eyes, but eventually she felt a push against her side and a direction to look back up.

No amount of drunk could prevent Chandra from recognizing her own home and seeing it in such a dramatic way brought the odd sensation of wanting to laugh and cry simultaneously. “I would like to go sometime, with you,” Liliana whispered.

“I'm sure mother would love the idea of a family vacation.”

“I suppose they could come, but I want to see it through your eyes....What is it like?”

“Beautiful.” Describing it in it's fullest would be difficult, even when sober, but as far as Chandra was concerned, no single word defined it more than that and nothing deserved the word more than Kaladesh. “It's so bright – the sky, the water, the buildings. No matter where you are, no matter how bad things get, you can look in any direction and find something to warm you up inside. Sunsets on one of the beaches just outside the city.... I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch one of those with you.” _Fuck, I could have phrased that way better._

“I cannot think of anything more enjoyable than that either.” Out of the corner of her eye, Chandra could see Liliana glancing at her. _Do hot people get more attractive when you're drunk, cause I swear...You should change the subject before you say anything even dumber._

“Have you ever been to Vryn or Theroes? That's where Jace and Gideon are from.”

“Unfortunately, no. So that means you are all immigrants then?”

“Hell yeah! We actually all came here around the same time. That's how we formed our squad. Mrs Whatshername was like, 'you're all portal brats, you should be friends,' or something like that.”

“That is so sweet. You had each other all through high school then?”

“Just about.”

“I wonder,” she said quite deviously. “There must have at least been the pretenses to a relationship somewhere in there. Somewhere within the four of you.”

“Welllll”

“Please tell me it was Jace and Gideon.”

“Fuck, I wish. How perfect would that be?”

“So perfect!”

“I guess iwas... a little bit in love with Nissa for a while.” _Or a lotta bit_ Chandra realized she had thought the last part to herself but winked outloud.

“How cute. It sounds like she did not feel the same way though.”

“Nah. She told me she was asexual so it wouldn't work.”

“Do asexual people not date? I was under the impression that they do.”

“Yeah, but she said we would want different things out of a relationship. At the time I was like, 'naah, I'd be okay,' but in hindsight, maybe not. I'm glad we didn't try.”

“Does mom know?”

“That I was in love with Nissa?”

“Just you being gay in general.”

“Bi, actually and no. She wouldn't care, but there's no need for it and I'm sure she would have found lots of ways to accidentally embarrass me by now.”

“Of course.” Liliana seemed impressed. “As long as she is unaware, you could bring girls to your room and close the door without any questions. Very clever.”

“I hadn't even thought of that.” Chandra was impressed by the idea despite how irrelevant it was. “Not exactly a lot of girls interested in being alone in a room with me. Or boys for that matter.”

“I change my mind. You are not very clever.”

“Ruuude.”

“Last week, our classes TA was trying to get your attention and you were oblivious. If you were unable to see or even believe that, what else...What else might you be missing? There must be people lining up to be with you, but you just attract the type that are hesitant to make the first move.

“Well maybe they should stop be such fucking cowards then.”

“I agree. There is nothing worse than someone too scared to seize the day.” In Chandra's perfect world, this would be a signal from Liliana to make a move, but she knew better. What she didn't know was that they lived in an even perfecter world – one in which Liliana was now carefully mounting her and stating with overwhelming and subtle force, “and I am anything but a coward.” Before Chandra's heart even had a chance to give out, she felt a soft pair of lips against hers.

This felt like one of those moments that you'd look back on and say, 'I wish it could have gone on forever,' but it seemed to be doing just that. Chandra expected Liliana to pull herself off right away – realizing her mistake or revealing it was all some joke, but that gentle kiss had become a tongue running along her lips that she desperately wanted more of.

She tried to encourage Liliana's with her own but was denied in favour of the incredible sensation of having her lip nibbled on with intermittent firm bites. Liliana was running her hand through Chandra's hair while she did this and every time she sunk her teeth in, her grip tightened. They were perfect sensations of lust that stopped just short of painful as if Liliana was simultaneously whispering 'I love you' and 'I need to fuck you' into her ear.

Their embrace ended, but barely. Liliana had only drifted slightly – licking Chandra's cheek and chin as if she were tasting the whisky that been dripping out oven the evening and whatever part of Chandra's mind that wasn't overwhelmed with pleasure considered how bad their breaths must smell and how neither of them even noticed.

_Even that's turning me on? You nasty little..._ Chandra finally broke her silence when she let out a moan. Drunken coordination may have been the reason Liliana's thigh slid between Chandra's legs, but it wouldn't explain why it was ever so slightly moving up and down.

Liliana (correctly) took this whine as an instruction to keep going and no longer wishing to remain a passive participant in all this, Chandra pressed her hand to the back of Liliana's head and used it and a series of whimpers to show what parts of her neck and collar she was most sensitive though now nerves were starting to set in her insecurities starting butting heads with her pleasure.

Outside of sporadically watching porn and hokey fashion magazines, Chandra had no idea what other people wanted in these situations and she was pretty sure those sources weren't too reliable. _Dude, shut up! She's clearly having fun too, right?_ Any doubt she had in that regard was quieted quickly as Liliana brought her lips back closer to Chandra's, she looked down and saw the fingertips of Liliana's idle hand were inside her own waistband. _Was she just..._

Their cheeks grazed and Liliana whispered Chandra's name sweetly into her ear, chewed on it a few times and brought herself back up. Two of the fingers from the hand that had Chandra's imagination racing were pressed up against her lips. “I want to show you exactly how desirable you are.”

Both of Liliana's hands slowly slid down to Chandra's sides and in a single motion, pushed her pants down and shirt up a few centimetres and she felt taken over completely by the firm, warm grip that was slowly pulling her top up. As her breathing intensified knowing this train wasn't slowing down, an angel on her shoulder interrupted her with a nagging voice.

_What are you doing? Every part of you wants this, but how much of her does? She is the one that got on top of me and kissed me and has been doing all of this with almost no encouragement._ Most people in this situation would beg their partner, 'don't stop' but Chandra went in a similar yet opposite direction.

“Stop!”

They had gone from having trouble keeping their eyes open to forgetting how to blink as they peered into each other. To the best of Chandra's understanding, she thought Liliana looked perplexed and she couldn't blame her. _I really doubt many people say no to her, especially after progressing this far_ , but then the expression changed to one of panic and Chandra felt some of her own in turn. _She's about to freak out. She just realized what she's done, what I tricked her in to doing and she is going to freak the fuck out._

This was an incorrect assessment. Chandra had guessed the alarm in Liliana's wide eyes, but not for the right reason. Following a timely change in where Liliana's eyes, and more importantly her mouth faced, she proceeded to let out entirely too much vomit. Seemingly unphased by throwing up and everything else that had happened in the past five minutes, she snickered. “Oh dear. It is a good thing this house has no carpeting. I suppose I better clean this up.” Like an infant's first steps, she crawled away, periodically attempting to stand up until she eventually figured it out and stumbled away.

_I should probably stay to help but that's not happening._ Chandra got up with less difficulty and managed to sneak to her own room before Liliana could return with whatever cleaning concoction her drunken mind found appropriate.


	25. What Could have Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for Chandra, so I decided to give her a treat.

Chandra escaped to her room, stunned by what had just happened. She often found her mind all over the place, but now it was so muddled that she couldn't even concentrate on how desperately turned on she was. On a better and calmer night, she would have stripped off her bottoms and rubbed herself until she passed out, but tonight, she laid still until the whisky drifted her off.

Thankfully, her subconscious felt she deserved a reward for her choosing morality over all her basic urges and blessed her with a dream.

“I know you were nervous in there. Perhaps you thought I was moving too fast.” Liliana was still loose from the whisky, but her commanding presence had returned as she sashayed over to Chandra's bed. 

“Maybe that was part of it. You did catch me by surprise, but....” How dry her mouth had become from nerves made talking more of a struggle than the alcohol had.

Liliana bent over and ran her finger around Chandra's ear before cupping half of her face. “But what? Tell me what worries you, so I can take care of you.”

“It's wrong. You're drunk and you're my sister. I think that if we have sex, you'll wake up regretting it. I can't do that to you.” She blurted this out so fast that it seemed she didn't want to hear herself say it.

“Do you not see the problem? You overthink things and you worry about other people too much. Let me show you how good it feels to let all that go, even if it is just for one night.” She leaned in closer and kissed her, longer this time and more gentle

As much as Chandra liked the rougher stuff, she was enthralled by this tender moment; her stomach loosened and she felt like she could drop her guard and when Liliana finally pulled away just far enough to showcase her tempting eyes, Chandra whispered, “I desperately want this, but I love you too much to risk hurting you.”

Finally taking her place on the bed, Liliana sat across from Chandra and brought her lips in, just out of reach as if she was daring her. Against all instinct, Chandra refused to take the bait which prompted soft words grazing against her skin. “I love you too. Just lay back and let me show you.”

Chandra wasn't given much choice by the firm grip on her shoulder pushing her on to her back or the tight clasp around her wrists which soon felt gentle in comparison to teeth sinking in all over her neck. She got the sense she was being marked as if Liliana wanted to shamelessly showcase her authority over her. “Liliana, are you really sure this is a good idea?”

“I think the only way this is going to work for you is if we cease these little protests of yours.” Liliana released Chandra and got to her feet again, though this was in no way a part of abandoning the act. She hiked her dress up far enough that Chandra could see her thighs and the lacy black panties sliding past them. Now draped on her finger, she got back on the bed – this time straddling Chandra in a way that kept her arms in place and gently sliding the silk into her mouth to form a gag. “Now you just shut up and enjoy this.”

The effort needed to break free was way less daunting at this point than finding the willpower to even try. Chandra once again felt the strong, hot grip on her side, but this time, there was nothing slow or suspenseful about Liliana discovering everywhere past her hips and her shirt was fully lifted, giving Liliana's hands and eyes complete access. 

Chandra knew her heaving chest was completely giving away how excited she was which made her feel even more exposed than the circles being gently drawn around her nipple. The cheeky grin on Liliana's face as she watched the sensation building in her was overpowering and it made her realize how easily she would give in to any demand. This feeling of weakness drove her to tilt her head back as if breaking eye contact would return any sense of authority.

“Uh-uh.” Liliana pulled Chandra's head back into place and without breaking her gaze, leaned over and started kissing her chest, focusing on where she was most sensitive. “Without being able to look into those beautiful eyes, how am I supposed to know how much fun you are having?” Following the question, Chandra felt a gentle bite and instinctively crossed her eyes in pleasure as if commanded. She couldn't bring herself to disobey an order and as aggravating as it was, she refused to let her stare wander. 

To Chandra's surprise, one of her arms had been freed and her fingers were intertwining with Liliana's. “Such delicate fingers. I know just what to do with these.” Hiking her dress up with one hand, she used the other to lead Chandra's hand between her bare thighs that were already wet in anticipation and guided a single finger until it was inside her. 

Through a stifled moan, Liliana maintained her composure and grinned at Chandra. “Do I feel good?” Nodding fervently, Chandra felt a rush as the finger that was circling inside Liliana became linked with another and was encouraging her to thrust slowly and deeply. “I am so pleased with you. You would never dare say no to me now.”

Chandra tried to muffle out a no, though she could tell it wasn't clear. She opted instead to nod to confirm her obedience, but her neck was slow to turn due to the hand that was placed on it. It didn't hurt much and she wasn't choking but the pressure against her windpipe was making breathing and focusing difficult. Her entire body was under Liliana's control now and all that mattered was pleasuring her. 

Seemingly disagreeing, Liliana pulled Chandra out of her. “Not bad, but you seem shy about fucking me. I bet you are much bolder when you touch yourself.” In a swift and forceful notion, Liliana got up, grabbed Chandra's bedside table and dropped it in front of her full length mirror. Before Chandra could assess the situation, she was lifted up and wrapped around Liliana until she was placed in front of her reflection, watching her shirt get taken off completely. 

As it went over her head, Chandra tried to loosen the gag. There was no need for it now. She was done protesting and wanted to vocalize how much fun she was having, but Liliana caught on and stopped her – forcing the panties back in. “No talking yet. You have to earn that by giving me a little show. Both of us are going to watch you pleasure yourself. Once you are about to cum, spit it out and call out as loud as you can.”

Ready and willing, Chandra pulled her pants and underwear down. She was prepared for blind obedience though she hadn't foreseen such a vulnerable act that had her completely naked, not only watching herself rubbing her clit with one hand and fingering herself with the other, but watching Liliana, still fully dressed, watching her. Multiple times throughout, she had to fight the urge to look away. Liliana wouldn't like it if she did. 

This was an odd concept for Chandra. She had plenty of experience pleasuring herself, but she had never considered what she looked like doing it and to her surprise, it was an impressive sight. Her toes curling up and down, her body going from rigid to floppy every time she gave herself a deep thrust and the way she bit on her tongue as it stuck out of her mouth ever so slightly – it was all so raw and genuine and she loved how much Liliana was enjoying herself seeing her like this.

Her buildup must have been apparent because as she was getting closer, Liliana began kissing her neck and groping her, increasing her intensity as Chandra edged closer and closer. Feeling just about ready to burst, she managed to force her gag out and with impressive volume, began calling out, “I'm gon - “ 

Before Chandra could finish her sentence, or her orgasm, Liliana pulled her arms out from under her to stop her from a particularly intense release. “Do you think I would let you do that before I even got a chance to enjoy you?” She finally dropped her dress to show off the entirety of her body which was simultaneously overwhelming in its beauty and undermining in how it compared to Chandra's who decided she couldn't care less. 

After circling around her, Liliana dropped to her knees. “Do not even think about taking your eyes off that mirror.” She wanted to disobey, to be able to watch Liliana in her full glory do what she was about to do, but as Chandra felt light, slow kisses up and down her thighs, while she continued looking into her own eyes, the plan seemed clear and Liliana confirmed it. “We tried you being quiet but now I want to hear you scream. If you do not moan every dirty thought that comes to mind, you do not get to cum.”

This meant Chandra was not only stuck seeing herself squirm in pleasure as she was eaten out, but now she had to watch every desperate plea. Liliana was on her knees ready to pleasure her and she somehow felt more powerless than ever. After an eternity of teasing, she let out her first, “oh, fuck” of many as she felt a tongue crawl up to her clit before Liliana gave it one long suck.

“I forgot to mention. No cumming without permission.”

“Then do me a favour and don't be so fuuhhhh...fucking good at that.” Chandra was already having a hard time keeping a grip on herself. She had gotten so close already and if Liliana hadn't waited a bit to begin working her magic, Chandra probably wouldn't have been able to last more than a minute. She had been granted a bit more time, but watching Liliana's back muscles indicate how enthusiastically she was being devoured was going to make things difficult.

“Please, please keep going slow like that.” Chandra was determined to abandon her filter through her laboured gasps, even if she thought it sounded silly – she didn't care and it was unlikely Liliana did either. “God, I fucking love this. You...” Liliana was now focusing entirely on slow, long sucking motions which felt amazing and created a sensational view of her head bobbing. “You look perfect doing that.” 

As the incredible sensation was enhanced by the occasional break to give one single lick up her entirety, Chandra could feel one final buildup and latched on to the back of Liliana's head. “Can I please cum?” She waited for a response, but was getting nothing so she pleaded with desperation, “please, Liliana, please just let me...Oh fuck!” Chandra tried her best but couldn't hold out and felt terrible about it. The most intense orgasm she ever had was accompanied by loud, repetitive pleas of, “I'm sorry!” 

Liliana brought her head back up and kissed her, hard. “I forgive you. I expect a better job next time though.”


	26. Darkness at the End of the Tunnel

_Oh god._

The morning after. There would come a day that she would be able to look back on fondness with the dream she just woke up from, but now all she could feel was dread

The few times Chandra had gotten drunk, she was blessed with no ill effects – nothing resembling a hangover and never forgetting a moment which was, on this morning, anything but favourable and she would have taken a headache and nausea to pretend last night hadn't happened. _Maybe if I lay here in silence for a few days, everything will fix itself somehow._

Fate's cruelty was proven by a knock at the door as soon as she finished that thought. Chandra let out an overly dramatic yet quiet sigh. _Seriously?_ “Yeah?”

Liliana, with one eye shut and the other cowering from the light, slowly shuffled in and muttered, “do you know if one of us threw up last night?”

_Holy shit. Either she really doesn't remember or she's faking it. Either way, I get to pretend it never happened._ She did her best to imitate her hungover drinking companion, “I don't know. I don't remember anything after we started.” Chandra considered pretending to remember beginning to look at the planar chart, but figured any sort of hint would bring it all back to Liliana.

“You mean when you had the brilliant idea of drinking straight from the bottle?”

“Uhhh, yeah. Why do you ask?”

“I must have attempted cleaning it up. My hands have a hint of bleach powder smell on them and my room smells like chlorine. It was favourable luck that I had the wits to sleep on the couch or I might have suffocated.”

Now feeling guilty about not sticking around to help clean, Chandra reassured herself that it was all okay because no one got hurt. This reminded her that the first thing she heard Liliana say (outside of a dream) was complaining about a mess her sink had made and this got her thinking. _I wonder if she even knows how to clean stuff_. “I can help you deal with it.”

“Thanks, but there is no need. It seems I finished whatever it was I started. The room just needs to air out so I am going back to the couch.” Stumbling and groaning in her zombified state, Liliana left to lay in misery in their living room.

The moaning of dull pain was the trigger that set Chandra down a guilt spiral. _This is all my fault. I got her drunk, egged her on with my 'I'm so lonely' bullshit, might as well have pulled her on top of me. I could have stopped her but I just laid there, looking her right in the eye while I took advantage of her._ Chandra got up, inspected herself in the mirror in an entirely different way than in her dream and told herself off further. _You're scum. You are worthless scum and all you do is make everyone's lives worse._

She wanted to hit the mirror, but she paused, remembering what she had been worrying about before the drinking started. _You promised Jace you'd get some help. Maybe stop being useless for one day and actually do something for someone else_.

Pia was still away and even if she weren't, Chandra wasn't too thrilled with the idea of dumping her anxiety problems on her mother. Someone else had some idea of what she was going through and that would have to suffice though she lamented the idea of having to leave the house. She may not have been hungover, but that didn't mean she was in the mood to go anywhere. _If you don't do it today, you probably never will_

The mission now was leaving her room but milling about getting ready wasn't what Chandra wanted to be doing. Cowering in her room was one thing, but wandering around would require walking past Liliana multiple times, forcing her to fixate on her guilt and risking triggering a memory, so she put herself together in the quickest way she could (the five minutes she spent brushing her teeth aside). Splash face with cold water and put on closest available clean outfit – a shirt with the Leaking Spire (symbol of the rebels) that she made herself in home ec and a knee length skirt with ghosts on it.

Liliana caught her as she walked to the door. “Do you have class today?”

“No. I just have something to go take care of.”

“I suppose I will just have to do enough sleeping all day for the both of us.” Chandra wanted to say something encouraging but she heard a snore within a second of Liliana's silence.

 

* * *

 

Chandra's fist was suspended, building up the will to knock on the door in front of her. How badly she wanted to stay in her room was nothing compared to how desperately she wanted it now. In her angst driven haste to get ready, she had forgotten to take her medication, put on deodorant or even underwear. Physically and mentally, she was the definition of a mess. _I've come this far._

“Chandra, dear!” Rashmi greeted her with jubilation and looking more beautiful than usual. On a better day, she would have enjoyed it but now she found the presentation condescending and had her feeling increasingly bashful about how she was put together. “Sit sit sit.”

Taking a seat in the familiar chair, Chandra realized this was the third time she had come to see Rashmi which was more office visits than the entirety of all her other teachers put together and as she was thinking about that, Rashmi revealed having the same thought. “I didn't think anyone would come to see me, let alone three times. I guess I'm lucky to have such a nice teacher's pet.”

This statement made Chandra giddy and she had to stifle a legit giggle. The appreciation didn't come from being called pet or anything else seedy; she was just happy at the idea of someone she respected being this excited to see her and it made Chandra realize the light she was being viewed in. Rashmi wasn't like the other people in her life – the ones that knew the moody teenage version of her In this office, she was the girl that left Kaladesh, a rebel and a soldier. She was feeling stronger than she had in a long time.

“I guess I just like having you around.” Chandra spoke with a confidence level a league above the same woman that made an inappropriate joke about her own body in their previous encounter

Rashmi seemed to be hiding a sense of smugness but there was no doubt she was pleased. “That's very sweet, but I doubt you came here just to tell me that.”

“No, you're right.” On a good day, Chandra wasn't great with words and was much worse if those words were particularly personal, so she needed time to put it all together. Rashmi looked into her patiently with her joyful eyes.

“I've been going through some stuff lately and I thought it would be nice to talk to someone about it.” No one could have been more surprised by Chandra's forwardness more than herself. Moments before entering the office, she would have bet that she'd wuss out and bail in the first five minutes, but now, a slight gesture from Rashmi was all she needed to carry onward. “You probably knew I had anxiety when I was younger.” Rashmi nodded in agreement. “It never totally went away, but it was a lot better for a long time.... It's been getting pretty rough lately.”

“And you feel like a fool for having that anxiety?”

“Like a fool?” Chandra wasn't sure where her teacher was coming from, but she was curious.

“You were in a war, living about as bad a life as one can. Relative to then, your life now is a paradise and despite that, you're still suffering and you hate how little sense that makes.”

Likely referring to herself in that monologue, Rashmi's words still gave Chandra some introspection. For all she knew about mental health on an objective level, she wondered, _how many times have I tried to dismiss my own anxiety on the grounds that it could be worse? More than a few times_.

Within moments, she wished Rashmi hadn't let her stew for a few seconds when she went down a trail of thought she didn't like. As with most of her problems, Chandra considered how she was perceived by others. _Is this why I've been hiding it from mother? I keep saying it's because I've been the cause of enough stress lately, but I've always kept her in the dark about this stuff. How could I tell her I'm having anxiety in this amazing world she's given me, after all we've...After all she's been through?_

“I guess I never even thought of it like that.” Chandra could feel her head start to droop. “Sounds like you have though.”

The aura of enjoyment seemed to refuse to leave Rashmi's expression. “Oh, yes. I've spent lots of time thinking about it. So has Pia, I'm sure.”

Chandra reflexively took offence at the idea that her mother would be as weak minded as she is but recognized the irrationality behind the thought quickly enough to censor herself, despite still not believing it. “I never think about you guys being weak like this.”

Sliding to her side, Chandra recalled Liliana's comment about inappropriate touching as she felt Rashmi's hand on her leg. She was in no mood to be touched by anyone and was feeling antsy from the sensation. Initially, Chandra wrote it off as feeling self conscious about how unclean she felt but quickly realized there was more to it. The contact was taking her back to last night when she poisoned her sister, held her hand and tricked Liliana into doing what she did.

_Do you think you deserve to be close to someone after last night?_ “It's not weakness. It's just being human. The real strength comes from confronting pain, not burying it away. You've got problems going on at home and it's okay to feel anxious about it.”

“There's nothing going on at home worth getting anxious about though.” Chandra immediately realized how fitting a response that was, but her words were genuine to the best of her self-awareness.

“We both know that's untrue. Your mother got remarried, and to someone you're not entirely happy about.”

“Well, yeah, but” -

“I know how much your father meant to you and no matter what Jovi or Pia say, he is, even if it's in a small way, being replaced.” Chandra wanted to protest as she was fairly confident she didn't believe this, but she was too enveloped by the look on Rashmi's face, like she had something to say but wasn't sure she should, almost as if she had just thought of an offensive joke and was trying to read the room. Unfortunately for Chandra, that's not what it was. “The feelings you have for your....Lab partner can't be helping either.”

How could someone in Chandra's position find the charisma to object to such a blunt truth, while she still felt like she could taste those whisky soaked lips and feel the overwhelming grip of pleasure on her sides. Even so, the daunting task of having to hide the truth was overshadowed by learning someone had figured it out.

All she could do was stammer, so Rashmi answered the first question she assumed Chandra would ask. “My life's work has been in observation, Chandra. I've gotten quite good at it. I see how flustered you get around her.”

An exhausted sigh summed up Chandra's opinion on the turn this conversation had taken. “Fine, she's attractive, but I don't have any feelings about it.”

Rashmi leaned in as close – just far enough away for Chandra not to feel breath on her cheek. This felt tense enough but wasn't anywhere near as uncomfortable as having her head pet as if she were a child needing soothing. “There's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm surprised you haven't even told your mother you're gay.”

“I'm not gay. I...” This was a reflex that Chandra wished she had ignored as she couldn't care less about getting into the subject of her bisexuality.

Discomfort had progressed as Chandra felt Rashmi's hand slide down and cup her face. “You don't need to hide from me. This is a judgment free room.”

“That's not what I...” Chandra was getting agitated. _This isn't what I came here for. I just wanna go home._ This seemed a good a time as any to wriggle Rashmi's hand off to easier pretend to check the time on her phone. In a tone appropriate for getting out of a situation without rubbing the wrong way, she said, “thanks for listening, Rashmi, but I've gotta go. Class starts soon.” When she tried to stand, Chandra was pulled back down by a grip on her wrist. It wasn't painful, but she recognized it as the kind of vise a cop not concerned about hurting someone they've detained.

“Come on, dear. You don't have a class to get to.” Chandra didn't like people reading her mind. “Stay and we'll work through this.” _She'll probably get pretty offended if I double down on the lie. Lets just ride this out_. “I've always known – that you were gay that is.”

This time, Chandra didn't care to protest. She was more interested in one word responses. “How?”

Rashmi rocked back and forth in excitement with her secret as if she'd been holding on to it and was deciding how to finally let it out. “I saw how flustered you got around me when you were little,” she said with restrained excitement.

_Surely this can't get any worse,_ thought Chandra five minutes ago. A world where the worst part of this conversation being outed about her feelings for Liliana seemed pretty good all of a sudden. She had to say something and playing dumb seemed like the only option. “I'm not sure what you're getting at.”

“Oh, don't worry, dear. I thought it was cute.” Now Rashmi's lips were pursed by what seemed to be an even bigger secret – one she wasn't sure she should share and Chandra wished she hadn't. “But imagine my surprise when I found you all grown up and still getting that way when you saw me.”

“Well. I....I'm still a kid, really.”

“Nonsense. You're a woman now. A mature, lovely woman.” Chandra felt a sensation that was subtle enough to give it plausible deniability – her skirt being slid up, no more than a few centimetres. She wanted to scream 'stop' but felt that overly dramatic. Still, that was all she could hear in her head so no other response could be formed.

“It really is nice to having you come to visit me. I have been lonely since I left home. I get a sense you're lonely too, and I think that's why you keep coming to see me. You don't need to feel alone here.” Chandra, at a slack jawed loss, was getting too overwhelmed to reply; her stomach was knotted tighter than a noose, her mouth had dried up like a desert and she wanted to throw up as Rashmi kissed her.

Chandra was motionless. Her eyes didn't waiver, her body was rigid and she didn't return the kiss that didn't last long, but she was also silent when it ended and Rashmi seemed to take this lack of objection as encouragement. The second kiss was longer, but that's all Chandra could gauge; she was beginning to disassociate, being in the moment just enough to feel a cold hand start to slither up her skirt. The tendrils were on the verge of touching her when Rashmi broke the kiss and whispered arrogantly, “did you do this for me?”

It was unclear how far Chandra's disassociation would let this go, but it wasn't something that needed testing. A loud thud broke Chandra out of her trance and drew Rashmi's attention away. The door had been left slightly ajar and while no one was standing at the entrance, it was clear from the belongings on the floor that someone had been and likely saw what was happening. Whatever circumstances were outside of the office, this was an opportunity to escape while Chandra had enough of her wits to get up and stutter some combination of the words, 'I should probably go.' Rashmi didn't argue.

Compelled to pick up the dropped books, Chandra did in a quick motion and sprinted in whichever direction her autopilot took her.


	27. Lost

Advanced Practice of Biophysics and a book of poems of varying quality. It was enough to give Chandra something to fixate on – nowhere near enough to stop her from fixating on what had just happened, but enough to keep her from freaking out.

_PHYS 308, Applied Biophysics, Section 002 in room C3010 with M. Vig_. Whoever had dropped what must be a very expensive textbook was in this class and Chandra would have offered to run through a plate of glass to find out who it was, _as if it would actually matter_. _They're either the kind of person that would report what they saw, or they weren't. I guess I could leave a note in here asking them to keep their mouth shut._

She decided that might cause more problems than solutions and rode out the rest of the walk to the lost and found, desperately wishing she wore something with a hood. She practically threw the books at the lanky young man working the station, refusing to make eye contact and responded, “the ground” when asked where she found it. Chandra devised a plan for being isolated for the day. Before turning off her phone, she texted Gideon

 

**If anyone asks, I'm with you.**

 

Between a gang and prison, Gideon knew the importance of not asking too many questions and the value in keeping a secret.

 

* * *

There was a train yard not too far from the campus; it was ugly, smelled like a farm and was off any sort of path. If Chandra were still in high school, it would have been the perfect place for students to go to drink or fuck, but she was in university now and there were bars and bedrooms to do that in, so it was deserted and it was where she went if she wanted to be guaranteed privacy. It was also the most industrial spot she'd found in Tolaria West and it gave her a strong, comforting Ghirapur vibe.

_Maybe if I had paid more attention to all those teachers explaining karma to me, I might have been able to avoid this. I'm having a hard time not believing in it right now. Twelve hours after I did what I did to Liliana, I have someone force themselves on me._

_Okay, maybe the karma thing is bullshit, but I still had it coming._

_But even so, I can't believe she'd do that with a student. What if it had been someone else? Would she have done it to someone else though? It's not like she did it for no reason. I was attracted to her and, like a dumb kid, I let it show. Why wouldn't she assume I was interested?_

_Someone like her wouldn't try that unless she was sure they wanted it. That's the only thing that makes sense. She's a hero, she saved our people, saved me. She'd never mean to hurt anyone._

_What now though? How can I be face to face with her after this? I could drop the course, but that would make people suspicious. What would happen if that person reported it? I could deny it happened, but mother would hear about it. I could lie to her, but if it got out that I did, she'd hate me for it_

_I could say it was consensual. If I do that, there'd be no proof I'm lying and it would probably just get everything swept under the rug. Her name doesn't need to be tarnished and I wouldn't have to be the student that was a victim of that. Mother probably wouldn't like that too much either though. She'd probably disappointed in both of us_

_Maybe the person that saw us just won't say anything. Hell, maybe they didn't even see anything and they just dropped their stuff and ran away for no reason._

_That'd be nice._

_I guess the real question is why didn't I stop her? Why'd I just sit there?_

_Don't be stupid, you know why._

_You're a coward._

_Anyone worth a damn would have stood their ground. What was I even doing? It was like I was pretending it wasn't happening. That was the most strength I could muster?_

_You know how much of a coward you are? One of those trains could start moving and even if you really wanted to, not that I necessarily do, you wouldn't have the guts to get in front of it and let it end your sad little life._

_You can't stand up for yourself, you can't control yourself, you can't even kill yourself, so what can you do?_

The only answer Chandra could come up with was to bury her head into her legs and cry.

 

 


	28. Descent Into Madness

All of Chandra's heart and soul was cried away by the time she waddled through her front door. Her mother and Jovi, back from their trip, were sitting on the couch, watching Kaladesh news next to a curled up Liliana. Seeing the rest of her family in such a tender moment gave a tight pull on her already knotted stomach.

“Hey, dear. What were you doing out this late?” Pia turned to face her daughter with exhausted eyes, suggesting they had just gotten in.

Looking back at the crack of door still open, the darkness implied she had been out later than she thought. Chandra would have been unable to wager a guess at the time, but she found that trivial and didn't care when she was as long as she was home. _Mother would trust her with her life. It'd break her heart if she knew what happened._ “I was with Gideon.”

“Let me know where you are next time.” Chandra agreed and tried to move past everyone. “Now, what the heck did you two do last night,” Pia asked looking over at the wretched Liliana.

The knot tightened further as Chandra considered how upset her mother would be if she knew what she had done to Liliana the night before and awed at how much of a disappointment she managed to be in less than a full day. “We were celebrating my birthday,” Chandra said sarcastically, knowing her mother would get a kick out of it too.

“I thought it was on the 19th.”

“Yeah, me too. Anywa” -

Jovi began swatting at his daughter. “You really should be more culturally sensitive.” Liliana, groaning, waving her hand back a few times at her father before folding into herself even tighter.

_She must have drank even more than I thought._ “It's okay. I appreciated the gesture.” An instance of silence was all the encouragement Chandra needed to quickly sneak off to the bathroom where she could take a much needed shower. It was a solemn experience – having no energy left to feel anything other than guilt and a bug bites on her thigh. _This is what I get for sitting in the dirt for hours wearing a skirt._

Sneaking off to bed without incident, Chandra hadn't realized just how exhausted she was and fell asleep within a minute of hitting the pillow.

* * *

“Are you not coming to class?”

Chandra figured Liliana's question must have been rhetorical since she still sitting on her bed in her 'you couldn't pay me to leave the house today, I just want to be left alone pyjamas' – complete with a hole in both legs and on her left cheek. “I'm not feeling too good.”

“Okay, would you like me to get you anything before I leave?”

“Don't worry about it.”

“Alright....Before I come home, I will make sure to photocopy my notes.” There was a hint of concern in her voice. Chandra knew she neither looked nor sounded sick and Liliana had to realize something was off, but it was too late in the morning for her to try and figure it out.

“If it's too much trouble, don't bother.”

“I think I can figure out the photocopier.” Liliana left without another word and Chandra assumed the conversation was over until she quickly reemerged with a mug in her hand, shoving it under Chandra's nose. “It should almost be cool enough to drink.”

This kind gesture ticked Chandra off. She wanted to order Liliana to stop being sweet, but she'd sooner poor the hot drink in her lap than be so unjustifiably rude. “You didn't have to make me anything.” _Maybe she really doesn't remember what happened. If she did, there's no way she'd be acting so nice._

“I made it for myself, but you need it more and now I am going to leave before you have a chance to argue.”

She wanted to do just that, to tell Liliana off, to break the mug. When stressed enough, her impulsiveness shot from careless to reckless and she made a mental note to watch herself.

Liliana was off for real and Chandra was able to take a deep breath through her nose to take in the smell of tea and isolation and sipped carefully. _This is what she thinks almost cool enough to drink is?_ Taking a larger gulp, she marvelled, _what a baby_. Once the tea was finished, Chandra got impatient with stewing on her bed and decided she should at least get up to pee.

Ever so slightly bare assed, Chandra took to drifting through the house, wishing she'd find inspiration, or at least a distraction; as if a wish from a monkey's paw, Jovi greeted her with a “good morning.” Confident she had been home alone, she spasmmed nearly hard enough to fall to the floor.

Her reaction was apparent since Jovi chuckled at it. “Sorry, your mom told me you are a bit jumpy.”

Still reeling and embarrassed, Chandra took the closest seat in order to hide her shame. “I just didn't realize anyone was home.”

Jovi shrugged. “No job to go to.”

“This is the first time I've seen you home during the day.”

“I suppose I do spend most of my days gallivanting around.” He went to go fix himself something to drink and Chandra was eager to see what it would be. She always thought you could tell a lot about a person based on whether they drank tea or coffee. “I will get around to getting one of those job things eventually. Do you think I could figure out how to use a cash register?”

If there was anything Chandra could sniff out like a hound, it was self deprecation. “You don't have to do that....Put yourself down for my sake.”

Waiting for the kettle to boil, Jovi sat across from her at the table. “No, I suppose not.”

She wanted to ask why he did – to pretend she didn't already know the answer. Jovi was a charming and confident man and his mannerisms only seemed meek when talking to her. “I guess that's on me though. I did a shit job at making you feel welcome.”

“You had every right to be defensive. My character references were not stunning and you were just looking out for your mom.”

“Was I though? I have a justified distrust of rich people but you aren't like the Consulate members, or the ones that bribed them or the people that hated the rebels for their financial implications. I think I always knew that and just wanted to be mad.”

There was a look of apprehensive excitement on Jovi's face as if he had been waiting for this conversation his entire life but was expecting the rug to be pulled out. Not intending to do so, Chandra continued, “maybe you made some mistakes in the past, but at least you're owning up to it. Most people don't do that until their death beds, if that.” She had to look away to say something painfully endearing. “You should be proud.”

The glow on Jovi's face could have shone through closed eyes, but Chandra was saved any gushing by the whistle of the kettle – quicker than expected. His choice of plain hot water said something about him, but she had no idea what.

“What are you going to do for work anyway?” She tried an inflection that sounded more curious than judgmental though she wondered if his insecurities around her could ever hear it as anything but mean-spirited.

He didn't return to his seat, choosing to lean on the kitchen counter, lost in thought – finally conceding, “I have no idea. If only I were handsome enough to be a trophy husband.” Were she forced to give her honest opinion, Chandra would say that was objectively incorrect and she wasn't sure if he knew it or not but his joke implied he was nervous about the subject, so she decided to reciprocate.

“Whatever. I'm not good at anything either. We'll figure it out.”

* * *

Waking from a depression nap, the sliver of pride Chandra felt at making Jovi's day better was overtaken with the feeling that someone was watching her – a justified sensation. Liliana was standing over her, giving off a vibe that she had been there a while. Her kind and watchful eyes reapplied the weight of the world to Chandra's chest.

Unapologetic about her creeping, Liliana asked, “are you feeling better?”

“No,” she answered honestly.

“Let me go get you some tea then.” Before Chandra could finish even rolling her eyes, Liliana was back to the kitchen and it felt too rude and awkward to protest from her bed, and she had no will to get up. Liliana returned with a full mug and handed it off gently and cooed, “careful with that.”

The second perceived jab at Chandra's fortitude automatically pushed her into grabbing the mug by the base and taking a full gulp from it. This time, Liliana's warning had been justified and while Chandra's hand and mouth were now burning, she was satisfied with the point she had made.

She didn't even want the tea, but Chandra was even less excited by the small piles of paper Liliana slid on to her lap. She needlessly clarified, “the notes from today.” The first time Chandra took a good look at Liliana's bookshelves, she couldn't figure out why there were so many notebooks but now it made sense. Chandra prided herself for her meticulous note taking and her first thought was still _She got all this from two classes?_ As she glanced at a healthy stack of paper.

“Thanks, but you didn't have to do this.”

“It took almost no time or effort. It would have been rude of me not to.”

Chandra wondered if it would ever not be uncomfortable to have Liliana do nice things for her. _She'll probably get tired of me before that._ Acts of kindness were already awkward enough, but coming from someone she hurt was agonizing. “I'll give you the money for the copies then.” She tried to stand up to find her wallet but was held back.

“Stop worrying. Just take care of yourself.” Once Liliana was satisfied Chandra wasn't going to get up again, she took to excusing herself from the room. “If you need anything, message me, or throw something at the wall. I am going to be in my room studying. We have that physics test next week, in case you forgot.”

Chandra, pretending to skim the notes said, “yeah, I remember.” She lied.

After Liliana left her to, “get better,” Chandra tried to look over the notes but was bogged down by the distraction of her introspection as well as the reappearing itch on her thigh that she was deluded into believing wasn't psychosomatic.

_Maybe going back to class won't be so bad. I'm probably overreacting anyway. All she did was kiss me. I'm just blowing it out of proportion like I do with every other little thing that goes wrong in my life._

For hours, Chandra tried to absorb the notes, tried to pretend she was okay, got angry at herself for failing at both and took minuscule joy in the fact that she had no classes tomorrow which meant no need to come up with an excuse for not going.

* * *

The next day passed uneventfully with Chandra saying and doing little, but the one following that was another day of classes. She had barely slept that night, not for lack of trying, but still managed to be roused by her alarm. Her bag containing everything she'd need for the day was slumped over, across from her

They stared each other down like an old west standoff but when it came time to draw, she remembered that she brought crippling anxiety to a gun fight and took a bullet through the neck. The feeling of dread that she was becoming all too familiar with began to overwhelm her as she conceded defeat.

Chandra wasn't sure if she wanted to exert as much energy as she could summon or curl up and hide under her blanket. After a minute of her body becoming increasingly clenched, her nails digging into her palms and her teeth ready to shatter themselves, she chose the former.

Once she had made up her mind, there was no second guessing herself. Chandra pounced up, grabbed the backpack that defeated her and dumped out it's contents. Among them, her physics textbook that she violently scooped up and began destroying. Pages throughout were crumpled and torn, until one last grand gesture ripped the cover off and threw the book across the room - with luck it slammed against the wall centimetres short of her window.

Had her meltdown been more thought out, she probably wouldn't have done something so loud and she quickly realized how foolish she had been when, within seconds, she heard a knock at her door.

“What!?”

To Chandra's relief, it was Liliana opening the door and inviting herself passed the threshold. Had it been her mother, she would have been pressed for an explanation but all Liliana felt comfortable doing was meekly asking, “are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” she muttered with unchecked aggression.

No one would be naive enough to buy that answer, but she predicted Liliana wouldn't be willing to dispute it and she was right. All she had in her was an, “okay” as she floated back out of the room. There was despair in her voice that normally would have pierced Chandra's heart but her bucket of self loathing was already full. Anymore at this point was spilling out on the floor as she looked at her reflection with disgust.

_Are you really so weak that you can't even go to school? Something you've been doing your entire life. Other people have problems too and they go out in the world just fine and here you are cowering away._ Her breathing had become laboured at this point. _And why is my god damn leg still so fucking itchy!?_

The spot on her thigh was burning now and she needed to scratch it; she violently clawed at herself until a realization hit her. She pulled her pyjamas down just far enough to confirm her suspicion and she watched in awe as a small stream of blood trickled down her leg

She considered what people say about cutting, that it releases endorphins, providing a fleeting high that lifts your spirits even if for just a moment, but that never came.

* * *

By the sixth day of her downward spiral, Chandra was surprised her borrowed time hadn't run up. There was no chance anyone around her didn't realize this wasn't a physical illness and she was surprised her mother hadn't tried to intervene. For the past 48 hours, she was expecting Pia to burst through the door with a list of questions, a straight jacket and several ultimatums

Before her mother was even home, a rhythmless pounding broke Chandra's concentration on what had been a relatively decent day. She had gotten up, eaten breakfast and showered before Noon. It was the first time she had felt somewhat normal since, what she was still referring to as, 'the other day.'

Whoever it was trying to break down her door, she knew that no one she lived with would behave so boorishly. Jumping out of her desk chair, she hiked her pants up (she had been fixating on the bright red wound she inflicted on herself). Just as she made herself decent, Nissa's voice muffled through the door, “open up!” Her shouting was even louder than her knocking which meant her family must not be around.

_Oh, great._ Chandra rolled her eyes slowly and dramatically to tell whatever trickster god was messing with her that enough was enough. _The pity party's here._ The best way to chase away such a party was to be as impressive as possible so she fixed her hair, swung the door open and presented herself diva style but before she could get the first word, Nissa had her arms wrapped around her as Jace scooted by them. _Ugggh_. Nissa had no qualms about showing affection but this was exaggerated and transparent.

“We've come to make you feel better.” _They must have been summoned_. “Gideon says hi.” His absence was fine with Chandra. There were already two-too many people here. Nissa and Jace found their own seats – the bed and desk respectively; Chandra watched Jace sit and he finally gave her a quiet, “hey.”

Chandra joined Nissa on the bed and let the two of them (mostly Nissa) do the talking. Together they sailed on the river of small talk for a couple hours and, while Chandra loathed being the focus of the pity party, there was no denying there was a simple pleasantness about the situation.

Eventually, Nissa had to leave and it seemed she wasn't taking Jace with her. That would make conversation harder. She just wanted the experience to be over, for them to believe they had helped. Chandra eloquently stated, “soooo....” pausing to find any decent words, she continued, “was coming over here my mother's idea or Liliana's?”

Jace crossed his legs to get comfy and said, “Gideon's actually, but he's dumb enough to think you're actually sick.”

The air in the room grew thicker at this implication. “But you don't think so?”

“No. Neither does Nissa, but she wanted to let it be. You probably do too. I think that's a bad idea.”

_Of course you do._ There was a hint of superiority in Jace's tone which was only present when he had complete confidence that he was right and everyone else was wrong; Chandra was finding it even more irritating than usual. It was condescending enough having people show up unannounced because they assumed she couldn't handle herself, but being talked down to was everything she didn't want right now.

It was pressing on a nerve so hard that she was having trouble catching everything he was saying, though she knew the crux of it – 'work through your feelings.' He may have been right but she didn't care, though his smugness wasn't even the sharpest pair of teeth gnawing at her

It was her own voice whispering to her, ' _this is his fault.'_ Chandra tried to ignore herself, doing her best to focus on Jace, one word at a time, but it was persistent. _If he hadn't guilted you into talking about it_. She conceded that all she was able to do in the moment was nod and scream, _shut up_ to herself in a futile effort.

“Did you ever talk to your mom about what was goin' on with you?”

If she were in a cartoon, the screen behind her would have turned blood red by Jace's question. A bolt would have passed through her while her eyes glazed over; her hair would be pushed up by an invisible gust and there would be dramatic music playing. All she could hear now though was the thumping of her heart in her ears; she grew hot and flushed all over like a rabid virus was spreading.

Jace's harmless question pushed Chandra past her breaking point. Instinctively, she was on her feet – closing the of the gap between the two, she snarled, “you know what, Jace?”

If the air was thick before, it was suffocating now. “Your whole issue was that you were feeling my sadness with your pseudo-psychic bullshit, right?” She didn't wait for an answer. “Well, I've found the solution, haven't I?” Standing now as well, Jace tried to interject, but Chandra didn't give him a chance. “As long as I'm hiding out in my room, you can leave me alone.”

“Chandra, that's not... -”

“You're getting what you want, so why the fuck do you care what I do? My problems are my problems now. Not yours.” Jace was either at a loss or knew if he bothered trying to answer, he would just get interrupted again. “Now stop trying to run my life and get the fuck out of my house.”

He didn't argue or even say anything, didn't walk out slowly to give her a chance to stop him or apologize and didn't slam the door to make a statement. He was just gone, leaving Chandra reeled by what she had just done, staring into the blackness of her empty house. Finding herself unable to scream, cry or any other form of venting, she gave up and carefully positioned herself back into her bed. She sat still for as long as it took to get the courage to reach into her bedside table to take out her last resort.

For a moment, she stared at the photograph of her with her parents in motionless silence, admiring how happy they looked. _Father_.... _I messed up really bad. Everything should be okay, but it's not and it's all my fault. I've hurt mother, Liliana, Jace, everyone around me. I'm just making everyones lives worse. I tried to get help but I just found a way to screw that up too, like I always do. I just wish you were here to tell me that I'm not a bad person, to tell me how to fix all this._

Chandra hadn't realized until she felt the tickle on her cheek that she had managed to find a couple drops in her after all. Her watery eyes were fixated on her father's face as she tried to capture the feeling of how huge she felt every time she was with him. Eventually, her vision cleared and a she felt a powerful sensation in her chest like she was being brought back to life.

_No_.... _I know exactly what you'd tell me. You'd tell me I fucked up – maybe not those words exactly – and that I can make things right if I fight hard enough. That I smuggled with you and I risked capture by police as they chased me down. I helped save our people from fascism so if there's one thing a Nalaar can do, it's find a way make the world a better place tomorrow than it is today._


	29. Regulated

_I really destroyed this thing._ Chandra marvelled at the chaotic destruction she brought down on her physics textbook. _I don't have money for a new one and I'd really rather not explain why I need a replacement._ As she slid the mangled book into her bag, the magnitude of what would be an underwhelming day for everyone around her was causing her mind to fog over with nerves.

“You're okay,” she muttered to herself through long, deep breaths. “ _You're going to go school, be there for a few hours, then come home like you have hundreds of times before. It's a test today. You don't even need to talk to her._ The reassurances weren't making Chandra feel any calmer, but she wasn't getting any worse; that was crucial.

One last look in the mirror showed someone looking neither good nor bad – red shirt, black hoodie, black pants. Non descript and nearly invisible was exactly what she was going for.

When Chandra emerged from her room, the first thing she noticed was her mother's eyes, fixated on her as if she had been watching the door all morning to see if her daughter would come through it. Pia was glowing and Chandra knew this meant she had noticed the backpack in her hand. “Are you going to class,” she squeaked, doing a lacklustre job containing her excitement.

“Yeah. Can I get a ride?” Chandra accompanied her short response with as genuine a smile as she could make to try and convince her mother that everything was okay.

“Fantastic! Go tell your sister we're ready.” She was worried that if she left the room, there would be confetti everywhere when she returned, but obliged anyway. Chandra knocked on Liliana's door and once invited in, started to instruct the other girl, “hey, my mother told me to...” She cut herself off when she saw her sister looking at the window, lost with admiration.

“My house was so old,” she said whimsically, “when it rained, you could hear it as if you were standing outside. Poor insulation.” Chandra had been so focused on getting one foot in front of the other that she hadn't even noticed it was raining – more specifically, pouring. _Just what I need_. “But here,” Liliana continued, “everything is so quiet.... A bit of a shame.”

This was the first time Chandra heard Liliana lament her new life and right now, she didn't care. “Yeah, anyway. My mother said she's ready to go.”

Finally pulling herself away from the view, Liliana also took note of Chandra with joy – though it wasn't giddy like her mother's. There was a hint of satisfaction as if she had won the pool. “Of course. Let me just grab a rain coat.” As she was rummaging through her closet, the intensity of the weather crescendoed swiftly and violently and Liliana lit up. “Hail. How exciting.”

Chandra could tell her sister had spoken, but for some reason, it sounded muffled as if her ears were plugged. Despite that, the hellish outside seemed to be getting louder than weather had any right to be and the anxiety that was a steady murmur shot up more dramatically than the rain had. Failing at controlling herself, Chandra was reaching hyperventilation.

“Hey, Chandra, are you okay?”

Liliana's voice was still distorted, but the hail was no longer the only sound pounding at Chandra's senses. It was a distant, deep and steady roar. It was frightening and familiar. “Do you hear that noise?” Chandra asked desperately.

“Yes....The hail. I just said -”

“The other noise,” Chandra hissed with panic in her voice as she felt a rumbling at her feet and the reality sank in. “Oh god.” She could hear the whimper in her own voice. “They're here. They're not supposed to be here.” Were it not for the training drilled in to her, she would be shrieking.

As overwhelmed with terror as Chandra was, she couldn't help noticing things were slightly off. There was no doubt in her mind that she was standing in her bedroom, but she couldn't remember how she got there. Stranger still, there was someone in the room she recognized but couldn't place. _I know her_.... _I know she's not with them. I need to keep her safe_.

The woman standing in front of her didn't seem to understand the need for silence. Chandra couldn't hear the words she spoke, but it was noise and noise got you killed. Grabbing the stranger with desperate force, Chandra threw both of them into the nearby closet and gently closed it.

_Why is she still talking!?_ Chandra slammed her open palm against her closet mates mouth – harder than she meant to, but that didn't matter. _If it takes a couple broken teeth to get the message to her._ It didn't take long before she stopped mumbling into Chandra's sweaty palm.

With that immediate problem out of the way, the cowering girl was able to focus on the bigger picture as it loomed closer. _Mobile Garrisons. Sounds like more than one. Just remember, if you cry, we die. If you cry, we die_. Chandra repeated this mantra to herself to try and drown out the noise. It wasn't working.

So far, she had managed to keep her tears silent but each breath seemed as loud as a scream and Chandra couldn't contain it. The issue suddenly got more hopeless when a screech implied one of the massive garrisons had stopped. That meant soldiers. To keep herself grounded in the present, she quietly fumbled through her pockets to confirm the brownie stuffed with a thumbdrive was there. When she checked and rechecked everywhere and found nothing, panic ran through her body.

_Maybe it's still under the floorboards, but I probably left it on my fucking desk, like an idiot. Stupid, stupid, STUPID. I can't do anything right._ Chandra could hear the thundering pitter patter of soldiers and while she knew if her delivery was in plain sight, there was enough time to grab it and get back into hiding, her trembling hands couldn't bring themselves to open the closet.

The woman sitting in front of her reached out and firmly wrapped her hand around some of Chandra's quivering fingers. She was too ashamed of her cowardice to dare look the stranger in the eye and knowing no one else was in the house yet, she buried her face and shamelessly muttered, “I don't wanna die,” over and over as if saying it enough times would grant her a wish.

True hopelessness crawled through her whole body when she heard a voice – a man's voice. _I'm gonna die. Everyone is going to die. Why didn't father just run away and let Baral kill me instead?_ Tears and snot were running down her face. She was managing to keep it quiet, but it didn't matter. Chandra knew a closed closet door wasn't going to trick a consulate soldier. _He'd know what to do; he'd be brave. I want to be brave too, but I'm not. I'm useless._

Purposeful steps were getting closer and Chandra clawed at herself randomly as if she were a dog too overwhelmed with emotion to know what to do with her own body. _They're going to find us. If I come out of here to surrender, they probably won't find whoever this is too. They'd only take me. Take me and...._

The mystery woman seemed to be trying to comfort her with soothing strokes, but stopped abruptly when a voice opened the bedroom door. Chandra was unable to make out the words, but the source was clear.

_Mother!_ A hint of calm rushed through Chandra, but there was still the sound of dozens of barking soldiers and screaming villagers, so she opened the door only a crack so she could hiss, “mother! You have to hide.”

Pia knelt down in front of the closet and quickly swung it open. “What on earth are you two doing?”

The other woman said nothing, but Chandra, through gritted teeth, insisted, “they'll be here soon. They're going to find us and kill us.”

For some reason, her mother was indifferent. Some confusion was showing, but it dissipated when, with the utmost softness, she said, “the hail. Of course.” As Chandra screeched to herself, _why isn't she listening to me,_ Pia called, in a stern and calm voice, “Jovi, can you come here?”

Quickly, someone else entered the room. _That must have been the man I heard_. Much like the woman sitting with her, Chandra failed to come up with a reason for why she recognized him. Her mother abruptly turned to address him before anyone else could assess the situation, “I need you to go to Chandra's room and bring me any photos you can find.”

The man obeyed without hesitation as most people did when Pia spoke to them. _But we're in my room._

“Chandra,” her mother said softly, “can you hear me?”

_What is wrong with her!?_ “Of course I can. Why are you just sitting there?”

“I know what you're seeing right now seems real.” It didn't seem possible, but Pia's voice softened further - to the intensity of a lullaby. “But it's not. You're having a flashback.”

Pia's deceleration felt like a drill breaking apart Chandra's already splintering mind. She knew what the words were and most of her focus was on figuring out what they meant, but when she couldn't make sense of it, she returned to more pressing matters. “You're not making any sense.” In contrast to her mother's voice, Chandra's was getting faster and harsher. “They're going to be here soon. Why are you just sitting there!?” It took all of Chandra's willpower and fear to not scream in desperation.

“No one is coming.” The kind smile and slow, soothing tone stayed with her mother and Chandra was starting to get angry at the nonchalant behaviour. “You're safe. You're in your home on Dominaria. What you're seeing and hearing is a hallucination.”

Pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together. _Hallucinations? I've had those before. Do I live on Dom_.... _No!_ Chandra tried to smack the confusing thoughts out of her head. “You don't know what you're saying. I can hear them, I can feel the ground shaking. Why are you pretending this isn't happening?”

The figure reentered the room and loomed above Pia; Chandra cowered when she saw the man reaching down – staying recoiled even after realizing he had only handed something to her mother. It was a stack of something that Pia was sorting through, finally presenting a photograph from the pile. “Look at this picture and tell me what you see.”

The answer came to her as immediately as it should. _That's me with Jace, Gideon and Nissa from graduation_ but that image made no sense to Chandra's mind that was struggling to make sense of anything. When she found herself unable to put it into words it only frustrated her further. “Stop confusing me!” The last bit of restraint was leaving her.

“That's a picture of you.” Pia described it in detail and hearing the words outloud brought the realization to Chandra that something didn't make sense. She was sure of the sounds around her and knew she was in her bedroom on Kaladesh, but she also knew that was impossible if she was looking at a photo of herself in high school. The two truths clashing were causing an overwhelming pain in her head and she found it harder to focus on the next picture her mother showed her.

_That's me_. As she tried her best to squint through the pain and watery eyes. It took a moment but she was able to absorb more details. “That's me with Nissa,” she unknowingly spoke.

“Good.” Pia seemed proud of the answer. “Where are you two?”.

The visual of the two grown women standing by the statue of Karn at Tolaria West felt like it made a bit of sense. “We're at school....That was our first day.”

“Exactly. If the war on Kaladesh was still happening, you wouldn't have been at Tolaria.” Pia shifted slightly out of the closet doorway, bringing light inside. “Now look at the room you're in. Is that the bed you slept in as a child?” _It's in the wrong spot._ Chandra slowly shook her head. “Did you have a bookshelf that large?”

_No._ She shook her head again – more enthusiastically this time.

“Look who's sitting across from you.” Pia directed her daughter toward Liliana.

“Liliana....” Her sister gave her a loving and relieved grin.

“You didn't know her during the war.”

With that, the room around her changed as suddenly as if she turned to a different TV station. She was in her sister's closet with Liliana; her mother's wrinkled eyes looked into hers with her step father standing over them. The only sound that remained was the hail. “I'm at home...The war is long over.”

Liliana seemed to take this as an all clear and slowly shuffled out of the closet, standing above Pia next to her father. What had actually just transpired began sinking in for Chandra and once she was done processing, a lump formed in her throat and she tried her best to stifle an outburst. It seemed like it was going to work until she saw the expression on Liliana's face – some combination of terror and despair, and even worse, blood on her lip from Chandra's blow.

The words were a struggle to get out in one piece but as her vision became increasingly blurry and her chin quivered with anticipation, she managed to whimper out an, “I'm sorry,” before leaping into her mother's chest and weeping so powerfully that she didn't hear the Vess' leave the room.

 


	30. Reforge the Soul

_Wow_ , Chandra marveled at her reflection in her bedroom mirror. _I look like shit._ Staring back at her were eyes still bloodshot from the uninhibited sobbing and red skin, likely a result of her manic scratching; her lips were dry as if her body absorbed all the moisture from them to fuel the crying and she had a pretty offensive pimple on her chin which wasn't related but she thought, _it really brings the whole look together._

As she turned from the mess that was herself, Chandra recalled a therapeutic method of finding the positives of a negative and she tried to consider how things could have been worse. Her migraine was calming down already, the pain that ran through her entire body was only a dull five and unlike the flashback she suffered once while Gideon was with her, she didn't....Chandra squirmed and shivered at the thought.

_Well, that didn't help, though I do need to make a note to thank Gideon on my deathbed for never bringing that up._ She couldn't force herself to be positive, but she could at least be more comfortable. Chandra slid her pants down which reminded her of the cute powerplay underwear she decided to wear this morning; she chuckled at the irony.

As she pulled her pajamas up, a buzz came from the pocket of the pants she just dropped – which she chose to ignore, coming to the conclusion that Liliana had told her friends what happened. _I'm already being coddled by mother, I don't obligatory niceties from you guys._

All Chandra's bravado and determination from only a couple hours ago felt lost to time _There's nothing that takes the wind out of your sails quite like being an adult with their mommy staying home to watch them._ “You know,” Chandra spoke with strain as she returned to the living room, “you really didn't have to stay home to take care of me.

Pia joined her daughter on the couch to bring her a third cup of tea which would likely leave her bloated in no time. “If the shoe was on the other foot, you would do the same.”

This was a factual statement, but it also shredded any last remnants of pride Chandra had. _But the shoe has never been on the other foot_ , she thought to herself for the umpteenth time. There was a feeling of weakness and shame in crying so viciously in front of people, but there was normally a shred of dignity in this context. The tears were at least those of a soldier; she had earned them. Chandra knew that wasn't necessarily a healthy scope to view mental illness in, but it helped none the less.

However, looking at her mother out of the corner of her eye ripped that comfort away. Chandra was well aware that she had seen and done things no one should ever have to, but comparing her trials to her mothers – it wasn't close. The great General Pia Nalaar had hands that would never be fully washed of blood – those of enemies she cut down and friends that followed her orders without question. Despite all that, the young Nalaar never found her mother curled up and crying in a closet.

“Chandra,” her mother spoke in solemn tone. _I know that voice. She's going to ask me_... “Have you had any anxiety or any other symptoms recently?” _That. She's going to ask me that._

Now she was looking squarely into her mother's worried eyes. _You yelled at Jace, hit Liliana, and refused to talk to your mother when you were well aware she would want you to. Why don't you do something right for once?_ It took willpower and a long period of silence before Chandra finally answered. “Yeah, well, no flashbacks, though I think I came close, maybe? A lot of anxiety though.” The words came with a feeling of relief.

Chandra's face was and spirit were warmed by the hand she was now cupped in. “Why didn't you say anything?”

“I didn't want to worry you.” There was no way Chandra was giving up the full truth. She planned to take what she assumed was the main trigger that brought all this on to her grave; thinking about it briefly reminded her that there had been a witness to that incident.

“Well, that's clearly worked out.” Pia's delivery was as sarcastic as anyone could be, though her expression was conveying to Chandra how irresponsible she felt her daughter had been. Chandra chuckled to convey that the tone was received. “Maybe, if you don't want to talk to me, we should get you back into counselling.”

There was a powerful groan in Chandra's mind. Dr. Evangela, who she spent a lot of time with years prior, was insufferable – both in her preachiness and her undeniable skills as a therapist. It annoyed Chandra that someone so annoying had been so helpful. “Maybe....”

* * *

Chandra brought her mother up to speed, with detail on the inner workings of her psyche over the past few weeks and the effects they had on her behaviour. She lost track of time while she was doing it and when the story was finished, Chandra was exhausted. Despite her entire body still throbbing in pain, she drifted in and out of sleep, only completely brought out of it by the sound of a door closing. She had no idea how long she had drifted, but the sun had gone down.

“Chandra?” Liliana's voice not only woke her from her daze, but it made her compulsively stand at attention. Chandra studied the other girl's face and saw a mark had been imprinted on her bottom lip, and she seemed to have the same expression of despair and fear that was there the last time they saw each other. The sinking feeling of guilt was back in force. “How are you feeling?” Liliana spoke timidly.

Even after hours of sleep, Chandra still felt like the universe had just kicked her ass. “Oh, you know, I guess I've....” She cut herself off when Liliana began walking towards her with small, gentle steps as if Chandra was a cat Liliana didn't want to scare off, eventually reaching and embracing her. Chandra considered mentioning that if Liliana was worried about setting her off again, wrapping her arms around her wasn't the best idea, but decided that could wait.

The moment they were sharing should have brought Chandra peace, or at least some amount of joy, but she felt Liliana's body shaking as she was wrapped up by it and the image of her cut lip and gloomy expression were burned into Chandra's mind. _She just wanted a happy, normal family and I've probably ruined that forever._

When it seemed like nothing could make this experience anymore abysmal, Chandra heard a clicking noise – the sound of a phone doing a bad job of imitating a camera followed by her mother saying, “so cute.”


	31. Reckless Charge

If Chandra hadn't known better, she'd swear this was the first time in her life she'd ever felt snug. After the exhausted, abysmal mood and sore, tense muscles of yesterday, her feeling of bliss now felt like a high she had never experienced. When she awoke from her dreamless twelve hours of sleep, she found the energy to take a badly needed shower and immediately returned to warm blankets. Chandra had become spent a lot of time in bed over the past week and she was finally able to enjoy it

Holding her phone under the covers, aimlessly trying to find something to watch, it jingled with a notification and she was unable to ignore the message from Liliana as it as it briefly enveloped her screen.

 

**Can you please check my room for a green shoulderbag?  
I believe I left it under my desk. Thanks.**

Ensuring Liliana she would try, Chandra lethargically left her bed for the room next to hers. She realized now that there was a bit of lingering pain, but she was in too good a mood to care.

The bag was exactly where it was supposed to be and Chandra informed her that there was no need to worry. As she waited for some kind of response, it occurred to her that this was the first time she had been in her step sisters room by herself. Snooping through drawers and in closets was beneath her, but she figured it was still a situation to be taken advantage of.

The photos on the desk were, unsurprisingly, the most compelling. Most of them were just Liliana with people Chandra didn't know, though they were young, so she figured it was friends rather than family. The first picture that stood out was one taken at Pia and Jovi's marriage ceremony – with the four of them standing together. Chandra was a little surprised at just how happy she looked – matching the glow of the other three.

What really surprised Chandra, was that the Nalaar/Vess family photo seemed to be the only one with a woman old enough to be Liliana's mother. The original Mrs. Vess was still alive, but from where Chandra was standing, it seemed she had never existed at all. _It's not my place to ask what happened but whatever it was, I understand why she's so excited to have a new mother._

As Chandra bent down to pick up the bag, she noticed one last picture that was hiding behind the others. She was familiar with the kind of picture it was – one you don't want to look at, but you feel guilty about putting it away. The thought of people seeing it scares you, yet a part of you hopes someone asks you about it. It was a picture of Liliana. She was younger, around twelve, sitting in what looked like a hospital with a young man who looked so like Liliana that if it weren't for the clear age difference, Chandra would have guessed they were identical twins.

_I always assumed Josu was younger when he died. I guess the story seemed so tragic that a boy dying fit better._ It was tough to pinpoint Liliana's brother's exact age, but it was old enough that she didn't feel weird about thinking, _I guess everyone in that family is just beautiful._

 

**It's here.**

**Wonderful. Can you leave the front door unlocked?  
I need to come get it.**

_I guess she assumes I'll be asleep._ An inspiration came to Chandra that would actually involve doing something nice.

 

**You're at school right?  
I'll bring it to you.**

Chandra's phone rang within seconds and she answered, “what's up?” She was playing dumb; Chandra knew Liliana was calling to talk her out of making the trek to the university.

“Stop!” Chandra was so taken aback by the uncharacteristically abrupt and harsh tone that she failed to find words and waited for Liliana to continue. “I can come home and get it. Stay where are you are.”

While Liliana's concern was obviously coming from a place of compassion, Chandra found the desperation a little insulting and when she felt scorned, she got reckless. “Already out the door. See you soon.” _Good thing I already showered._

Bag in hand, Chandra returned to her room to change. Ignoring Liliana's attempt to call her again, she started getting excited. _What could be a more appropriate adventure after a flashback than delivering a package?_ She knew that whatever Liliana needed wasn't as important as tactical information, or aether energy supplies, but Chandra was determined all the same – enough that she was willing to look past how juvenile she felt aiming to dress the part.

It took some digging in still unpacked boxes, but she was able to find her single ball cap. Chandra still owned it for purely sentimental reasons as she thought all hats looked ridiculous on her – her opinion validated by her mirror after she put it on. _And my nice, comfy blue sweater, hood up, of course._

Chandra learned overtime that here was a common misconception about how to dress when you're trying to sneak around. People always seem to think that you needed to be an inconspicuous as possible, that if you look like you're trying to hide yourself, you're more likely to get noticed. While this was true, Chandra was never worried about the police noticing her. She was more concerned about them chasing her, capturing her or killing her.

With her hood up and face buried under the brim of a black cap, to the average citizen, she looked like someone you wouldn't want to see in a dark alley. To a consulate soldier, she looked like one more moody teenager likely holding some small amount of alcohol, weed or a pitiful excuse for a weapon that would only bring them paperwork if they decided to detain you. There were a lot more of those on Kaladesh than redheads.

A rebel she regularly worked with once told her, 'if your enemy has even the slightest description of what you look like, you're better off wearing a giant gremlin mask than no disguise at all. No police officer wants to deal with a nut in a gremlin mask unless they absolutely have to.' That taught her all she needed to know about disguises.

So caught up in her nostalgia, Chandra almost forgot why Liliana didn't want her leaving the house. As she turned from her impressive reflection, she gauged how she felt and everything seemed well. Not the kind of well from yesterday morning where she felt like shit but was at least confident she could survive the day. Chandra thought to herself, _no cause for concern._

* * *

The trip to the campus was pleasant and uneventful. She considered taking a taxi, but her confidence carried her on to public transit. When she messaged Liliana to announce her arrival, her sister responded that she was in Gym A, which raised questions that she figured would be answered when she got there.

Her sense of direction was good enough that she was able to plot a course after briefly observing a map. She decided to take the long way around so she could enjoy the day. It was sunny, but chilly like an Autumn day should be. In her flimsy sweater, Chandra was under dressed for the weather but shivering gave her something to fixate on and the crisp air reaching her skin through her thin clothes reminded her that she was still calm. During her anxiety attacks, the harshest blizzard wouldn't stop the nervous warmth spreading through her body.

As she found her destination, she realized, _this is the first time ever going into one of these, or even hearing of someone else being in one. If there's no gym class, why do we have so many gyms_? It was overly simplistic thinking but she still couldn't help but wonder.

Aimlessly wandering, Chandra eventually found a court and, standing with their backs to her, were Liliana and another woman. They both large bags that were much longer than they were thick hanging off their shoulders and wore the same orange shorts and sky blue tops with TWU on the back. There seemed to be no one else in the building, but they were still speaking more quietly than they needed to like they were worried the room was bugged or didn't want to risk Chandra hearing them.

Chandra eloquently announced herself, “uhm, hey” and removed her hat and hood as it seemed the polite thing to do. The two quickly turned around and Liliana rushed over to her with the other woman following slowly behind.

“Why did you not answer your phone,” Liliana asked sternly.

“I figured you were just going to try and talk me out of coming here.”

Liliana growled through clinched teeth, “and rightfully so.” _She seems more worried than I thought she'd be_

“You must be Chandra,” the stranger stated matter-of-factly and Chandra saw Liliana rolling her eyes slightly. The mystery woman closed the gap and Chandra was able to see just how much taller she was than either of them – not an insignificant feat as both of them were above average height. Her bright green eyes and dark skin brought out the best in each other and her hair reached down to her neck on one side and was shaved on the other.

Before Chandra could acknowledge this other woman's assessment, she continued, “so you're the one that called Lily a wimp?”

The takeaway from that question should have been the question itself, but Chandra had to stifle a chuckle. _Lily?_ The cute, condensed version seemed too improper to be allowed, but that wasn't what Liliana objected to.

“I never said that,” she blurted with a vexed tone.

“Whatever. She told me you said she couldn't hack it as a soldier – something like that.” _I did? I don't remember saying that. I probably just said it in passing without realizing it._ This was something Chandra had a tendency to do and forget immediately. “What she didn't tell me was how cute you are. I'm Vivien by the way.” Before Chandra could make sense of what was happening, she found her hand being shaken and cupped simultaneously.

Scathingly, Liliana interrupted, “leave her alone, Vivien.” Chandra wasn't going to say anything, but she appreciated the support. There weren't too many times in her life that someone called her cute and like every other time it had happened, she thought, _why is this girl making fun of me? I just met her_. Chandra considered glaring at Vivien but felt the room was already tense enough.

Vivien raised her hands defensively. “My bad. My bad.” She seemed unphased by Liliana's coldness. “Now, Lily, what do say we show Chandra if you could hack it?”

“If I do, will you shut up?” As far as Chandra could recall, that was the most vulgar she had ever heard her speak. _These two must be on a team together, because they sure as hell ain't friends._

“Think you can do a baseball?” Vivien breezed right past answering Liliana's question which Chandra figured meant that she either took is as a rhetorical, or she didn't want to commit to an answer.

“I can try.” _I guess those are baseball bats in those bags, but I'm pretty sure you don't play baseball inside._ Liliana began unzipping the bag while simultaneously reaching into a smaller pocket on the side of it. Chandra could have made a lot of guesses as to what was hiding in it, but the long and intense looking bow that was pulled out was not was not on that list.

Chandra felt her eyes widen uncontrollably and she heard Vivien snicker. “Looks like we've got her attention.” As Liliana pulled out an arrow from the side pocket, she had a look of solemn determination like she didn't want to be doing this but also desperately didn't want to mess it up. The bitterness wasn't much to admire, but Chandra was taken aback by how powerful she looked drawing back the string.

In turn, Vivien retrieved a baseball from her bag and stood back to the edge of the gym, wound up a pitch and let it go with an enthusiastic grunt that was probably a signal for Liliana's sake. It was a hard throw that was almost beyond Chandra's reaction time, but in an instant, Liliana let the arrow go – destroying the ball before it even began to slow down.

Chandra's eyes immediately returned to Liliana's face and she saw the slightest hint of a smirk. Gazing at all that skill and beauty, she realized that in her depression spell, she had forgotten how alluring Liliana was and now more so than ever. She could feel the heat of blood rushing to various parts of her body and knew if she tried to speak, it would have come out as nothing more than a throaty grunt.

“That's what I'm talkin' about!” Vivien yelled out as she ran back over to them; she clasped Liliana while looking over at Chandra. “What do you think of your sister now?”

_I think she's amazing, just like I always have. I don't even remember having this conversation with her, but if Vivien is making such a big deal about it, that must mean Liliana was hurt enough to bring it up._ Chandra murmured, “It was pretty good.”

Vivien's grin upon hearing that meant she was satisfied with the answer; as she went to go retrieve the arrow and pieces of ball, Liliana turned to Chandra and the glimpse of smugness in her expression fleeted. Clearly the only one not enthralled with the situation, she only looked annoyed as she knelt down to put her bow away. Her complete silence was making Chandra nervous.

Once Vivien had finished picking up the fragments, she ran back over, bypassing Liliana as if she weren't there and got close to Chandra. “Lily has a class to get to, but if you want to stay, I can show you what I can do.” She spoke in a shamelessly confident tone as if she were the one that had just proven her prowess.

Before Vivien finished, Chandra could see Liliana bringing herself back up – bow still in hand, turned and drew the weapon for a second time. “I said leave her alone, Vivien.” Her tone was somehow even more frigid then before and Chandra couldn't grasp how someone could sound so composed while doing something so rash. Inspecting the bow, Chandra took note that it wasn't pointed directly at Vivien, but still thought, _there's no weapon that could cut tension this thick._

Despite Liliana's bitter tone, vengeful expression and the loaded weapon, Vivien was calm as if she believed an arrow to the chest couldn't hurt her. “You know what? I think I'll leave you two to it.” Her cheeky resolve in her voice wasn't shaken; she turned, said, “see ya', guys,” gave Chandra a wink and dashed for the door while Liliana lowered the bow.

The gym door closed, echoing through the empty building. Liliana said something that sounded like 'sorry,' but Chandra was too mesmerized to hear anything clearly. Once she was confident they were alone, she turned to Liliana's disappointed face and yelled out, “dude, that was awesome!” Her voice overwhelmed the building, but she didn't care.

“Pardon?”

“You fuckin' blew that thing to pieces!” Chandra wasn't even trying to contain her voice or animated motions as she reenacted Liliana's shot and the decimation of the ball. “God damn!” She realized Liliana was as baffled by her excitement as she had been by her step sister threatening someone with a deadly weapon.

“Thank you,” Liliana said as she bent back down to put her weapon away for good. “But there was nothing to make a fuss over.”

With no intent on calming down, Chandra continued loudly, “Nothing to...” but civility rushed back to her when she noticed Liliana blushing. It was impossible to miss her now red cheeks illuminating her normally pale skin. She felt a little guilty, but it satisfied Chandra to finally not be the awkward one between them. _Okay, time to calm down_. “Nothing to fuss over?” Her voice was calmer, though forcing herself down so quickly left it shaky. “That was amazing.”

Liliana secured everything in her duffle bag and brought it back on her shoulder while getting to her feet, seemingly ignoring Chandra's praise while her ears and face continued to glow. She wasted no time moving past the subject and asked, “are you okay?” There was hesitation in the way she spoke.

_I forgot how worried she sounded when she called me. What must this look like to her? I'm acting like nothing happened after traumatizing her yesterday. For all she knows, I could be a moment away from hitting her again._ Chandra's adrenaline left her in an instant and it felt like she exerted a weeks worth of energy in a minute. “Oh, right. I'm fine,” she could hear her voice sounded as hollow the feeling that had just overtaken her. Deciding to get to the point she slid the bag she was delivering from her shoulder. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.” Liliana tied the strap around her wrist as she want to retrieve something from the small pocket of her case. “I have to go change. You should take a cab home,” she said as she pulled out a wallet. “I can pay for it.”

_She wants you to go away. Hell, she never wanted you here in the first place. It's why she seemed so annoyed. Did you think she'd get over it in a day?_ “Don't worry. If I want a ride, my mother is finished soon. I can go bug her.” She had no intention of doing this and to end the conversation, she said, “you should probably get going if you have a class to get to.”

Liliana nodded, thanked her again and turned toward a locker room as they said their tense goodbyes. As the gym doors closed behind her, a realization made Chandra's body almost as tight as it was during her flashback. _The soldier thing. I said it when we were drunk. She does remember what happened._


	32. Shock

“Well, I never thought I'd say this,” Nissa called out with the loud, slightly slurred enthusiasm and assertiveness that only five beers could give her. “Jace is officially not the dumbest one of us anymore.”

Jace, also fairly deep into the cooler, groaned, “I was finally good at something too.”

“Excuse me?” Chandra asked in a tone that was as sober as she was.

Chandra was discouraged from drinking and, as per usual, Gideon was joining her in staying clearheaded out of solidarity. She had given up assuring him that the gesture was sweet, but unnecessary. His eyebrow was raised slightly, showing an uncanny sign of personality. “She said you were cute, she winked at you, and your assumption is that she was mocking you.”

Nissa raised her sixth bottle. “Dumb.”

The four of them sat in Nissa's backyard, admiring the abundance of crops and flowers. Their classes were out for revision week and like every other student with a GPA lower than 4.00, they were busy not revising. Four days had passed since Chandra's flashback so Nissa's invitation felt genuine. Had it been any sooner, she would have been confident it was just them feeling sorry for her.

“Is it really that hard to believe?” The three of them stared blankly back at her, probably to assert how rhetorical the question should have been. Chandra wanted to ask the first thing that came to mind, _why would she be hitting on me?_ But knew that would just sound like fishing for compliments. “Okay, fine. If she wasn't making fun of me, why did Liliana get so mad at her?”

“Maybe Liliana is as dumb as you.” Nissa nodded in agreement with Jace.

“The way you described the behaviour of this woman,” Gideon said flatly, “it doesn't sound like she's the best company. Maybe Liliana was trying to steer you away from an unwise course of action.”

_She did seem like a bit of an asshole._ The idea of Liliana being protective of her made her feel more guilty than she already had for not inviting her and for being thankful that Nissa hadn't either. Over the past few days, Chandra and Liliana were both home all day and they said very little to each other. When they did talk, it was trivial and clinical. Chandra couldn't blame her sister for that though. Between dragging her into a closet, hitting her and remembering their drunken makeout, Chandra was just grateful not to have been smothered in her sleep.

As one of Nissa's cats announced itself coming out the back door, Gideon, seemingly done with the conversation went off to give it some attention; Jace, with significantly more trouble, followed and once they were out of earshot, Nissa asked, “are you interested in this....What was her name?”

“Vivien?” Chandra was surprised Nissa was the one that wanted to keep going.. _I guess she is pretty close to drunk_. “She seemed kind of rude, but I guess my impression of her was clouded by the fact that I thought she was mocking me. Even if I was, what would I do about it?”

“She sounds aggressive, so I doubt you would need to do much other than find her. Is she pretty?”

“I think so, maybe. I wasn't really paying attention.” Chandra had taken a glance at Vivien and she knew it had been something worth noticing, but she had been too focused on Liliana's radiance that she didn't really take anything else in. “I was still exhausted.”

“Well,” Nissa said, sure of her opinions, “it wouldn't hurt to give her a try.”

“Whatever she looked like, Liliana seemed pretty pissed at her for talking to me. There had to be a reason.” Chandra could believe she had misread the flirting as mockery, but she figured if that was as stupid an assessment as her friends made it out to be, that couldn't have been Liliana's problem. _I may be an idiot, but she's not._

As Nissa watched with delight while a wasp landed on her hand, she said as if it were meaningless, “maybe she's jealous.”

Chandra, amazed at just how giddy the speculation made her feel, managed to contain her reaction, though the warmth in her ears told her that if Nissa were paying attention, her face would have given her away. “What's that supposed to mean?” She was cursing the quiver she heard in her voice.

“Maybe they're together.” Chandra was embarrassed over not realizing that's what Nissa had meant, but she was more focused on how excited she felt with the idea of Liliana being jealous about her. “Or were together or she wishes they were together. Speaking of which.” Nissa moving on to a new topic suited Chandra just fine. “What do you think of Gideon and Liliana?”

“Like, what do I think of them as people?”

“No, as a couple.”

“Are they a couple?”

“No! As a hypo...hypo...thenticle.” Nissa was beginning to dose off which she had a tendency to do in the middle of a conversation even when she was sober. “I think it could work.”

Chandra wasn't enjoying this topic much either. As she glanced over at Gideon across the yard scratching the cat they had sought after she said with a feeling of inferiority, “well, they're both sweet and they're both 10s.” To her surprise, Nissa snickered at this.

“You think Gideon is a 10?”

“You don't?”

Nissa ran her hands across her jaw. “He's got those hideous sideburns.” She laughed – the kind of drawn out giggle that only booze can create, but it was infectious and Chandra involuntarily did her best to replicate her friend.

When they calmed down, Chandra said, “I don't think you're the right person to be matchmaking though.”

“Ooooooh, because I'm asexual?”

“Because you don't know anything about dating.”

“Oh, Chandra.” Nissa's eyes were completely shut now. “If you knew what you....If you knew what I knew, but you can't know.”

“Hey, Nissa.” Chandra had been so caught up that she didn't realize Jace was standing over them – with a different cat than the one Gideon had caught. “Your mom is looking for you.”

“Well, alright then,” she said through a yawn. As Nissa jumped up, she let out a high pitched scream. The wasp didn't seem to like her sudden movement, though she kept walking as if nothing happened. As Chandra watched her sloppily head inside, covered in a massive array of green and purple sweaters and scarves, she realized Nissa could have put on 20kg over the last couple years and no one would ever know.

“Her mom isn't even here,” Jace said as he found his way back to his chair, cradling the orange tabby. Chandra wasn't sure if he was talking to her or the cat.

“No offence, but that conversation was getting interesting. Why did you -”

“She was ten seconds away from snoring.” He was probably right, but Chandra still wished he had let Nissa finish. “So,” he paused for either dramatic effect or to collect his tipsy thoughts. “How you doing?”

Now she was almost positive he was talking to her – though not completely and why he chased Nissa off made sense. This was the first time they had been alone together (or at least out of earshot of anyone else) since her last bout of unjustified yelling at him. “Look, Jace.” She was cut off by Jace raising his hand to demand silence.

“Just humour me and answer the question.”

Chandra couldn't lie and she found herself wishing she were still miserable. If she were still a wreck being crushed under the weight of her neurosis, the lashing out may have seemed more reasonable. “I'm...Really good, I guess.” She expected him to say a meaningless pleasantry or some other metaphorical pat on the head, but he stayed silent and he smiled.

Jace's smile was as bright and genuine as it was uncommon. It wasn't that he looked perpetually angry or upset – just indifferent. It was powerful, enhanced by his hood being down (likely for the benefit of the cats) and the wide while not toothy expression lifted her like the forgiveness of a deity; now grinning herself, it compelled her to continue.

“It sorta goes either way with me after a flashback. It either tears me to pieces or fixes me right up once I get past the initial shock. Honestly, I don't know the last time I felt this good.” She wanted to gush about how powerful she felt bringing on such a warm reaction in Jace, but she didn't want to embarrass her friend. He nodded in acknowledgement, still glowing.

“I hope you know you can always talk to me, or any of us.”

Chandra knew what he was getting at. “I know. You only told me to talk to someone else because you thought it was the best call.” She could see the eagerness in the way he squirmed; he wanted to ask her what set her off, but he knew as well as she did that the answer would be, 'I don't want to talk about it,' and he seemed to accept that.

* * *

Nissa had fallen asleep on a rug about ten steps from her back door; that had been a good indication that it was time to call it a day and Chandra decided to walk home – regretting it halfway as a mild day turned to a chilly evening in an instant.

She kept warm by basking in the day she had, regretting that it had to end and dreading going home to the one thing still bringing her down. When she was in the same vicinity as Liliana, her only thoughts were either about how awkward things were or about what Liliana would look like wielding her bow naked. Surprisingly, the two thoughts were equal in their melancholy.

The more she thought about Liliana, the more she was disappointed in herself for getting excited when she jumped to the conclusion that she was jealous of Vivien. Even worse was the sinking feeling she got thinking about Nissa's proposition of pairing Liliana with Gideon. It was an absurd thing to worry about. There had been no indication the two were interested in each other, but the idea of the two of them being together in the room next to her still made her sick. Chandra had hoped after all this time, her attraction to her step sister would have began to subside, but that clearly wasn't the case.

_Hopefully she's studying,_ Chandra thought as she opened the door. Her mother and Jovi were both standing in the kitchen and when they greeted her quietly, she could tell something was off and was worried she had just walked in on a fight. The air was tense enough for one.

Though he said it softly, Chandra heard Jovi say, “you should tell her.”

Instantly nervous, Chandra wanted to say, 'are you guys getting a divorce?' to mask her unease, but the mood of the room didn't call for it. “Tell me what?” While her mother wasn't surprised, Jovi clearly assumed she wouldn't have been able to hear that.

“Your sister,” Pia said without missing a step, “told us she was going to go home for a while. She left a few hours ago.”

Again, Chandra's first instinct was to say, 'but she already was home,' in the most clownish tone she could muster, but she looked to Jovi and said, “I thought you guys didn't own the place anymore.”

“Technically, no.” Jovi seemed understandably shook. “But until they start construction, no one is going to care that someone is in it. The worst thing she could do is burn it down and that would only save the developers time.”

_I was off having a great time with my friends while she was suffering enough to make her run away from home._ “Why did she leave?” Chandra knew the answer to that question, but she was curious what the official statement was.

“She was unwilling to go into what prompted her, though I am surprised it took this long.”

“Why? She seemed happy here.”

“She is.” Jovi seemed confident in that assessment as well as the implication that she was coming back. “She was happy we moved, but leaving our home took a toll on her that she refused to acknowledge. I thought she was just hiding it from me, but maybe she just realized it herself.”

While nothing could convince Chandra that she wasn't the one that drove Liliana away, she could imagine how homesick she must have been. Chandra had moved three times in her life; the first was from a village to the city and even though she was young when it happened, the pain of leaving the only place she had known as home was vivid in her memory.

The second time had been much worse though. Having to leave Kaladesh, the world she loved enough to risk her life for, to come to some plane she knew nothing about, filled with strangers had been devastating, but she had always kept the worst part of it to herself. Once the door in Ghirapur closed behind her for the last time, Chandra knew she would never again live somewhere that carried memories of her father.

_She had to leave her only home and her memories of her brother. I'm surprised it took me messing things up to get her running back. I wouldn't have lasted a week._ Rather than taking off the flimsy sweater she was wearing, Chandra put on a coat and when her mother asked what she was doing she said with purpose, “I'm going to fix this.”


	33. Oath

It took some convincing, but Chandra was sitting behind Jovi in the backseat of her mother's car. Neither of them approved of the idea of her visiting Vess Manor, but when it became clear to Pia Chandra wouldn't buckle, her mother insisted they drive her. It was a practical idea; she knew where the estate was, but she had no idea where to go on that huge piece of land.

The reason she wanted to go alone, was to avoid the awkward moment of the stop she insisted making on the way, which, once she got back into the car, prompted Jovi to say, “this is a really sweet idea, but I have to warn you, Liliana has never been especially fond of flowers.”

Not wanting to go into the intricacies of her plain, she responded with, “can't hurt to try.”

When they finally got to the property, Jovi directed Pia past eight separate entrances, only one of which Chandra could make sense of, making her suspect the rest were just the house flexing its size. The ninth way in was where Jovi pointed them to; if grand entrance was a term rich people used for the biggest way in to their acres of home, this had to be it.

A black barred, ajar gate was surrounded by an arch of old stone between two five metre pillars – each of which were topped with a statue of an angel looking up at the blade it held. If grand had a picture in the dictionary, it would be a photo of what loomed over Chandra as she stepped out of the car. For Jovi's benefit, she withheld a look of contempt.

Her stepfather pointed to a cobblestone path that was almost as wide as a city street and told her, “just follow that to the main house.” If this was the road that would take her to the front door, it meant this was the entrance for the important people and Chandra was sure that meant this is where she wanted to be.

“Chandra,” her mother called out from the car, “Don't do anything reckless.”

“I'll see you guys later. Thanks for the ride.” She was easily able to slide through the crack in the gate without squishing her bouquet and once she was in, she felt underwhelmed. Given the exterior, she expected an unlimited amount of lavish excess, but there were no fountains, gargoyles or weird naked statues. It was nothing but an unkempt lawn and a massive house in the distance. She found herself oddly offended by the barren grounds. _If you're going to have all this space, you could at least use it for something._ Given the context, she didn't mind the impossibility of pleasing her.

The walk took a while, but she was used to going from one end of her campus to the other, so it felt natural. As she got close enough for the house to fully take shape and expose its finer details, she finally saw a single statue that obstructed the front door; the closer she got, the more confident she was that she was on track and the more nervous she became.

Now nearly finished the trip, it became clear the statue was no match for the five meter entrance, though it was still what she was fixated on. While it wasn't anything close to the ludicrously large entrance, once she was next to the sculpture, the man depicted in it still loomed above her. After examining the face, reading the inscription on the plaque of the base was redundant.

_For our son, Josu. The greatest man that never was._ Chandra figured there had to be some kind of memorial to Liliana's brother, that it had to be public so anyone could see it and it had to be on the path that guests of honour would take so she wasn't surprised that she found it.

Chandra needed a moment to take in the surreal moment of looking up at her bronze, dead step brother, but when she was ready, she got to her knees, laid the flowers at the statues feet and for the first time in her life, she prayed.

_Hey, uhmm, I guess I'm kinda your sister_. Immediately, Chandra felt as awkward and stupid as she dreaded on her long walk. _But I guess you already knew that._ She was under no impression that anyone could hear her. There wasn't a religious or spiritual bone in her, but Chandra told herself that, in case Josu Vess's soul was out there, he needed to hear this.

_I know I've done some terrible things to Liliana and I'm not expecting forgiveness, but I want you to know you can relax now. I swear that from now on, I'll keep her safe and happy, whatever it takes. I wish you were here for her but she's my sister now too and I'm going take care of her for you._

She was surprised at how calm she felt, but still believing the prayer was nonsense, she realized this feeling of tranquility meant she needed to hear those words for her own benefit. Chandra's eyes opened to a world that looked a little clearer and for the first time, she felt at peace about her attraction to Liliana.

Chandra was never against the idea of being just friends with Liliana, or being her sister, but it was never what she wanted most and that plagued her with guilt and a little bit of resentment. _These feelings aren't going to go away overnight. Hell, they might never go away. Maybe I'll fall in love with her, but that's okay. She's family now and that's more important than some silly crush._


	34. Desperate Gambit

The creaking of the door was even louder than Chandra predicted. She figured the only explanation for the comically blaring noise was to serve as security before alarms existed. She knew that if Liliana was in this building, there was no way she wasn't alerted to her arrival.

The entryway was vast with several doors or halls to turn down. With so many points of entry, the light of the moon surrounded her as if she were outside. Opposite of her at the other end of the room were a spiral staircase in each corner that led up to the next floor and above her, a bridge that seemed to connect two hallways of the house

With so many options, it dawned on Chandra how little she had prepared. _Even if I'm in the right building, this could take forever._ As she began eeny meenying the various paths she could take, the echo of the structure became even more apparent when she heard a clacking coming from somewhere above her. When she timed the breaks in the noise, she concluded, _she's walking, slowly._

After a few steps, the noise stopped. _If I can hear that, I know for sure that she could hear me coming in_. It then occurred to Chandra that Liliana wasn't expecting her, nor was she familiar enough with her pattern of reckless behaviour to assume she'd show up like this. _She's probably lying in wait to attack this random intruder that snuck into her house._

“Liliana, it's me.” It took a few seconds, but the steady rhythm of steps continued, quicker now and getting closer. Liliana appeared on the bridge above her and Chandra was surprised to see her sister hadn't dressed up for the occasion. She was expecting something like a floor length dress, and maybe a tiara, but seeing her bundled in a heavy assortment of street clothes brought the cold air of the house to her attention.

“What are you doing here?” There was no animosity or excitement in her voice. Liliana was clearly baffled by the situation.

“I'm here to bring you home.”

“Why?”

“Because....” _I probably should have planned this a bit better._ “Because it's your home and it's where you should be.” Chandra had no intention of waiting for an invitation and darted for one of the spiral staircases, feeling even more absurd climbing it than she imagined. _Who the hell thought these things made sense?_ Liliana looked shocked by the advance, but she held her ground.

Chandra already knew she was imposing and the concerned look on her sister's face solidified that, but she needed to finish what she came here to do. _She needs to know I'll find somewhere else to live so she can go home._ “Liliana, I -”

“I suppose,” Liliana cut her off so effortlessly that Chandra was convinced she hadn't been heard at all. “It would be rude not to give you the tour.”

 _I don't really want one._ Chandra knew a walkthrough of this 800 room house would get unbearably boring by the fifth room. _I guess if it will make her feel better._ “Uhhh, sure.”

Liliana turned back the way she came, down a hallway that was almost devoid of light. Unlike the entryway, moonlight wasn't shining through it though that didn't slow Liliana's stride. Chandra never had a problem getting around in the dark once she was familiar with an area, but this house was at least twenty times larger than anywhere she had lived and she was impressed with her sister's confidence in the growing darkness.

As they walked down the long hallway, all Chandra could make out was the general outline of door frames, so she knew they had walked past at least eight rooms before Liliana finally stopped. As Chandra wondered if Liliana knew what a tour was, her sister opened the door to their right. Before entering it, Chandra could tell it was almost as bright as the entrance. She walked into the massive room that was empty – save for the biggest bed she had ever seen and purple drapes hanging on either side of a window that encompassed almost an entire wall.

“This,” Liliana proclaimed as she stared out the window, “is the bedroom of the first daughter. For hundreds of years, the first girl of every generation would call this her own.” On paper, Chandra would have seen this as a brag, but she could hear the melancholy in her sister's voice and knew what she was getting at. “And I will be the last.”

Liliana turned back and her eyes revealed her boredom. Chandra figured this was probably her hundredth time telling this story even though it was probably the first time telling it to another person. “That was the worst part about leaving this room behind – knowing no more memories would be made in here.”

“At least it went out on a high note.”

Liliana began to parade around the room with uncharacteristically pronounced steps. “These walls have forged chemists, physicists, doctors and explorers. What am I compared to all that?”

Chandra knew this kind of insecurity well. Failing to live up to your last name had been a source of shame for her since the war started. She summoned the most indifferent tone she could to lessen the embarrassment of getting sentimental. “You're the first one that had the sense and compassion to realize all this could provide the multiverse with more than anything any one person could accomplish.”

With that, Liliana stopped mid step and for the first time in as long as Chandra could remember, she smiled at her, but she remained silent and the awkwardness of that pushed Chandra to continue. “And with all due respect, if your ancestors aren't proud of what you've done, then fuck them.”

The fear that she had gone too far subsided immediately, drowned out by Liliana's laughter. It was unrestrained and its sincerity had the same uplifting energy as Jace's smile. With a lingering grin, Liliana came and lightly grasped Chandra's shoulder and said, “you two would have gotten along well and he would have loved the flowers.” Chandra could feel the unsettled warmth rushing to her face. “I would apologize for spying, but you are an uninvited guest.” Liliana, looking away, tightened her grip. “Thank you, Chandra.... Now, shall we continue?”

While still uninterested in the house, Chandra knew this was more of a therapy session for Liliana than a tour, so she gladly obliged and followed her sister as they went back past unremarked doors.

* * *

What Chandra got taken on was a sort of half assed tour that she concluded was just of the rooms Liliana had nostalgia for. She feigned interest in various mundane facts and was reminded of some particularly boring grade school field trips. She passed the time by fabricating possible memories of Liliana with her brother and father. She wanted to fit the mother in there, but couldn't find a way.

Eventually, they found themselves in what Liliana called a parlour that had the first view of the backyard. It, as expected, was as unkempt as the front but in the distance, she saw a small building with a light on. “Does this place still have power,” she asked still drenched in the darkness of some of the more isolated rooms.

“Only that building. It was a relief. I had forgotten there would be somewhere with heat for me to sleep in.”

“You were going to sleep in a tool shed?”

“That is not a shed.”

There was a silent understanding that it must have been servant's quarters and Chandra knew anything she said further on that matter would have come out snarky. “How long were you planning on staying here?”

Liliana made a clear effort to look away from Chandra before saying, “to be honest, I had not thought that far ahead.”

“Is it just empty in there or is there another giant bed?”

“Nothing in there but things.”

She emphasized the word things with a guilty undertone which made Chandra figure meant frivolous rich people things. “Even if they are unnecessary, a thing can be more than just a thing, Liliana. You don't have to feel guilty about that.”

“Would you like to see it?”

* * *

As Liliana unlocked the four locks on the door that had been behind a locked gate, she said, “Before you make any poetic assessments, the bars on the window were installed after the building was uninhabited.”

“I wasn't thinking that,” she lied. The small home was so distinctly normal that Chandra felt as if she had just walked back to the boring side of a magical portal in a closet, though usually in those stories, the home doesn't look like a hoarders. There was so much stuff chaotically stacked that she found herself unable to focus on any one thing long enough to identify it. “Why the hell is all this stuff here?”

“Dad figured it was more secure than a storage locker,” she said as she disabled two separate alarms. “This is all the stuff that is waiting to get picked up, or to find a new home.”

There was a lot of stuff, mostly in boxes and more than could fit in their home now without suffocating them. It struck Chandra as insane that all this was being left in an unmanned bunker. Liliana was lost in a painting that leaned against the wall, though she got flustered and turned when she knew Chandra had noticed her staring at it.

It was a beautiful piece of work and Chandra could see why her sister was enchanted by the vibrantly coloured hydra, emerging through clouds and surrounded by white spirits. It seemed to be descending on two women. “This is amazing. Who's this by?” She only asked because it seemed like what you're supposed to do. Liliana didn't respond which Chandra found odd as she was sure she spoke loud enough to be heard.

 _It's almost a shame this needs to be sold. It could easily fit in our place._ There was a signature hidden in one of its corners. Chandra couldn't make out most of it, but the end undeniably said 'Vess.' _One of them made it, so unless they have a famous artist somewhere in their family tree, this wouldn't even be worth anything._

Behind her, the sound of metal scraping rang throughout the room; Chandra turned to see Liliana holding an Épée with the confidence of someone that knew how to use it. “Seriously? You know how to use a sword too?”

“On a very basic level,” Liliana said as she gracefully mimed a parry and riposte – concepts Chandra learned watching Jace and Gideon fence. “I fenced in high school, though, by the end of it, my mediocrity became clear and I decided I was better off focusing on archery.”

“I guess that's why it's locked up in here.”

“It is locked up in here because even if I did still fence, this sword would still be sold for enough to build three new schools in Towabara.”

“What's so special about it?”

“It was forged about 500 years ago as a gift to a samurai that defended a sacred temple from pirates. The monks of the temple blessed it in the shrine of O-Kagachi and in the shrine of Michiko and Kyodi.”

Realizing she had jut name dropped a bunch of things Chandra was clearly confused about, Liliana approached the painting, using her sword as a pointer, directed Chandra to the hydra. “O-Kagachi, the first spirit guardian of Kamigawa.” Her Épée then pointed at the two women. “Michiko and Kyodi, they killed O-Kagachi when he became blinded by rage and now they protect the plane. I never gave any credence to the myth, but I still thought owning the weapon was exciting.”

Chandra knew she'd forget all of this by the end of the night, but the sad expression on her sister's face as she turned around would stay with her for some time. With hesitation, Liliana said, “My mom painted this. I apologize for ignoring the question earlier.”

This seemed like an opportune moment to ask something along the lines of, 'so what the fuck is up with your mother anyway?' But Liliana didn't give her a chance. She darted past Chandra while saying, “if you enjoy this kind of weaponry, I have something back here you might like.”

Liliana shoved aside some boxes, revealing a door to the rest of the quarters. After she unlocked another quintet of locks, she invited Chandra in. Whatever Liliana had planned to show her in this room became irrelevant as soon as Chandra poked her head inside what she assumed was a bedroom. No sword, axe, armour or anything else could have drawn attention away from the prize in the middle of the room that made her call out, “HOLY SHIT!”


	35. The Armory

The yelp surprised Liliana; Chandra even managed to startle herself with her own enthusiasm. “Why is there a Kaladesh Fleetwheel in here!?” Unlike newer models, the outdated three wheeled racer was closer to a motorcycle than any car. It had been designed for pro races on Kaladesh, but designers managed to come up with bulkier _(and uglier)_ models with a cockpit that didn't force drivers to slow on turns. A modern dragster could take a 90 degree turn with ease, whereas you'd most likely die trying it with the vehicle Chandra was drooling over.

Chandra ran past her sister to inspect to Fleetwheel up close – struggling to keep her hands to herself. Liliana said something behind her, but it was too calm to be heard over the staggering energy powering Chandra's excitement. She knew nothing about Liliana's brother and even less about her mother, but she concluded by process of elimination that it had to have belonged to one of them. _There's no way her or Jovi would drive something like this, right? Then again, I wouldn't have guessed she'd be able to handle a bow like an expert hunter either._ “Is this yours?” It was clear how desperate for a 'yes' she was.

Liliana chuckled with uncharacteristic sarcasm, implying she found the idea even more unbelievable than Chandra had. “It belongs to dad.” Chandra was unable to contain a condescending expression which encouraged Liliana's grin as she clarified, “he never rode it?”

Chandra turned back to the vehicle that was much more fascinating than the conversation. Crouching, with no more than an arms length away, she admired the signature gold and blue paint job while noting its pristine shine. _This poor thing hasn't gotten the least bit dirty in a long time._ “That's a pretty half assed attempt at a midlife crisis.”

“It was a gift.” Chandra could hear the slighted undertone and even feel Liliana's eyes rolling as she stepped closer. “If I recall, dad sponsored a racing team. They won something, so they gave him the bike they won with.

Winning a race didn't mean much. There were hundreds on Kaladesh every year, but if winning was profitable enough to warrant giving this away, it must have been a race of note, so it wasn't a totally outside chance that Chandra would recognize the name. “Do you remember who the driver was?”

“I know nothing about it. Until now, I had not even known where it was from.”

“That's a shame.” Liliana took to wandering around the room as Chandra continued to marvel at the treasure, circling it, gawking at every minute detail. _Looks custom, so there's no year, but th_ ese _were entirely phased out before the war ended, so probably fifteen years old._

She reached the head of the bike and as she noted the larger than average front wheels ( _makes it tougher to knock around and easier to knock people around with_ ), a shelf behind the tail end of it crossed into her field of vision and a helmet lay next to some small boxes and suddenly, the bike was no longer the most compelling thing in the room.

Running around the vehicle, almost breaking her rule of not touching it in her haste, she needed to inspect the helmet to be sure of what she saw. Along the side of it, a thick gold stripe that broke off into finer, curved lines at the bottom and, up close, there was no denying it. This time, she didn't scream out. Her excitement was so overwhelming that she shut down; her voice became quiet and laboured as if she had taken a jab to the gut. “Th...This was....Depala's bike?”

Liliana heard her, but looked around in silence, searching for someone else that could make sense of that question. There was an inscription on the other side of the helmet that Chandra struggled to read through the shaking of her own body. _Jovi, you've helped more people than you can imagine. Forever grateful, Depala._

Abandoning the helmet, Chandra returned to admire the bike with more appreciation than she could have thought possible. “I can't believe it. This is really her fucking bike!”

“I take it Depala is someone famous.”

Chandra had to take a moment to forgive her sister's ignorance. “Uhm, yeah. She's pretty much the best and coolest racer ever.” She could hear the 10 year old in her as she spoke. “There's no one on Kaladesh that doesn't know who she is.” Chandra went silent as she got lost in reminiscence, finding herself too emotional to keep up her hype. “And Depala....She fought with us.”

“She was a renegade?”

“Yeah... Hey! I guess your dad funded a terrorist,” she chuckled at the fact. “I met her once.” Liliana moved closer, expressing interest in the story. “I overheard my mother say she was going to meet her to talk about working with us and like the brat I was, I demanded to come with her. We met her in some alleyway. I can't even remember where.”

Chandra noticed how captivated Liliana had become so she turned around, her storytelling becoming more animated. “My mother explained everything to her, that her life and career would be in jeopardy, but she didn't hesitate for a second. Before my mother could even finish her pitch, Depala committed to do whatever it took to make Kaladesh a free plane. My mother had made me wait around a corner, but when they were finished, I stuck my head out.” Chandra couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

“Boy oh boy, did I get in trouble for that. I could see the impending punishment on my mother's scowl, but I didn't care. Depala saw me and her face turned from the serious face of someone discussing war terms to this overwhelmingly cheerful smile.” Chandra sighed the kind of wispy sigh usually reserved for people recalling their first love. “She called me over, knelt down and told me, 'I'd be honoured if you would let me fight by your side.' I still can't believe I didn't throw up.”

Chandra could tell from her thin but pronounced smile and slightly misty eyes that if Liliana wasn't so committed to maintaining an air of dignity, she would have squealed out an, 'awwww.' _Understandable. It is a cute story_. “Fuck. If I could go tell little Chandra that one day she'd get to see one of her racers too, I would have fought that war twice as hard.”

“Did you ever ride one of these things?”

“Tons of times.” _Man, they're going to sell this thing and I could never ask Jovi not to._

“I wish I knew where the keys were. I doubt dad would care if you rode it as long as you were careful.”

Chandra could feel her body become rigid and eyes go wider than they ever had, like a cat that just spotted a snack. Too overwhelmed to remember the concept of personal space, she got all too close to Liliana and asked, “are you serious?”

“Yes?” It sounded like she thought it was a trick question.

“Liliana, I'm serious right now.” Chandra was even talking faster than normal. “I need the absolute, honest truth from you. Do you really mean that if we could start this thing, you'd be cool with me riding it?” _God, please say yes._

“Yes, but I really have no idea where the keys are.”

“Is there anything in here as thin as a wire and made of metal? Preferably not something blessed by the gods of your ancestors.” Not surprisingly, Liliana understood what she was getting at and didn't seem to approve. “It won't damage it, I swear.”

Curiosity seemed to get the better of Liliana and the two began searching for something suitable, eventually finding a third security alarm that was likely deemed not worthy. Chandra busted it open and found some wiring that would do the trick. She fiddled around under the bike, unplugging various things that provided power to other things. Both of her parents were tech savvy, inventors and geniuses and Chandra felt she was anything but. This was a source of shame for her, but every time she could channel her parents' spirit, it made it all the more satisfying.

“Got it!” Chandra pulled her head out from under the bike and they began the arduous process of working the large bike through doors that were only inches wider than the Fleetwheel. Bobbing up and down the entire time, Chandra wasn't sure she had ever felt anticipation like this as they inched closer to her wildest dream.

“Why do you know how to do that?”

“When you're a rebel, you pick up various skills.”

“Did you pick up this particular skill before or after the war was over?”

“Just help me get this thing outside.”

* * *

After inching the bike through the doorways Liliana ran back in side and reemerged with the helmet that gave birth to this defining moment and handed it to Chandra, who, with confidence she didn't think was there said, “If I wear it, what are you going to wear?”

Liliana looked disappointed, assuming something so dumb couldn't come out of her sister's mouth. “Absolutely not.”

Climbing onto the bike, Chandra felt a wild sensation of panic merged with excitement, one she hadn't felt since confessing her feelings to Nissa years ago and it seemed all too appropriate that Liliana was here for this one. “I won't even go faster than a regular bicycle.” Examining the lawn, she added, “I can't even go faster than a regular bicycle.” Patting the small space behind her, Chandra could see she was winning Liliana over.

After nearly a minute of antsy consideration, Liliana yelled out, “Fine! You promise not to go too fast?”

Chandra gestured to the stone barriers that surrounded the vast yard. It would be a substantial walk from end to end but the size was now relative. “If I go as fast as this thing can, we would both die. I'd like to avoid that.”

Liliana sighed and climbed on behind her as she put on Depala's helmet, Chandra was feeling some regret that she wouldn't get to wear it herself, though that had noting to do with safety.. Instinctively, she reached behind her to grab her sister's hands, and wrapped them around her waist, only realizing the intimacy of the action after it was too late. An adolescent lump in her throat formed as she tried to not enjoy the firm grip on her hips, instead focusing on the slight resistance on the start button as the engine went from its anticipating purr to a full roar. The familiar noise and trembling beneath blew away all of her apprehension while she was fairly certain Liliana giggled behind her.

As promised, Chandra didn't push past 30 kilometers and even thought it felt more like she was on a toy than a legendary racer, it was still invigorating. She hadn't driven anything on Dominaria and the breeze here felt different somehow – colder, but in a refreshing way like sitting in front of a house fan; even though it was not what she was used to, Chandra still felt at home

For the first time, Chandra really understood the concept of being a sibling, though she wasn't feeling in the position of being an adult with a slightly older sister. She felt like the senior that had convinced a much younger sister that a ride at an amusement park isn't scary as she lead Liliana on kiddy coasterlike predictable, slow laps. The longer they were at it, the looser Liliana's grip was and Chandra could feel the fear behind her getting blown away by the gentle wind.

Having as much of a fill as she could going so slow, Chandra pulled back in next to the servant's home and put the bike back to sleep and hopped off; she wanted to bow down and kiss the bike out of respect but decided it might have seemed a little odd. “Pretty fun, right?”

“So fun!” Turning away, Liliana seemed to immediately regret this loss of composure. “It was enjoyable. Thank you, Chandra.

_Would have been nice to give this thing the ride it deserves, but at least it finally got used and now she's in a good mood, so it's time to talk._ “Okay, we need to talk about-”

“It would have been interesting to go a little faster.”

_That's the third time she's ignored me._ It was getting annoying. “Like I said, there's no room.”

“We would have plenty of space if we took it somewhere else.”

“Absolutely not.” The big sister vibes were getting stronger and Chandra wasn't enjoying it this time. She felt out of place being the voice of reason.

“Why not? You know how to drive these things, right?”

“Well, the moral implications of taking a vehicle that doesn't belong to us aside.” Chandra couldn't believe she was having to explain something so obvious, but the look of wonder on her sister's face finally clued her in. _Look at this house she grew up in; how she speaks and how she acts is so reserved, when she's at home, she's almost always in her room studying. She's never stolen a car, been arrested or fought a war._ Chandra realized that the pathetic excuse for a joyride they just took might have been the most adventurous thing Liliana had ever done, so she could understand her pining for more.

“It's too dangerous.” It wasn't, but Chandra could hear the echo of her promise to her dead stepbrother.

“Are you or are you not confident in your ability to pilot this on the road?”

“Of course I am, but margins of error exist.”

“Should I never do anything with the slightest chance of danger then?” There was resentment in her voice, but Chandra could tell it wasn't actually directed at her and it was painting a picture of her childhood.

“We don't have two helmets.”

“Would you be afraid for your own safety without one?”

Chandra's inability to honesty disagree with Liliana's points was weighing on her, as was the increasing desperation in her pleas. She had caused nothing but problems for her sister since they met and Chandra was desperate to make it up to her and desperation had a tendency to overrule logic. _There really isn't any danger. There's nothing around here but this fortress so even if it wasn't this late, there'd be no other cars on the road and half of this things top speed is probably enough to satisfy her._

“Fine, I wouldn't be worried, but this still isn't our bike and stealing my stepdads car is way too basic for me to stomach.”

"As long as we keep ourselves and the bike safe, dad would be fine with it.” As determined to do this as Liliana was, Chandra was fairly certain her character wouldn't allow her to tell a lie like that.

A drawn out, exaggerated sigh was enough of a cue to top off Liliana's excitement. “Fine. We're going to do a lap around your weird castle and I'm staying ten kilometres below to speed limit.” _Maybe she'll be in a good enough mood when we get back that she'll actually fucking listen to me._

Liliana positioned herself on the back end of the seat and fastened her helmet again. Chandra got on in front of her, and her sister didn't need prompting to secure herself to Chandra's waist. “Now how the hell do I get out to the road?”


	36. Torch of Defiance

The refreshing Tolarian air felt nice enough going at a child's pace, but approaching 60 was breathing life into Chandra that her short adulthood hadn't known. For the first time since she laid eyes on Liliana, the last thing she wanted was her sister's hands grazing her sides. Were it not for the presence behind her, Chandra could easily have doubled the bike's speed, but she was firm in her resolve not to pass the speed limit.

For all the disappointment in the circumstances, Chandra was still satisfied with the time Liliana was having. Compared to the vise she felt on her hips when they first started, the grip on her now was barely a tickle and it took her back to her first time riding one of these things and the ecstasy that came with letting go of fear and enjoying the ride.

It had been dark for a while and despite not having checked the time, Chandra could tell they were much closer to sunrise than the sunset based on the high percentage of vehicles that passed them being shipping trucks. The roads had to be built around the awkward and wide shape of the manor, so what should have taken fifteen minutes was approaching twice that.

Save the rumbling of the trucks, it had been a silent lap until a blaring noise from behind them reminded Chandra of a lesson she learned from her younger years. The worst part of being somewhere empty is that it's impossible to pretend you thought the police were trying to get someone elses attention.

_Fuck!_ She yelled to herself as she pulled over, the feeling of Liliana's helmet coming off behind her. _I was so careful. What could this asshole possibly_.... Dread washed over her as she realized her downfall and she was furious at herself for being so dense. _This thing doesn't have a plate on it_.

As Chandra turned the engine off, Liliana said behind her, “This is an unexpected twist.” She sounded neither excited nor panicked as if she was still assessing the situation. _Either that or the euphoria is mixing with anxiety to create something bland._ Chandra didn't need a pause though. She had the ability to plot out several possible avenues quickly, so she knew right away how screwed she was.

“I'm fucked.” She wanted to hide the panic for Liliana's sake, but the whine in her voice gave her away.

“I doubt it could be all that bad, right? We did not steal the vehicle.”

The cop wasn't out of the car yet, so Chandra took a few breaths to gain composure. If she was going down, she at least wanted to do it with dignity. “Is this bike mine?”

“Of course not.”

“Is it yours?”

“I suppose not.” Some apprehension had snuck it's way into Liliana's voice.

“And even if Jovi doesn't press charges against me, there's still a nice long list of laws broken here. Driving without a helmet, driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle, having a passenger on a single person bike.”

“Pardon?”

“Driving without a license.”

“Why do you not have your license with you?” Liliana was hissing now.

“I don't have it with me because I don't have one.”

“What!?”

“Plus I'm going to end up telling the cop to eat shit or something.”

There was finally a pause in the conversation, seemingly for Liliana to recompose herself too. “You could possibly try not doing that.” Her tone was calmer, but still had a quiver in it.

“You and I are very different people.”

“What is going to happen then?”

“Assuming your dad doesn't press charges against you, as far as I know, you haven't actually broken any laws. Nothing worth locking you up anyway.” _But she is still going to get arrested. How could you let this happen, you fucking idiot_? Chandra finally turned to face her sister to reassure her; when there eyes met, she was impressed how well Liliana was hiding her panic when she spoke. Her eyes were failing that task though.

_What is she so worried about?_ There were a long list of reasons to be freaking out, but Liliana had a look that Chandra recognized under the light of a lone post. Calling it fearful wouldn't do it justice. It was absolute desperation, the kind that she associated with village raids. “Really, dude. You're not going to prison.”

“I know that....”

“Well then, what-” Chandra was silenced by the sound of an opening door. _Is she really THAT worried about me? As much as I hate to say it, my mother is a famous political figure and my step father is one of the richest people on the plane so I'm probably going to sneak my way out of trouble too and she must know this, so why does she look like we're about to get murdered?_

“There has to be something we can do.”

“Other than getting arrested, there's only one way out of this.”

“That is a boorish suggestion, Chandra and I hope you were joking.”

Luckily, it only took Chandra a moment to realize what Liliana meant. “Uck, not that. I meant run.”

“Would you be able to?

“Absolutely, absolutely not. Well, yes, I could, but I won't.”Her sister was now staring off to the distance, seemingly doing the math of their ability to flee as if she were the one driving. “Liliana, look at me.” When she returned to the moment, Chandra said, “There's no way I'm ever going to do anything that could hurt you ever again.”

Chandra wasn't under any assumption that saying this would diffuse the situation entirely, but she expected the sappy line would at least make Liliana feel a little better. Instead, it seemed to knock the last bit of confidence out of her as tears began to swell in her terrified eyes.

The door behind them finally slammed shut. _I really don't have time to get to the bottom of whatever psychological mess this is. Jovi doesn't seem like he'd have it in him to punish her anywhere close to enough to justify how hard she's freaking out, so there's something else going on here._ Chandra decided the best course of action was to hope Liliana could summarize the problem in a single sentence. “You need to tell me why you're so worried.”

She refused to say anything which was undeniably the worst possible response. _God fucking dammit_. The idea of running became more appealing, to escape whatever nightmare Liliana was having. If Chandra wasn't confident she could pull it off safely, she wouldn't consider it an option and would sooner consider pretending her sister was a hostage, or attacking the cop while she ran.

But she was confident. Turning away from her frightened sister, Chandra looked up. _Josu, if you'd like to give me some kind of sign, that'd be great._ When lightning refused to strike the dragster, Chandra decided that the sure thing in front of them was safer than the approaching mystery behind. “Put your helmet back on.” Chandra barked her order, unhappy with the situation.

“Are you really okay doing this?” The sharp change in Liliana's voice reassured Chandra that there was at least an okay chance she was making the right choice.

“Shut up and put it on. Hold on to me as tight as you can and do not let go for anything.” Once Liliana followed her instructions, Chandra said, “when we get to a point where we could turn to get back to your house....” She had to pause, unsure what a reliable signal would be and it needed to be foolproof as any kind of misinterpretation would probably lead them down a path they wouldn't be able to get out of.

She couldn't tell her to do anything verbal. Between the helmet and the intense volume of speed, it's unlikely Chandra would be able to hear it and she couldn't risk her doing something stupid like yelling, 'don't turn here.'

It couldn't be to squeeze tighter either. If Liliana followed her instructions, that wouldn't be possible and anything that required her to let go was out of the question. “When we need to turn, run your hands up to my chest, still holding on as tight as you possibly can.” She was impressed in the worst kind of way by the comical perversion of that direction and hated that there was no time to come up with something better. “Do you understand?”

She felt the helmet bob up and down against her back and heard a muffled, “yes.” Chandra waited a few more seconds for the cop to be about twenty steps away, brought back the dragster's power and shot off with the kind of acceleration she would expect from something the great Depala drove.

This gust searing her body wasn't refreshing as they passed 90kmh in a matter of seconds and finally had Chandra wishing she had her own helmet. She could make due without one, but it sucked whatever little fun could have been salvaged from the moment.

Between the head start and the maximum speed difference of the two vehicles, escaping the siren would have been child's play if the outdated dragster could take a turn properly, but she had to be careful and as the cop gained on them and the sparsely put street lights began to blur less, she realized she was being more careful than she needed to be and couldn't force herself to break through her hesitation.

The upcoming road was too dark for full details, but it was clear that it had too many twists and turns. Chandra knew she didn't stand a chance and was left with one option – stopping. Before Liliana had a chance to react she said, “don't take your helmet off, don't let go and trust me.” _If this piggy were smart, he would have called for backup, but I don't hear any other sirens and if he didn't while he was chasing us, he sure as hell isn't going to do it while we're stopped._

They waited in patient silence as nothing proceeded to happen for an eternity. Chandra knew she had to wait for them to make the first move and she couldn't believe her luck when she saw the officer step out of their car for a second time. _God, you're even dumber than I am and that is a low bar right now._ This time, she waited only long enough to see a weapon hadn't been drawn and could only imagine the profanities the cop was yelling as she turned her engine back on.

Chandra knew she couldn't win a race on the track they were facing, but the road behind them had been mostly straight; making an awkward u-turn, she felt secure in her plan despite the fact that no one would be stupid enough not to call this in by now.

After facing a few slight angles, Chandra was finally able to keep up a consistent 130kmh pace, for long enough to make the distance substantial. It wasn't long before she felt her chest cupped; disappointed at herself for enjoying the feeling, she was able to spot the path Liliana was alerting her to. The entrance to the manor grounds was dirt, so they had to slow dramatically, but they had been far enough ahead that it didn't matter.

Through a stroke of luck, the route lead them to the yard they had started from, and Chandra was able to pull up to the storage house. Without words, the two of them managed to cram the bike inside with haste. Chandra shut the lights while Liliana set the alarms, not removing the helmet until they were secured.

They could still hear the siren going and by the sounds of it, there was at least one more. Both of them stood still, in silence for a few minutes until it seemed the danger was in the distance when they both fell and began laughing with a glee that could only have come from escaping peril.

“Are we safe?” Liliana asked, gasping through her chortling.

Chandra had to wait until she focused the laughter away. She was already having a hard enough time breathing and had no interest in passing out. “That asshole went from just trying to fill a ticket quota, to losing us twice. He's probably not even going to report this, let alone get a warrant to search the area. We're fine.”

“That is a great relief. After that, I have a hard time understanding why you were so impressed with my archery. What you just pulled off was amazing.” _What I just pulled off was rash and idiotic. Normally I'd say that's me in a nutshell, but even I don't usually drag other people into these things. At least now finally seems like a good time to talk to her about-_ “What do you suspect mom would do if she found out what we did?”

Chandra couldn't justify being mad since Liliana hadn't technically interrupted her this time. “I have no idea what she'd do to you, but she would just guilt trip me. My mother knows that works better than anything. That's the problem with idolizing someone. They can make you hate yourself more than anyone else could.”

“That sounds like what my mom would do. It would be something about how I was not good enough to live up to either of my family's names and that her, or dad, or Josu would never behave so foolishly.”

_Fucking god._ How cavalier Liliana spoke about her past sickened Chandra almost as much as the story itself. _Mother never actually degrades me. That's just my interpretation._ “Liliana....Where is your mother?”

“Kamigawa, I believe. Researching her heritage.....She was never particularly warm, but when Josu died, she became increasingly distant. I believe she resented me for being the one that lived and hated that dad refused to view the situation the same way. She had no love left for either of us, so she moved on.” During this woeful tale, she didn't seem at all upset, but when she finished speaking, Chandra, with the hint of moonlight, could see her eyes and lips sink. “Sorry. I should not be complaining about this to you.”

Chandra knew what she meant. “My father may be dead, but that doesn't mean I'm the only one that gets to mourn the loss of a parent.” She reached out and put her hand on Liliana's shoulder. “I'm just glad that now you have a mother that loves you, even when you do something as stupid as taking a joyride on an incredibly dangerous vehicle.”

That brought the slight smile back and Chandra knew this was the perfect time to negotiate the terms for Liliana coming home, but she was, for one last time, cut off before having the chance to speak. “I need another day or two to say goodbye to this place, then I will come home.”

“I'll take it.”

They went on to talk for hours, mostly Liliana probing Chandra for info about their other friends, trying to make up the gap in knowledge. It wasn't until sunlight began creeping in that they finally slumped over each other.


	37. Reality Shift

_I have to tell mother and Jovi what happened,_ Chandra had thought to herself as she dozed off on her sister's shoulder. Her internal alarm managed to wake her up after only an hour of sleep and she fought through her exhaustion, leaving Liliana to continue sleeping among the clutter.

Filthy and greasy from adventures and sleep deprivation, Chandra got home with only a couple minutes to spare before her mother and Jovi appeared in the living room. She gave them what she considered the important details, and they seemed satisfied, particularly Jovi; she felt proud of the completion of her mission.

Holding in until the sun began to set, Chandra gave in to a erratic sleep that she fell in and out of.

 

* * *

It was unclear how many times she had woken up, or what time it was when she finally found herself wide awake. All that was clear was that it was still nighttime. She refused to look at her phone because she was afraid to find out that it was 3:00am and she was stuck awake.

Stubbornly refusing to open her eyes, she had no idea how long it was until she started hearing voices. _Mother and Jovi are still awake. Maybe it's not that late._ Chandra finally gave up and checked the time as she rolled out of bed. _It's almost 4. What are they still-_ As she approached her door, the quiet conversation became a little clearer. It was definitely her mother, but the second voice was Liliana.

_She's back!_ Chandra was excited as she was surprised. When she told someone she would do something in two days, she'd spend the first day coming up with an excuse for why she would need three of four. She certainly didn't do anything over a day early.

They were speaking quietly, likely to avoid waking anyone, but before she could go out and greet her sister, one word in the conversation reached her – Liliana saying her name. Chandra doubted they were discussing anything scandalous, but she decided to try and spy anyway. It seemed like a mostly wasted effort – only a few words were reaching through the closed door.

Through those words, she was able to at least piece together some context. Liliana seemed to be telling a story that involved both of them. _I guess I was a little sparse on the details of last night._ The conversation was growing increasingly one-sided and slower. Her sister was taking long pauses. Either her mother's voice had gotten even more silent, or Liliana was hesitating.

_Junk?_ The word had such a pronounced sound to it that it was impossible not to hear. Chandra concluded they must have been talking about the quarters turned storage unit they had fallen asleep in. _Is she going to tell her about what we did with the dragster?_ If that was the case, she knew it was too late to do anything about it. _Barging out now probably wouldn't stop her and even if it did, mother would press her to finish. I guess we'll see where this goes._

There was an even longer pause now which Chandra took as confirmation that Liliana was confessing to something; when she spoke again, none of the words made it to her with one exception. Clear, thanks to it's pronounced beginning and end, it paralyzed her with a realization. That Liliana hadn't said 'junk.' When Chandra heard her sister say kiss, she knew, _she said drunk._

Chandra had assumed Liliana remembered the details of the night they kissed and were just in silent agreement not to speak of it. Now that pact was broken and much, much worse, her mother knew. There was such a surge of emotions going through Chandra that she had no interest in identifying and even less in subsiding them.

She slammed the door hard enough to nearly off it's hinges and burst into their living room and screamed with an unprecedented ferocity....

* * *

_What the fuck is wrong with you. I actually said that to her._ When Chandra had fallen asleep earlier, she was in such a state of disarray that she had forgotten to take her shoes off, so there was no chance her mother or sister could have kept up with her when she bolted from her home, though given her adrenaline, she probably could have outpaced them with bare feet

_She had every right to tell mother, or anyone for that matter about what I did to her_. Chandra had run to the park where she had hidden herself last time she ran away from home. This time however, she sat at a bench just outside of the entrance closest to her home. She wasn't concerned for her own safety, but figured Liliana might come looking for her, and she didn't want to risk her following her in, so she waited, illuminated by street lights.

_But still, she cares about mother. I get why she would need to talk to someone after getting taken advantage of like that but there must be a better choice for everyone's sake._ Chandra could feel seething self loathing building up as she got to her feet to yell at herself more dramatically. _How dare you? How can you stand here complaining about what SHE did? This is your fault you pathetic, disgusting monster_.

Chandra's anger physically manifested itself in the knocking over of a nearby newspaper box that slowly crashed, most likely disturbing the people sleeping in their homes across the street. She sat back down, still ashamed, but calmer. _Go ahead and call the cops, someone. What the fuck do I care at this point?_

Over the course of her reckless life, Chandra had screwed herself more than a couple times, but this was the first in which she couldn't perceive a way out. There likely wasn't anything that would make her face her mother; in any other circumstance, she would reach out to Gideon or Nissa, but Chandra refused to ask for sanctuary given why she was running.

Silently stirring for a while, face to the ground, her wish was eventually granted by a tired, looming voice. “Miss, did you knock this over?”

She looked up and saw a fairly unimposing man in uniform with an unimpressed expression who clearly didn't want to be here. Chandra, with no tact at all responded curtly, “if I had, would I have stuck around?”

“Maybe.” He leaned in a little to try to sniff out the smell of booze. “If it wasn't you, why would you sit down next to it?”

“Do you see any other benches around?”

He ignored her question. “Do you have somewhere to sleep tonight?”

“What answer will make you leave me alone?”

“Do you have any identification on you?”

“No.”

Chandra's instincts told her the officer was getting impatient. “Can you tell me your name then?”

“No.” Chandra wasn't sure why she said that. She knew if she gave an honest answer, the cop would probably have left her be.

“If that's how you're going to be,” the officer muttered as he gripped Chandra's wrist. “I'm either taking you home or to the station.”

Being touched by a stranger was not exactly Chandra's favourite thing, but having a cop do it was infuriating. He didn't need to pull her up from the bench for her to stand facing him and hiss, “arrest me or fuck off.”

His grip tightened as he reached for his belt with his spare hand. “Have it your-”

“Chandra!” _Oh, great_. While the officer looked over to Liliana's calling, Chandra wondered if she'd rather just get arrested than be saved.

“So you do have a name.” Chandra could tell he was much happier to see Liliana than she was.

“Is there a problem here?” Liliana was laboured in her speech. She had clearly been putting effort into her search.

“Do you know her?”

“Yes. This is my sister.” The cop seemed suspicious of the response and rightfully so. The two looked nothing alike. “There was an incident at home, but that has been resolved. I can get her back safely.”

Chandra felt the strain on her wrist loosen. “Right....I don't suppose you have some ID or at least a name you're willing to tell me.”

“Karpani Nalaar and this is Chandra.” It was lucky, Chandra thought, that the officers attention was not on her anymore to see the look of bewilderment on her face. “I apologize if she has given you a hard time. It has been a long day.”

The hand around Chandra's wrist finally broke free. “Fine. Just don't do anything else that makes me have to come out and waste my time.”

Once he was out of earshot, Chandra turned to her sister and asked, “Karpani? I wasn't expecting you to give a fake name to a cop. Honestly, I assumed once you told him your real name, he'd apologize and thank your family for a donation or something.”

“Yes, he probably would have but I knew that would irritate you, so I decided against it.” Chandra's comment had been in jest and she was fairly certain Liliana's response wasn't. “We should probably find somewhere else to talk....That is, if you can stand to be around me.”

_I can't, but that's just out of shame._ “Lead the way.”

They silently searched for somewhere more secluded but still outside of the large park they were circling and eventually found a garden that mostly cloaked in darkness, but they seemed to agree that the two of them together were likely safe anyway. They were sitting comfortably before either spoke. “Why did you come looking for me?”

“To apologize. I knew what I did might hurt you, but based on your reaction, I clearly underestimated how badly. I really was just trying to do the right thing.”

“How could this possibly....” _No. This isn't her fault._ “You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one at fault here.” Chandra was trying her best to stare off into the distance but she knew her sister was intently focused on her.

“That is absurd.” Liliana said this with such desperation that Chandra was almost willing to believe it. “This is in no way your fault. Of the two of us, I am the only one that has done anything wrong.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I'm the one that behaved recklessly; I'm the one that knew what she was doing and I'm the one that hurt you.”

Chandra felt Liliana's hand gently slide over hers as she apprehensively asked, “Chandra.... What do you think it was that I told mom?”

Finally turning to meet her sister's stare, it was tough through the darkness to pinpoint Liliana's expression, but it seemed to be some combination of despair, confusion and fear which didn't make sense to Chandra until she had an overwhelming realization.

When she overheard Liliana and her mother talking, she put together some of the words together to complete the puzzle of what they were discussing. It took the grief on her sister's face for Chandra to realize she had missed a couple very important pieces. _Oh my god._

The two sat silent and still for the longest ten seconds of Chandra's life before she finally said with awe in her voice, “it was you.”


	38. Catharsis

“You're the one that dropped those books outside Ra....Outside the office.”

“Yes.” The pain in her voice, Chandra could tell had been building up for quite some time. “What did you think mom and I were talking about?”

“Oooh, uhhh.” _Thinkthinkthink_. “I thought you were talking about us taking the bike. I guess I didn't hear everything right.”

“This seems like a bit of an overreaction then, but I suppose that is beside the point. If you were that mad at me for telling mom about our juvenile escapade, I could not even guess how furious you must be now.”

_I wish I could tell her how relieved I am, but that would involve explaining why._ “I'm not angry, I guess.” _Am I really not or am I just riding this high of my life not being destroyed?_ “I'm mostly just surprised and very confused. What were you doing there with a textbook that wasn't yours?”

“Vivien had left it behind at practice. I promised her I would return it to her professor.”

_I guess that makes sense_. “But you were hungover. When I got home, you could barely form a sentence and that was hours later.”

“It was not an enjoyable outing.” Suddenly, for the first time since they had sat down, Liliana averted her gaze. “That came out wrong. Given the circumstances, I have no right to complain.”

“Okay, hold up. Why are you being all gloomy? I get that what happened is not the best, but I'm getting over it.” _You don't really believe that, do you?_ “There's no need to be all sad for me.”

“I am glad to hear that, but it does not change the fact that it should have never happened.”

“Well, yeah. No shit. Sometimes bad things happen.”

“That is not what I meant. I saw what was going on and failed to act immediately. Even worse, all I did was run away.... I failed you, Chandra.”

_God, she's been sitting on this all this time_. “Liliana...” Chandra grabbed her sister by the cheeks and turned her face back towards hers as if talking to an absent minded child. Contrary to her sister's downhearted expression, she could feel how wide her own grin was though she couldn't pin down the reason. It may have been that their kiss was still a secret, or the devotion Liliana was showing, or maybe Chandra was just relieved she finally had someone to talk to about this.

Chandra cooed, “you dumb, crazy, stupid girl.” Liliana seemed confused and unsure how to handle how the situation was developing. “You think you let me down?” It was too dark to see it, but Chandra could feel tears falling against her hands as she continued to smush her sister's face. “You saved me.”

“I hardly did anything,” she quivered. “You needed help and all I did was make some noise.”

“Who cares!? Who cares what you did or how you did it? I was disassociating. If you hadn't snapped me out of it, I would have been helpless. Don't you think for one more second that you should feel bad.” She finally released Liliana from her goofy face and embraced her. “I can't tell you how thankful I am.” Chandra knew this was working when her sister tried to control her crying by sniffing back some snot. She wished she had a camera to catch such an undignified moment. “Is this why you left home?”

Liliana nodded into her shoulder. “Every day, being around you made me feel increasingly unworthy. I decided the only appropriate thing to do was getting myself out of your life for a while, but when you showed up at the manor, I knew even leaving home was insufficient. I refused to believe there was nothing I could do, so I told mom. I assumed it would make you resent me enough that you would be okay letting me go, while giving her the chance to take care of you.” Liliana broke the hug. “I will admit that it was not a great idea.”

“Not the best, but I appreciate the thought. I have to ask though.”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Why,” Chandra raised her hand to make a soothing motion, “and I swear on my name I'm not upset, but why didn't you step in? You don't strike me as someone afraid of being direct.”

“At the time, I was worried that....”

“Yes?”

“I feel disgusted at myself for saying this, but I was worried if I barged in, I may have been stepping in on something....Consensual.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Chandra was not at all offended by her sister's rational. “But why were you able to come to a conclusion without asking me about it?”

“When you started becoming reclusive and stopped coming to school, I tried to convince myself it was a coincidence, but then you had your flashback. Before we were even out of that closet, it became undeniable that something must have happened to you and I came to my conclusion. I never thought I could be so mortified with myself.”

_That's why she looked so scared._ “Hey, speaking of that, I did punch you in the face.” Chandra gave her sister a light tap on the arm. “So that makes us even.”

“Can you take this seriously?”

“Well, I am actually. Hitting you aside, when I was stuck in my past, I knew soldiers were coming and I had a plan that could have saved you, but I froze up.” Chandra was thankful she had something to confess to try to descilate the situation. “You want to talk about letting someone down? I left you to die.”

“You were a child.” Liliana's arms became unusually animated. “I could never blame you for that. No one would ever blame you for that.”

“I was supposed to be a soldier. I was supposed to be better than that and I just sat there crying when I could have fo-” Chandra stopped herself in realization. “Huh...”

“What?”

“You and I have been tormenting ourselves about the exact same thing for weeks.”

“I suppose we have....”

“Would you like to maybe agree to stop feeling guilty?”

“Not particularly.”

“Yeah, me neither, but maybe, just maybe we can agree that we might be better off supporting each other instead of running away?” _That sounded way too emotionally mature to come from my mouth_.

“That sounds lovely, but the idea of allowing myself to share a wall with you. It just feels wrong.”

“Then we'll build a second fucking wa-.” _Calm down. Don't forget, just because she thinks she hurt you, doesn't mean you're not still guilty._ “You know what? It doesn't matter. If the problem is that it's too painful to be around me, I just won't be around.”

“You cannot be serious.”

“I sure can. That's what I came to your castle to tell you anyway. I promised mother and your father that I'd bring you home and that's where you belong anyway, so if this is what I have to do, then it's what I'm going to do.”

“That is an insane notion.” Her flailing continued, “what would you even do?”

“Stay at Jace and Gideon's. Go to Kaladesh for a little while.” Ready to leave, Chandra got up and brushed the dirt off herself. “At this point, what's the difference? I'm not doing this to emotionally blackmail you. I just want to make sure you know what's going on. Now get up and go home.”

Liliana stood up and the two were nearly eye to eye when they realized the poetic moment they were in. For the second time in as many days, they were witnessing the first inklings of a new dawn and Chandra knew whatever happened now, it was appropriate symbolism. “Why are you being so kind? Even if you do refuse to acknowledge my cowardice, I still violated your trust by bringing this to mom.”

“Maybe that was wrong, maybe it wasn't, but I sat still while my family was torn to pieces once. I'm not doing it again.”

Liliana's eyes retreated downward. Chandra was aware, before she said it, that would hit close to home. It wasn't why she did it – it was the most honest answer she had, but she could see the seed was now planted. Chandra knew introspection when she saw it, so she maintained quietness until Liliana finally spoke. “Living with my guilt – literally, will be difficult, but keeping you away from home would be unbearable.”

Wrapping their arms around each other again, Chandra could feel her sister trembling though she couldn't tell if it was crying, glee or simply her exhausted body giving out, but before she had time to conclude anything, an entirely different realization hit her out of nowhere and she began to laugh. She tried to contain it, but her own weightlessness left her powerless.

Still resting against Chandra, Liliana asked, “what are you laughing about?”

“The textbook you dropped was Vivien's, but the notebook – the one with all the poetry.”

“Oh god.” It was brief, but Chandra could swear she felt the vast widening of Liliana's eyes as her laughing became more unhinged and her sister pushed her away. “I would like to see you write any better.”

Chandra tried to wave away the offence she was giving off until she could finally speak. “There's no way I could. I'm sorry, the ones I read were good – some of them were just a little edgier than I'd expect from you.” Putting on a Terisiarian accent, she continued, “I come looking for demons. I find a plane full of angels.”

“My guilt is starting to fade,” Liliana said with a raised brow.

“Okay, okay, I'm done. Man, you have a lot of notebooks on your bookshelves. Are those poems?”

“Maybe.”

“That's....Wow. Even if they were bad, I've never put that much work into anything.” This appeared to win Liliana back over and the two began walking home. After a bit of silence, Chandra realized, “Oh, shit. I really should have let my mother know I was with you. She's probably freaking out.”

“I let her know I found you while I witnessed your impressive display of diplomacy with that police officer.”

“You were watching that!? Were you just going to let me get arrested?”

“Of course not. Like you said, I could have just told him my real name and he would have let you go.”

“I was kidding and now my forgiveness is starting to fade.”

Chandra was glad Liliana chuckled at that. “Speaking of mom. I was wondering, and feel free not to answer but why did you not tell her about what happened?”

By now, Chandra had admitted to herself that she was not exempt from the cliche that talking about your problems makes you feel better but this was still a sore subject to get in to. “At first, I told myself it was because I didn't want to mess up one of my mother's most important relationships. Eventually I realized....” She shrunk to a meek inflection. “I was afraid. If I told my mother what happened and she didn't believe me....I don't think I could have survived that.”

“I can let you know that your initial fear was justified. You have ended that relationship as well as the mug mom was holding when I told her, and our supply of banda-”

“I get it. Mother is on my side, but you're the one that told her. I have a history of being not so dependable with her.”

“Chandra, as someone that grew up with a mom that did not believe in the concept of unconditional love, I can assure you that our mom would support you with every bit of herself.”

* * *

They neared their door and spoke in whispers. “I wonder if mom is asleep.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Chandra knew there was no chance her mother had gone to bed while her daughter's were out there, suffering. Not surprising at all, Pia was not only awake, but standing in wait. When they were past the threshold, the clearly exhausted mother reached her hand out and her daughter recognized the gesture.

It was something Pia had learned to help Chandra through flashbacks. It was her way of offering a hug without scaring the girl and this time, the girl happily accepted and crept over to her mother's chest.

They held each other in silence for so long that Chandra almost fell asleep on her mother's shoulder, but before she was out completely, Pia said, “Dear, I don't need to know why you didn't tell me. Details don't matter. Just know that I'm here for you.”

Chandra was expecting herself to cry, out of joy, sadness or both, but she wasn't feeling either of those emotions. For the first time in weeks, she felt relaxed; her brain was taking advantage of her calm state and decided to flatline. Breaking the hug with the slightest bit of a smile, Chandra said, “I know mother.”

Now able to see over Pia's shoulder, Chandra noticed a fascinating sight on their kitchen table – a long, black metal case that she'd recognize anywhere. “My first instinct was to go confront her, but I decided it should be up to you. If you don't want me to to, we can just put this behind us.”

She could see the bandages covering her mother's hand; she could feel the warmth from Liliana as she hovered over the tender moment and in all this, Chandra could feel all the pain this situation caused her and her family and in her relaxed state, she was able to tap into her vindictive side. “Whatever you have planned, go for it.”

“Very well.” Pia turned, grabbed the case that had caught Chandra's eye and headed for the door. “You two get some sleep.”

“Are you going out now?” Liliana seemed surprise that even the eldest Nalaar had such an impulsive side.

“Of course.”

“Uh, mother? I get what you're going for, but is that really necessary” she asked, gesturing towards the unmarked item.

Pia slipped on some shoes and before leaving, turned to her kids and said, “I'm not going to use it – well, probably not, but I need to remind that woman of some very important things. Why she was captured and I wasn't, why I'm the hero of Kaladesh while she's a footnote. I'm going to make sure she never forgets that I could take her life, tell our people she was a traitor and I'd be celebrated for it. Now please, off to bed.”

The door closed behind her and Liliana slowly muttered, “Wow.” Even Chandra was in complete awe despite the number of times she had seen that kind of passion from her mother. “Chandra, what was in that box?”

“I guess you could call it a spoil of war. When we won, we tried to return all the technology the Consulate had confiscated, but some people refused to take their stuff, so mother took that as a going away present.” The idea of the creation being used as a symbol of justice excited Chandra. “It's a weapon, it's called the Sword of Fire and Ice and it is really fucking dangerous.”

“I never imagined dad would have what it takes to marry someone so strong.” It seemed like Liliana had tried to mumble that slightly quieter as she was taken aback when she saw Chandra beaming. “Oh, speaking of which. You woke dad when you left earlier. Mom told him she would explain in the morning. What would you like us to tell him?”

With a cavalier wave, Chandra headed toward her room. “He's family. Just tell him the truth.”

* * *

It was approaching Noon when Chandra was woken by her phone – an email sent out to her class by the head of the physics department informing them that Rashmi had a situation back home that required her attention and that their originally planned instructor, Dr. Jaya Ballard, would be replacing her.

The last bit of weight on her chest was lifted and she fell back in to tranquil sleep until the next sunrise.


	39. New Blood

In the following days, the Multiverse Chandra lived in was more or less the same, as was Dominaria, Tolaria and even her neighbourhood, but her home was an entirely different place. She could sense the lingering coddling and hesitation from her family. No one seemed to want to discuss all the turmoil in the previous weeks, but that suited Chandra fine. She had no interest in talking about it, though not in the 'it's too painful to think about' kind of way. The torment had died down to an occasional brief jab and the positives of her life were outweighing it too much for her to care.

The best part of her newly found mental freedom was finally establishing a relationship with Liliana. They had found comfortable conversation; between the ordeals the two had faced and this new, relaxed vibe, Chandra was hoping her feelings for Liliana would make a full shift to platonic, but it wasn't working. Each passing day filled her with thoughts she wished she wasn't having – moreso when she was alone in bed.

Even this wasn't so bad though. Her mind was free to remind her that she had dealt with unrequited love before and this would pass like they always had.

It wasn't until their first day back that someone finally brought up Chandra's mood. “Are you sure you want to come to school early, or at all? I can stay home with you.”

“The whole reason I'm coming with you now is to get used to being there before our class starts.” Liliana had a class mid morning and their physics class wasn't until later, but Chandra, to her own surprise, felt herself longing to be at the university and wasn't interested in waiting any longer. To soothe her sister's nerves she added, “if I start to feel overwhelmed, I'll come home. I know my limits.” This was entirely for Liliana's sake as Chandra was confident in her ability to tackle the day.

Once she was alone on the grounds, Chandra was a bit disgusted by the cliche she found herself in. The grass looked greener than she remembered despite the looming winter and everyone looked happier even though she knew this was one of the most stressful times of the semester. To cap this jovial moment, Chandra decided to do the most basic thing she could think of. _I think I'll go get a beer._

* * *

“Indian pale ale, please,” Chandra said as she presented her ID. She rarely drank beer and when she did, it was whatever someone handed her so she wasn't entirely sure what she had just ordered, but it was what the guy in front of her had asked for.

“Make it two.” Before she could turn to face the voice, a bandaged hand placed down something that looked almost like school ID on the counter. Chandra had to look up to see it was Vivien. “I've got this.”

“Oh, that's uhh....You don't have to do that.” As much as she didn't want someone else paying for it, she desperately didn't want the company of someone she barely knew.

“Trust me. Now go find us a seat.” Vivien seemed so pleased that Chandra decided not to protest further. The cashier went to swipe what she thought was a student card and she heard Vivien say softly, “add the usual tip.”

_I know we can get meal cards_ , Chandra thought as she searched for an empty space. _But they don't look like that and you can't use them here anyway_. The Short Shiv was the only spot on the massive campus with a liquor licence. It was obnoxiously small, spare seats didn't exist and alcohol couldn't leave the cafe, meaning she couldn't pretend she was taking this to go. Finding somewhere to sit was finding any small space on the floor not already occupied. In a stroke of luck, two adjacent ones stood out like bright lights.

Chandra claimed it and Vivien wasn't too far behind. When she was handed the drink, Chandra pulled out her wallet and said, “that was nice of you, but really not necessary. Let me-”

Vivien's spare hand reached out and pushed the wallet back. Until the arm brushed up against her, Chandra hadn't noticed how it and her other arm were very well defined and coated with tattoos. She thought the zoo of animals covering her arms was a little tacky but the look was still alluring and Chandra couldn't help but wonder if the sleeveless shirt in the day's chill was nothing more than an easy way to brag.

“The school pays for all my food. I think it's all kinds of messed up how well they treat athletes but I'd rather they buy you a beer than you give them anymore money than you already have.”

“How much do they let you spend?”

With air quotes, she said, “just don't spend too much.”

_I'm going to remember this next time they raise our tuition._ Chandra found Vivien's situation sickening, knowing full well that if she had kept up with track, she probably could have gotten the same treatment and how silly it would have been to give her free beer while more deserving students survived on water and noodles. “I wouldn't have thought there would be scholarships for archery....No offence”

“I was blown away when I found out, but I wasn't going to say no. They offered it to Lili too, but she turned it down. I told her to take it and donate the money but she said it was improper or some shit.” _That sounds like her_. “She says you coulda' got one too.”

“Yeah, track.” Chandra took a sip of her drink and it was all she had not to spit the bitter mouthful back into the bottle. “Long-distance running.”

Vivien seemed to enjoy her beer considerably more. “Why quit? Why pass on the free ride?”

Chandra felt a sting of guilt. The real answer was, _because I don't need a free ride_. “I hated it. When I learned to run, it was for a purpose.”

“To dodge the cops?”

“I guess my sister is pretty chatty.” _Though she seems to know a lot more about me than I do about her_

“I get it. When the fighting ends, nothing feels the same. Ya' feel great that the fear is over, but you still wish you could get that rush back.”

Chandra had never heard her own feelings described so perfectly by someone else and suddenly, Vivien was a very intriguing woman. “So who were you fighting.”

“The Nura,” Vivien said so casually that you wouldn't have guessed she was talking about an enemy.

It took Chandra a second to search her memory, but when she found it, her chest became clinched with pain and discomfort. After fighting for her home plane, Chandra made it her business to learn about other worlds shrouded in violence and corruption and it was not a short list. The dictatorships of Kephalai and Amonkhet, the vast inequality of Theroes, Vryn and Innistrad – these among others were a tragedy but the disgusting states of two planes made the Consulate run Kaladesh seem like a paradise.

The genocides of Mirrodin (Chandra refused to call it New Phyrexia) were heartbreaking but there were times she wished she had never learned of Skalla – where Vivien must have been from. The Nura and Smaragdi had refused to adopt the philosophy of mutually assured destruction and their unending war had recently led to the death of most of its inhabitants as well as leaving the plane uninhabitable.

“God, Vivien, I...” Chandra wanted to finish her sentence but she could feel her body's skittish withdrawal and hear the gloom in her voice. She hated the idea of showing more grief than the one grieving, but it was too late.

“Don't even sweat it. It's just refreshing to find someone else that gets it.”

“I wouldn't really say I get it. Yeah, things were bad on Kaladesh but relatively... You know?”

“Think about it from my point of view. When I came here, I got tossed in a fancy private school so they could watch the wild forest girl play sports – that's where I met Lili.” _That saves me the trouble of asking for an origin story_. “And now that I'm here, all that blue blooded noise followed me. Getting to talk to anyone that has more fingers than butlers is a breath of fresh air.”

Chandra exaggerated a shudder. “That sounds awful.” She could see Vivien appreciated the solidarity, but Chandra still couldn't shake the idea of the powerful woman sitting across from her seeing them as equals. She didn't just look strong. Her smile was so self assured (and her scowl likely frightening) and as beautiful as her eyes were, Chandra knew they could portray a killer instinct at will; this aura of confidence made it clear that one of them was a knight and the other, at best, a squire. “But I wasn't even a fighter. I ran. I was literally a professional coward.”

Vivien let go a deep laughter that should have attracted attention, but it sounded so natural that no one bothered to look. “I bet you think I'm tough stuff,” she said as she tapped on a firm bicep. “I cried all through my last year of training. I was hittin' bullseyes before I could walk, so they moved me on to the advanced stuff way early.”

“Was it that hard?”

“Only for my soul. Shooting a piece of wood did nothing for you in a fight, so they switched us up to moving targets and since none of those Nura were willing to help, we had to use animals.” She clicked her tongue. “Hunting was one thing, but using those poor little things as fakes for the people trying to kill us was messed up.”

Chandra chuckled awkwardly, “I don't know if I could have done that at all.”

“But hey, what's the difference? They all would have died anyway. At least I have something to honour them with,” she said, clearly referring to her tattoos.”

Reexamining her arms, Chandra said the only comforting thing that came to mind. “Well, it doesn't look like there's too many atleast.”

Vivien moved a hand up her arm to her shoulder. “You think these stop here?” Chandra's now busy imagination left a glaze over her eyes and if Vivien's smile going from cool to smug was any indication, she had noticed and wasn't surprised. “Enough of this depressing shit though. I'm actually glad I ran in to you.”

“Didn't want to drink alone?” Chandra asked knowing that's what her own answer would be.

“Nah, I'm fine with that. It's about the day we met – I know I was pretty aggressive and Lili said that wasn't your speed, so I'm glad I get a chance to say sorry.”

Chandra wanted to assure her that the only reason it bothered her was that she thought she was being mocked, but after her friends told her how stupid that was, she figured it best not to reveal that. “It's fine. I'm just not good with first impressions, or talking to people at all” This was followed with more nervous laughter.

“That's crazy. I think you're kickin' ass at it.”

She was unsure what to say but was spared the need. Chandra had been so enthralled with the conversation that she hadn't noticed the people sitting next to them leave or the tall, slender shadow move over them. “What are you two doing?”

Vivien exploded, “Lili! Park yourself.”

“I have no time.” Looking down at Chandra finishing the last of her beer, she added, “neither do you. Mom needs to talk to us about something in her office.

“Oh, uh, okay. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, but we need to go.”

Chandra shrugged, “I guess I'll see ya.”

“You better.”

As the two sisters walked away, Chandra asked, “have you been wandering around looking for me? Why didn't you just text me? _Why didn't mother just text me?_ Liliana stayed silent until they were out of view from The Short Shiv

“Should you really be drinking?” It was a question but it sounded like an order.

“Uhhh.” _It's just one beer_ , is what Chandra wanted to say, but given what Liliana had been through recently, she wanted to be understanding of the concern; her sister wasn't entirely wrong either. “Maybe not.”

“Was it her idea?”

“No, I had already ordered when she showed up. Shouldn't we be going?”

“I lied....Sorry.” She didn't sound particularly guilty. “You can go back if you want.”

_I was having a nice time with Vivien, but you obviously need me more than she does._ “Lets just go chill by class until it starts.”


	40. Reunion

“Does anyone need to ask any questions?” Dr. Jaya Ballard was as ancient and intimidating as Chandra remembered asking this in aged yet powerful voice. “Good. Now, time for a little exam.” The class erupted in a symphony of muttering as was standard for any pop quiz and Chandra could tell from the massive stack of paper her teacher had pulled out that there was nothing little about this test.

Someone asked the obligatory question, 'is this for marks?' Which was something Chandra never understood. Her pride was worth more than her grade so the quantifiable value of any test was never a factor in the work she put in – though that effort could vary.

Professionalism was clearly the only thing stopping Dr. Ballard from rolling her eyes. “Of course it's for marks. I need to see what you've all learned and if this is meaningless, half of you won't put in the effort and then we're all just wasting time. No one is to leave until the time is up, so you all may as well put your whole asses into this.”

A quick skim of the test reminded Chandra of how much time she had missed and her complete lack of studying. Once her mood had picked up over the break, she did get back to work with psychology but even Liliana agreed studying for this class was not an efficient use of time with the possibility that the entire curriculum getting discarded.

Worry clouded Chandra's mind and it was her least favourite kind – the fear of fear. She knew her current situation had some potential anxiety triggers and the idea of having a panic attack horrified her. If it happened then she'd know that - even with everything set right - she still couldn't handle being here and that was a daunting possibility. Ignoring the exam for a minute, she paused to take deep breaths and even though her eyes were closed, she knew Liliana was noticing it.

_I guess fucking up one test isn't that big a deal and even if this is worth something, she's not cruel. It's probably not going to count for much._ Chandra fumbled her way through the test, understanding about half of it – taking some solace that Liliana seemed to be hesitating as well. When their hour and fifty minutes were up, no one in the room seemed overly confident.

Jaya circled the room, collecting exams; she had started at Chandra's table and seemed to be skimming her test specifically as she rounded up the rest. Everyone was dismissed with an exception, “Ms. Nalaar, if I could have a word.” _Shit, was it that bad?_ To Chandra's surprise, she added, “Ms. Vess, you as well.”

When everyone else was gone, they both stood at attention in front of their teachers desk – something Dr. Ballard brought out in people. She was now skimming what Chandra assumed was Liliana's test. _Does she think I was cheating_? It was almost a full minute before Jaya finally looked up. “Chandra, It's a joy to see you again.” It was hard to tell if she really meant this, given her demeanour, though she never struck her as someone prone to sarcasm or mockery. “I wanted to discuss something with you.”

“That bad, huh?” Chandra asked, gesturing to the tests while she could feel her sister growing antsy next to her.

“Not up to your standards, but that's not what this is about. I wanted to inform you that if you ever want to discuss something with me out of class, we'll be doing it in a public setting.”

“Uhh, okay.... Why?”

Dr. Ballard look stuck trying to find the right words and seemingly failed. “I just think it would be best.”

It was then that the situation went further south than Chandra could have imagined. Before she could say, 'okay,' her sister reached down and grabbed Jaya's collar. “What are you so worried about?” Chandra knew what Liliana was getting at. The only reason she could think of why their teacher was saying this was to avoid an incident and there was no reason Jaya would be worried about an incident unless she knew there had already been one.

The problem with their current situation was that there were only two people that could have told Jaya what had happened – Pia or Rashmi; Chandra knew her mother wouldn't have said anything and she figured Liliana came to the same conclusion. That could only mean she heard it from Rashmi – heard Rashmi's side of the story.

“I spoke with Rashmi about why she left.” _Here we go_. “She said it was an emergency that required her immediate attention” _I guess mother phrased her threat right._ “Though she didn't specify what and my curiosity got the better of me, so I followed her.” Jaya didn't bother to pause to give the girls a chance to react to that bizarre reveal as if she thought it was a reasonable thing to do. “Whatever she was doing was no emergency.”

“You spied on her?” Chandra's fear had quickly shifted to intrigued shock.

“Of course. Frankly, I'm surprised how easy it was given her position in your rebellion. It was clear that she wasn't pulled back to Kaladesh so I concluded she was pushed out of Dominaria and the only one capable of such a swift and damning push is your mother.”

Chandra was now so enthralled in the brilliance of this story that she forgot her teacher was still in the grips of her sister.

“If Pia did such a thing, it would have had to do with either herself or you, which leads us to now. The difference between your test score and Ms. Vess,'” She said, casually gesturing towards the woman still holding her, “is much wider than your GPA gap which leads me to believe you missed quite a bit of class and from what your mother has told me about you, it would take something of great proportions to keep you at home. I don't know exactly what happened, nor do I need to, but the pieces are all there.”

There was finally a hold for applause but Chandra was too awestruck to move. If this were a cartoon, she knew there would be stars in her eyes and she was surprised any words were able to come out of her mouth. “What does this have to do with us speaking privately?”

“I know you feel you can trust me and I know you have confidence in your self-awareness, but it doesn't matter how sure you are or how much faith you have. The fact of the matter is that if you stood in front of my office, all the strength in the world would not guarantee you the courage to come in.”

In dramatic fashion, Jaya stood to finish – so seamlessly that Chandra was starting to wonder if her teacher even noticed the hold on her. “You are a remarkable woman, Chandra and I refuse to risk losing you to treacherous demons. Now, Ms. Vess, if you don't mind.”

A frantic flailing of limbs released the old woman. “God, Dr. Ballard, I forgot I was-”

“Don't fret, child.”

“You were telling that story and I just go so wrapped up and-” Chandra was enjoying her sister's violent act of love as well as seeing her flustered.

Jaya raised one of her now free hands to silence Liliana. “The multiverse can be a dark place. I'm glad you two have each other.”

“Thank you, Dr. Ballard.”

Before today, Jaya had been Chandra's favourite teacher; now it was clear that record was never going to be broken. It made the heartbreak of being happy Rashmi was gone just a little bit better.

“You're welcome and Ms. Nalaar,” she flashed Chandra's exam, “If the next thing you hand in isn't your best work, your mother will be the first to know.”

* * *

_Okay, first class coming back was a little emotional. Hopefully Psychology is a little more chill_. The two descended the stairs of the lecture hall with only a minute to spare. The auditorium was larger (or maybe the class was smaller) than she remembered and the heat was turned up higher than it needed to be. The awkwardly large steps felt like a maw and she became frustrated with herself as she passed rows of empty brown chairs.

_You know there's nothing to be anxious about, so quit being anxious, you idiot._ Liliana casually slid into a seat next to their friends who were already there, but Chandra paused. In the usual order was Gideon, Jace and Nissa, but between the hooded pretty boy and her bundled up, sleepy friend, there was an extra body; Narset – Jace's crush was sitting next to him. _Oooo what's this_?

They said their hellos and Chandra asked in a joking tone, “Uh-oh. Have I been replaced?” _Oh, god, have I?_

Nissa said with uncanny swiftness said, “Narset is way too grounded and responsible to replace you.” Oddly enough, the new girl seemed uninterested in the conversation which made it impossible to get a good look at her. Chandra sat and asked herself, _Did Jace actually ask her out? Maybe they're just friends – if they were together someone would have told me, unless I really am being pushed out_. She fought to shake out the irrational thoughts.

_Just focus on class._ Doing just that became taxing as Chandra was damning how late in the day this class went. With their original, now deceased teacher, the class was at a healthy time but as a rule, she avoided classes that lasted into the evening as this one did.

For the second half, she only registered 5% of what Bruse was telling them about the applications of qualitative analysis – though she was writing down each word per vadum. She mistakenly looked over at Jace and Narset a few times looking for clues, condemning herself each time. _It's not like they'd be holding hands or something. We're not 13._

When everything wrapped up, Chandra wasn't called to the front so she considered psychology to be a big step up from physics. She appreciated Dr. Ballard's kind words but she found no words at all to be more appealing. As her friends all stood, she tried to keep her eye on any indication of what brought Narset into the fold but when Jace and Gideon excused themselves quickly, there were no clues to be found.

Chandra cycled through joyous inhales and exhales, revelling in her first completed day going well; along with Liliana, Nissa and Narset she slowly and silently made her way out, but once they were out into the relatively empty evening foyer, she felt Nissa tug on her sleeve. “I need to borrow you for a minute.” As she turned to her friend, Chandra saw the other two carry on unphased.

_They really are kicking me out of the group, aren't they?_ “What's wrong?”

“Nothing, it's just personal. Can we go somewhere quieter?” While the entryway to the university wasn't swarming with the thousands of people it would be in the morning, it was still too loud for an intimate conversation and even if it were empty, it was vast enough that even whispers would echo all around.

Where Nissa lead them was an empty hole hidden under an old concrete staircase. It was deserted and windowless – the perfect place to give bad news, though the shallow, almost nonexistent breathing coming from Chandra's chest was more in line with someone being brought here for an execution.

As tense as Chandra found the situation, she was surprised to see her friend even more shook up. Her hands were alternating between clinched tight and stretched apart and her normally droopy eyes were out in force, wrinkling her forehead. They were subtle signs that Chandra could only spot from experience and she knew Nissa thought she was hiding her nerves well. “Okay,” Nissa said as she steadied herself. “Do you....Okay, you know I'm not at all judgmental, right?”

Confused and curious, Chandra responded, “yeah, I'm pretty sure someone could mug you and you'd respect it as freedom of expression.”

“Exactly,” Nissa said – either not noticing or not caring about the disapproving tone of her friend, “So, what's happened is.... Narset and I are dating.”

Dumbfounded, Chandra found nothing more than the will to blink as she waited for the 'psyche!' She held her breath, trying to keep herself together, but when it was sure beyond a doubt that no punchline was coming, she erupted in profound laughter that turned into a combination of wheezing and cackling. Nissa asked for an explanation multiple times, but every time Chandra tried to speak, her laughter was rejuvenated

Losing time of how long she had been at it, Chandra, still struggling said, “Jace really can't catch a break.” With that, her laughter became infectious, alerting anyone on this floor to their presence.

They took turns assuming they were finished before their last gasps finally passed, Nissa wiped the tears from her eyes. “I did feel guilty about that, but apparently he's found someone new to pine for.” This news wasn't shocking in the slightest.

Not waiting for an invitation, Chandra wrapped her arms around her friend as she forced herself not to say anything condescending along the lines of, _this is so cute_. They held each other for a while before Chandra asked, “I guess this is a big secret, huh?” Nissa pushed her away as soon as she said that.

“That's the other thing I wanted to say.” Nissa's eyes shifted with guilt. “Everyone else already knows.”

Chandra felt offended despite not knowing entirely what she was offended by. “Oh, I guess because....” Pondering, she couldn't actually think of a reason Nissa would keep this from her. “Why?”

“Maybe this will sound a little foolish but I was afraid you'd get upset and-”

“Hold up.” _There's only one reason she'd be worried about that_. “Do you think I'm still in love with you?”

“I figured not, but how could I know for sure?”

“By asking? Nissa, it's been years. Have you just avoided dating for my sake?”

“No! When I told you I had no interest in it, I was being honest and even if you had asked me a few weeks ago, I would have sincerely said the same thing.”

“Was that seriously the only reason you didn't tell me?”

“Not entirely, I guess. I know how your brain operates, Chandra so I was worried you'd interpret this as something personal – like the only reason I turned you down was because there was something wrong with you. Honestly, that was actually the main reason.”

“That's nu-,” _actually a fair point_. “I guess that actually makes sense” Reaching out to grab Nissa's arms, Chandra said with as much sincerity as she could, “but even if I did take this personally, even if I was still madly in love with you, I'd be way too happy for you to give a shit.”

“Okay.” Her relief was evident. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.”

“Ah, don't worry about it. You were just trying to help me. What changed your mind?”

“Now I know for a fact that you have feelings for someone else.”

In a flash, Chandra suddenly longed for discussing her assault with Dr. Ballard. “I do?” She knew her face was doing such a poor job lying that she didn't know why she bothered asking. When all Nissa did was stare blankly back at her, she asked the only thing that mattered now. “Fuck, does everyone know?”

“Don't worry. No one else has a clue. Jace always has his head in the clouds and Gideon always has his up his ass.”

_Fair_. “What about Liliana?”

“I really wouldn't worry about that. She thinks you're straight.”

“I thought I told her I was bi.”

“The first week you were away, before your episode, Liliana was desperately trying to figure out what was wrong. I told her you were probably depressed or anxious but she seemed to be looking for some hidden secret like we were in a medical drama.”

_She was trying to find something other than herself to blame_. “What does that have to do with my sexuality.”

“She asked me a bunch of questions one of which was if you'd been with any guys. When I said no, she didn't ask me if you had been with any women, so unless she was was trying to figure out if you were pregnant.” _I did tell her about it while we were drinking. Maybe she really did forget_. “If I had to guess, I'd say she probably asked your mom about it. I guess you not coming out to her has finally paid off.”

“I guess as long as she doesn't know, that's all that matters.”

“Maybe you should tell her how you feel.”

“Hell no. I finally have her living under the same roof as me. I'd literally rather die.”

Nissa shrugged. “If that's what you think is best.”

“Yeah, so how did this thing with Narset happen anyway?” Chandra was full of questions that mostly revolved around her own ignorance. She didn't understand much about Nissa's asexuality – though not for lack of trying. Anytime it came up, Nissa dodged the subject.

“It was a couple weeks ago.” Nissa paused and Chandra could see drowsiness setting in. “You know what? Lets walk and talk.” The sun had already been setting when they came down here, so Chandra wasn't going to argue. “We needed a fifth person for a group and, oh hey, I guess we did replace you with her.” _Not funny._ “Anyway, something about the way she spoke was....”

“Dude, it's okay. Just go ahead and let it out.”

“Anytime she said anything, it was the most profound thing I'd ever heard. It's like some wise, ancient spirit possessed a beautiful girl.” Nissa was more open with Chandra than anyone else, so there was a good chance this was the first time she had ever spoken about another person like this outloud. “We ended up talking after class, she asked me if I wanted to go on a date and I said yes.”

“It went well I take it?”

“I missed her the second it ended.”

_Ah to hell with this_. Chandra ruffled Nissa's hair with vigour. “That's the cutest thing I ever heard; her friend fought to break free yelling, “yeah, yeah, my mom made that very clear.” When Chandra finally gave up, Nissa asked, “As happy as you seem, I have to ask, are you sure you're not mad or anything.”

“I'm not going to lie. It would have been nice if you had told me right away, but I get why you didn't. I'm pretty unhinged on a normal day and I've had some pretty shitty days in the last little while.”

“Speaking of which, are you really okay? Liliana said you were in doing well, but I know you have a tendency to hide these kinds of things.”

“I really am.” They finally walked through the main doors into the chilly evening air; Nissa instantly began shivering and Chandra removed her sweater, wrapping it around her friend. “Has love made you stupid, you maniac? You only have two jackets on and no scarf.”

There was no chance of turning down the act of kindness, so Nissa didn't bother. “Don't try and change the subject.”

“Right, I'm fine. My first day back was a little tumultuous, but-.” Chandra pulled her phone out to distract herself from how cold she was now, seeing a notification. “Huh. Vivien sent me a friend request.” _We have a mutual friend and we hung out for almost an hour. People have sent friend requests for less._ She pressed the accept button.

“That's Liliana's friend, right?”

“Yeah.” _I'll have to snoop when I get home_

“The one you thought was making fun of you when she said you were cute?”

“Yeah, I get it, I'm stupid.”

Nissa giggled. When she was in a good mood, her laugh was almost mystical like she were a faerie. “I'm sorry, I was drunk. I never should have said that.”

“No you shouldn't have.”

“Seems kind of out of nowhere though. Didn't you talk to her for about ten minutes three weeks ago?”

_God, has it been that long?_ “I actually ran into her today.” Until now, she had forgotten the image she had painted in her head of what getting to see all of Vivien's tattoos would look like and she found herself wanting a turn to gush as Nissa had. “We had a beer; she seems nice, though I don't really get the vibe that her and Liliana are actually fr-”

Both Chandra's legs and lips were stopped in their tracks when her phone vibrated with another notification. It had been a turbulent day and each time something weird happened, she had figured that was the end of it, but was proven wrong again. “Uh, she just asked me out.”

Without hesitation, Nissa responded, “you should say yes.”


	41. Dawn

“Oh god, Oh god.”

“Chandra, you don't need to panic. You're just going on a date.” Chandra was in some need of support as she got ready and Gideon seemed like the only reasonable choice. He had some sense of fashion and his bedroom with it's grey walls, rigid alignment of furniture and meticulous neatness had a soothing effect. Liliana would be able to offer the same, but now Chandra was apparently in the closet with her and she still wasn't convinced that her sister didn't hate Vivien.

“Exactly! I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done this before.” She examined herself in the full-length mirror for the umpteenth time. “And my hair looks keeps doing this annoying thing,” she said, cursing tangles that refused to stay out off her face. “How do you get yours to do what you want?”

“A lot of time and patience.” Chandra had neither of those so the advice frustrated her, but she appreciated that he was at least trying to be productive. Nissa would have responded to every query with, 'just be comfortable,' and Jace would have blindly approved anything she suggested. “Just sit down on the bed.”

“Yes, please save me.” In her entire life, Chandra had a total of two different hairstyles – the dorky bowl cut she had as a kid and the style that happens when you let a bowl cut grow out. It had always worked for her, but now she found it lacking. She dropped down onto Gideon's unusually small bed, reminding herself to keep her shoulders slumped as she paid attention to her breathing.

After grabbing a curling brush, Gideon knelt face to face with Chandra and began messing around. It was an uncomfortably intimate moment that was also a little intimidating. Gideon had a natural scowl that was likely forged in prison as much as his body was. He always made an effort to compensate this with a warm smile, but he was too close for her to take in the whole picture.

“Talk to me. Tell me about Jace's new infatuation.” His jovial chuckle calmed her the tiniest bit.

“He met her online.”

“Oh boy.” There was nothing wrong with that idea as far as Chandra was concerned but it likely came with an increasing number of potential obstacles. “Is she at least kinda close by?”

“No, she isn't” He seemed to be delicately applying the finishing touches.

“Let me guess. Suq'Ata?” She only guessed this because not only was it the furthest country from Tolaria, but it's borders were the most scrutinous on all of Dominaria – rarely letting people in our out. It would be fitting given his history.

“No, Ravnica.”

“Seriously!?” She jumped, messing up whatever Gideon was doing. He rolled his eyes, pushing her back down and starting over. “She's not even from the same plane? Oh, Jacey. How did he even meet her?”

“Some Ravnican site. I didn't ask if it were a generic social site or a dating site.”

“What was he doing on one of those?”

“He said he stumbled on the site while looking for something else. It was a lie but I can't get any sort of truth out of him.” His voice was troubled, though Chandra wasn't sure if that was concern for Jace or what implications the lie had for their friendship.

“I wouldn't worry. It's probably a stupid reason and he doesn't want to say it.”

“That is probably true, but not knowing the truth is making me uneasy.” Gideon stood tall and grunted, “this isn't working. I'm getting a hair straightener.”

“A hair straightener? Dude, I need to be there in an hour.”

Exhausted with the situation, he closed his eyes and sighed. “Has anyone ever told you that you can be extremely difficult?”

“My mother would tattoo it on my head if she could. He's been getting more reclusive with you lately, right?”

“That seems to be the case,” Gideon said firmly while rummaging through drawers, returning with a larger brush in one hand and something else in a closed fist. Now he was fixated on forcing all her hair back but Chandra continued questioning him, “have you asked him about it directly?”

“No, I haven't”

“Gideon,” Chandra cried out disapprovingly. “You two need to get over this dumb boy bullshit and be open with each other.” She felt a hard tug as her stylist worked which was either him unintentionally taking out his frustration or an attempt at getting her to shut up though she was unphased. “You're both smarter than this.”

As he pulled away for the second time, the snugness of his grasp was still there, Chandra realized the object hidden in his right hand was a hair tie and he nodded to himself with approval. “And how would you suggest I be smarter?”

Chandra, in an attempt to mimic Gideon and Jace alternated between a gruff and soft voice that did neither men justice. “Hey, Jace. You seem really distant lately. We should talk about it.”

“Don't worry, Gideon. I'm fine.”

“I don't think you are and I care about you too much to let this go.”

“Well, I guess I've been pretty depressed about,” Chandra gestured that the scene was over. “Then you guys hug, or whatever you need to do and everyone feels better.”

“That is painfully over simplified but I suppose it might be worth a shot.” He bent back down to pull on tiny strands of her hair, looping them over her ears – his soft hands and the whispers of hair tickled her, bringing out a smile. “Go take a look.”

Chandra looked in the mirror, pleased with the results. Her hair being tied back wasn't even all that great, but she looked different and that had her feeling invigorated – briefly. She examined the rest of herself – baggy, dark green flannel shirt, unbuttoned down the middle and black skinny jeans. “God, I look like a 16 year old that just came out and desperately needs everyone to know.”

“Why are you getting so bent out of shape about your looks? I've never seen you act like this.”

_That's a good question._ Chandra needed time to consider the answer which gave her opportunity to wish she were at home so she could change. “I guess.... Everything about Vivien is so impressive. She's talented, strong, charming, beautiful and has had this grand, albeit shitty history and I'm just this boring blank of wood that does nothing but get slightly above average grades, play video games and sleep.”

“Are you trying to say that you don't think you're good enough for her.”

“No, I wouldn't say that exactly.” She gave up trying to justify the way she looked and resigned herself to fate. “It's more like I can't imagine how she could enjoy a date with me. I just assume she's going to get bored ten minutes in.”

“Chandra, there have been times where I've wished you were a little more boring and you look beautiful.” She appreciated the gesture but she wished in her embarrassment that he had phrased it a little less intensely.

“What are you going to do about Jace?”

“I'll talk to him.”

“Actually talk to him?”

“I'll actually talk to him.” Chandra could tell Gideon was displeased with the situation as well as his inability to find a good argument against her point. “Now I think it's time for you to get going.”

Gideon let the slightly dolled up Chandra show herself out, but the front door creaked open before she got to it. “Hey Jace.”

“Yo. Off to your big date?”

“Yeah.” His hood was pulled back far enough for Chandra to get a good look at his face and it was consumed with exhaustion. There was no emotion to it, so there was no point in trying to guess the reason. For all she knew, he had just been up all night talking to this woman from Ravnica. “You look dead. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it's all good.” Gideon was right. He was lying and was too tired to be any good at it. Jace was usually a better liar and more importantly, smart enough to know he wasn't fooling anyone. If he were this willing to flaunt distress while keeping its source hidden, Chandra accepted the possibility that no matter how direct Gideon was, he may not be able to get their friend to open up and she decided she may have to take control of the situation.

“I gotta bounce, but there's something I want to talk to you about. Tomorrow, after class?” He gave her a thumbs up and sent an increasingly nervous Chandra on her way


	42. Harmonize

“I hope you aren't afraid of bikes!” Chandra had heard the familiar rumble behind her as background noise, not assuming it was Vivien. She turned around to see her date, helmet under her arm, straddling a run of the mill motorbike. Both the audacity of the comment and the appealing sight before her left her grinning

“I think I'll be fine.” An obvious and detailed fascination with the vehicle must have been an indication that Chandra wasn't intimidated by the vehicle and Vivien didn't inquire any further.

“I told you to dress warm. What is this?” Vivien asked, wrapped tightly in a heavy green jacket.

_I guess as far as insults about the outfit go, it not being warm enough is a best case scenario._ “I figured you meant we would be outside, but it's twenty degrees out, so it seemed like bad advice.” It was uncannily warm for any day where brown leaves littered the ground. She had been disappointed by the forecast this morning as cold weather clothes suited her better but even if she were going to be a bit chilly on a ride, it was, by a wide margin, a better scenario than the repulsive sweat she'd drench herself in if she had worn something as warm as Vivien's jacket.

“Then why don't you let me-”

Chandra cut her off when she started removing her protective coat. “I'd rather you be able to concentrate while we're driving.” She knew driving a tame bike like the one in front of her would be easy enough jacket or not, it was impossible to predict how good a rider someone is and some pesky gusts seemed worth the extra bit of security.

“Yeah, you're right. Catch.” A second helmet appeared from some hanging position on the opposite end of the bike and Chandra scooped it out of the air with one hand and casually hopped on the back. While there was no hesitation in her mount, she paused when she remembered how close they would have to be. With no understanding of protocol, Chandra froze.

One hand left the handle, slid out of its glove and reached back. Chandra felt a caress on her own and was expecting Vivien to pull her forward much as she had done riding with Liliana, but there was no forceful movement – just a hand tenderly wrapping around Chandra's with a thumb gently rubbing against her palm.

After the soothing motion sufficiently melted her, fingers wrapped around hers until she was comfortable and, without provocation, Chandra wrapped her arms around Vivien and pressed against her back.

* * *

Their drive hadn't been too rough on the under dressed Chandra though once they reached the highway, she was painfully reminded that the middle of her shirt was unbuttoned. Wind rode in the gap, spreading around her upper half and with her frame, she rarely felt the need to wear a bra; she felt a great deal of relief once they reached their destination.

Their route went from the highway, to an obscure road, to an even more obscure path and now Chandra was looking down on her surroundings on a high hilltop. While they weren't quite at the top, Tolaria West was not an island that held a lot of major commerce, so the view held no skyscrapers and there were few mountains. With that, their date was taking place high above almost the entire island.

The view consisted of mostly bland, pale green trees and long stretches of highway. It was ugly, but there was still a romantic appeal in lording over the island with Vivien.

The cliff she stood on didn't look any more glorious. It was a wide, half dead stretch of grass, with some wood piled opposite of them and an old shack which made her wonder, _is that where she hides the bodies?_ “Sooooo, where are we?”

“I know this isn't the most romantic spot,” Vivien said with complete confidence, “but I thought you might get a kick out of it.” Without waiting a response, she was in and out of the tiny, old structure holding a bow

“You seemed really in to the whole archery thing when you watched Lily do it, so I thought I could teach you how it's done.” Chandra would have preferred a slow and painful death over Vivien knowing exactly why she had been so enthralled with her sister's performance. Despite her perversion being the reason for her previous excitement, the idea of actually learning to shoot a bow was lighting the fire of her inner child.

“Fuck, yeah!” As excited as Chandra was, the sense of relief given to her by Vivien's lit face was even more enjoyable. Her biggest concern had been boring her date and it seemed like she wouldn't have to worry about that for now. “But where are we?” _There's not anything to shoot unless we take pot shots at cars_. That idea interested the wrong part of her inner child.

“A friend of mine used to come up here to relax, but when she was finished with it, we figured I might as well use it as a range that lets me get away from the audiences.” she presented the bow to Chandra, “you're going to be using this gentle little thing. Recurve bows are a tiny bit simpler than a composite bow. I'll go set up the targets” It turned out that the piles of wood that lay about 70 meters from them were target boards and Vivien setting one up involved moving it considerably closer.

Now next to each other, Chandra demanded, “now teach me how to murder badguys”

“Yeah, we'll get there. Sorry to say, this one might be a bit big for you.” Chandra was too nervous at this stage to glare but she was giving a horrifying look into her own mind. “Now here's your first arrow.”

_How hard can this be?_ There was an obvious place to rest the point of the arrow and she figured the back end needed to be in the middle of the string. As Vivien scrounged through her belongings, Chandra began to ready herself, not expecting much but eager to get started.

The bow was drawn and when she thought it would release, another hand held the string in place. “You really are reckless,” Vivien said, implying someone had warned her of this.

“What's wrong?”

“That little string you were about to let go would have ran across your wrist and unless you like getting whi.... Here.” Vivien removed her jacket; unlike their last meeting, her arms were covered, though a tanktop showed she hadn't been bluffing about her tattoos. They covered the base of her neck and bled down to the entirety of her exposed chest.

“I thought I brought an extra pair, but you can use mine.” The gloves she wore were a complex combination of buckles and straps that took a minute to remove and longer to adjust to Chandra's smaller arms. They were uncomfortable, but they had some serious assassin energy to them which more than made up for it.

Even with the stylish gloves on, Vivien still looked concerned. “Your shirt maybe isn't the best for this either. That's my bad. I probably should have just told you we were going to do.”

“Maybe, but I do love a good surprise,” Chandra said, trying her best to sound sincere in her lie.

“A chest guard would hold the shirt in place, but I figured we wouldn't need one since, well....” As Vivien awkwardly trailed off, Chandra looked down at her own chest, back up and nodded to signify she understood what her date was getting at. “Is that shirt replaceable?”

“This thing?” Chandra looked down at it disapprovingly. “I don't even know why I wore it. I told Gideon I look like the little queer girl trying too hard....”

“I think you look great,” _she's lying_. “But if you don't like it, let's make this work.” Vivien gestured for Chandra's hand and tried to rip the cuff of the sleeve apart. To the shirt's credit, it was durable. “Mmkay, hold still.”

Had there not been a firm grip on her wrist, Chandra likely would have taken a step back when Vivien's other hand, reached to her back and effortlessly pulled out a hunting knife that must have been fastened to her belt. Willing to oblige, she stayed completely still until the surgery on both her sleeves were finished.

Only needing one hand and a single motion, the knife was tucked away and she had done it so fluidly that Chandra could tell she was familiar with the blade. Still mesmerized, Vivien went to her backside and pulled the fabric of her shirt into a scrunchy; baggy clothes were no longer an issue, which meant she could shoot, but also brought on a touch of insecurity and she was wishing her body had some amount of definition, whether natural or built.

Vivien sized her up and holding back a chuckle said, “yeah, NOW you look like the queen girl trying too hard.” _I'm burning this thing when I get home_. “I gotta say, I like seeing you show yourself off.” She either didn't notice or didn't pay any mind to Chandra's awkwardness about the complement. “Now lets kill some bad guys.”

Using her foot, Vivien drew a line in the grass before taking a spot behind her. “Stand behind this and show me what you got.”

Chandra readied herself, raised the bow, placed the arrow, pulled the string back, eyed her target, visualized hitting it, released and watched her arrow drop down half a metre in front of her. _Forget the shirt. I'm lighting myself on fire when I get home_.

“Not bad, not bad.” Chandra was relieved that it was sarcasm in Vivien's voice rather than condescending praise.

“You know,” Chandra grumbled as Vivien was now next to her. “Normally when I'm not good at something right away, I give up.”

“That's cool. How about this: you take two more shots and if you can't hit the target, you can go home.”

_That's not what I meant!_ “I didn't say I wanted to leave.”

“Then you better not miss.” Vivien was confident enough for the both of them which was going to have to be enough. “Don't get too down. You made the same mistake everyone does on their first try. You just have to stand right.” Chandra felt a reassuring arm on her shoulder, prompting her to turn from her weapon to Vivien's smile. “Sorry, I meant to say something, but I got caught up in the view.”

Chandra was naive enough that if she hadn't known Vivien had been looking at her, she may have not gotten the joke. “Can you show me?”

Expecting Vivien to model the right stance, she jumped a little when she felt a pair of hands wrapping her hips. “Your feet are straight but your hips aren't. Look down and make sure they line up.”

_Check_. A hand graced her thighs and she got a little bit warmer. “bend your knees just a little....Good.” Vivien got back up and held Chandra's shoulders, lightly at first, turning into a massage that only lasted a couple seconds before she circled back around and lifted up Chandra's chin. “Chandra, we don't have to keep this up. I brought a picnic, we can skip right on to that.”

_I'm messing this all up_. _Why did I let Nissa talk me in to this._ Vivien pulled Chandra in – causing her to drop the bow - and held her in silence, eventually saying, “there's no way you could ruin this. I just need you to know that there's nothing that matters to me right now other than being with you. Understand?”

Shocked that she was able to see beyond her insecurities, Chandra actually believed her. “Okay....But I still want to do this. I have two more tries.” Vivien backed away and ushered her to try again. Chandra examined her body, _everything checks out, I think_. After some hesitation, she let loose her second shot.

“Yes! Fuck, yes!” It was barely a hit, but there it was, an arrow sticking into the target.

“Give it up for the baddest girl in Tolaria and her amazing teacher!” Vivien brought her hands back on to Chandra's shoulders. “This is much better. You were all tight before. No one can keep a bow straight like that.”

* * *

Chandra didn't perfect her archery, but Vivien let her try until the sun was mostly set. Above their range, they climbed a small series of rocks to a small ledge. There conveniently wasn't enough room for the two of them and the picnic, so Chandra sat between her date's spread legs, leaning back into her chest while Vivien's arms wrapped around her, keeping her much warmer than she should be.

“I hope you had a good time learning how to mess people up with a bow.” There was an intoxicating calm in her voice – almost motherly (though not in a weird way) that left Chandra looser in both body and mind than she had been in a long time.

“It was so great, but I'm surprised you didn't show me how it's done.”

A cute, gentle chuckle blew into Chandra's ear. “I figured you'd have fun, but this is such an important part of who I am and I wanted to share it with you.” Chandra wasn't sure what to say and decided tying their fingers together to make their point and it encouraged Vivien to continue opening up. “Since I moved here, almost everyone that wanted to know what I'm about was either figuring out how to exploit it, saw me as a sociological exhibit or, you know.... Wanted something.”

_I'll be thinking of some something later_. “I feel like you want to know me just because you want to know me. You're the only person I've met on this massive plane I can say about, other than Lili of course.”

_Liliana_....Chandra still harboured feelings for her that she had been trying to forget. Since they had been up on this rock, she had managed to do just that until now and now guilt was overpowering her other emotions. _Why am I even here? I don't think I've ever been this happy sitting still, but this isn't fair to her_. She didn't want to think about her sister anymore, but this seemed a good an opportunity as ever to ask, “speaking of. If you two are friends, why is she so....Curt?.”

“You have to ask her.” This was the closest to upset Chandra had heard the cheerful woman speak. “She's not like this, normally, so if you do ask, please tell me what's going on.”

“That ain't happening. She doesn't know.”

Such phrasing was universally understood, though Vivien did hesitate. “....Do you think she'd have a problem with it?”

“Nah,” Chandra didn't want to lie to her companion, so she told one version of the truth. “I know she wouldn't care, but my mother doesn't know either and I don't want Liliana to feel like she has to hide anything from someone she cares about.”

“I can respect that. Don't worry about me and Lili.” Chandra felt the strong arms around her tighten slightly. “I care more about you and me right now.”

Turning her head back to meet Vivien's eyes - It would have looked like nothing to most people, but it required more courage than Chandra had summoned in a long time. Excited by the eyes she looked up at, somehow still shining green, even in low moonlight. She made a desperate attempt to look as inviting as possible and somehow, it worked. Vivien wasted no time bringing Chandra's lips to her own. The kiss lasted longer than she would have ever imagined, but still felt a longing when it was over

She wanted a second and felt a sense of loss when Vivien pulled away. There was a knowing look of arrogance on her face and Chandra could tell the break was more of a tease than anything and the game turned her on even more than the kiss. Not one to lose easily, she slowly turned back around to face the stars.

“Hopefully next time, you can show me something important to you” Chandra's aloof gambit paid off – she felt a peck on the back of her neck and before she could properly express her appreciation there was a softer kiss on her ear lobe.

A throaty exhale was all the encouragement Vivien needed to continue. More of the same sensation travelled down Chandra's neck, the pair of lips never breaking from her skin. Finally done messing around, the kissing turned into perfectly rough bites and when she let out a shamelessly loud whine, she began wondering just how far she'd let this go on. It occurred to her that their moonlit cliff where no one could see or hear whatever might happen.

There wasn't much time to ponder it though. Vivien released Chandra from her animalistic gnawing and gave her three quick kisses on the back of the head. While trying her best to hide her disappointment, something occurred in her dazed mind. “Are you saying there's going to be a next time?”

“It's rude to tease you know.”

_What is she talking about_? “Well, you didn't say anything and honestly, I'm probably too weird and shy to ask.”

“I kinda' thought the biting you thing implied how much I wanted to do this again....You don't have much experience with bold people, do you?”

“Let me tell you a story about the first time we met.”


	43. Echoing Truth

Jace and Chandra sat together in the same rocky pit she usually frequented alone when things got too serious. It wasn't the most comfortable spot, but this moment demanded privacy more than anything else. It was already dark and cold, but there wasn't anything worth looking at and the two were huddled together for warmth that wasn't even necessary under their bulky winter clothes.

“So, uh, how was your date?”

“Good. She taught me how to use a bow.”

“So the perfect date for you then?”

“It was....Pretty fucking great.” She could almost see the light from her glowing.

“Sweet.”

Silence followed that she felt responsible for. Chandra had been the one to invite them here and while she still enjoyed Jace's company even when no one spoke, she assumed he didn't. _One day,_ Chandra thought, _we're going to find something other than depressing stuff to talk about and not be awkward._ She was certain today wouldn't be that day.

_Just get this over with_. Chandra had no nefarious plot in her plan of opening up to Jace. While she hoped it would encourage him to feel comfortable enough to do the same, his discretion made her worry he couldn't trust her and that was more important than any secret. “I think you deserve to know why I went nuts on you the other week.”

“It's cool. You don't owe me nothin'.”

“Maybe I don't, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve it.” Not wanting to lose her nerve, she unfocused her eyes and dove right. “A few days before you and Nissa came over, I was in Rashmi's office and....” _this is harder than I thought it would be_ , Chandra thought over the pounding in her chest. “She tried to have sex with me. She tried real hard.” While Jace wasn't the first one to find out, that had been the first time Chandra had articulated it to someone else. It was a bittersweet feeling.

“Shit, dude.” His monotone was still there but it was wavering, almost to a quiver. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, usually. It was rough at first, as you saw, but Liliana really helped me through it; my mother too”

Jace muttered, “your mother....You never go to a teachers' office.” He had come to the conclusion Chandra was worried about. “You were there because I told you to go talk to someone.”

“Jace,” he stared at her in disbelief. “This isn't your fault. It's not your fault and it's not mine. It's hers. I spent too much energy blaming you and me. I won't let you do it too.”

“I'm still really sorry.” There was still an eerie calm in his voice and expression but Jace's head was hung with awe and contemplation. “Does anyone else know?”

“Other than my mother and Liliana, maybe my step father – I told my mother she could tell him.” Jace was waiting for her to continue. He knew Nissa was closer to her than himself or Liliana and Chandra guessed he would assume Gideon was as well, so the pause made sense. “I'm going to be honest, I don't like talking about it, but I need you to know that how I treated you isn't how I feel about you.”

“Yeah, I know. Now come here, you” Jace wrapped his arm around her and pulled her head into his shoulder. The sound of gusts, a couple trucks, a siren and the horn of some faraway dock all passed by them during their prolonged silence that was neither awkward nor comfortable. For whatever reason, it was a dog barking in the distance that broke it and Jace said in his typical calm voice,

“It's cancer.”

Air froze in Chandra's lungs as her heart and stomach sank. She had been afraid of this for so long that it had descended into the background anxiety that dug at her subconscious. Balling her fists, Chandra meekly declared, “but you got out in time.”

“Nothing was ever for sure.” On Jace's homeplane of Vryn, the industrial sector that shared space with the slums had been turning the area into a waste dump for over a hundred years and as time went on, the effects on the world's poorest people became increasingly apparent. When Jace's parents left him in the care of his foster dad, Alhammarret, it was under the assumption that he wouldn't have had enough exposure. “My doctor confirmed it was probably from the chemicals and some bad luck.”

Trembling, Chandra screamed at every part of her being to save the crying for when she was alone. “How bad is it?” It felt stupid to ask the same question that everyone always asks, but she wasn't sure what else to say.

“It's early so that's a plus, but it's in the brain sooo that ain't good.” Chandra's neuropsychology was fairly lament, but she figured that might explain the intensified emotions he had mentioned to her. “There's actually a new treatment that they say is good, but I have to-”

“Go to Ravnica.”

“Gideon is a chatty boy.” Chandra wanted to beg Jace to tell Gideon what was happening, for both the boy's sake.

“He told me you have a friend type situation going on there,” she said with as much positive energy as she could muster.

Jace chuckled and shook his head. “It's a type of situation. I'm not really sure what it is, but I'm just glad I'm going to know someone there.”

“I could go with you.” Chandra blurted this out without thinking, but she approved of the idea even after she realized what she had said. “Keep you company while you're there.”

“This isn't a day trip ya know.”

“That's cool with me.”

“Don't throw your semester away. Alhammarret is coming with me, my mom is going to try to visit and I bet Gideon will insist on escorting me once I tell him.”

It did Chandra's soul knowing Jace had at least been planning on telling their friend, even better was that he was right in his assumption that Gideon would travel with him. She knew they'd desperately need each other and hoped Gideon would convince Jace to let him stay. “And your lady friend.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Chandra gave him a playful jab. “Lemme see her.”

“Oh, sure....” Jace had to fumble around with his phone for a while. Connecting to sites from other planes was a slow and tedious process.

“Damn,” Chandra fought the urge to yell. “She's hot.” Jace had a tendency to go for the girl next door, but the pictures she was looking at was the kind of girl ready to break the next door down.

Her hazel – almost pure yellow eyes and full lips gave her a air of smug confidence no matter how pleased she was; green highlights in the dark, thick dreads that reached the small of her back brought her umber skin to the world's attention. As they scrolled through, it was apparent that her presence or her beauty on their own would have been enough to control of any room.

“And look at that outfit! She dresses like a fucking pirate.”

“Chandra, it's a pirate costume.”

“Right....” Chandra pulled away from Jace's shoulder. “When are you going to tell Gideon?”

“Ugh, I guess I better tonight.”

“Do you want me to come?”

Jace pressed his forehead against hers. “I think I'm ready to do it myself.”


	44. Regulator

“Oh god, oh god, oh GOD, what I was thinking?”

Nissa patted her nervous friend on the shoulder. “You thought this would be a good idea for a date and you were right. Just relax.”

“How is this a good idea!?”

“Vivien wanted you to show her a part of your identity. I'd say a Kaladesh art exhibit fits that pretty well.”

“Yeah, she wanted to see my identity, but I didn't have to pick a dumb idea.”

“I think an art gallery is a great idea.”

“Because you're a dork!”

“So are you.” Nissa was trying to hide her exhaustion.

“Yeah, but she isn't. She showed me how to fight and I'm taking her on a grade school field trip.”

“Chandra.” Nissa grabbed her friend, lightly trying to shake some sense into her. “Don't you think you're being unfair?”

“What do you mean?”

“You think that because she's a jock and a soldier, she won't enjoy something cultured. Don't you think Vivien has been stereotyped enough in her life?”

 _Great, now I feel nervous AND guilty._ “I guess that's a fair point.”

“And I'm pretty sure you could take her anywhere and she'd be happy to go with you as long as she knew it's where you wanted to be.”

With impeccable timing, they could see Vivien on the horizon. It was a sunny day and the seasons remaining birds and bugs were out with their charming noises and colours. The maintenance of Capashen Park was impeccable, so even the grass was still green and the flowers blooming.

Nissa had an affinity for nature, so Chandra figured that's why she suggested they spend the morning here, but Nissa reminded her that her girlfriend was raised in the forest and figured it would be a good way to mush up Vivien before their date.

“No turning back now.” No matter the context, watching someone you know approach you from a hundred meters away was awkward, but now it was compounding her anxiety. _Should I keep waving? Should I turn away?_

“I promise you can stop worrying. If what you told me about how comforting she was when you told her about Jace was even half true, this girl really cares about you.”

* * *

Vivien and Chandra walked side by side, the more imposing one making most of the conversation on their short walk to the art gallery. _Do I reach out and grab her hand? Is she just avoiding it because she knows I'm worried about my mother and Liliana seeing us_. Chandra knew the odds of them being seen by either of them were non existent. Her sister was at a meeting with Jovi and her mother didn't care for art, even when it was from home.

Chandra could have explained that but she didn't want to impose her date. _What if that's not the reason and I just end up pressuring her_. It didn't matter that Vivien was tough. Them holding hands was a calculated risk and Chandra didn't want to put Vivien in a position to be nervous.

“So where are you taking me anyway?” Her cheery tone gave Chandra the impression that she was the only one toiling over the intricacies of holding hands.

“Right, I guess I should have said something about that.” The corner they had just turned brought the large stone building into view. _Since you brought me on the coolest date ever, I've decided to do the opposite._ “The art gallery is showing some Kaladesh art, so I figured....”

“Sounds fantastic.” _She's either telling the truth or is a pretty good actor_. “So how you doing?”

This was going to come up whether she wanted it to or not, but Chandra had no strong opinions about avoiding or broaching the subject of Jace. “He told Gideon and Nissa, so the burden is gone at least. He keeps promising us things look positive.”

“You don't believe him?”

“I don't believe he knows one way or another. He's going to a different plane to get an experimental treatment. How could anyone be sure of anything?”

“Maybe he's clueless but he must be confident. He's hidden this well, doesn't want anyone going with him.” That was an awkward variable of this situation. Chandra had not and would not rescind her offer of travelling with her friend and Vivien was smart enough to know that would likely ruin their relationship, but she still expressed her approval (which Chandra silently took the wrong way). “And he's even trying to get some tail while he's there. Not the behaviour of a man who thinks he's dying.”

“Fair point.” Chandra was still unconvinced that Jace had a full understanding of the situation, but she figured, u _ntil it's a sure thing you're dying, being in denial can't hurt_. “That makes me feel a little better.”

As they meandered past the throng of stoned art students and ascended the large concrete stairs into the gallery, Vivien reached down and grabbed Chandra's hand.

* * *

“How do you think a place that rents tens of millions of dollars worth of stuff gets by on a $20 admission price?”

“I've never even been in an art gallery,” Vivien said, unsure of her surroundings. “Forget knowing about how they operate.”

“I haven't either.” It dawned on Chandra that her girlfriend was probably expecting her to have some understanding their outing like Vivien had with their first one. Looking around the vast eggshell white entry, she was people watching while looking for the right place to start.

Mostly students and old people that probably cared more about appearances than art, but when she saw a family of five – all with bronze skin that is much more common on people from Kaladesh than Dominaria, her heart warmed and she found herself more excited than she expected. “I think we go this-”

She was cut off by Vivien pulling her hand away so abruptly that it threw off Chandra's balance. She looked to her date, then to where her date was looking. _Mother?_ Ready to bolt, there was no time to react before Pia turned, saw them and came over.

“It's wonderful to see you here, dear. At least one of us cares about our heritage.” Her tone was joyous, but her face was a combination of annoyed and worried.

“Yeah, I guess. What are you doing here? You don't like this stuff”

“Jaya asked me to accompany her – something about having seen some Kaladesh art recently. She's a strange woman. Anyway,” she turned to Vivien and they shook hands. “It's good to see you again.”

“To be honest, mam, I was hoping you wouldn't remember me.”

“I remember all my students – even the ones that drop my class after two weeks.” This was the first time Chanda had seen Vivien hangdog. “Though I probably only recognized you from far away because I've seen you in pictures with my daughter – my other daughter, obviously.”

“If it isn't my two of my favourite students.” Jaya Ballard had silently slid up next to them. “Well, former I suppose. This young woman,” she said turning to Pia, “decided she would rather learn about cells than the entire universe.”

“With all due respect, Dr. Ballard, I would say you're concerned less with the universe than you are about watching explosions.” How casually she spoke to Jaya was a sharp contrast to Vivien's inability to even look Pia in the eye.

“And how do you think the universe started? It's a real shame, you were bringing up my GPA.”

“Is that so?” Pia asked with curiosity in her voice.

“Oh, yes. I've never seen someone with an athletics scholarship work so hard. Imagine having both of them in my class. Between Vivien's determination and Chandra's creativity and resourcefulness, they would pair up exceptionally well.” Chandra's body went rigid when she saw her physics teacher wink at her.

“Acing one of Jaya's classes and having to drop mine. Perhaps my work is a bit too challenging. Well,” Pia continued, not waiting for a response. “We should get going before any more strangers try to talk to me.” It wasn't any surprise that any Kaladeshians here would recognize Pia Nalaar, and Chandra was glad as always that her face had stayed out of the spotlight.

As Jaya walked away, Pia paused, leaning in. “The first half,” she gestured towards the entryway to their left, “was actually impressive, but the other half was pretentious – it's value has nothing to do with the work itself. I figure it might get you mad more than anything. Food for thought.”

“I guess we should stop holding hands,” Vivien said after the two professors were out of earshot. “In case your mom comes back for some reason.”

“Maybe....” Chandra wasn't worried about that – she could tell her mother was glad to be out of here and doubted she would see her again. She was feeling far away after what Dr. Ballard had said (already forgetting that she had complemented her as well). _She's already tougher and more beautiful than me, but she's a genius too?_

She had known that Vivien was smart – anytime they spoke about anything serious, she sounded like a philosophy student that actually knew how to apply their education, but Chandra had hoped she could at least be comparable at one thing. She had put a lot of effort into school over the last year and she could only ever achieve a B+ in Jaya's classes (which suited her fine. It was established that this was equivalent to an A anywhere else).

The pedestal she had put Vivien on was growing taller and as they went to explore the gallery, Chandra couldn't stop herself from thinking, _why am I only attracted to people that are too good for me_?

“Your mom is that big a deal, eh?” Vivien asked as they strolled down a narrow hallway – on one side, art pieces that were nothing more than pleasing colours that, if they hadn't known looked like they could have been done in a day and signs of gift shops on the other. “Lili said she was, but never elaborated.”

It wasn't unusual for her not to know who Pia was. Chandra had never heard of Vivien's home plane of Skalla until after its apocalypse and it was likely the knowledge they had of Kaladesh was on the same level. Dominaria and Chandra's home plane had no relations either – the only reason she knew about her current home at all before moving here was because Urza was one of the most important historical figures in the entire multiverse.

“She led the rebellion that makes up our current government. She's considered by a lot of people to be the greatest hero of our plane for the last century.”

“Talk about big shoes.” Chandra was taken aback when Vivien didn't ask the same question everyone always does 'then why did she leave' – so much so that she forgot to respond and Vivien moved on. “I'm into this one.”

Focusing herself, Chandra examined the large painting. It looked like the outline of what looked like a boar with two heads. Dark blue streaks entered one mouth and bright green streaks exited the other. “It's cool, though I have no idea what it's supposed to mean.” She examined the plaque under it “Recycled – that doesn't help but my name etymology tells me it's from Peema. That's our largest forest.”

“Explains why I like it.”

This made Chandra wonder. As far as she knew, all planes had at least one large populated area that was more nature based and Dominaria was no exception. “Hey, when you moved to Dominaria, what brought you to Tolaria? I'm glad you did but there must be some high schools in Gaea looking for star athletes.”

“I miss Skalla.” Her tone somehow didn't become any less robust. “I don't go a day without thinking about it, but when I moved here, I wanted to get away from anything that reminded me of home.”

“That makes sense. My mother says we moved here because she wasn't cut out for politics and thought she could do more good with research; maybe she's right, but I always thought part of her just wanted to get away from everything that happened.”

“No one should have to stare war in the face, especially after it's over.” How casually she said this, strolling to a nearby sculpture, was chilling. Chandra had to wonder how many times Vivien had repeated that adage to herself.

* * *

“What your mom said about the second half,” Vivien said as they meandered back into the main hall, “do you think she's right?”

“Probably. I do hate the idea of pretentious capitalism and that's probably all it is, but the more I think about it, the more likely it seems there's just a portrait of her she's embarrassed by.”

“If you feel too much rage toward the establishment when we finish, we'll go slice through some rich person's neck.” _Now that's the Kaladesh I actually identify with._

The section dedicated to the newer pieces was much more chic. While the classic art section was painted in dull whites and greys, the section of newer pieces were a vibrant mix of bright blues and greens flowing through each other. _Gotta appeal to us youngs, I guess._ Her mother hadn't been lying – the only explanation for why any of these were in an art gallery had to be who made them. “Man, these are all....”

“Real, real ugly?”

Before Chandra could agree, they turned into a small corridor and suddenly the whole trip felt worth it. There was a painting the leaking spire – the symbol of the rebellion though the streams that represented the spreading of freedom and resources lead into the flags and symbols of all the regions of Kaladesh. She found herself standing in front of it, despite not remembering taking any steps as if she were magically drawn to it.

The same pleasant warmth she felt when looking at the Kaladeshian family was coursing through her again. “This was our insignia.” Chandra joined her hands together behind her back to fight the compulsion to reach out and touch it. “People died to brand as much of Ghirapur as we could.” An impossible combination of pride and guilt struck her. “Sometimes paint would be included in the deliveries I made.”

Vivien slid her hand into Chandra's pocket; it was an oddly tender and soothing action. “By the time things got really bad for us, I was old enough to fight, but we had kids like you – putting their lives at risk making deliveries. Stuff that we killed people with, stuff that would get us killed and they knew it, but every damn time, they smiled and thanked us even when we could tell they wanted to cry. We were so proud of them.”

This was the first time Chandra had heard her voice waiver and felt it right to make the conscious decision of resting her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. “I'm glad all my smiling wasn't for nothing.”

“Never fool yourself into thinking you didn't do enough to earn your place in this symbol.” Vivien ruffled her hair to lighten the mood. “You know.... And sorry if I'm out of line, but I would love to see this tattooed on you.” She pulled her hand out of the pocket and touched a finger to the bottom of Chandra's neck. “The tip could start here and go down.”

“You really think so?”

“I'm just saying, it would be kind of hot.”

Desperate to hide her flustering, Chandra turned to pretend to look at the painting behind them; her awkwardness immediately turned to a feeling of overwhelming sickness by what she saw – what her mother must have been trying to keep her away from.

There they were – four of them, standing in unison, expressions of stoic determination, each with a flag of the four major regions: Ghirapur, Devra, Peema and Vahd and one word under each of them: peace, order, unity and prosperity. _Seriously!? No mention anywhere that this was propaganda, no explanation about who they really are or what they did_.

Hiding anxiety was a skill Chandra had honed over the years. Even on an off day, she could act natural during any attack that was lower than a 9/10. Her other emotions were trickier. Telling herself to calm down when she was angry or screaming that only weak, worthless cowards cry only worked for so long. Just long enough to hide.

* * *

When she was on the verge of tears, Chandra had a sixth sense for finding the nearest washroom quickly. Thankfully, there was no one in it, though even if there were, she was crying silently by tightening her body and biting her lip.

This episode was brought on by seething rage rather than sadness which was good. She excused herself to go to the washroom - knowing she would be able to pull herself together quickly enough not to rouse suspicion. A couple minutes passed; as she prepared to leave the stall, someone else came in so she decided to wait. The blubbering had stopped, but she still needed to splash her face to get rid of the evidence and didn't want anyone to prying.

It wasn't long at all until, from the other side of the stall door, Vivien said, “two advantages to dating women. I get to kiss astonishingly beautiful creatures like you, and your girlfriend can't hide from you in the bathroom.”

Knowing the room was devoid of anyone else, Chandra slowly and dramatically opened the stall door to express her disappointment. “The hiding in the bathroom is really more of a social contract thing than a physical barrier.”

“Normally, I'd say you're right.” She reached out and offered her hand to Chandra who reluctantly took it. “But not when they're hiding because of some dangerous sense of pride.” Vivien pulled her in closer – just shy of a short of a full embrace. “I feel where you're coming from. You want everyone to know how tough you are so you can never slip up. I'm the same way, but Chandra, I need someone I feel comfortable seeing me weak and I can't do that if you're not comfortable doing the same.”

 _You, weak?_ This had never occurred to Chandra. Vivien was so cool and collected but as she thought these words, the lunacy of them was obvious and she cursed her continued trend of romanticizing people.

“If you want to be left alone, I'll leave, but I won't come back. I know I'm asking a lot but that's the only way I can be in a serious rela-”

Chandra didn't let her finish, she raised herself to give Vivien a quick kiss before falling into her arms – cheeks still damp from tears. “The men in that....Painting were Kambal, Dovin, Sram and Baral.” She didn't say anything else, forgetting those names meant nothing to Vivien, but she didn't ask any followup questions. Instead, her date loosened her hug and let out a sheepish, “uhhhh.” While looking past her. Chandra hadn't heard the door open.

“Should I leave you two alone?”


	45. Common Bond

_Are you fucking kidding me?_ “Heeeyyy, Lili,” Vivien said sheepishly.

“What are the two of you doing here?”

As per usual, Chandra's frustration led to impulsiveness. _Fuck it. At this point I'll just be tripping over lies. I can tell her, she'll tell mother and we'll go from there._ Still in no mood for a conversation, she whispered up to Vivien, “I think I'm okay with her knowing.”

Nodding her head on top of Chandra's, Vivien brought her voice back to form. “We're on a date.”

“Oh...” It was tough to gauge from one syllable but she sounded more confused than anything. “That was not what I meant, but I suppose that is good to know too. I was asking why you two are in the bathroom.”

Knowing Vivien wouldn't be able to properly explain, Chandra pulled her head out of her date's chest. She could tell her eyes were still red from crying when Liliana's face went from plain to concerned. “It's stupid. I got upset at one of the paintings so I ran away.” Wiping as much evidence away as she could, Chandra added, “I knew there would be stuff about the old government. There should be, it's part of our history. I just wasn't expecting to see him so glorified.”

“Yes, I just saw that. I was hoping you might have missed it.”

“Didn't have you have that meeting with Jovi today?”

“We finished quickly. Mom told me you were here and it was just a few blocks away so I thought it might be interesting enough. I was not aware you were here with someone though.” This was the first time, as far as Chandra could tell, that Liliana appeared anything short of snappy around Vivien. “I will just head home and be out of your way.”

“You can stay.” _Whoops_. Chandra looked up apologetically at Vivien who didn't seem to have a problem with her invitation. “Eh, you know what? Maybe we shouldn't hang out in the washroom.”

* * *

It took some effort but Vivien convinced Liliana she wasn't a third wheel and the three of them were sitting next to the window of a coffee shop that looked out on to Capashan Park which was just as beautiful at dusk.

The only table left was a small, circular one with three uncomfortable chairs. Chandra wasn't sure which seating positions would have been most awkward for her sister. _Would it be weirder if Vivien and I were across from each other and she looked like she was mediating our date or would it be worse if we were sitting next to each other, pushing her off to the side?_ Rather than risk having to choose, she insisted on paying and delivering the drinks. It was $14 well spent.

Upon delivery, it seemed the two had figured it out. _The problem probably didn't even occur to them._ Chandra sat down across from Vivien who had turned the chair to make her line of sight between the sisters.

“You like messing with corrupt institutions,” Vivien said looking at Chandra, gesturing towards Liliana. “Help me out here. I keep telling your sister that since she's lot loaded, she should be getting a scholarship.”

Chandra could see Liliana rolling her eyes as she picked her latte up to blow on it. “I think even if you were still a bazillionaire, you'd be better off with the money then our stupid school.”

“See!?”

Eyes still looking up in disapproval, making it clear this wasn't the first time she had this conversation and that she knew it wouldn't be the last. Liliana looked over at Chandra so she could at least repeat herself to someone new. “Money is not the issue. I still have enough to afford school and there are not an unlimited supply of the scholarships to go around.”

“One less entitled ass that I have to share a floor with is the main reason I'm telling you to do it.” Chandra's companions both chuckled in the exact same pitch and volume like you would expect of two people that had been friends for years, but no one could have imagined this bond based on the other two times she had seen them together and Chandra was itching to know what had happned.

“I think your efforts are better spent convincing Chandra to start running again. From what our mom told me, she was more skilled than I am.” _There's no way that's true, but she sounds serious._

“Tell ya what, Lili, I'll hit up the washroom, YOU convince your sister and I'll probably never bother you again.”

Chandra had expected to have to wait until she was home for this moment and figured Vivien leaving was by design. Once her girlfriend was safely out of earshot, she didn't waste any time. “I wasn't trying to hide our relationship from you.”

“You have nothing to justify, Chandra.”

In a hurried panic, Chandra pressed on. “I didn't like keeping something from you, but my mother doesn't know I'm bi and I'd like it to stay that way; I didn't want to ask you to take on the guilt of keeping it from her.”

Liliana looked down and away as if she were ashamed. “Your suspicion is well earned. I was out of line by telling mom about what happened to you and I lost your trust.”

“Yeah, that's not wha-”

“What I did was wrong, and I will not try to justify it, though I promise I did it to try and protect you.”

“I know, bu-”

“But I would never, EVER out you to mom or anyone else and keeping that secret would never wear on me.” Liliana finally looked up to see Chandra's most convincing smile and they drank in silent content until Vivien returned.

“So,” their third clapped in jubilation as she slid back into her chair, “lemme see if I can guess. You explained why you didn't tell her and you said something poetic about how a secret like that is always safe with you.”

* * *

“Are you sure you're not mad?” Chandra asked for the sixth time as the sisters spoke in hushed voices in her room. The concern over Liliana's feelings hadn't fully dissipated, though how well her sister and her girlfriend had been getting along helped alleviate some stress.

“Of course not. Even if you two are my best friend and my sister, I have no right to your personal lives.” Chandra tried her best to focus on how light Liliana sounded. “Though I will admit, it is nice to know. Being able to see something that makes you both happy is uplifting.”

“It is pretty good, I guess.” Concern was slowly fading to exhaustion as Chandra fell back into her bed.

“Chandra, I would not ever consider telling you who you should open up to, but I have been wondering, do you think mom would have a problem with it?”

Staring at the ceiling, Chandra wondered when Liliana would ask the question she had asked herself so many times. “No....Probably not? I've just been such a screw up my entire life. I don't want to risk one more disappointment.”

Liliana didn't say anything. Maybe she was at a loss, or maybe she knew nothing would stick anyway. Chandra laid still, waiting for her sister to excuse herself, but there were no more words – Liliana only sat on the bed and lovingly gripped Chandra's shoulder. As she felt herself drifting off, she heard a muttering, “you are not a screw up.”


	46. Enlightened

The halls of the dorm Vivien lived in were nothing like Chandra's expectations. She had imagined grime, walls covered in either small dents and holes or plaster to cover them up and people passed out on each other like a triage.

Her second guess would have been the exact opposite – pristine navy blue wallpaper, matching flooring, polished silver knobs twinkling in her eyes and one polite person now and then.

Either would have been acceptable, but she was offended by the middle ground she found herself walking through. Aged beige walls with slightly more aged, slightly less beige tiling underneath. Nothing was filthy, though she saw, what she hoped was a pile of clean laundry outside one of the doors and empty grocery and takeout bags were floating around. This told her two things, _these kids have never had to clean up after themselves and the school is charging them way too much rent for what they're getting_.

What bothered Chandra most of all was that as she was judging her surroundings, those surroundings were judging her. In the time it took to walk from one building to the other, two students noticeably glared at her, one looked at her puzzled as if she was out of place and the occasional pair of whispers seemed to appear from people walking past her.

“Uhh, hey, am I not supposed to be in here?”

“Just ignore it,” Vivien spoke swiftly and sternly, confirming it wasn't Chandra's imagination. “My roommate is probably home, so don't try and pull any funny business and heads up, she can be pretty quiet sometimes, so try not to take it personally.”

 _Like I would have the nerve to initiate anything funny_. Given how Vivien seemed to detest the people she lived around, Chandra was curious to see who she had been shackled with as a roommate and was fully preparing herself to be annoyed. What she wasn't expecting as the door creaked open was the girl she saw sitting on the floor, legs crossed and eyes closed.

“Nissa?” Once Chandra was all the way through the door, she found out that Vivien's roommate was Narset.

Nissa looked up with haste and confusion – probably the most alert Chandra had ever seen her act and they stared at each other, heads slightly tilted like they were each a bird catching themselves in a mirror. Before either of them spoke, Vivien and Narset in perfect harmony said, “This must be your new partner.”

Given her position and her spot on the floor when alternatives were available, Chandra guessed Nissa had been meditating – something she wasn't known to do. “Sorry,” Chandra said, talking to Nissa but looking at Narset who seemed unphased. “I guess we're interrupting something.”

“We were just starting.” Nissa seemed excited, contrary to how Chandra felt about it. “Narset is teaching me about meditation. Apparently I might be able to use it to remember more of my dreams.”

“I didn't think that was possible. I also thought it would be impossible for you to sit still with your eyes closed for more than two minutes without falling asleep.”

Narset let out a profound sigh, though the intensity of it was likely just to keep the rhythm of her breathing intact. “That has been an obstacle to progress. Most people beginning meditation seek ways of relaxation or escaping the world around them. I will admit, I have found it more difficult than expected to teach someone who is seeking the opposite.”

Grinning, Nissa looked up and said, “took me less than a week to piss her off.”

“You don't piss me off,” Narset responded sternly.

“Don't worry, peach, I was just kidding.”

 _Peach!?_ Chandra had to resist the urge to jump on her friend and scream how cute she thought that was. She focused on Vivian again instead. “Maybe we should just get what we came for so these two can get back to work.”

“You are welcome to join us, Chandra.”

Vivien shrugged “We've got a bit of time.” She was right and Chandra didn't want to be rude so she agreed and took her position next to Nissa – worried that this would be more intense than what she was used to. She only even defined what she did as meditation because that's what her therapist called it. _All I know is basic breathing exercises. If this starts getting spiritual, I'm going to be really glad our eyes are all closed._ Vivien sat next to her and before Chandra could ask, she answered, “meditation was part of my training.”

What they spent the next ten minutes on, to Chandra's delight, was simple breathing exercises which she didn't need direction on, but still appreciated it. Narset's firm yet calm tone reminded her of a grade school teacher she had been fond of.

The four of them kept a consistent stillness almost the whole way through. In the final stretch, Chandra could hear Nissa's breathing becoming more shallow like it would if she were dozing off. Her theory was confirmed when she heard a sudden, “ow!” That she assumed was the sound of Narset throwing something at her. Chandra had to force herself not to laugh which turned into her snorting – a common problem she had in meditation when she thought of anything remotely funny.

If it bothered Narset, she didn't show it. When Chandra opened her eyes, their instructor gave her a slight nod.

“I almost went the whole ten minutes this time,” Nissa pleaded with her partner.

Narset reached out to cup Nissa's hand. “You performed very well, honeydew.” Chandra wanted to scream again, but her glee became bittersweet when she felt a pang of jealousy. It wasn't that her friend had a pet name, it was that Chandra wasn't disappointed that she didn't have one. She found herself worrying that she was somehow doing something wrong in her relationship.

When she saw Vivien grab her archery equipment, that was the cue to leave; one couple thanked the other but before they had a chance to get through the door, Narset asked, “before you leave, could I speak with Chandra alone?” It sounded more like a demand than a question and now Chandra was remembering teachers she wasn't so fond of. Reminding herself that Nissa and Vivien weren't shy and would probably survive on their own for a few minutes, she refocused on whatever was going on in front of her.

“Sooo, how's it going?” Chandra resumed her meditative pose on the floor despite there being actual chairs to sit in.

“Fine, thank you. When we were meditating, I saw your body was very tense.”

Were it not for Narset's stoic tone, Chandra would have seen this as an insult instead of observation. “Isn't one of the big things with meditation to keep your eyes closed?”

“Not all the time. Meditation is about focus and the fewer pieces of stimuli you're receiving, the easier focusing becomes, but if my goal is something best left to sight, then what good is closing my eyes?”

“That's a rhetorical question, right?” That in itself felt like a rhetorical question, but Chandra was getting the impression that she couldn't take anything Narset said for granted.

“It was, unless you have an answer, but to the point, a constricted body during a state of focus is a sign of a troubled mind.”

Chandra was irked by this nosy comment, but it made her wonder. She knew her body tensing up was a sign of anxiety and something she'd normally check for while practising deep breathing if she felt anxious. There hadn't been a need to check this time as far as she was concerned. She felt calm and happy and had for some time now. “I feel fine.”

“The unconscious mind can be troubled without the conscious mind realizing it. I suggest you take note of anything in your life that could possibly be upsetting you to try and confront the source.”

 _Man, I just came here to get Vivien's bow and now I'm getting therapy homework? I thought I was done with that_. “I'll give it a shot.” Chandra was past ready to go so she got back on her feet

“Good. There was one more thing.” _Of course there is_. “I noticed the same troubling signs in your sister.”

Chandra had no interest in being assessed, but this piqued her interest. “When did you notice this?”

“Three weeks ago.”

 _That's no surprise. That was when she was still hiding that she saw me and Rashmi_. “Yeah, she was going through some things on her own, but she let me help and she feels better now, _I think_.” This was a detail that as far as Chandra knew, only her family was aware of but despite how unfamiliar she was with Narset, she felt confident that she could keep a secret.

“I'm glad. I apologize for keeping you.”

“All good. Thanks for your help.” Chandra went to leave, but stopped herself just short of the door. “Hey, since we're sharing other people's feelings, I just thought I'd mention how crazy Nissa is about you. The glow she has when you're around, I've never seen her like that.”

Narset finally broke her stoic expression and looked away with a thin smile growing on her face. “I'm glad to hear that. She's a remarkable person and while I haven't known Vivien as long as you've known Nissa, I can say the same about how she feels about you. I've never heard her brag about another person before.”

With both women sufficiently satisfied and awkward, Chandra took her leave, apologized to Vivien for the wait, turned to Nissa and said, “see you later, honeydew.” Her friend gave no heed to the friendly taunt.


	47. Show and Tell

As they walked into the gym building where the two first met, Vivien asked, “Everything cool with you and Narset back there?”

“Oh, yeah. Nissa's birthday is coming up and she just wanted to know if I had any gift ideas. I told her she keeps a lot of journals, so anything related to that is good.” Chandra's satisfaction with the fabrication that came to her before the door to Vivien's dorm room was even closed was drowned out by the guilt of lying to her girlfriend. She didn't like it, but didn't she also didn't want to worry her with Narset's cryptic warnings.

Before they could make it in to the gymnasium, Vivien cursed as she looked at a notification. “Lily says she has to skip practice today.”

“Can you not practice without her?” Chandra asked with slight accusation as if Vivien was upset that they'd be alone together.

Gears turning in her head, Vivien responded, “I'll figure it out. How about you stretch with me though? You watching me shoot is one thing but you standing there while I squirm around feels a little weird.”

Respecting the predicament, Chandra answered, “as long as you aren't expecting much. I can't remember the last time I stretched.” The gym was devoid of anyone else and somehow there only being two of them made it seem even larger than there were three. “Shouldn't you jog first or something?”

“While you and Nissa were dreaming, I was moving around a bit so my pre game for my body is taken care of and my heart rate is always up with you around.”

Chandra playfully rolled her eyes. “I'm surprised you were able to keep your breathing so steady if you were moving your body around.”

“Lots of practice. If you think that's big, you should see what Narset can do. For all we know, she was doing a headstand the entire time. I've seen her do it.”

Narset had always seemed stoic to Chandra. It was something she had seen from other people on the spectrum so she figured the two were connected but it seemed increasingly likely that her imperturbability was honed. It did Chandra's heart good to see her and Nissa being affectionate – she didn't like the idea of her friend being with someone that was serious all the times. “Shall we?”

Chandra more or less followed Vivien's lead. All the stretching she could recall were some of the ones she'd do after running and she correctly assumed those wouldn't lend themselves to an archer's warm up. “For someone that says she can't bend, you are very, very limber.”

Sometimes Chandra wished Vivien didn't look so smug all the time. It made discerning between flirty and observational difficult. “Meditation posing is a pretty important part of my spiritual heritage. I never paid attention to any of that, but maybe my people are just naturally flexible.” Modesty wouldn't have worked as both of them could tell Chandra was keeping up despite being out of practice and she couldn't help notice that Vivien's eyes were lingering in places.

When they finished, Vivien began unpacking her equipment. “I brought some stuff for you this time, but we won't get a lot of use out of it.”

Confused, Chandra responded, “I didn't think I'd be doing anything, honestly. I thought we were here for you.”

“Letting you play for a little bit won't hurt, but I do need to practice and, way more importantly, I need to show off. I was going to save that for after Lily left, but no need to wait now.” Chandra had no problem watching a presentation so she had no intention of asking for a turn. “I saw you were impressed by Lily blowing that ball out of the sky but that was nothing.”

Chandra's attention was officially grabbed. “It didn't look like nothing.”

“I'm not even trying to strut above her. I mean that wasn't all that hard for Lily.” _She can't be serious_. “You throw a ball, it has a course. It's not that much harder than hitting a still target, but I gave her an easy one because I knew how important it was to her to impress you.”

“Why?” _I'm the one that has to impress other people_.

“She really cares what you think of her.” Her cocky expression faded as it only did for special occasions. “Losing her brother really messed her up, I think more than she knows. She had a big hole in her heart and you helped fill it and she didn't want to mess that up.” Vivien smiled again, “no pressure.”

Chandra masked nervous chuckling with fake nervous chuckling. “Maybe I should tell her that impressing me isn't that hard.”

“Glad to hear it.” Vivien began preparing her stuff while Chandra marvelled at how the combination of deep breathing and stretching put her in a wanting to find some solitary patch of grass to lay in with her girlfriend kind of mood. Unfortunately, no such patch existed anywhere close by.

“You're going to play the role of very lovely assistant today,” Vivien declared as she handed Chandra a sandbag and a suction with a hook. “I need you to hang this somewhere behind me. I'll close my ears.”

Carrying one item in each hand with a look of bewilderment, Chandra said, “this is pretty elaborate. You do know you've already won me over, right?”

“Just help me out here. I was up all night getting this set up.”

“You have a key to the building?” Chandra surveyed the empty space. It was more than big enough to serve as two basketball courts, so she couldn't be certain but her quick assessment found nothing more than a few folded chairs.

“No, Narset does and don't ask why because I have no idea. Now come on.” Vivien gave her a few quick pecks on the lips. “Can I please play with my toys?”

Normally they avoided showing signs of affection on campus, but Chandra knew this was Vivien insisting that there was no way her mother was going to see them in here; agreeing, she held on to the last quick kiss and turned it into something deeper. “I guess if you want it this badly.... You won't be able to hear me at all?”

Vivien answered by pulling out a pair of headphones, putting them in her ears. “Anywhere behind me. I do need it to be possible to see from here though, so don't hide it in the bathroom.” They stood between the two outlined courts and Vivien turned toward one of the long ends. This gave Chandra about 60 metres to play hide and seek with as well as an idea. _If she really wants to play, I may as well make it fun_

She grabbed one of the available chairs, assuming Vivien wouldn't expect her to be able to reach the basketball nets. Before she hung it on the far side of one of the backboards, she checked to see if the net would be between the bag and the archer. _She can still technically see it from there._ As Chandra fastened the bag, she noticed it was nearly the same ivory colour as the walls which couldn't be a coincidence. _It can't be easy to track down a specific colour of sandbag_. This all seemed a little silly, but Chandra was impressed by the effort.

Running back to Vivien, even more impressed with her hiding skills as she noticed she could barely find the bag despite knowing exactly where it was, Chandra went to her front. “We're good.”

“Great, now I need you to stand in the far corner,” Vivien gestured toward the furthest right side of the gym on the side she was facing. “For your own safety.”

Vivien didn't need to add that to get her girlfriend's interest in the experiment. If hitting a moving target wasn't impressive, then shooting at a stationary one would be a bore in Vivien's eyes, so Chandra was curious to see where this was going – a curiosity that was enforced when she saw the archer seemingly lined up a shot on the wall opposite of where she was instructed to hang the bag.

“I'm going to feel really stupid if I mess this up!” As soon as the words left her mouth, Vivien fired diagonally to where the wall met the roof. Before Chandra could even take note of where the arrow had gone, she heard a loud click coming from above her and the arrow seemed to zoom back toward its origin.

Chandra didn't even have half a second to freak out that a sharp projectile was hurling towards her girlfriend and before her eyes could even widen in fear, she realized there was no need to worry. In one swift motion, Vivien caught the arrow, loaded it while she turned and, within a second, the small bag of sand exploded.

Before either of them could give a sufficient celebration, Chandra realized what this display was. It wasn't some jock strutting her stuff and more importantly, this wasn't the first time she had done something like this and it wouldn't have been staged the last time. Whether she meant to display this or not, this was the kind of skill Vivien would have relied on in a fight and while it should have been obvious already, this made Chandra realize something. _She's killed people and from what I know about that war, it was probably a lot of them._

She didn't want to cheer. She wanted to wrap her scrawny arms around Vivien's bloodstained body, but if her girlfriend wanted this to be an emotional moment, she would have made it one, so Chandra reacted in the only way she saw fit,

“Whaaat the FUCK WAS THAT!?” She yelled, hurrying back toward Vivien. “Did you catch that thing in mid air?”

She looked satisfied with Chandra's response as she gestured up to an inconspicuous rig that she hadn't noticed. “I set that up to launch an arrow when the sensor got hit. Not bad, eh?”

“Yeah, pretty god damn not bad.” Chandra raised herself up to give Vivien a celebratory kiss and this time the more imposing of the two used a firm embrace to make it last.

Wrapping her bow string in her elbow, Vivien loudly clapped as she always did when she was excited. “Time to actually work, I guess. You cool to keep assisting, lovely?”

Chandra followed the rhetorical question into one of the supply closets that, while meticulously organized, was a hideous, old room. The floor was a rust red – possibly just actual rust, chipped walls, old steel tables and a solitary hanging fluorescent bulb vaguely illuminating it all. It was a few hanging metal hooks away from looking like a serial killer's den and it was miraculous that it didn't smell mouldy.

Vivien laid her bow down to look at her phone and after some contemplation turned to Chandra and playfully spoke, “come to think of it, we've finally got some privacy.” She strolled over to the redhead and caressed her jawline. “This whole building is going to be empty for at least half an hour.”

Mentally assessing her surroundings, Chandra thought about how terrible her pale skin must look in the unfortunate lighting and that, no matter how private this was, they were still in public – though this was the closest they had come to privacy since their first date. They had never progressed further than kissing, but Chandra could tell by the look in Vivien's eyes and the way she pressed her hips against her that the possibility was presenting itself.

Both their setting and Chandra's inexperience left her timid and a voice inside her told her to reject the notion but it was being overwhelmed by the display she had just seen. Vivien was so powerful, so beautiful. She could have anyone, but here she was, desperate to please the self deprecating redhead and Chandra's reservations were nowhere near strong enough to match her animal instinct. Twisting her head to kiss Vivien's wrist, she whispered, “then what are you waiting for?”


	48. Sneak Attack

Chandra was weightless in Vivien's arms as she was hoisted up and slammed onto one of the tables. The shock and impact of the force did nothing to break their long, fervent kiss - encouraging their tongues to twist together even deeper. After securing the enthralled redhead, one of Vivien's hands gripped firmly into Chandra's hair and the redhead was too distracted to see where the other hand went.

Their embrace continued, giving Vivien time to make Chandra's lips blissfully tender, alternating soft and rough nibbles before finally tugging her hair back forcing out a heavy gasp. Eyes wide, the increasingly muddled girl was able to see what her partner's other hand was doing. Having already unzipped her track jacket, Vivien was nearly finished with the buttons on her shirt. Chandra had been right about the hunger in her girlfriend's eyes and she was ready to submit to it.

Breathing with heavy anticipation, Chandra's entire body was desperately warm watching each button exposing more skin until her girlfriend let go of her to able herself to pull her clothes off, leaving Vivien's top half with nothing more than a lacy black bra that was as tempting as it was impractical as if she had planned for this.

Chandra had spent her sleepless nights imagining this moment, unsure how far those tattoos went and she was now driven with lust by what she saw. It was more than just a body of ink. Vivien was an irresistible piece of art – her figure was perfectly sculpted for any danger and had Chandra feeling both safe and intimidated; elks, bears and eagles intertwined to show off her strong will.

Vivien gave Chandra one last deep kiss before finally speaking to her gaping mouth and longing eyes. “I think you know what to do next.”

With her lips moving faster than her brain, as they often did, Chandra's quaking voice said, “not really.”

This clearly broke the mood as Vivien's eyes went from playful to quizzical. “Have you never....”

“Never.”

“Not even...” She gestured towards her top, half naked self.

“No....” Chandra was embarrassed, but not enough to take her eyes off Vivien's body.

“Well, don't worry,” Vivien said without missing a beat. “I'll be gentle.” Spreading Chandra's legs, she leaned into her ear and licked around it gradually. “I can play slow. Just tell me if I should stop”

The sensations in her ear were intoxicating, though the message was unnecessary. Chandra felt safe enough to control the situation but she had no intention of telling Vivien to stop or even slow down. She wanted to lose that control and let her girlfriend take her; at this point, she'd was willing to bark on command if it would encourage Vivien to take this further.

Vivien's whispers continued, “I could use some help with some bra though, just saying.” Chandra nodded enthusiastically but before she could get behind Vivien's back, her girlfriend grabbed her hands to guide them gradually, starting with her abs; by the time they got to her breasts, she seemed content to let Chandra figure out the rest of the way on her own so she could caress the base of her neck “Tell me how I feel?”

Her breathing was intensifying, creating a pleasing choking sensation against Vivien's hands. Chandra let out a giddy growl, “so fucking good.” Chandra got her hands past her girlfriend's chest, unable to make it all the way to her clasp, she pulled Vivien down towards her to unhook her; Chandra's haste seemed to serve as a signal to Vivien who was using their closeness to undo Chandra's jeans. The pants were only pulled down slightly before Vivien stood back up which made Chandra whine in disappointment until she realized it was so she could expose her now bare chest.

It was a tremendous sight. Rather than hide her breasts, the tattoos accented them, her nipples giving away how turned on she was. Chandra, summoning all her nerve, pulled Vivien back down. Straining herself to bite down on Vivien's collar, she gave her a series of hurried kisses down her chest while reaching out to pull and squeeze on one of Vivien's breasts.

Chandra had hoped this would be all the invitation needed, but when Vivien's hands cupped her face instead of getting her jeans off, she tried to push further, leaving the hand on one side of Vivien's chest while bringing her lips to the other, kissing slowly around before settling in the middle – alternating between sucking and nibbling.

This brought out the first guttural response from Vivien – a low moan that filled the room; the sudden rush of pleasure seemed to be the last bit of encouragement she needed. Her tongue was back into Chandra's mouth which distracted the redhead enough to for her to not realize her jeans were being slid down until the chill of her bare butt on the table made her jump. This was followed by a noise that made them both rigid.

Chandra had never heard the noise before, but her poetic instincts knew what it was – the sound of a bag with archery supplies dropping to the floor by someone who had just been shocked. She didn't have to look at what it was though she did anyway. Standing in the closet doorway was Liliana who didn't look angry, surprised or disgusted – she just looked defeated.

* * *

“Of course,” Liliana said with an exhausted sigh as she emerged into the living room from out of their washroom. Chandra had gotten home thirty seconds ago, with no expectation or want of seeing her sister. ''Were you waiting until I was out of my bedroom to come inside?”

“If I could only be that clever.” Self deprecation was one of her most used methods for easing tensions which, to no surprise, were high. “Are you the only one here?”

“Yes,” Liliana said with haste and annoyance, inching towards her room.

“Then should we talk about anything? You're obviously upset.”

“I think I have some right to discomfort after walking in on my sister having sex.”

Chandra came as close to shouting as she ever had with her sister. “Hey!” She said sharply, marching over to Liliana. “We were not having sex!” While they probably would have had the mood not been shattered, the truth was still the truth even if only by a technicality. Liliana's silence forced Chandra to keep going. “We thought no one was going to be there and we got a bit carried away....I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

Liliana sighed again, though this one was more peaceful. “We can forget about it.”

Chandra recalled something, prompting her to say, “I don't think we can. Something weird is going on. When you....Saw me earlier, you didn't look like someone stumbling into an awkward situation. You looked sad and that wasn't the first time you reacted emotionally to us being together.”

“I do not know what you are referring to,” Liliana said unconvincingly.

“The first time we met, you pointed a deadly weapon at her for talking to me!”

To herself more than to Chandra, Liliana muttered, “I suppose I did.”

“So what's the deal?”

Looking sufficiently ashamed, Liliana averted her gaze, chewing on her bottom lip. “I was worried about you. Vivien is a wonderful person in most regards, but she has a tendency to take advantage of people's feelings for her until she decides she is bored.”

“I believe the kids call that fucking and chucking.”

Liliana's evasive eyes rolled wide . “I was afraid she would do the same to you until I saw you two together. Normally she just uses charm to get what she wants; it had been a long time since I had seen her be tender with someone and that reassured me. Seeing you two today just stirred up my concern.”

“If you were so worried, why didn't you say something?”

“The same foolish reason I always sit by and watch her do this. As irrational and narcissistic as it is, I feel guilty.” She paused for a response as if Chandra knew what she was talking about. “She never behaved that way until after I broke up with her.” Liliana said this all too casually, though her eyes did widen after Chandra's had. “Oh. I assumed she would have told you....”

_I guess her relationship has as much right to privacy as mine_. “So what you're saying is that you were such an amazing girlfriend that dumping her sent her into an emotional spiral that only I could pull her out of?”

“I would not put it so bluntly.” Liliana finally smiled, brightening the room. “Though I am not surprised that she has fallen for you. Please ignore my paranoia from today. I know Vivien truly cares for you.”

“Thanks, but is us being together weird for you?”

Liliana chuckled. “I left Vivien because I did not have any romantic feelings for her and that has not changed, though even if I were jealous, I love both of you. I am mature enough to not let my emotions get in the way of your happiness.”

The thickness in the air had fully dissipated and Chandra believed Liliana when she said she had to get back to studying. Retiring to her own room with the weight of her sister's sad eyes lifted from her chest, Chandra was free to relive every moment from earlier – repeatedly.


	49. Rendered Silent

Tolaria's portal station was fairly small. The region was neither a tourist destination nor a commerce hub. The check-in station, security check and the portal itself were all in view from the doors of the empty, hollow terminal and it made the idea that it was being used to travel to a different world somewhat surreal.

Chandra's steady roar of depression over the situation had hit a crescendo as she, Nissa, Liliana and Narset watched Jace and Gideon print their tickets. She had very little experience with saying goodbye. When she left Kaladesh, she was more sad about leaving the plane itself than any of the people; the only time she had ever watched someone leave her was Nissa returning to Zendikar when they wer still kids. At the time, Chandra assumed she'd never see Nissa again, _so why does this hurt more than that did_?

Chandra pleaded with Jace, “are you sure you don't want me to come too? I don't even need to go home to get anything.”

Jace in a monotone responded, “money? Clothes? Your medication?”

“Pffft. I've got my credit card on me.” Jace made some good points but her offer was still genuine and she was mentally prepared to hop through that portal with her friends without looking back.

“Dude,” Jace chuckled, “I'll be okay. My mom and Alhammarret are already there, plus I have this guy.”

Nissa smugly chimed in, “and Vraska.”

His face flushed up a little, but he pretended to ignore her. “And anyway, you've got your special someone now.”

“Vivien would understand,” Chandra said confidently. “I'd rather be there for you.” When she said this, all her friends looked at her cockeyed – save for Narset who didn't seem to hear it – as if she had said something wrong and she felt a similar sensation of guilt. It was the same remorse she had over not wanting a pet name, but she was seeing Vivien tomorrow and decided to worry about being a bad girlfriend then.

“Well anyway,” Jace moved on, “you're not coming. You would need a visa anyway.”

_I hadn't thought of that._ Chandra rolled her eyes in defeat. “Fine, but you need to keep us updated on anything that happens, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

As Jace was saying farewell to Liliana and Nissa, Gideon leaned into Chandra and whispered, “if I think he needs it, I will stay with him longer.” She gave him an agreeing nod as Jace came towards them – his subtle confidence as soothing as it always was.

Jace wrapped around Chandra. “I'll be okay, man. Just promise to watch out for yourself, mmkay?” She nodded into his shoulder as they embraced longer than he had with the others before finally approaching Narset.

The two didn't touch but as Jace raised his hands to his chest, Chandra noticed Narset's attire. From what she could recall, the Tarkirian woman always wore a simple dress with something baggy over it. While the dress she was wearing now was neither elegant nor grand, it looked more formal than usual and she wore nothing over it. With his palms pressed flat together, Narset wrapped hers around his in a moment that was more tender than Chandra had ever seen her with Nissa.

Looking for signs that her friend was bothered by this, there didn't seem to be any, but Chandra still leaned closer to Nissa and prodded, “I didn't realize they were so close.”

With a look of satisfaction on her face, Nissa nodded. “While it was probably unnecessary, when we found out about the cancer, Narset has been helping him come to terms with the fact that he might die.” Unsurprisingly, this beautiful notion did not make Chandra feel any better.

Planar portals were massive feats of technology both in importance and size – designed to ship cargo, so two people walking through was like toddlers boarding an empty train. As the machine whirred, the two boys looked back and waved, their insignificance as they walked through the portal left Chandra uneasy and once they vanished, she couldn't help but wonder if she would ever see her friend again.

The women strolled out of the building in silence, Liliana placing herself between Chandra and anyone else so she could mouth to her sister, “are you okay?” She had to think about it, eventually giving a thumbs up that she figured conveyed the message of, 'okay as can be expected,' and Liliana seemed apprehensively content with this response.

Content to look at her phone until someone else decided to speak, she almost missed Narset who had stepped in front of her; Nissa and Liliana must not have noticed at all as they kept walking. “Are you going to be at the school tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I'm meeting Vivien at 1:00.”

“I have a request.”


	50. Parter of Veils

Chandra, Nissa and Narset all sat cross legged on the dorm room floor. Not having the best sense of direction, she had to be received at the entrance to the building and as her and Nissa walked the halls, she noticed that this time, no one even noticed her, let alone shoot her dirty looks and it didn't take long for Chandra to realize the only difference was that she wasn't accompanying Vivien.

“Uhhhh, Narset?”

With closed eyes, Narset asked, “Is there a problem?”

“Well, you've been holding onto my wrists for over a minute now without saying anything.”

Narset's eyes opened slightly as if she had just woken up and was fighting against the sunshine. “My apologies. This is a common practice where I'm from. For all my focus, I sometimes forget where I am.”

“All good. Where are you from anyway?”

“Tarkir.”

“Oh, cool. You guys make really good food.” Chandra immediately winced. _Really? That's the best you could do?”_

“As do your people.” _She took it in stride at least_. “I'd like to begin. I need you to recall the memory of an event.”

“Which event?”

“Any event.”

“Any event?” _I already don't like this_.

“Yes. As long as it's a memory from your life that you can recall most of.” Narset spoke patiently and condescendingly as if explaining simple instructions to a child. “Don't give me any details about it.”

“Why?”

“It's more efficient if you don't know why. Let me know when you've chosen one.”

_I know she said any memory, but she obviously wants something substantial._ Desperate to succeed at the presumed test, Chandra thought about how much she hated such open ended and vague assignments. _This is stupid. It reminds me of-_ “I have one ready.”

“Good. Live through it for as long as you can. Stay silent and open your eyes when you're done.”

* * *

“Chandra, were you able to finish those worksheets I sent you home with?” Dr. Evangela's office was large with _brown?_ Walls, covered in various rainbow paintings and a comfortable grey couch, intentionally large enough to fit two adults and one child. The couch wasn't where Chandra was sitting on though – she was on the adjacent stiff black chair. It was her second therapy session, so she knew how much better off she would be on the couch, but switching, she thought, would have drawn attention to her mistake.

The doctor sat at her desk that was _definitely brown_ , and was an intimidatingly wide semi circle that took up a good chunk of the space – her original choice of sitting in the stiff chair was to be further away from the therapist's hulking command centre. “No, I didn't.”

“Okay and what was your reason for not?” Dr. Evangela had a firm and controlled voice. Chandra couldn't recall exactly what it sounded like, but she did remember after her first session, she told her mother that, 'her voice has a real b-word energy to it.' The comment had not ended well for her.

Chandra huffed, “you gave me a worksheet to figure out what's wrong with me, but there's nothing to figure out. I'm fine.” She despised everything about where she was – the doctor, the receptionist and other patients in the waiting room and her mother for forcing her to be here. High school had started a month ago and, against all odds, she had made friends – growing very fond of one of them and for the second week in a row, she had been invited out with them and for the second week in a row, had to say no because she was stuck here.

“Then you could have filled it out and proven that to all of us.” At the time, she cursed herself out for not thinking of something so obvious. In hindsight she knew deep down that the three page questionnaire would have revealed what she was in denial of.

“You would have accused me of faking it, so what's the point?”

“I have no agenda, Chandra. I only want what's best for you. I know you do too so I'm inclined to trust you.” _She was always so calm, even when I was being a brat_.

“Then my mother wouldn't trust me.”

“Why do you think that?” Chandra wasn't yet aware of therapeutic tactics for getting people to open up and she wondered how a doctor could ask such stupid questions.

“She's convinced I'm crazy. Why do you think she's forcing me to be here?”

“Crazy is a pretty broad term. Has your mother told you that she thinks you're crazy?”

Chandra, growing increasingly frustrated by the minute, _did I answer her or did she just assume the answer from me pouting?_

“Has she told you why she's insisting you see me?”

“She thinks I'm traumatized.” That was the first time Chandra spoke the word and it was an uncomfortable sensation.

“What does she think you were traumatized by?”

This had been a breaking point for the young girl who felt she was being looked down on. “I know what you're doing, I'm not an idiot. You want to catch me not being able to answer you to prove your point.” Chandra got up to open the door and, before looking yelled out, “hey receptionist lady!”

After she called out, she realized the entire room was empty but she had gone this far and could only hope Dr. Evangela wasn't aware of this. “Did you know I watched my father get gutted!? I held his hand as he bled out and died! Pretty sure I even got some of the blood on me! That's pretty fucked up, right!?” She slammed the door shut. _I still don't know how I summoned the nerve to yell that or the will not to cry_

Still perfectly composed, the doctor asked, “You recognize trauma does exist, right?”

“Yeah, obviously it does.” Between the PSA's, presentations at from teachers and the after school specials, it had been impossible for any kid in Ghirapur not to know about it.

“Why are you so sure that you're not effected by it?”

Slamming her hands on the therapist's desk, Chandra growled, “because I'm not weak! I'm a Nalaar and we're above that and even if I wasn't, I have no right to be traumatized. I wasn't a fighter.”

“You don't need to have carried a sword to suffer.” _I must have been pretty small that I couldn't even make her blink screaming in her face._ “You said it yourself, that you had to watch your father die. I can't imagine a soldier doubting how that could haunt someone.”

“Who cares!? Lots of people died! If you didn't see someone get killed in front of you, then you know someone that did. I can't speak for them, but I won't disrespect my father's memory by turning in to some snivelling baby.” _Ten years later and I still can't get past this mindset._ “Can I leave now?”

“I can't and wouldn't want to keep you here against your will.”

Chandra sighed the way only teenagers do. “I know my mother is waiting outside. I guess it's either wait in here or the stairwell.” In a huff, she took her seat in the stiff chair again. “At least there's air conditioning in here.”

“We can sit in silence if you want, but if you want to keep talking, can you tell me about what happened at docks?”  
  
“That was nothing.” Chandra refused to look at her therapist as she lied to her. “I got distracted, slipped, knocked my friend over trying to brace myself and fell in the water. I didn't realize being clumsy meant I'm insane.” She was unclear on what had really happened; she knew it was more than she was leading on but it had been horrible enough of an experience that denial had fully set in.  
  
“Your friend broke his nose. It must have been quite the push.”  
  
Chandra's arms crossed as her entire body began folding in on itself. “What can I say? I'm tough; don't you think I feel bad enough already? I hope my mother knows she's paying you to remind me what a terrible person I am.”  
  
“I don't think you're a terrible person. I would say the guilt you have over hurting your friend shows the opposite.” Chandra didn't want to show appreciation for the complement, but she wasn't ill tempered enough to continue her animosity either. “Chandra, if your friend was here and asked you exactly what happened, would you tell him what you told me – that you simply slipped?”  
  
Chandra still didn't want to speak but that only gave her time to think about the question that she had not thought to ask herself. She would have never lied to Ado's face but even lying about the situation to Dr. Evangela felt disrespectful. Her options were stay completely silent for forty minutes or.... “I really did lose focus, but that's not the only thing that happened. I don't know if it's because I was tired or what, but out of the corner of my eye, he looked different.”  
  
“What did he look like?” The doctor had been pleased with the development.  
  
“Like a consulate soldier. I don't know how I saw that, but when I....When I hit him, I was so sure.”  
  
“And did you actually slip?”  
  
She couldn't answer that. She still wouldn't lie, but Chandra was unable to admit to anyone that she fell into the bay because she was backing away from what she thought was an enemy – cowering in fear from a figment of her imagination.   
  
In the moment, she hadn't realized her entire body had curled up in the unpleasant chair, retreating all over again as she sat in terror of what had happened. After a prolonged silence, she asked Dr. Evangela, “can we talk about something else?” 

* * *

Having had enough of seeing her young, frightened and ignorant self, her eyes opened; Chandra had become numb to Narset's touch while she was lost in thought. “All done, I guess.”

“You did well. I apologize for rushing you, but I need to ask while it's fresh, can you describe the memory in one word?”

“Depressing, embarrassing, weak, confused, bi-”

“One word, please. A single word to summarize how you felt at the time of the memory.”

Chandra was silent long enough that Narset had to reassure her that she could take as much time as she needed. Eventually coming up with an answer she was satisfied with, she said with confidence, “scared.”

Narset nodded as if this were the right answer. “A lot of people suspect that our dreams are the unconscious mind trying to solve what the conscious cannot, but I don't think that's true.” _This better be going somewhere_. “Our dreams are far too chaotic to help with that. I believe our imaginations are how we tap into our hidden emotions.”

“Cool.” Chandra looked to Nissa to see if she was the only one not following, which she was. “What does that have to do with what I just did?”

“While you were reliving your past, nothing about your physiology changed – your heartbeat, breathing and posture remained the same as it was before you took your mind elsewhere. If I'm correct, I would guess that means you chose a memory that matches your current mental state and given your lack of external changes, I'm confident my theory is correct.”

“So is this just a science experiment?”

“No, it's a caution. I believe your subconscious is in a perpetual state of fear.”

“That's a little ominous.” Chandra spoke cavalierly, not entirely believing Narset. _I know a lot about my own anxiety and I haven't felt any more than a few tingles in weeks_. _If this were anyone else, I'd just say they're wrong, but I'm not entirely convinced that she isn't omniscient_. “What should I do?”

“Traditionally,” Narset spoke to herself. “you would meditate until you could find the source of the fear, but I doubt you would want to spend that much time.”

Not fond of other people setting her limits for her, Chandra argued, “I'm sure I could do it. How long could it possibly take?”

“That would depend on your prowess for introspection as well as how deep the fear is buried. Ten minutes, a day, maybe a week....Maybe more.”

_I'm going to assume I'd at least have breaks to go to the washroom and sleep, but even still_. “Is there a plan B?”

“Therapy, I suppose.” _Nope_. Despite her acknowledgement of how helpful it had been, Chandra had no desire to ever return to therapy; having to explain to a therapist that she was only there because her friend felt her pulse was even worse. Even if she wanted to hear a plan C, Vivien made her appearance before she had the time to ask.

“I gotta hand it to you, Narset.” Vivien proclaimed with a lack of her usual energy. “Your ability to make me happy seeing you holding my girlfriend is impressive.”


End file.
